Check it, Peons: Your CNN Humiliation Compartmentalized

Wednesday, June 25, 2008


Today I received the startling news that June 25th is "Leon Day".
Never heard of it?
Good for you.
Leon is Noel spelled backwards...
This date commemorates the fact that we are exactly 6 months away from Christmas.
There are 182.5 shopping days left before the big day.

Now, to sane people, this doesn't mean much.

But there are legions of jolly Kringle-crazed ding-a-lings out there who see no reason to wait until December to revel in the magic of Christmas. Although they reluctantly fold up their embroidered reindeer sweaters in mid-January, they never lose the holiday spirit. When the last Hallmark ornament is packed away with care, their minds are already swirling with dreams of buying more.

These are the women who keep those year round holiday places in business. It could be 90 degrees on a Tennessee afternoon in August, and they're at Kathy's Christmas Craft Mart, fingering the Bedazzled felt snowmen and cooing along with the singing Santas.

By October they've reached a fever pitch. They can scarcely wait to pass out the mini-Snickers bars on Halloween because they know as soon as November hits, they can officially start playing Christmas music. They can start dropping cute hints to their husbands about what they want to see under the tree. Soul stirring phrases such as "Christmas is just around the corner!" and "The ornaments are up at the mall--they look so pretty this year!" can be uttered. Fox News will begin their "War on Christmas" coverage, and they can pound their fat fists in outrage. Cookie dough is made and frozen.

Thanksgiving is an afterthought.

Workplace cubes are decorated with blinking lights and (if they're really devoted) full on Victorian holiday villages before they go off on Thanksgiving holiday. This way the office will be festive upon their return, and the season will be in full force.
For the entire month of December, no work is done. There's no time! It is a haze of inedible homebaked (*correction: homemade) fudge and other "goodies" in the break room, stupid holiday earrings, Secret Santa gifts (usually involving sickly strawberry scented candles and soap) ordering shit online and leaving early to hit the sales at Macy's because "Santa's helper is waaay behind on her list!"

They will gain 20 pounds.
They will say "I can't believe how much I ate over the holidays!"
They will join Curves.
They will go for a week.
Valentine's Day will hit, and there will be heart-shaped sugar cookies. Then Easter, with it's promise of chocolate...and the cycle will continue.

Don't get me wrong, I love Christmas.
But these year-round Holiday Fraus are fucking nuts.


Shirley from Human Resources said...

Oh yeah?
You're not getting any of my red and green M&M coconut/rice krispie/marshmallow holiday nests, VjDutton.
What a Scroogey-Poogey YOU are!

Betty said...

That goes double for my delicious fruitcake cups!

Your Office Dork said...

No non-alcoholic egg nog for you, bitch!

Anonymous said...

You don't bake fudge.

vjdutton said...

Good catch!
I had no idea. I hate fudge. I just know it tastes like shit.
On the other hand, perhaps the fudge I've eaten was mistakenly baked, thus rendering it inedible.

Penny Pringle, Office Busybody said...

I don't know what you mean holiday grumps are talking about. I ALWAYS bake my fudge, and I get rave reviews EVERY TIME! Here's my recipe:

By the way, has anyone seen my pen holder? Someone keeps stealing it.

Tom from IT said...

Hey Anonymous, what about packing fudge? Can I do that?

Anonymous said...

Fudge is made in a sauce pan then poured into a square pan where it is cooled then cut.

Then you invite your friends over and pack fudge with all of them!