Check it, Peons: Your CNN Humiliation Compartmentalized

Thursday, August 05, 2010

DO YOU KNOW THIS WOMAN?


For years I've described a certain kind of plain woman simply as "WOMAN".
She's the kind of woman who is fit, has good clear skin, healthy teeth, nice hair.
She is a nice physical specimen.
But she has no style and is duller than a non-alcoholic wedding reception.

I use this term because they remind me of Biology textbook illustrations like the one above.
There's nothing wrong with this woman. But no one, not even a horny 17-year-old is going to get a boner by looking at her.

The funny thing is, I've noticed over the years that a lot of men wind up marrying "WOMAN".
Sure, they'll date the gorgeous TV producer, the hot model, the sexy actress/waitress. But somehow they hit the age of 35 and marry "WOMAN".

I actually asked a sampling of men in the Wall Street area about this phenomenon. I asked them if they'd noticed that a lot of men tend to date the hot ones and marry the dull ones. I wondered if they'd even know what I was talking about. Or if they'd pretend not to get it. But to my surprise, they all knew exactly what I meant. And you know what most of them said?

"Because we're tired."

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Friday, July 23, 2010

TRANSVESTITE ON THE LOOSE


A Peon Confidential reader just sent me this outrageous article:

TRANSVESTITE HAS SEX WITH DOG IN MOAT OF ENGLISH CASTLE

First off, I'm humbled by the extraordinary array of toilet, fart, pubic waxing and sex related articles that remind you Peon Confidential readers of me. Sometimes they aren't even articles. One of you farted loudly at work once and saw fit to message me about it. So, I'm much obliged.

Secondly, my favorite line in this incredibly strange article is: "the pair spotted the lone transvestite on the morning of Saturday July 10th," as though transvestites are more traditionally spotted in packs, gaggles, flocks or whatever the collective noun is for transvestites.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

TURKEY TETRAZZINI FOR LINDSAY LOHAN


Well I am just flabbergasted. (I don't think I've ever used that word before. Sounds like something Andy Rooney would use, along with "horsefeathers".)

Anyway-
A trusted source just told me that jailbird Lindsay Lohan dined on a fine meal of Turkey Tetrazzini last night, her first culinary experience in the Big House.

Here I thought she'd be dining on gruel and dust bunnies. Instead, she gets the finest meal CNN's Hard News Cafe had to offer!
While this particular Turkey Tetrazzini was not made by Famed Hashslinger Roz's loving hands, it is still an approximation of the savory vittles that made us whistle while we worked at The Plant, a.k.a CNN Center in Atlanta.

Then again...
If I find out tonight's meal is rice and corn with packets of hot sauce, we'll know just where Roz found new employment after getting booted from her Hard News perch.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

CENSORED BATHROOM POLE

Happy 13th of July everyone!
Sorry I've been neglecting you a bit. I've been immersed in a whirlwind of home improvement projects. I've been a regular fucking Bob Villa! This place is gonna look like something out of House Beautiful when I'm done, but without some bitchy-looking WASP broad sitting on the sofa.

One sad byproduct of all this frenzied household activity is that the infamous "Porn Pole" in the bathroom has been censored. I know, I know. I'm a bit depressed about it too. But it was really the only option.

Let it be an important lesson to you: if you are going to decorate an unsightly pole in your bathroom with a collage of 1980's Playboy photos, make sure you waterproof it first. Otherwise the lovely ladies will get watermarks all over their asses.

R.I.P. Porn Pole: 2007-2010.

And here's the new, censored version:

Wednesday, July 07, 2010

BORDELLO PHOTOS


Sister Saara says:
On the merciless streets of NYC, the temperatures are rising, the garbage and dog piss are stinking and we're getting cranky.

But inside Mama D's Arts Bordello, the burlesque dancers are hot, the writers are cool and the drinks are intoxicating.
We've added some new photos to our Bordello Gallery.
Take a look and be whisked away to our velvety realm....

MAMA D'S ARTS BORDELLO GALLERY

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

THE KING IS LEAVING HIS THRONE



Yesterday, CNN legend Larry King announced that he will stepping down from his perch soon and "hanging up his suspenders". Some of you have either worked for his show in the past or still do. I never did find out the truth behind the "he forced a VJ to pick the peanuts out of his Kung Pao chicken" rumor. But he was a comforting, steady presence on CNN and this rapidly changing world will feel just a bit more unsettled without him.

Here he is, interviewing The Letter W on Sesame Street:

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

SAMMY DAVIS JR.'S GLASS EYE



It's hot, humid and impossible to think in NYC today, let alone blog about anything too complex.
So instead, I'm offering up a rare, historical treat: Sammy Davis Jr.'s glass eye.
It was on display for several years at The Freakatorium, a.k.a El Museo Loco on the Lower East Side.
The owner, Johnny Fox was a sword swallower who also showcased such wonders as the two headed dog skull and Tom Thumb's vest.

Sadly, the Freakatorium closed down five years ago.

If anyone knows where these curios have been moved to, please let me know. It seems that the freaks in this world are getting harder and harder to find, and these artifacts deserve some love!

Monday, June 21, 2010

THE LONELY SHOE



Our new "Random NYC Photos" concept is off to a great start!
One of you sent me the above snapshot to add to the collection.
Today I present you with, "THE LONELY SHOE"

I'm not sure what the backstory is here. Did some drunken Cinderella lose it after a night of singing Lady Gaga songs at a karaoke bar? I suspect the odds of her inebriated, Bon Jovi-belting Prince Charming tracking her down are pretty slim.

Or perhaps some firey young woman came home from work early to find her boyfriend and some other woman naked in bed. Enraged, she scoops up this woman's clothes and shoes and throws them out the window shrieking, "Get the fuck out of here, you whore!" This prompts the naked woman to quickly wrap herself in a sheet and run out onto the street, wildly snatching up what she can before hailing a taxi, leaving this shoe behind.

I guess we'll never know...

Friday, June 18, 2010

MAMA D'S ARTS BORDELLO: SLAUGHTERING SACRED COWS-TONIGHT!


The time has come! Get down to Parkside Lounge where sensational best-selling author Jackie Collins will kick off this show via skype. Then put on yor safety glasses and rubber gloves because your favorite icons and cultural institutions are getting slaughtered! The Middle Class, Shakespeare, Bono--we're making mincemeat out of 'em. And the venerable NPR is going on trial. Will this esteemed Sacred Cow of radio be slaughtered or spared? Come be in the audience and deliver a verdict.
Plus: You could win a delicious prize during Mama D's Meat raffle!

Where: Parkside Lounge
When: Tonight at 8pm
How Much: $5

See you there!

Thursday, June 17, 2010

NEW CONCEPT: RANDOM NEW YORK PHOTOS



It's the dawn of an exciting new era here at Peon Confidential! That's right. We're adding something else to this cyber brew.
I'll be snapping photos of random shit around New York City and accosting you with them on this blog.
Be forewarned-I'm no great photographer. I can't dance either but that won't stop me from making an ass of myself at your wedding.

This will be a photo potpourri. Sometimes the photos will be people, sometimes they'll be inconsequential snapshots of NY life. Don't over think them too much.

This first photo is, "STILL LIFE IN THE LAUNDRY ROOM."

I liked this image because with the multiple Duane Reade drug store bags and proud Bloomingdale's bag standing at attention, you just know it had to take place in NYC...well that and the fact that the laundry room is a filthy shithole.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

SECOND HAND LUNGS


So-
I have a bit of experience in purchasing second hand items. In fact, second hand books are cooler in some ways. You might see that the previous owner underlined certain phrases and wonder what kind of person they were. Of course, you occasionally wonder what that disgusting green glob is on page 152.
Which brings me to this story from the Associated Press:

Woman Received Lungs of a 30-year Smoker

LONDON – The family of a 28-year-old British woman who unknowingly received a lung transplant from a smoker says she would have been "horrified" and have lodged a complaint.
Cystic fibrosis sufferer Lyndsey Scott in February received a double lung transplant from a donor who had smoked for three decades. She died in July of pneumonia.
Britain's top transplant official Chris Rudge defended the decision and said patients should be told they are not getting a "brand new" organ. He said on the BBC that "lungs from a smoker can be working perfectly normally."

Now, I think this transplant official is kind of a prick. Of course this patient knew she wasn't getting a "brand new" organ.
It's not like they stock new lungs at your local Target.
But getting this particular set of lungs is a bit like getting Pamela Anderson's used vagina.

The bottom line is:
If you're getting something used, it's best if it's "gently used", to use a vintage clothing term.
It seems to me there ought to be a Kelley Blue Book for second hand organs.

Friday, June 11, 2010

5 NEW PORK SLOGANS


Apparently, Pork Industry honchos are searching for a new slogan. Sales are stagnant and "The Other White Meat" isn't cutting it anymore. I'd love to sit in on the pork slogan brainstorming sessions. Tell ya what fellas, here are a few ideas I came up with, just off the top of my head:

1. Stab Your Fork Into Some Pork

2. Don't Worry, Swine Flu Doesn't Actually Come From Eating Swine

3. This Little Piggy Got Slaughtered And Wound Up On Your Plate

4. Ham It Up Tonight!

5. We Ain't Fakin'-There's Nothin' Better Than Bacon

Wednesday, June 09, 2010

10 MOVIES WITH SHITTY MESSAGES



It occurs to me that people have overlooked some of the lousy messages buried within popular films over the years. Well no more. I'm fed up. It's time to call these classics out, and I'm just the cranky bitch to do it:

1. Forrest Gump: It's better to be naive and ignorant because otherwise you'll get hooked on drugs and die.

2. Pretty Woman: Prostitution is a great way to land a cute, rich guy who buys you lots of expensive stuff.

3. Sixteen Candles: Date rape is totally hilarious!

4. Ratatouille: Rats in the kitchen are adorable!

5. Grease: When you completely change your image and learn to dress like a slut, you get the hot guy and everybody's happy.

6. Dead Poets Society: Pompous, irritating windbags are "inspiring".

7. Patch Adams: Don't be afraid if your doctor is some nutjob wearing a clown nose.

8. Twilight: Pasty stalkers who watch you sleep are "romantic".

9. The Wizard of Oz: If you magically find yourself in a beautiful place with great friends and cool shoes, it's still better to go back to the dusty, dreary shithole you came from.

10. Pretty In Pink: That guy who really loves and understands you, who is sweet, funny and kind? Yeah. Forget him and go for the rich asshole who was too embarrassed to be seen with you.

Have you got one to add? Lay it on us.

Thursday, June 03, 2010

FATHER'S DAY ANNOYANCE


So-
Every year around this time I start the hunt for a Father's Day card suitable for my father. Yes, I have to start this early because it is such a pain in the ass. They're all illustrated with pictures of tools, golf, barbecues or fishing poles (none of which applies to my father.) Worse, they all have sappy inscriptions like,
Dad, you've taught me how to live, share and love. You're the best dad I could ever ask for.

Dad, you're wise and caring. My love for you grows every year. Thanks for always being there for me.

Dad, you're my hero.

Yuck.

And listen, I love my dad. I love him for the person he is, not for who I wanted him to be. It took me a while to figure that out.

So all I want is a card that says, "Well, dad...you tried."

Yeah, I could just write it myself. But it would be oddly reassuring to know that someone at Hallmark felt the same way.

Friday, May 28, 2010

CAPTIONING WITH INTENT


CAPTIONS FOR THE ABOVE "RESPECTABLE DAD" PHOTOS

1. I heard through the grapevine that Bill McGillicutty's company is planning to transfer him to London where he will be living with his gorgeous wife in a multi-million dollar townhouse.

2. Yet here I am, unemployed, living in this shitbox with my mustachioed wife.

3. Bill McGillicutty is goin' down, fuckers.

4. That's better. Now, I'll put on my glasses and spy on the hot college girls next door.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

EMBARRASSING GYNECOLOGIST CHITCHAT



One thing that I have always loved about working in news is that when people enter the newsroom to begin work for the day, they don't always greet you with the standard "How are you?" that you get in other corporate environments.
We newspeople are a little peculiar.
The most extreme example of this phenomenon can be found here: ASS ASSESSMENTS.

Years ago, a CNN co-worker of mine shuffled into the studio on an overnight shift and sighed, "My gynecologist completely humiliated me."
I raised an eyebrow and she continued with:
"He's an old guy. I just don't think he understands the art of chitchat with his patients. But there I was with my feet in the stirrups, my hoo hoo on display, he's digging in with the speculum and says, "So last weekend I went Largemouth Bass fishing with my buddy Joe."



P.S. Happy Birthday Eve Ensler!

Monday, May 24, 2010

SAUSAGE AGONY



First things first: tabouli isn't the best thing to eat for breakfast. Not sure why really. And I keep waiting for the day when I'll just magically get one of those fully-stocked, well-organized adult refrigerators packed with Tupperware and I won't have to eat weird shit for breakfast. I'll eat toast with delicious raspberry jam or maybe chocolate chip pancakes. But somehow, I still wind up eating tabouli, a pickle and a hunk of stale cheese.

Anyway-
I just read this headline: "Man Sucked into Sausage Seasoning Machine".

Now, I hasten to add that this man from Danvers, Massachusetts is okay. And he probably ate a better, less tabouli-centric breakfast than me today.

It's just that...I don't think it's possible to live that down. The Sausage Seasoning Machine Incident will be incorporated into wedding toasts, bar stories, family lore and each time someone introduces him to someone new, it will be followed up with "He was sucked into a sausage seasoning machine once."

He might as well just get the t-shirt printed up and embrace it.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

MYSTERY BREWING IN MY BUILDING



This morning I took the trash out and found this note attached to the garbage chute:
Whoever on this floor dumps cat litter down the chute and sprays poop on the floor should be very ashamed.

I'm watching you!

NO CAT POOP ON THE FLOOR!!!

I wonder how it feels to be the Sherlock Holmes of cat poop.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

SLAUGHTERING SACRED COWS FLYER


Fresh from Photoshop: Mama D's newest, coolest flyer yet. Click to enlarge your bloody enjoyment...

Friday, May 14, 2010

DEATH TO THE OVER POPULATED PITY PARTY


Well-
I am sweeping up the cigarette butts and deflated balloons, recycling the beer cans, taking down the limp streamers and unclogging the toilet because my pity party of the past two weeks is over. I even deleted a couple of pathetic posts.
See, that's the dangerous thing about pity parties today.
It used to be that when you threw yourself one, it was a small affair. You'd mope around the house, watch bad TV, eat fattening food, kill a bottle of wine.
Alone.
But now, we send out invitations to our pity parties, through our blogs, Facebook and Twitter. Look at me! I'm miserable! Boo hoo!
I can't believe I succumbed to it.
It's embarrassing.

The point is, I'm back.
The ridiculous, curiously attired, peculiar person you've come to love (okay...barely tolerate) has returned and I've sent the glum bitch packing.

I've never been so happy to see a party end.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

THE LIMELIGHT: CHURCH OF COMMERCE



So-
I was carousing with a friend over the weekend, and we passed by what used to be infamous Limelight club on 6th Avenue. Built between 1844-46, this Gothic structure began as The Holy Communion Episcopal Church. In 1983, nightclub impresario Peter Gatien turned it into a throbbing shrine to decadence. Early on it was a place to hear New Wave music and later, a stage for 90s club kids to show off their sartorial creations. In 2001 the Limelight shut its doors and briefly reopened as Avalon.

It's now the Limelight Marketplace, with over 60 shops to rummage through. We popped inside this Church of Commerce out of curiosity and vague disgust. You can buy a dress for your dog now and pose for your free commemorative photo. The sign by the photo area says, "Get your 15 minutes of fame!"

As shocked as people were about the initial de-sanctification, this desecration seems worse. While I never danced at The Limelight, (I moved to New York after it had closed) I used to read about it in Spy Magazine as a bored teenager on Whidbey Island. I dreamt of crazy parties, outrageous behavior and creative, glamorous creatures of the night.

Now this hallowed club ground is filled with dull, boring, unoriginal motherfuckers who would never have set foot in there before. It's wholesome family entertainment now, because shopping has become an American religion. Perhaps this Church of Commerce will become the new consumerist Mecca.

Here's what I don't get:

What the hell happened to New York club culture?

Why is it no one wants to dance in NYC anymore? And don't tell me it's because people have no money. They seem to have oceans of cash to buy stupid, usless shit.

Why is it no one wants to put on ridiculous clothes and let loose underneath some flashing lights? Doesn't anyone need the DJ to save their life anymore? Or is it just that credit cards and air conditioned malls are fulfilling that fantasy now? How did we get to a point where we'd rather spend money purchasing clutter over an evening of getting sweaty on the dancefloor? What's the point of having a closet full of shoes if you never dance in them?

Wednesday, May 05, 2010

LOVE SEATS ON THE BUS: YOU GOTTA BE JOKIN' ME!


I've lived in New York for eight years now, and there are times you catch yourself in the process of becoming a real New Yorker. Like the first time I stuck my head out the window and shouted "SHUT UUUUUUUUUP!" at the dogs barking in the next apartment. Or the first time I began a traditional New York conversation with a stranger at Duane Reade while waiting forever (which in New York is 5 minutes) at the checkout. This conversation always starts with, "Can you believe this?" accompanied by a slight shrug and an outstretched palm. And of course there's the first time I banged on the hood of a taxi because it was too far into the crosswalk. As if on cue, the pedestrian next to me yelled at the driver, "Hey! We're walkin' here!"

So when I read the following story, I tried to put it into NYC context:
COPENHAGEN (AFP) – A Copenhagen bus company has put "love seats" on 103 of its vehicles for people looking to make a new friend ... or even something more.
"Even love at first sight is possible on the bus," said a spokesman for the British owned Arriva company to explain the two seats on each bus that are covered in red cloth and a "love seat" sign.
"You never know what will happen," spokesman Martin Wex told AFP. "We cannot guarantee that you will find the person of your dreams. We are just offering the possibility for people to communicate, to smile a bit more and possibly, to win someone's heart."
The experiment, which according to driver testimony has lightened the mood on buses, is to last two weeks, Wex said. "Some drivers have noticed smiling girls sitting in these seats," hoping for interesting company, he said.

Love seats? On public transportation?
Holy shit.
I cannot imagine getting on a stinky, crowded NYC bus to find cute little love seats with signs. Nor can I imagine smiling girls in those seats, waiting for interesting company.
Here's what would happen if this concept were exported to my city:

Girl gets on bus. She's late for work. She's checking her Blackberry and sits down, not realizing it's a "Love Seat". Horrible, fat ogre in stained sweatpants gets on bus and sits next to her. He smells bad. She cringes. He leans in. She plasters herself against the side of the bus in a desperate effort not to touch him. He can't distract her from the Blackberry so finally he says, "Look at this!" and whips out his penis. She shrieks, "What the fuck are you doing?" A college kid pulls out his iPhone and snaps a picture of the pervert. It's sent directly to the NYPD. An old lady points her finger and says, "You're a pig! That's what you are. A pig!"
The horrible, fat ogre in stained sweat pants makes a hasty getaway at the next stop.
The old lady turns and says to the college kid, "Can you believe this?"

Monday, May 03, 2010

THE ROLLING STONES: EXILE ON MAIN STREET


I think it's pretty fitting that the Rolling Stones 1972 album, "Exile on Main Street" has been re-released now.
We're wallowing in the pop cultural after-effects of the American Idol hype machine, with reality TV rendering the bulk of the populace into fake celebrities. We're realizing that our major food sources are flavored with high fructose corn syrup and it's making us fat and stupid. People pretend to fight for justice but they can't even spell the words correctly on their protest signs.

So damn it, we need this filthy, muddy, messy album to remind us of what honesty sounds like.

This album is authentic and unwieldy. There's no autotune. This is real music with intelligent lyrics. When they recorded it, The Rolling Stones had already gone through their shiny pop star era and were now rich, druggy, debauched and had probably been exposed to every STD known to man. This album reflects that state of malaise. It's a sonic lens flare; gorgeous, hazy and self-indulgent. I bet the recording studio smelled like B.O., pot and just a touch of expensive cologne.

If you've never heard "Exile on Main Street" before, don't you dare just download one song. This is an album, not a collection of singles. Listen to the whole thing. Don't watch TV or get on the computer. Crank it up, turn out the lights and listen. Hear that? That's the sound of rock n' roll louche life.

Monday, April 26, 2010

TOP 5 WORST PLACES TO BE CAUGHT HAVING SEX


So-
I recently came across an article about two people who were caught having sex in a K-Mart bathroom.
It struck me that this would not have been nearly as embarrassing if they were caught in a cool L.A. club. Or perhaps a chic NY restaurant. But a K-Mart bathroom is pretty horrific.
Then I started to think about other mortifying places to be caught in the act.
I came up with this list:

1. On top of the kitchen table in the above photo

2. At Sears Portrait Studio, in front of the "woodland" backdrop

3. At Costco, behind a massive stack of pickle jars

4. At a Taco Bell, in a vat of ground beef

5. The Foot Locker

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

THE DOG HOUSE TAVERN ON WHIDBEY ISLAND


The Dog House Tavern is a weathered, red wooden structure built by the Olympic Game Club in 1908. Over the years it has hosted vaudeville shows, prize fights, silent movie screenings, proms, basketball games, temperance meetings, and all night gambling events. Boozy gamblers would sleep on cots in the upstairs room to avoid the "dog house" status awaiting them with their wives at home. During prohibition in 1933 it officially became The Dog House Tavern.

Being such an old, rickety looking building, many Whidbey Islanders wondered if The Dog House would collapse under the weight of history and rain, sliding into the Puget Sound one dark night. But The Dog was built tough. It could withstand generations of poker faced cheaters, rustlers, hustlers and midnight floozies.

Now this historic building might disappear in a different way. It's up for auction on April 23rd, and its fate remains uncertain. [UPDATE: The auction has been postponed for a week.] If someone buys The Dog House just to tear it down, I'll be heartbroken...even if the food there often gave me heartburn.

The Dog House Tavern played a central role in my teenage years. Nobody there gave a shit if we sat in the restaurant area; singing sitcom theme songs, annoying the paying customers while we drank water or nursed one cup of coffee. They never complained if someone sat by the totem pole at the backdoor, practicing three chords on a guitar. Occasionally, someone would put a quarter in the player piano and we'd ironically dance until tourists would want to take our picture. Then we'd sneer at them and leave.

They hired teenagers too. One of my friends worked in the kitchen, and rumor had it he would spit in the Principal's chili when he came in. (This may have actually improved the flavor of the chili.)

Underneath The Dog House was a cave called "The Pleasure Dome". Admittedly, whoever named it this either had a fanciful imagination or very low standards. Because all you'd find inside were a stained mattress, some empty beer cans and a couple of used condoms.

But The Dog House deserves to be saved. It's an iconic piece of Pacific Northwest history. Families ate there, actors performed there, tourists boozed up there, and once I saw my dentist dressed in a devil's costume darting in there.

Of course, when I lived on Whidbey Island, I was never old enough to sit in the saloon area. So I'd love to go back there, stride through those swinging doors and take my seat at the bar where so many other misbehaved ramblers came before me.

Monday, April 19, 2010

AN ASSAULT ON MY TOILET SENSIBILITIES


I'm not sure how it happened exactly, but I have the dubious distinction of being the go-to person for all of your toilet related issues. This includes breaking news updates, jokes and the above photo. One of you sent it to me yesterday with the note, "This would look great in your bathroom, next to the porn pole."
SIDE NOTE: For those of you who have never seen my bathroom, I made lemonade out of lemons by decorating a particularly ugly pole with a collage of pictures from a 1980s Playboy magazine I found on St. Mark's Place. The best part? Joan Collins is the main attraction.

While I'm grateful for this bit of decorating advice, I have to say that this item is one of the most appalling things I've ever seen. I actually flinched when I looked at it. It's truly offensive. I was so disgusted that I asked myself these questions:

1. Who decided that wiping one's ass should be whimsical jaunt to Jolly Olde England?

2. What the hell is this butler wearing? Is that a half shirt? What's going on with his stomach?

3. Why is his finger so damn long?

4. When did it become acceptable for a butler to hold his nose with his freakishly long finger, thereby insinuating that my shit stinks?

5. How did I get to a point in my life where someone sees this repugnant item and automatically thinks of me?

Sunday, April 11, 2010

ALL THAT GLITTERS: NEW YORK'S DIAMOND DISTRICT


A detour through Forty-seventh Street between 5th and 6th Avenues is an extraordinary assault on the senses. Flanked by two huge Diamond-tipped pillars on either end, stumbling upon The Diamond District is like finding a bazaar amidst all the midtown media conglomerates and office buildings.

Business is conducted in several languages; Russian, Spanish, Chinese. Each doorstep reveals merchants on cell phones or smoking a cigarette. Men wearing heavy gold chains hand out flyers as they bellow monotonously, “We buy diamonds, we buy gold.” Wildly different architectural styles stand side by side: Beaux Arts, Art Deco, International Style. Armored vehicles with precious cargo lumber in and out. Couples walk hand in hand, oblivious to the chaos. The women eye the rings while the men eye the pretty girls, peering out from shop windows as they arrange the sparkling goods. Hasidic men dressed in black stride past tourists wearing I LOVE NY t-shirts. If rumors are true, the brown paper sacks tucked under the arms of men dressed in understated suits may be hiding a glittering cache of gems or just a pastrami sandwich.

And at the end of the street a Pomeranian dog named Pepe is perched on a chest by a kiosk. But only on sunny days. “Pepe don’t like the cold,” his owner explains.

I have been fascinated by this block for years, and never seemed to find much historical information about it, apart from a few lurid headlines and some facts and figures about diamond sales. But talking with two dealers from Rick Shatz Inc. who have been in the diamond business for 30 years provided some insight. In an office filled with black velvet lined boxes of “Fancy Yellow” diamonds, photos of family on the walls and stacks of paperwork, Rick and “Uncle Fish” talked about the industry, past and present. They explained how diamond-cutting techniques were traditionally passed down from father to son. As they spoke, they cut each other off and filled in each other’s blanks with the type of familiarity that long-term friendship inspires.

They both agreed that the internet is the greatest catalyst of change in the diamond industry.
“It used to be that there was a personal connection,” said Rick. “A guy would travel all over the world, carrying his diamonds for sale. Now there’s no need. You can get on the internet, put in an order, and in a day get what you want. It’s good for the consumers, who are more educated about diamonds than ever. But there is a loss of personal connection. It used to be that a son would buy an engagement ring from the same man that his father did. There was a sense of tradition. That has faded a little.”

After leaving their office, I took Steve Kilnisan’s Diamond District tour, the only one-hour, one-block tour in the City. Turns out that the Diamond District is a true rags to riches tale. According to Mr. Kilnisan, in the late 1800’s it was a rag district, where rags were cut, washed and sold. By the 1920’s publishing houses had moved in. Playwright Eugene O’Neill used to have a working studio there, where he’d make last minute revisions and rush back to the theatre district. Diamond shops began springing up by the mid-1950’s. The area nearly shifted again in the 1990s. After 42nd street had been revamped into a family-friendly center, the adult entertainment industry tried to set up shop on 47th street. This was avoided by registering the synagogues in the area, like the tiny Radio City Synagogue. By invoking a zoning law that states no adult oriented business can be within 500 feet of a house of worship, the Diamond District was spared an influx of peep shows.

After the tour I popped into the National Jewelers Exchange. On the second floor there is a kosher restaurant called "The Diamond Dairy of New York". Deals are made over tuna fish sandwiches and noodle pudding. A seat by the window overlooks the diamond exchange below. Jewels shine as they are brought out from behind glass cases. Customers in all manner of clothes; fatigues, heels and suits come in and examine the goods. There is laughter in one stall and serious discussion in the next. Angie the waitress, wearing a big red flower in her hair and matching lipstick surveyed the scene with me. With a little sigh she said,

“Beautiful aren’t they? All those jewels. I come in here to work every day. Sometimes I succumb and buy something. I got the prettiest garnets the other day. How they sparkle! I figure, you can’t put it all in the bank, right?”

Wednesday, April 07, 2010

DEAD MEN MAKE BAD TRAVEL PARTNERS


File this one under, "People Who Have No Fucking Common Sense And Deserve What They Get".
Just woke up and read this little tidbit:
LONDON (Reuters) – Two women were arrested at a British airport on suspicion of trying to smuggle a dead relative onto a flight bound for Germany, police said on Tuesday.
The 91-year-old deceased man was pushed in a wheelchair through Liverpool's John Lennon airport wearing sunglasses before check-in staff became suspicious and he was prevented from boarding the plane.

Yeah.
You read that right.
They put sunglasses on a 91-year-old corpse and wheeled him though the airport. Now I realize that most 91-year-old men aren't terribly spry. But there's a difference between not sprinting to catch your flight and slumping over while turning blue.

But beyond that, it seems to me that the sunglasses are really what gave them away. This was an airport in Liverpool. Not a city known for it's bright, sunshiny weather. I suspect anyone wearing sunglasses would look suspicious.

Monday, April 05, 2010

GLOBE TROTTING TOILET PAPER


It has been well-documented that I am a heinous toilet paper thief.
Evidence of my crimes can be found right here: EXHIBIT A.
When I steal these paper goods from restaurants, bars and quaint bistros, my friends usually just shake their heads sadly. Sometimes they sigh and mutter, "Oh, Saara." I can tell they're wondering how their lives got so far off track that they're stuck with the likes of an unrepentant asswipe criminal rather than an esteemed Astrophysicist or a witty Pulitzer prize winning author.

But I have one friend who doesn't seem to mind. He just came back from Italy. I saw him Saturday night and he presented me with a beautiful gift...a stolen roll of toilet paper from his hotel in Rome. As you can see, I even took a photo of this treasure. This toilet paper traveled across the Atlantic just to be in my bathroom. This toilet paper was packed and carried through customs. Then it was carried into a nice Upper West Side restaurant and presented with a flourish.

Just in time too. I was on my last stolen roll and was preparing for the hunt.

Monday, March 29, 2010

THE FAMILY DOCTOR: IT'S TIME FOR A REVIVAL



As the health care debate rages on and TV pundits froth at the mouth, one thing remains clear to me:

It's time to wake up and realize what an incredibly vital resource General Practitioners are. These Family Doctors not the bad guys. They don’t make a ton of money. They work hard. They live modestly. And they’ve been screwed over by insurance companies for years. It’s no wonder most med students have chosen to specialize rather than become GPs.

I'm not a medical professional, but take this issue personally. The doctor in the photo above, calling his patients back with their results? That's my dad. The funny looking girl in velour pants standing in front of the sign for his clinic? That's me.

Whenever I had a cold as a little kid, my neighbors on Whidbey Island would say to me,
“But your dad’s a doctor!” as though this connection alone would keep the sniffles away. People trusted my father to do everything, since he was a General Practitioner. And he did. He treated Strep throat and head lice, stitched up construction men, lanced moles, and served as a friendly person to talk to for old ladies with no real complaints except loneliness.

His patients loved him like a relative, and our house would always be filled with homemade cookies, fresh vegetables from gardens, and hand knit sweaters from people who wanted to express their gratitude. I think they felt closer to him than I did. Even now when people ask if he’s a good dad, I always say, “he’s a great doctor.” I have never had the privilege of seeing a doctor with as much genuine concern as my father had for his patients. Nor have I met one so willing to explain medications, side effects or just listen as you ramble on about disturbing nightmares that rob you of sleep.

My dad didn’t practice on Whidbey Island for his entire career. His first solo practice was in the rural town of LaMoure in North Dakota. It was here that a teenaged boy was rushed into his clinic with severe head injuries from motorcycle accident. The closest hospital with proper facilities was two hours away, and he would have died. With no other options, my father performed brain surgery with a drill from the local hardware store. The boy survived, experienced no subsequent mental problems and after a few months got back on a motorcycle.

From LaMoure, North Dakota he moved to Honolulu, Hawaii. These were the heady days of the late 1970’s, and he practiced in a clinic ensconced in a Waikiki hotel that looked like a cross between a bordello and a disco. It was here that he diagnosed his first AIDS patient, back when it was called GRID.

But I was far too young to understand what it meant to be a doctor until he started his practice on Whidbey Island. It was a real mom and pop business. I worked there after school sometimes, filing charts and moodily answering the phone in the front as my mother took x-rays and did lab work in the back.

I’m not going to lie. I hated being there. I hated most things when I was a teenager. But I loved his office, lined with hardback books ranging from Tropical Medicine to Somerset Maugham. On the right wall was a chalkboard where he would draw diagrams for his patients to fully explain their medical issues. The wall behind his desk showcased his degrees. There was also a hockey stick, a Lucite plaque with a hemorrhoid encased in it (a joke from the doctor who removed it from his butt a day before my Dad ran the Honolulu marathon) and pictures of me.

Doctors like my father are nearly as extinct as carhops or paying for groceries with a check. For the majority of his career, he went on house calls with a beat up leather medical bag, traveling down winding, Douglass fir-lined roads in a Chevy Blazer. As he drove, he’d blast Willie Nelson or Puccini’s La Boheme, whichever suited his mood at the time. He’d knock on the doors of cabins, trailers and mansions overlooking Puget Sound. In these diverse homes, he’d soothe allergic reactions and calm colicky babies.

Every year he gave free physicals to all the kids doing high school sports. He was also the high school football team doctor, running up and down the length of the field in a ratty trench coat, cheering the loudest of anybody for the South Whidbey Falcons, and cringing when a kid would get hurt.

He worked on the barter system when people couldn’t afford to pay. So in exchange for medical treatment he’d accept window washing, lawn mowing, fresh salmon and sock eye fish, and (since we lived in Washington State) chainsaw carved totem poles.

He was on call 24 hours a day, and many nights was awakened at 2am, 3am, or 4am to stitch someone up at his office. He’d grumble a little, pull on a sweat suit and a University of Washington Huskies cap over his balding head and head out.

He was entrenched in the community; invited to graduations, weddings and family potlucks. He truly loved his patients, and they loved him back.

All these years later, I wish I had that beat up old doctor's bag of his. It amazes me that the contents of that bag and the man who carried it used to save lives. Me, I'm not that noble. I'd use it as a fashion accessory. But no matter what side of the health care debate you're on, that bag is a symbol of a medical era that really should return to style.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

THE SOUND OF MAMA D'S ARTS BORDELLO


Sometimes when I have to explain Mama D's Arts Bordello to someone who has never experienced it, they get a little perplexed. This was particularly problematic when I accepted a position at a Business News Network and we had Orientation Day. They asked us to introduce ourselves and provide some personal information.
For whatever reason, I brought up Mama D's Arts Bordello...This did not go over well. You've never seen more uncomfortable, confused-looking assholes in sad suits.

(P.S. I barely lasted 2 months at that dismal place. I did manage to steal a stapler though, which I still use to staple the famed Mama D's Trivia Contest quizzes together.)

But I digress.

The point is, there really isn't anything else like our show, so it's tough to describe. It's a live show that's bawdy, literary, spontaneous, cinematic, weird, funny and loud. You just have to get your ass to the bordello to understand.

But as a public service today, I thought I'd present you with a list of songs that sonically define Mama D's Arts Bordello. Our show is authentic. It's not rehearsed. It's a party. These songs reflect Mama D's joyously rude and raucous vibe.

So take a listen to this set list. Play it loud. Dance in your underpants and you'll see the murky bordello light:

1. Bad Reputation-Joan Jett

2. Rocks Off-The Rolling Stones

3. Orgasm Addict-The Buzzcocks

4. Fuck You-Lily Allen

5. Rebel Rebel-David Bowie

6. Mixed Bizness-Beck

7. How You Like Me Now?-The Heavy

8. All Day And All Of The Night-The Kinks

9. Get It On (Bang A Gong)-T. Rex

10. Gimme Danger-Iggy Pop

Monday, March 22, 2010

5 THINGS THAT ONLY MAKE SENSE IN THEIR OWN ENVIRONMENT


So-
I recently stumbled across this picture of SPAM flavored macadamia nuts.
To anyone outside of Hawaii, this concept sounds appalling. Criminal, even.
But if you've ever lived in Hawaii, it makes perfect sense. Military personnel stationed in Hawaii during World War II introduced the locals to the canned delight that is SPAM. It was an instant hit and remains so to this day. I think it's because the salty flavor blends well with some of their traditional foods.
Then I started to think about other concepts that only make sense in their own environment.
I came up with this list:

1. The Prytania Movie Theatre in New Orleans. I'd take my seat and notice other patrons would bring in their dogs, parrots, massive plates of spaghetti from home, and daiquiris from the drive-thu daiquiri place around the corner.

2. Young couples in Rome. It's tough to find a parking spot in Rome, so you tend to circle around and around the city until you find one. The first time around, you'll see a couple screaming and yelling at each other. You'll go around again and see the same couple, except one of them is crying. The next time you see them, they're practically fucking in the street. All of this happens within 15 minutes.

3. English men and their profound need to get naked for no apparent reason: "Let's have a naked race down the High Street! Let's ride motorbikes naked! I took a photo of my penis during your wedding reception! Look at me and my mates--we're naked in the pub!"

4. The nonchalant Washington State attitude towards rain.

5. St. Urho's Day. I keep trying to spread the good news on the East Coast. But no one's buying it.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

MAMA D's ARTS BORDELLO: SLAUGHTERING SACRED COWS


Greetings all you Icon Butchers and Slaughterhouse Champions!
We have an official date set for the next Mama D's Arts Bordello show at Parkside Lounge.

It's Friday, June 18th.

Save the date you ruthless bastards. Book your flights. Cancel your previous engagements. Patch up your front bicycle wheel.
You can't miss this stellar event.

There will be blood in the aisles as we slaughter some of culture's most Sacred Cows.
We'll be taking down these hallowed heroes in prose, song, burlesque and film.
We're talking about people beyond reproach--like Shakespeare and Bono.
No fucking mercy!
But that's not all--whole segments of the populace will be massacred!
No one, not even Martin Scorsese will be spared.

Correction:
One mystery Sacred Cow just might be spared. That will be up to you. We're putting this famous person on trial, with two capable lawyers arguing for the Defense and the Prosecution. You the jury will decide if this Sacred Cow will face the chopping block or roam free.

Plus...there's gonna be a meat raffle.

You read right.

A MEAT RAFFLE.

Prepare for a night of bloodthirsty entertainment on Friday, June 18th.

Stay tuned into Peon Confidential for more details.

Friday, March 12, 2010

TOP 5 THINGS YOU SHOULDN'T DO IN A MINIVAN


So-
I woke up this morning, poured myself a cup of coffee in my favorite pink Moomintroll mug and sat down to read this article:

CORPSE DISAPPEARS WHEN MINIVAN IS TOWED

Now that's pretty disturbing.
But why doesn't this funeral director have a proper hearse? There's no respect for tradition these days. It seems completely inappropriate that you can just cart corpses around in any old vehicle with a laminated sign stuck to the windshield. Especially a minivan for fuck's sake. I'd even back a new law preventing this from shit from happening again.

Then I started to think about other activities that are best not done in a minivan. I came up with this list:

1. Going to the Oscars with Jack Nicholson

2. Tantric Yoga Sex

3. Transporting Promiscuous Koalas

4. Fleeing the Law and Gunning it Across the State Line

5. Pulling Up to the Playboy Mansion

Any others?

Thursday, February 18, 2010

MY LOW-TECH HELL


Still no home computer.
My miserable Little House On The Prairie life continues, unabated.
Hence a photo of me with a bonnet perched on my head, churning butter with a pal. Later, we'll get water from the well with a wooden bucket. Then we'll light the kerosene lamp and Pa will play his fiddle.

Yeah, yeah. Okay. I have no idea who these kids are.

Life is bleak and lonely out here on the Prairie.

Friday, February 12, 2010

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU, PEON CONFIDENTIAL READERS!


Hello young lovers! (And you old fuckers too, of course.)
Just wanted to wish you all a happy Valentine's Day weekend.
I also wanted to thank you for taking the time to read this blog. As we're all painfully aware, there are so many distractions, obligations and time thieves out there today, so I'm really grateful to those of you who manage to find room in your busy lives for this ridiculous blog.
So consider this a virtual box of chocolates. But without any of the crappy ones that you take a bite of and put back in the box for some other sorry bastard to find.

Lots of love to you!

P.S. On Monday, I'll assault you with the opening paragraph of my novel and maybe you can tell me what you think.

Monday, February 08, 2010

NEW ORLEANS RETROSPECTIVE


I was pretty excited about last night's Super Bowl win, because I went to school in New Orleans.

Correction: I finally completed my undergraduate degree in New Orleans. I started off at Richmond College in London, transferred to NYU and finished up my B.A. in Political Science at University of New Orleans.
(Don't ask about the logic behind any of this because it takes too long to explain. Besides which, those of you who know me know that logic rarely factors into any of my decisions.)

The point is, I spent an extraordinary year and a half in a city I knew nothing about before moving there. It was a totally different cultural experience than what I was used to. This shocked me, since at the time I didn't realize how different the various regions of our country can be. But I've never had a single regret. New Orleans is magical, beautiful and sometimes scary. It's the birthplace of some of this country's finest music, food and literature. I feel honored that I had the pleasure of living there for a while, and will always have a special love for New Orleans.

So today, since I am over-flowing with New Orleans nostalgia, I'm sharing some photos I took while living there. None of them are particularly well shot. I had a shitty camera. And I'm a lousy photographer. But you can click on all the photos to enlarge them (if you're reading this on the actual blog spot and not Facebook.) Plus I'll try to make up for the lack of photographic skills by explaining the pictures in detail...

This above photo is my cool Bachelorette Pad on Royal Street in the French Quarter. It was a converted stable. As you can see, this is the mid-90s, because there is a framed poster of Gustav Klimt's The Kiss on the wall. There must have been some law passed that everyone needed to display some Klimt in that era; whether it be a journal, a poster or a coffee mug. But the apartment was great. Upstairs was my loft area. The only issue was that at one point, I was up there watching some TV when I noticed some weird insects flying around. I didn't pay too much attention until I noticed that they appeared to be coming from my closet. I finally worked up the courage to open the closet and was swarmed by flying termites. It was downright Biblical. I ran screaming to my landlady. She rescued me and told me I could stay in the owner's multi-million dollar apartment, since they were living in France at the time.
I wound up staying there for the rest of my stint in New Orleans. This apartment was incredible:

I interned at WDSU, the local NBC affiliate, which at the time had their headquarters in the French Quarter. They'd send me out to cover music festivals, sporting events and block parties. But once I had to interview a woman who had just lost 4 members of her family in a fire. I was so worried walking into her house, fearing she'd be huddled in a corner, crying. But no. She was wearing her finest clothes, her hair and nails were done, and she asked if the lighting in her home was good enough. That was the biggest lesson I learned in my internship: the excitement of being on TV trumps all other emotions. This was the WDSU courtyard:

Of course, I didn't always go to my internship after school. Sometimes, my pals and I would head straight for the bars. It was usually The Napoleon House. I'd belly up to the bar, take my seat, throw my bookbag on the floor and order a Sazerac at 3:30 in the afternoon:

New Orleans is a Catholic city, which gives it a different flavor than other Southern cities. It was the first place I'd seen where people actually have altars in their homes; rows and rows of candles set up on TV trays or small side tables, flickering in the hot afternoon sun. While I was there, I went to Catholic services at St. Louis Cathedral almost every Sunday. I didn't do this to repent for my boozy ways. I went because they had the most incredible singer there. Plus, I'm a Lutheran, and I have to say, I loved all the Pomp and Circumstance. We don't have all that incense and the pageantry. It was like getting a great show for a couple bucks. Amazing:

One thing I never did while I was there was eat a famous Lucky Dog. I think this is a good enough reason to head back for a visit soon...

Friday, February 05, 2010

MAMA D'S JET SET SHOW IS TONIGHT!



The night has arrived! Get ready for an incredible night of high quality entertainment at high altitude!
Passengers include: Best-Selling author Sally Koslow, Outrageous Comic Abbi Crutchfield, Kentucky Literary Sensation Randi Skaggs, V.I.P Masseuse Myles Goldin, Mama D's Rollicking House Band and the Frequent Flyer Trivia Contest.
Prepare for take-off!

TIME: 8pm
DATE: Friday, February 5th
PLACE: Parkside Lounge
ADDRESS: 317 E. Houston
COVER: $5.00