Check it, Peons: Your CNN Humiliation Compartmentalized

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

BOTTOMS UP!


I've noticed certain news outlets can't to get enough of this trashy story out of Lakeland, Florida about the gang of teenage girls who beat up on another teen. They claim she taunted them on MySpace. But beating her into a concussion wasn't enough for these Bright Young Things. In keeping with these fame-obsessed times, they sensed that internet glory was ripe for the grabbing. So they recorded this watershed moment in their lives so it could be posted on YouTube.

As a person who works in the news industry, I have to say...this story has all the elements of cable news gold:

1. Nubile youths.
2. Recorded violence to play and replay on every show from morning until night.
3. The potential for producers to exploit guests who will cluck their tongues and shake their fists about this degenerate world we live in.

But the most important factor to me is:

4. One of the kids who was arrested is named Brittini.

BRITTINI.
BRITTINI!

If I owned a bar, I'd get to work on creating that drink ASAP. I realize flavored martinis are about as cool as last year's faux hawk. But that seems appropriate here. And instead of vodka or gin, the Brittini would be a lethal mix of:

-Red Bull
-one part Malibu rum
-a spritz of wine cooler
-a drop of Jagermeister
-a jigger of peach Schnapps.

NOTE: To truly enjoy this drink, it is important to wear your sexiest Juicy Couture velour track suit and carry your best knock off Coach bag.

1 comment:

Brittini said...

Don't forget the Natty Light chaser!