JACKIE COLLINS' MEATLOAF: A PICTORIAL

"Gino had never visited a whorehouse. Unlike his friends, he had never needed to. Fresh, young pussy was plentiful on the street for him."
-Jackie Collins

Fellow Peons, this is a beautiful day. Maybe not for Arnold Schwarzenegger, who found fresh, young pussy among his own household staff and now has to pay the price, but it's a great day for us here on Peon Confidential.

Yes, one of you long time readers made Jackie Collins' Meatloaf Recipe and sent in photos to prove it! I must say, I am deeply impressed: both by your cooking skills and your beautiful stove. My stove is as temperamental as a drug addicted televangelist and about as useless. One burner only emits extreme heat while the other only emits low. The other two don't work. The oven is hotter in the front than the back and dips in the middle.

But enough about that piece of shit. Check out these gorgeous pictures of the most glamorous meatloaf ever!


First Photo: Getting started! Note the Jackie Collins' Meatloaf Recipe in the distance.

Second Photo: Mixing up the fresh, young meat.

Third photo: Baking the meaty deliciousness.

Fourth photo: Jackie Collins' Meatloaf, sliced and ready to devour.

Fifth photo: A Hollywood style romantic dinner for two!

BOOM BOOM FOR MY COCO

A friend of mine in Los Angeles just made a sitcom friend. No, this guy isn't an actor on a sitcom.
It's just that he's so peculiar I can't believe he's a real human being and not the creation of some hack writer.

Case in point:
This sitcom friend wandered over to my pal's apartment at midnight. He began knocking on the door with one hand while holding a coconut with the other.
Now, English is not his first language.
So my pal opens the door and this guy says with a straight face,
"I need a boom boom for my coco."

Through context clues and hand gestures, my pal understood that this weird man holding a coconut on his doorstep at midnight needed some type of tool to crack it open.
Fair enough.
But when he asked this sitcom friend what he planned to make with this coconut (perhaps a tropical drink or some macaroons) he replied,
"Oh. I make a house for my hamster."

ONE HAIRY SITUATION

Just a small observation today.
Now, I know I could use this forum and my poli-sci degree in more effective ways.
I could analyze the situation in Egypt.
I could write an in depth thesis about the lasting economic fallout of the Smoot-Hawley tariff of 1930.
But nay.
What I really want to know is...

Why the hell am I getting so much Bigfoot spam?

No joke motherfuckers.
Every week I delete several comments purporting to blow the lid off the Bigfoot conspiracy.

Who are these Bigfoot fanatics?
How did they find me?

Yes, at one point I wanted to become an Official Bigfoot Tracker, this is true. But that was a fleeting fantasy, and primarily related to the possibility of wearing an Official Bigfoot Tracker Uniform.

I also contributed to a Jackie Collins parody called "The Sasquatch Goddess". But that story has nothing at all to do with Bigfoot and everything to do with a fictional, oversexed, underhanded and oddly hairy film star in Hollywood.

If anything, I should be getting spammed by the Fart Joke Appreciation Society.
At least that would make sense.

DREAM CNN ANCHOR RECIPES

A devoted Peon Confidential reader named Vidiot recently left this comment:

It was great to work with Ralitsa [Vassiliva]-- among other things, she gave me her mom's recipe for potato salad, which I still make. I mean, pleasant conversation is one thing, but a killer potato-salad recipe is forever.

This is superb news. I love that Vidiot is still impressing hungry crowds with Ralitsa's recipe.

But it got me to thinkin':
Which other recipes would I like to have from CNN legends?
Here's what I came up with:

1. Anderson Cooper's Coq Au Vin

2. Larry King's Stewed Prunes

3. Kiran Chetry's Marshmallow Fudge

4. Nancy Grace's Steamed Clam(s)

5. Susan Rook's Twice Baked Potatoes

6. Don's Lemon Meringue Pie

7. Wolf Blitzer's Cheese Blintzes

8. Lynn Russell's Jalapeno Poppers

9. Lou Dobb's Chimichangas

10. And of course...Roz The Famed Hashslinger's Turkey Tetrazznini

What about you?

A NEW CLERMONT LOUNGE LEGEND IS BORN

So, I had a bit of a panic attack when I read that The Clermont Hotel is facing foreclosure. As those of you who live in Atlanta can testify, The Clermont Hotel is also home to the delectably seedy strip club, The Clermont Lounge. This is where Blondie, the fabulous 60-year-old stripper crushes beer cans between her tits. (She used to charge $5 per can crushing, but now with inflation it's $10.)

This club was also immortalized on Salon: BATHROOM CONFIDENTIAL. (Just go ahead and click on it. I wrote it. And yes, perhaps "immortalized" is a bit strong.)

But yesterday, I received an e-mail that calmed all my fears. I now know that this place will never go out of business. Not when hard working, inventive employees like this are on the payroll:

Last night, I had drinks with a friend from college that lives in Atlanta. She tells me that she had a friend in town and took said friend to The Clermont Lounge. Blondie was still there, BUT, now, Blondie's niece named Chandra works there. As exciting as that is, I wondered: Does Chandra smash the PBR cans w/ her tits too? Oh no, not so. Chandra puts the cans between her ass cheeks and with no help of her hands crushes the cans! So, of course, my first question was: Does she insert the can horizontally or vertically? The answer: Horizontally!

She puts the can in, taps her ass playfully, then removes her hands and with one swift unassisted ass flex, she crushes the can between the cheeks...and the can cannot be seen once it's crushed. It goes into recycle heaven between the buttocks! I'm not sure I would want that can, even if it is worth a nickel.

Seeing Chandra use her ass as a trash compactor is absolutely worth a trip to Atlanta. Who's with me?

LEAKED CNN MEMO

I love our Peon Confidential spies. You people do great work. You put the CIA and the MI6 to shame.

Yesterday, one of our spies sent me the Time Warner Year End Message from Jeff Bewkes. It was full of the usual "great job folks" type platitudes, and the expected "but in this tough economy, we face certain challenges."

Now, this is all true.
But what pissed off our spy was this line:

"Just as important to our future is making sure that we correctly manage our structure and costs. It's been hard, but we've made good progress on our aggressive agenda for the year."

Why is this so annoying? Well, our spy provided this nugget:

"The terms of Bewkes’ contract with Time Warner include a base salary of $2 million upon his election as chairman and an annual discretionary cash bonus with a target amount of $8.5 million. An additional long-term incentive package puts Bewkes’ total compensation at as much as $19 million."

Naturally, this prompted further analysis:

"WTF? You want to manage costs? How about not having a potential $19 million dollar pay package?"

Indeed.

SAVORY SEMEN

A peon getting an early start on holiday shopping e-mailed yesterday to let me know what I'm getting for Christmas:
COOKING WITH SEMEN

Well, I just cannot wait to get my hands on that book. Note the charming inscription: "Like fine wine and cheeses, the taste of semen is complex and dynamic. Semen is inexpensive to produce and is commonly available in many, if not most, homes and restaurants. Despite all of these positive qualities, semen remains neglected as a food."

We cannot sit idly by as this culinary resource continues to be shunned. I think the first recipe I'll try is the Cumin Rub, or perhaps the simple Tossed Salad.

But I think there are plenty of recipes that appear to have been left out. Maybe even enough for a follow up book.
Here are a few I came up with:

-Jamaican Jerk Chicken

-Beef Stroke-it-off

-Shrimp Cocktail

-Holiday Cum Balls

-Cock Au Vin

*Bonus Submitted by CNN Hard News Cafe Legend, Roz: Turkey Tetrajizzy

CNN SCANDAL

A Peon Confidential spy just forwarded me an internal CNN memo:

There have been a number of incidents involving vandalism in some of our restrooms, including clogging toilets with hand towels to kicking in doors and removing screws to remove doors off hinges.

This has become a serious problem over the past few months and we have notified Security and they are investigating. If you have questions or concerns, please feel free to contact Security directly...

Any guesses on who this toilet bully is? I've got my money on Ali Velshi.

READER REQUEST: MY PINK MUUMUU

So-
I got an e-mail from a rabid new Peon Confidential fan. I say that with love, because this person enjoyed what they read so much that they went back to the very beginning posts from August of 2006. Now that's devotion! Honey, this post is for you.
This person also referenced a vintage post called BUT I'M A VJ! and asked "Do you still have that muumuu?"

Well of course I do.
What do you take me for?

As you can see in the above picture, I wore the full hot pink muumuu and pointy matching shoes ensemble for a performance I did at the People's Improv Theatre.
If only that Moroccan cabby could see me now!

CNN ANCHOR EXTENSIONS IN THEIR NATURAL HABITAT

Sometimes I am filled with such pride for the savvy readers here at Peon Confidential.
I have received a t-shirt, a book, an artistic rendition of "The Lone Pube" and now this...

It seems that a certain CNN anchor isn't shy when it comes to hair extensions. This person's post-show routine includes ripping them out for all to see and throwing them on the nearest hard surface. One of our wily readers saw these limp, cheap-looking, rather forlorn bits of fake hair on the set and decided to capture their beauty for us.

As always, we will keep this reader/photographer's identity shrouded in mystery. But not the anchor of course. Only Peons are protected around here.

So-
Which of the following CNN anchors attaches these ultra-fashionable extensions to their scalp on a daily basis?
Is it:

1. KIRAN CHETRY

2. LARRY KING

3. ANDERSON COOPER

WHAT DREAMS ARE MADE OF...

Yesterday I came home from work to find a beautiful surprise.
Carefully encased in a bubble wrap envelope, someone had sent me former CNN anchor turned self-help guru Daryn Kagan's inspirational book entitled, "What's Possible!" (Note the exclamation point in the title. That really drives the concept home, doesn't it?)

Enclosed was a card which simply read, "Dare to dream, Saara!"

I cried tears of joy.
For years I've lived in the shadows of my desires. Too shy, too fearful of the consequences of daring to dream.
But now with Daryn Kagan's help, I can and will achieve my goals. No longer will I shuffle through this life unfulfilled.

Thank you, Peon Confidential reader, for sending me this treasure.
And thank you Daryn Kagan, for saving my life. By following your example, anything is possible...

Even sex with Rush Limbaugh.

VJDUTTON=BUNGHOLE BLEACH

I was just going through my e-mail accounts today, clearing out the refuse, and I noticed that no fewer than three people from three different states recently emailed to inform me about Anal Bleaching techniques.
And these were no mass e-mails.
This was no "Hey guys (friends, family, funny co-workers) check this out!"

No, it was more like, "What? Anal Bleaching? I've gotta tell VjDutton about this one. If there's anyone out there who needs to know about Anal Bleaching, it's my pal VjDutton. I just can't get this Anal Bleaching missive out quick enough. Damn it, I'm not even gonna use spell check. No time for that nonsense. Curse this slow computer! VjDutton needs to know about this ASAP."

Thanks to all of you. Really. You've changed my life.

DARYN KAGAN T-SHIRT MYSTERY

So-
The other night I came home slightly intoxicated and the doorman presented me with a package. It had no return address, as it came directly from a website.
Within this package was a beautiful, top-quality, 100% cotton DarynKagan.com t-shirt complete with the inspiring slogan,
"Show The World What's Possible!"
Best of all, this mystery gift-giver had enclosed the charming inscription, "Get my scripts Bitch". (Note how "Bitch" was capitalized, conveying far more respect than I ever got from anyone as a VJ.)

I immediately contacted the two suspects that I believed were responsible-but no! I was mistaken!
So now I am stumped but grateful.

To the mischievous imp who sent me this treasure--you make me proud.

BASYS: GETTIN' HORNY NOW

Yesterday I received an e-mail from another new Peon Confidential reader that was succinct and to the point:

"I'm ex-Atlanta. Stumbled on your old peon blog. I think basys got me laid a few times. Ah the memories."

I tell you, that antiquated computer messaging system was a true blessing for horny Peons trapped in the CNN Center bubble. It was free, you didn't have to buy anyone a drink in order to chat and it gave you access to nubile employees on multiple floors.

Three cheers for basys, the social enabler of a bygone era...

KING OF COMMENTARY

I got an e-mail alert yesterday that someone had left a comment on a buried post. (The ever popular "Heavens to Murgatroyd" post.) This comment was such classic Peon Confidential fodder (and it was so flattering) that I had to give it the royal treatment by bumping it up to the top. Keep in mind this post had asked people to fess up to long lost crushes:

"There was this SMOKIN HOT chick I used to give rides home to at 4am after our 8p-4a shift. HAA! What up Dutton?
Great Blog. Quick shout out to the VJ class of '96. Probably the most fun I've had in my professional life (if you can call that year professional). And yes, I had a crush...Lynne Russell."

Let's just analyze the beauty of this comment:

1.) It points out that without a drivers license, I was at the mercy of kind souls who would give me a lift home at 4am. As I wrote early on, when there weren't kindly VJs, I relied upon the services of one particular Moroccan cabbie. This worked well until he stopped charging me the cab fare and turned up one morning at CNN Center bearing gifts: a pink muumuu and matching pointy shoes...And a decorative brass plate.

2.) Shout out to the class of '96!

3.) Proof that we were not considered "professionals" but mere peons.

4.) Proof that we all, on poverty level salaries, had a hell of a good time.

5.) Proof of the legendary hotness of Sheriff/Karate expert/Lampshade saleslady/Former Headline News babe Lynne Russell.

Indeed, this Anonymous fellow managed to deliver the pure essence of the peon experience with one concise comment.
I couldn't have done it better.

MURGATROYD MYSTERY SOLVED!

Ladies and gentlemen...an anonymous source has given us scoop! In response to the buried "Heavens to Murgatroyd" post, in which we asked if current Anderson Cooper producer Murgatroyd and former VJ Murgatroyd are the same person, we recently got this:

"From an in-the-know source at CNN in Atlanta, and also a former VJ (Class of 1996, holler) it is the same John Murgatroyd! And, while he is not married, he is popular with the on-air ladies of Headline News."

Now the REAL question is...which on-air ladies of Headline News are we talking about here?
The mind reels at the possibilities.

UNSUBSTANTIATED RUMOR

The other day I got an e-mail from a Peon Confidential reader who reccomended I get a tip box. He offered up this jewel:

"Heard a rumor today from a (NETWORK DELETED) producer about a supposed DEAF INTERN who was asked to run prompter at CNN one day when a VJ didn't show up.
I don't remember that scandal. You ever hear of it?"

I do not recall this one, but I have no trouble believing it. And when you think about it, this intern would have gotten off easy. He wouldn't hear all the bitchy control room people screaming "PROMPTER!" , wouldn't know when the anchor blamed him for the fact that she said "World War Eye Eye" and wouldn't have to scramble if A3 was floating, since he wouldn't be tuned in anyway.

Not such a bad deal, really.

BYE, PAULA

Well, we've all seen this coming. A couple months ago a Peon Confidential reader tipped me off that Campbell Brown was most likely going to replace Paula Zahn at CNN. The day has finally come. Personally, I'm not sad to see her go. She doesn't seem like an unpleasant person, but on the other hand, she didn't do much for ratings. And here's the thing: I've talked to plenty of PR people, producers, writers, graphic designers and other behind the scenes professionals at various networks who take the heat for lackluster ratings. I guess because contracts keep the anchors locked in, these behind the scenes people become targets when the ship is sinking. So they are reprimanded for not getting enough good press, threatened with removal from shows, and sets are rebuilt a couple times until the anchor finally gets a nasty surprise when contract renewal rolls around.

But instead of replacing Paula with Campbell Brown, maybe CNN should consider what a cable news titan once said of Paula Zahn's performance at FNC: "I could have put a dead raccoon on the air this year and got a better rating than last year."

Take note Mr. Klein. A dead raccoon would be a lot cheaper.

MORE READER MAIL

Over the weekend, I received a flattering e-mail from a new Peon Confidential reader with some words of advice:

"Your blog is hilarious...but you should post more gossip about the anchors. What's Anderson Cooper like? Is he as cute in person as he is on TV? What about Rob Marciano? Who's the worst person you've ever worked with? Who's the best?"

Well, dear reader, here's what I know:

-ANDERSON COOPER: Very attractive and polite. I attended a Christmas party for the "360" staff held at Tenjune, which trust me, is a much cooler venue than any other CNNer would come up with. He recently invited his whole staff over for an all day gathering at his Hamptons home. I know you want dirt, but I don't have any. He's a really good guy.

-ROB MARCIANO: Never met him. (Sorry!) Cute though.

-WORST PERSON I'VE EVER WORKED WITH: She was an anchor. She was blond, bitchy, cruel and vain. She was stupid, greedy and had terrible taste in clothes. She made my life miserable and to this day when I think of her I make a face like I've just sniffed gorilla shit. Sound like a bunch of people you know? Well, actually, it is. Take your pick.

-BEST PERSON I'VE EVER WORKED WITH: Bill Hemmer. Sweet, knowledgeable and was incredibly kind to my mom. Sat down and talked with her for twenty minutes and treated her like a queen. In my book, that makes him a superstar.

*ADDED BONUS*
-SMARTEST, COOLEST, LOVELIEST PERSON I'VE EVER WORKED WITH: Ralitsa Vassileva. CNNI anchor. Politically savvy, professional, very personable and a sexy babe too.

Now-
I'm happy to throw these questions out there for other readers to respond anonymously.
Anyone?

MULTI-TASKING AT THE URINAL

A Peon Confidential reader e-mailed me last night with this heartfelt message:

"I thought of your blog on Sunday night at the movies. My friend dragged me to see Fantastic Four. But that's not why I thought of your blog. When that piece of shit was finally over, I went to the bathroom. There was a guy taking a piss at the urinal. He was checking his Blackberry with one hand and holding his dick with the other. Is anyone really that busy?"

In the words of CNN's Nancy Grace, "Thank you, friend." Your thoughtful e-mail underscores something that I've said before and I'll say it again: This type of dangerous multi-tasking has GOT to stop.