Check it, Peons: Your CNN Humiliation Compartmentalized

Wednesday, May 14, 2008


I know dorks.
Because I've been one since birth. There were a few teenage years where I tried to hide my essential dorkitude, but I have since embraced it and am a much happier person for it.
This is why I feel qualified to present Arwel Wynne Hughes with the coveted Dork of The Year Award.

To all the other dorks who were in the running, my apologies for your loss. There can only be one winner.
I suspect this parade of dorks were fantasizing that the title would come with:

1. A lifetime pass to the Renaissance Faire of your choice
2. A lifetime subscription to Cat Fancy magazine
3. A lifetime supply of Franzia boxed wine

But this is not the case.
Mr. Hughes, lest you get any funny ideas...
This award offers you nothing tangible.
Just the honor of legendary status here on Peon Confidential:
Arwel Wynne Hughes, 27 -- who has a chronic alcohol problem -- donned a black bin bag for a cape and used a metal crutch for a lightsabre when he impersonated the Dark Lord of the Sith on March 25.
He then lept over the wall of a "Jedi Church" where Barney Jones and his cousin Michael were duelling with lightsabres while filming a documentary.
The fans of the Star Wars films established the "church" last year in Holyhead, northwest Wales.
Hughes hollered "Darth Vader" as he swung his crutch about, whacking Barney Jones over the head with it and punching Michael Jones in the thigh.
The Jedi are guardians of peace and justice, and the force was with them at Holyhead Magistrates' Court as district judge Andrew Shaw punished "Darth Vader" with a two-month suspended jail sentence and a 100-pound (195-dollar, 126-euro) fine.
Hughes, who has previous convictions for assault, had drunk the best part of a 10-litre box of wine and could not remember the attack, his lawyer Frances Jones told the court.


James Earl Jones said...

If drinking a box of wine and attacking Star Wars nerds while wearing a bag and swinging a crutch is wrong, I don't wanna be right.

ds said...

I think I need to point out here that boxed wine is for dorks. Nerds, should you need to make the distinction, drink mead.