Check it, Peons: Your CNN Humiliation Compartmentalized

Thursday, April 29, 2010


TO: Flip Flop Wearers of NYC
RE: Eating at outdoor cafes

With the warm summer months approaching, a seasonal hazard is looming:
I am dreading that moment when I'm at an outdoor cafe, about to take a bite of food and I spy someone's nasty, crusty, filthy, feet poking out of their flip flops. And the worst part is, once I've spotted them, I cannot take my eyes off of them. Repulsive feet are magnetic that way. Plus, I'm thinking: does this person not know how revolting their feet are? Do they not care? Do they enjoy the attention from other disgusted diners like me?

Now, I know nothing can separate these people from their free-wheelin' footwear, not even articles like this: FLIP FLOPS ARE DANGEROUS!

But as a public service: if we are going to an outdoor cafe, where people are eating burgers and drinking gin, can we all agree to keep our feet clean? Maybe slap on some foot cream to keep the crusty scaling to a minimum?

New York summers are already fraught with many perils: getting splattered by air conditioning drips, fat roaches drunk on power, glum bastards waiting for the Hampton Jitney who wish they had a flashier ride to the Hamptons, that warmed over piss stench--let's do our part to combat this filthy flip flop menace.

Thank you for your support.


Anonymous said...

Let's extend this message to Seattle too, please. We got some nasty feet here too.

vjdutton said...

It is now decreed that this plea has gone world wide! No more nasty feet in flip flops at outdoor cafes!

Richard said...

Thanks for making it world-wide! The UK's a bit of a haven for people wanting to flaunt their Summer Crusty Feet syndrome and long toe nails the second the sun comes out.

vjdutton said...

Richard, I lived in England for a while, so I know how right you are. I witnessed my fair share of this scourge on my neighborhood streets of Bayswater. But one thing I didn't see as much of there as compared to here is unflattering shorts. Consider yourself lucky for that!

Richard said...

True, true. Alas, now I fear it is only a matter of time...