Check it, Peons: Your CNN Humiliation Compartmentalized

Monday, November 02, 2009


I’d like to begin by stating that I have been a fag hag since I was 5 years old, when I asked my mom for a Paul Lynde lunchbox.  Being from a rural area in Finland, she could not grasp the concept of a "lunchbox", let alone Paul Lynde. She presented me with a cigar box, upon which I pasted several pictures of Paul Lynde that I cut out of an old Bon Appetit Magazine.  I also pasted a photo of his “Millionaire’s Salad”.

So I feel that I come from a place of some authority on this issue, even though I’m not a gay man. And I need to tell you good time girls something:

You are really fucking annoying.

You teeter into gay clubs, shrieking, laughing and thinking you look so damn cute. You carry with you the same entitlement that you take to straight clubs, the idea that you’re “sitting on a goldmine”. Newsflash: you’re surrounded by gay men. They don’t want your pussy. They don’t even want to think about your pussy. Your pussy is about as relevant as the last piece of sweaty cheese after an office holiday party.

And why must you come to gay clubs in packs? Or worse, bachelorette parties? You ruin the whole vibe. You wander around like you’re on vacation in a foreign land. You pretend to dance with abandon and gingerly put dollar bills into g-strings like you’re the most daring mavericks that ever walked the earth.  Some of you even stare and point. You and your pack of giggling idiots just aren’t adorable or funny. You are rude. You reek of self-satisfaction.

And honestly, aren’t there enough Senor Frogs type establishments you can go to where you can sing into your Miller Lite beer bottles and talk about your insensitive boyfriends?

I’m certainly not saying that there should be no straight women in gay clubs. I love to go to gay clubs. But never in a bachelorette party pack. It’s disrespectful. The ratio should be the reverse of straight clubs. You know how sexy girls get in for free at straight clubs because they don’t want too many men? Well, it’s payback time. Bring at least one gay male for every straight female. It’s only fair.


Anonymous said...

Great rant! I, too, am a (mostly) straight female, but am a huge supporter of the LGBT community. My belly dance troupe performs at their drag shows on a regular basis. Though at first the community wasn't quite sure what to think of this group of "straight girls" (though that definition isn't quite accurate, either), they realized quickly that we have nothing but respect for them and we were quickly "brought into the family".

I have shown up at the club on a Friday/Saturday when the straight community practically takes the place over. The most annoying of them all are the straight females. Generally right around the age of 21. I'm not sure what makes them think that the LGBT community wants to see them strutting around in their itty bitty short skirts and giggling like hyenas, but as a (mostly) straight female myself, I'm just flat out embarrassed. These teeny boppers are giving us ALL a bad name :(

vjdutton said...

Glad you appreciated the rant! And by the way, if your belly dance troupe ever performs in NYC, please let me know. I'm a big fan of belly dancing.

Body Magic said...

Thanks for this post. It's great to have allies like you on our side. I hope some of these dense bimbos read it and get it.
Bachelorette parties are the worst offenders of all. How dare they flaunt their heterosexual privilege in a club full of people who are denied the same right to legally marry. It's thoughtless, clueless, tasteless and thoroughly insulting.

vjdutton said...

Thank you Body Magic. It's astonishing that these idiots can't see how disrespectful their behavior is. I hope they read this too. Then again, I doubt they read much more than texts from their moronic friends to find out which cool gay bar they're going to invade next.