Check it, Peons: Your CNN Humiliation Compartmentalized

Thursday, December 03, 2009


Hearing that actress Meredith Baxter came out the other day made me happy, because I believe everyone should be out and proud; free not only to love whomever they want, but express that love openly. Closets are stuffy and should be used to store clothes, not sexual secrets.

Edited to add: And by the way you clueless, useless fuckers in the New York Senate who rejected a Gay Marriage bill yesterday--YOU ARE COMPLETELY PATHETIC. I'd tell you to kiss my ass but you don't deserve the honor.

Of course, Meredith Baxter will forever be the mom from "Family Ties", Mrs. Keaton.
So I tried to picture what Mr. Keaton would do in this situation. I imagine being the liberal fellow that he is, he'd be supportive. Maybe he'd be a sperm donor for her partner. The three of them might even live together in Taos, New Mexico; making ceramic sculptures and organic casseroles.

Then I started to think about other sitcom moms who I wish were lesbians. I came up with this list:

1. The "Leave It To Beaver" mom. For obvious reasons.

2. Maggie Seaver from "Growing Pains". I'd like her to quit that boring suburban home, hop on a motorcycle and ride with the Dykes on Bikes during the Gay Pride parade.

3. Mrs. Huxtable from "The Cosby Show". Because she is smokin'. She could be a lesbian cougar and  prowl around with Denise Huxtable's college pals from "A Different World". How's that for cross-promotion?

4. Mrs. Cunningham from "Happy Days". Because I'm 12 and cunnilingus works with Cunningham.

5. Laura Petrie from "The Dick Van Dyke Show". For obvious reasons.

6. Lucy from "I Love Lucy". She spends more time with Ethel than her husband anyway, so why not?

7. Mona from "Who's The Boss". She should run an all-lesbian escort agency from her apartment over the kitchen.

8. Mrs. Brady. And I want to see the YouTube footage of her hooking up with Mrs. Partridge.

9. Mary Jenkins from "227". I always thought she wanted to fuck sexy Sandra Clark from the upstairs apartment. (Who could resist Jackee?)

10. Edith Bunker from "All In The Family". I want Archie to catch her in flagrante delicto, whereupon she will look up from in between Maude's thighs and say, "Ooooh Ahhhh-chie."


Anonymous said...

wait - wasn't Jackee also earlier referenced as a boner deflator?

vjdutton said...

Maybe in your world, buddy. Here on planet earth, everyone wants a slice of Jackee pie.

Anonymous said...

Mrs. Cunningham? Edith B? Seriously?

And no mention of super-hottt Livvy Walton.