FAMED HASHSLINGER ROZ SHINES ON

Fellow Peons, it is astonishing how myth and legend are passed on from generation to generation. Much like hieroglyphics once told stories on the walls of caves, we have graffiti on the temporary walls set up by construction workers at CNN's Atlanta headquarters. CNN historians such as myself are deeply moved by this graffiti, for it has provided a valuable service: keeping the spirit of Famed Hashslinger Roz alive! Yes, these walls are a testament to her lasting CNN cafeteria glory. So it is with great pride that I present to you these new additions to THE MUSEUM OF PEON EXHIBITS. These historic graffiti photos, along with The Roz Files are bittersweet reminders of the enduring, crusty power of Roz.

LARRY KING: A BREATH OF FRESH AIR

This just in:
Larry King has been chosen as the official spokesperson for of all things...breath freshener.
Yes, he and his wife Shawn will be gracing your TV sometime soon, pitching All Natural BreathGemz®.
See for yourself: LARRY KING'S FRESH BREATH

But according to Donald Trump, hiring Larry King to advertise breath freshener seems a bit like hiring Sarah Palin to do an audiobook of the collected works of Shakespeare.

Back in 1999, as he was sitting on Larry's famed CNN set, he stopped the interview to say, "Do you mind if I sit back a little? Because your breath is very bad. It really is. Has this been told to you before?"

VINTAGE CNN WATER COOLER RUMOR

Here at Peon Confidential, we love unsubstantiated rumors.
And have I got a juicy one for you today.
But here's the thing. I don't care if this rumor is true.
It's almost funnier if someone took the time to make up such an elaborate lie, told it to another Peon, who whispered it to another Peon over a decade later, who then messaged me about it last week.
It's beautiful.
So I'm going to go ahead and tell this heartwarming story of One Noble Peon's Uprising in pictures...

It seems that circa 1998, a beleaguered, downtrodden CNN VJ was floor directing for this anchor:

And according to our trusted, anonymous source, this anchor was in a foul mood. He demanded that the VJ get him a glass of water:

But this anchor wasn't exactly polite with his request. One might say he "snapped" or "barked" at the VJ to get him some water.
This was not smart on his part:

Because he clearly had no idea what a Peon making $20,000 a year is capable of once they totally snap under the weight of drudgery and daily humiliation.
Now...
This VJ did in fact get him the water.
Going above and beyond the call of duty, exceeding expectations, if you will...he even took the time to season it in his own special way--by dunking his entire nut sack in the cup. Yes, that's right. He tea bagged this anchor's cup of water.
And just to be sure the flavor was properly mixed, he put his schlong/dong/weiner (fill in your favorite slang word for penis) in there too and swirled it around:

He then presented it to:

And then this VJ performed his floor directing duties, thoroughly enjoying watching this rude anchor sip that delicious glass of Cock and Ball Water throughout the entire news program.

A PEON CONFIDENTIAL CNN TOILET EXCLUSIVE!

Fellow Peons,
This is one of those profound moments in a blogger's life when you realize that it's all worth it. All the struggle, sacrifice, late nights, finger cramps, worn-out pajamas and coffee breath.

For today a faithful reader and valiant news spy sent me the above photo.

Yes, it appears that CNN has a deep commitment to the environment. What you're looking at here is a recycling bin, complete with "newspaper only" sign...IN THE MEN'S RESTROOM AT THE TIME WARNER CENTER.

Now, I have a few observations about this situation:

1. Despite a drop in circulation, print journalism clearly isn't dead. There are some places you really don't want to bring your ipad, laptop or Kindle.

2. Contrary to popular wisdom, people aren't terrified of taking a dump at the workplace. Quite the opposite. What this recycling bin says to me is that professional men are grabbing the NY Times or USA Today from the newsroom and heading straight to the bathroom. This is pretty much announcing to your co-workers, "Good day, colleagues! If you'll please excuse me, I'm about to unleash my fecal matter right here in our place of business."

3. Do you think there was a staff meeting to determine if the men's bathroom really needed a recycling bin? Did they weigh the pros and cons? Who brought it to the higher ups attention that there were stacks of crumpled Shit Lit all over the place?

It's astonishing how much deep thought can be generated from one photo.
So, thank you Toilet Photog! You're a lion among men...Or you know, a guy with a cellphone and a sense of humor.

Which is even better, if you ask me.

BURIED COMMENT: MASTURBATORY MEMORIES

Sometimes I'll get an email telling me that a reader has left a comment on an ancient post.
It's kind of interesting to see what people were searching for in order to find a post that is months or sometimes years old.

Case in point, I recently received a fascinating comment on a moldy post called, "SUSAN ROOK: THE NEW HERB RITTS". Now, you don't have to thank me for this. But when someone named "Mr. Volcher" offers up this charming run on sentence, I refuse to let it languish:

I used to watch Talk Back Live everyday on CNN just to Masturbate when Susan was on does anyone have an address for her

Let's just break this down, shall we?

1. I love how he capitalized "Masturbate". This was no lower case masturbation session. Hell no! When a dedicated viewer like Mr. Volcher is rubbing one out to Susan Rook, it deserves the respect of a capital "M".

2. I love how he refers to himself as "Mr. Volcher". Because despite the fact that he is sharing his historical masturbatory habits with us, we have not been formally introduced. Ergo, we are not on a first name basis. That's a true sign of class, right there.

3. Finally, I really love that he thinks one of us is going to cough up Susan Rook's address for him. Why else do I write this blog, other than to provide Susan Rook's address for the likes of Mr. Volcher? Because while I have no idea where she lives or how she spends her free time, I guarantee she's missing something in her life...

And that something is a grammar challenged Masturbator named Mr. Volcher.

VINTAGE CNN TOMFOOLERY

We haven't done a CNN Peon post in a while, and I think we're due for one.
After all, that's why I began this crazy ass blog.

So-
Question to all you CNN Peons past and present: take a good look at the above photo.
Now be honest. How many of you did this?
And by "this" I mean grab a pal with a camera, peer around to make sure no one was looking, hop on the set and pretend for one brief, shining moment that you were not some lowly peon. For one glorious second you were not a turd dangling from CNN's ass; referred to by your function instead of your name. ("PROMPTER!")
Nay, you were a real professional. With a real name and a real salary.

And short of doing this, how many of you called your friends and told them to turn on CNN to watch as you walked behind the set?
One night I walked behind Bill Hemmer three times in five minutes. I was about to go for my fourth lap when the floor director made fun of me during the commercial break.

Okay. Now 'fess up. Who else pulled stupid shit like this?

TURKEY TETRAZZINI FOR LINDSAY LOHAN

Well I am just flabbergasted. (I don't think I've ever used that word before. Sounds like something Andy Rooney would use, along with "horsefeathers".)

Anyway-
A trusted source just told me that jailbird Lindsay Lohan dined on a fine meal of Turkey Tetrazzini last night, her first culinary experience in the Big House.

Here I thought she'd be dining on gruel and dust bunnies. Instead, she gets the finest meal CNN's Hard News Cafe had to offer!
While this particular Turkey Tetrazzini was not made by Famed Hashslinger Roz's loving hands, it is still an approximation of the savory vittles that made us whistle while we worked at The Plant, a.k.a CNN Center in Atlanta.

Then again...
If I find out tonight's meal is rice and corn with packets of hot sauce, we'll know just where Roz found new employment after getting booted from her Hard News perch.

THE KING IS LEAVING HIS THRONE

Yesterday, CNN legend Larry King announced that he will stepping down from his perch soon and "hanging up his suspenders". Some of you have either worked for his show in the past or still do. I never did find out the truth behind the "he forced a VJ to pick the peanuts out of his Kung Pao chicken" rumor. But he was a comforting, steady presence on CNN and this rapidly changing world will feel just a bit more unsettled without him.

Here he is, interviewing The Letter W on Sesame Street:

EMBARRASSING GYNECOLOGIST CHITCHAT

One thing that I have always loved about working in news is that when people enter the newsroom to begin work for the day, they don't always greet you with the standard "How are you?" that you get in other corporate environments.
We newspeople are a little peculiar.
The most extreme example of this phenomenon can be found here: ASS ASSESSMENTS.

Years ago, a CNN co-worker of mine shuffled into the studio on an overnight shift and sighed, "My gynecologist completely humiliated me."
I raised an eyebrow and she continued with:
"He's an old guy. I just don't think he understands the art of chitchat with his patients. But there I was with my feet in the stirrups, my hoo hoo on display, he's digging in with the speculum and says, "So last weekend I went Largemouth Bass fishing with my buddy Joe."



P.S. Happy Birthday Eve Ensler!

CNN FLASHBACK

This one's for special, long-time reader we'll call Serm:

Picture it, CNNI Master Control. 1999. A hapless, hungry employee comes back from a disappointing expedition to the atrium to rustle up some vittles.
Employee #1 says incredulously: "I can't believe it. Arby's ran out of roast beef!"
To which Employee #2 says in a stupid, nasally voice: "Arby's ran out of roast beef? Why, that's like CNN runnin' outta news!"

And thus, an endlessly repeated techie catch phrase was born.

Happy New Year everyone!

THE OFFICIAL CNN CUM STAIN

I was out with a CNN pal last night, enjoying cocktails in the retro darkness of Campbell's Apartment at Grand Central Terminal.
We got to talking about the CNN Atlanta experience, and how you don't really move to Atlanta, you move to CNN when you accept the job from out of state. It's such a strange, all-consuming bubble existence, and people work such peculiar hours that your life is tied up in CNN Center. You work with these people. You party with these people. You play softball with these people. You fuck these people. You occasionally fuck these people on CNN premises...

Case in point: As a brand new employee, eyes shining with excitement, this pal of mine was given a tour of CNN Center. The tour guide pulled back a curtain in one of the edit bays to point out a cum stain left behind by two horny employees. This humble cum stain had become a a CNN artifact, a newsroom curiosity. The tour guide even mentioned the fornicating couple by name, thus lending credibility to the legend. Now, I highly doubt that these two were the only couple to ever have sex in an edit bay, but they are the only ones with the foresight to leave some evidence behind to solidify their place in CNN history.

Bravo, I say.

DREAM CNN ANCHOR RECIPES

A devoted Peon Confidential reader named Vidiot recently left this comment:

It was great to work with Ralitsa [Vassiliva]-- among other things, she gave me her mom's recipe for potato salad, which I still make. I mean, pleasant conversation is one thing, but a killer potato-salad recipe is forever.

This is superb news. I love that Vidiot is still impressing hungry crowds with Ralitsa's recipe.

But it got me to thinkin':
Which other recipes would I like to have from CNN legends?
Here's what I came up with:

1. Anderson Cooper's Coq Au Vin

2. Larry King's Stewed Prunes

3. Kiran Chetry's Marshmallow Fudge

4. Nancy Grace's Steamed Clam(s)

5. Susan Rook's Twice Baked Potatoes

6. Don's Lemon Meringue Pie

7. Wolf Blitzer's Cheese Blintzes

8. Lynn Russell's Jalapeno Poppers

9. Lou Dobb's Chimichangas

10. And of course...Roz The Famed Hashslinger's Turkey Tetrazznini

What about you?

PRICELESS CNN MOMENT

Good Morning Peons!
I'm happy to brighten your Monday with a vintage story from a CNN pioneer. A control room veteran known as Oy The Audio Man stumbled on Peon Confidential. He wrote in and said:

"I was one of the Original employees at Atlanta, and signed on before CNN went on the air, or the building was even completed. I was scheduled to be in the building 14 hours a day, and was usually there more. I worked 7 days a week for over 3 months, and therefore was there for a lot of incidents. Especially as most nights I slept in the equipment/props storage area on the Sandy Freeman Show furniture. So in many cases when hell broke loose somebody woke me up to help."

As you can imagine, this man has plenty of great tales, but one in particular was my favorite. It's proof that the transition from ancient paper TelePrompter to modern newsroom technology was not so smooth:

"The computer-fed prompter put up a nasty letter of resignation by error. [Anchor] Bob Cain was reading and it started out, 'I'd like to inform you of the passing of something near and dear to me at CNN - myself.' Then it got really nasty. After about 20 seconds of reading, Bob looked at the control area and said, 'Do you really want me to go on reading this?'"

Beautiful. Oy the Audio Man--keep 'em coming please!

DARYN KAGAN T-SHIRT MYSTERY SOLVED

A year and a half later, it took one boozy, humid summer Sunday for one particular New York Peon to crack.
The result?
I finally know who sent me the above Daryn Kagan t-shirt.
So to you two delicious fire crackers--a kiss, a validated ticket for the CNN parking decks and my eternal gratitude...

THE TOILET BULLY STRIKES AGAIN!

EXTRA EXTRA! It's a breaking news Peon Confidential EXCLUSIVE!

A spy sent me the above photograph and this horrific eyewitness account:

"A sewage pipe has burst at TWC streaming raw sewage onto 58th street...it is currently moving downstream towards 8th Avenue. A little too much fiber in the LKL diet?
It's really gross...it's a river of shit...as I walked back into the building, it reminded me of those videos we've all seen of 3rd world countries and their polluted rivers."

Now, I don't know if you remember, but a few months back Peon Confidential leaked an internal memo about bathroom vandalism at the Time Warner Center. We even tried to guess this crazed vandal's identity.

So I'm thinkin' that whoever it is has taken it up a notch. This hooligan is unstoppable; careening to the next level of depraved toilet rebellion.

Something MUST be done about this situation. How many lives have to be ruined by overstuffed toilets and rivers of sewage before the culprit is apprehended?

It's time to take action.

CNN PEON EMERGENCY: DETECTIVE WORK REQUIRED

Are you sitting down?
Because a Peon Confidential spy just sent me the above photograph, thus alerting me to a tragic turn of toilet events.
As the go-to recipient of all your toilet concerns, I was shocked to see that danger is afoot at the Time Warner Center restrooms.

Some rapscallion committed a misdeed so heinous, so destructive, that management had to slap up CAUTION tape over the crime scene.

So listen up all you Colonel Mustards, Miss Scarlets and Professor Plums, the question is...what kind of evil is lurking behind that CNN stall door? And who is responsible?

Possible Suspects and Crimes:

1. Lou Dobbs: Flushing an illegal immigrant down the toilet

2. Anderson Cooper: Using that stall as a closet

3. Nancy Grace: Holding her producer Elizabeth hostage in that stall

4. VJDutton: Haunting that stall like "Moaning Myrtle" from Harry Potter, mourning my dead CNN career

5. Larry King: Hiding in that stall, fearing world domination by Ryan Seacrest

Do you sleuths have any other theories?

TIME WARNER TOILET PROPAGANDA

Today I am again humbled by the thoughtfulness of our Peon Confidential readers, for I found this photograph of a Time Warner toilet poster waiting for me in my inbox.

To quote CNN's resident justice avenger Nancy Grace, "Thank yeeeeew, friend."

It is more proof that when people see anything fart or toilet related, my face immediately comes to mind.
This is an honor right up there with being the spokesperson for Activia.
Which prompts the question--
Jamie Lee Curtis is married to a lord. She's a successful children's book author. I can't imagine she needs the money.
Why does she shill for that shit? It's a step below Lifetime movies.
And you can't tell me that she's hell bent on spreading the gospel of bowel churning yogurt.

Anyway, what I noticed first about this toilet poster is that it looks remarkably like Communist Propaganda. Compare it to the actual propaganda posters I've added. Note the strong, bold lines, the wrench held like a sickle. The plunger held aloft in worker's unity. The rallying call to arms...

Pasty CNN employees beware. Plumbers of the World Unite! No hand towels in the toilet!

BOBBIE BATTISTA RESURFACES

I'm back!
Sorry for the lack of posts last week. The only internet access I had was at the Hyatt's business center, which was overpriced just like everything else in that fucking place. I love Peon Confidential, but not that much.
Now-
Since my jaunt to the nation's capital also involved seeing a few CNN refugees, I thought we'd dig back to our Peon roots here and give you an update on...Bobbie Battista! I must tell you, I had no idea the woman had such a great sense of humor.
Check it:
THE ONION NEWS NETWORK

LEAKED CNN MEMO

I love our Peon Confidential spies. You people do great work. You put the CIA and the MI6 to shame.

Yesterday, one of our spies sent me the Time Warner Year End Message from Jeff Bewkes. It was full of the usual "great job folks" type platitudes, and the expected "but in this tough economy, we face certain challenges."

Now, this is all true.
But what pissed off our spy was this line:

"Just as important to our future is making sure that we correctly manage our structure and costs. It's been hard, but we've made good progress on our aggressive agenda for the year."

Why is this so annoying? Well, our spy provided this nugget:

"The terms of Bewkes’ contract with Time Warner include a base salary of $2 million upon his election as chairman and an annual discretionary cash bonus with a target amount of $8.5 million. An additional long-term incentive package puts Bewkes’ total compensation at as much as $19 million."

Naturally, this prompted further analysis:

"WTF? You want to manage costs? How about not having a potential $19 million dollar pay package?"

Indeed.

THE WEIRD CONSEQUENCES OF NOT DRIVING

Those of you know me are well aware that I don't drive. Never had a driver's license. The whole concept just freaks me out; idiotic me behind the wheel, in control of a car. It actually wakes me up when I have nightmares about driving.
Now, since I live in the United States and not a quaint French village, not having a car has put me in some strange situations.
Such as:

-Getting stranded in downtown Atlanta while looking at lofts, and wandering into a Christian charity office to call a cab. I was allowed to use the phone only after I assured them I had accepted The Lord as my Savior.

-Getting into the back of the cop car that was patrolling St. Pete Beach, Florida. Apparently, I was waiting for a bus that had stopped running. The cop gave me a lift home, not before radioing in that he had a "Caucasian female" in his car. Two days later he tried to get my phone number from the building security guard.

-Considering enlisting in the Navy, because it was within walking distance of my San Diego apartment. I actually called them, and was told with my degree, I could be an officer. I realized how ridiculous this idea was and hung up.

-Considering becoming a stock broker, because Morgan Stanley was within walking distance of my San Diego apartment. I actually took the Morgan Stanley entrance test, but half-way through realized how ridiculous the idea was and proceeded to leave. Some Morgan Stanley bigwig stopped me and called me into his office to give me a pep talk. I still didn't pursue a career as a stock broker.

-Crouching in the back of a New Orleans cab, awaiting gun play, as my cabbie pulled out his gun and called another driver the N word.

-Receiving a pink muumuu and matching shoes plus a decorative brass plate from a Moroccan cab driver who used to drive me home from CNN at 4am every morning.

-Sleeping on Ted Turner's sofa until I could take MARTA at 6am and getting hustled out by two security guards.

-Getting stranded in downtown Cochran, Georgia and having to hang out in Badcock furniture store for an hour, sitting on a Lay-Z-Boy and chatting with the employees. I helped sell a dinette set.

-Actually walking in Atlanta, Georgia, which caused drivers to stop and ask if I was in trouble.

-Actually walking in L.A., where no one asked if I was in trouble but just looked at me like I was insane.