Check it, Peons: Your CNN Humiliation Compartmentalized

Tuesday, March 31, 2009


Just when you think all angles of the economic crisis have been covered, what with mistresses bitching about married men taking them to cheap restaurants, married women taking 2nd jobs at strip joints, and ex-businessmen wandering about in panda suits (see below) along comes another sorry bastard tugging at your heartstrings with his tale of economic woe...

PARIS (Reuters) – A French pole vaulting champion has run naked with his pole through the streets of Paris and posted the video on the Internet, hoping to draw attention to his quest for a new sponsorship deal.
Romain Mesnil, who won a silver medal at the 2007 Athletics World Championships in Osaka, used to be sponsored by U.S. sports brand Nike but says his contract expired last year and was not renewed.
Many athletes have reported difficulties obtaining corporate sponsorship as companies cut costs because of the global economic downturn.

And naturally, I found the video for you:

Saturday, March 28, 2009


Apparently, the Sad Panda featured above has been spotted all over Manhattan. He's been known to shuffle about listlessly on Wall Street, in the West Village, and on the subway.
I'm not quite sure why he's so sad. He seems to be getting a bit dirty, so I doubt he's bathing much. Another sign of depression.
But I do know that Sad Panda's propensity for carrying a Duane Reade shopping bag provides evidence for my Duane Reade shopping bag observation.
If you didn't read this piece in the New York Times the first time around, check it out now. This article is New York social studies at it's best...

Wednesday, March 25, 2009


Hello Peons!
I have some truly startling news to deliver today...
HOUSTON (Reuters) – Teen-age boys, are you tired of embarrassing questions about when you last changed underwear? Japan's space scientists may have just the answer -- a line of odour-free underwear and casual clothing.
Koichi Wakata, the first Japanese astronaut to live on the International Space Station, is testing the clothes, called J-ware and created by textile experts at Japan Women's University in Tokyo.
"He can wear his trunks (underwear) more than a week," said Koji Yanagawa, an official with the Japanese Aerospace Exploration Agency.

This is terrifying.
Is this "extended wear underpants" discovery the new Tang?
You know, an appalling product that was specifically designed for astronauts but for some inexplicable reason found it's way into homes across the nation?

I don't even know where to begin on this one.

Monday, March 23, 2009


This video is for a very special Peon.
I should have waited for our CNN anniversary, but it's just too good.
Lots of love to you!

Thursday, March 19, 2009


Beavers in New Jersey could get just a little bit hairier:

TRENTON, N.J. – New Jersey is drawing the line when it comes to bikini waxing.
The state Board of Cosmetology and Hairstyling is moving toward a ban on genital waxing altogether after two women reported being injured in their quest for a smooth bikini line.
Both women were hospitalized for infections following so-called "Brazilian" bikini waxes; one of the women has filed a lawsuit, according to Jeff Lamm, a spokesman for New Jersey's Division of Consumer Affairs, which oversees the cosmetology board.
Technically, genital waxing has never been allowed — only the face, neck, abdomen, legs and arms are permitted — but because bare-it-all "Brazilians" weren't specifically banned, state regulators haven't enforced the law.

"The genital area is not part of the abdomen or legs as some might assume," Lamm said.

Okay. Let's say this ban passes...

What would a police raid on an illegal Brazilian bikini waxing salon look like?
Can you imagine the pubic pandemonium? The shrieking, the spilled wax, the customers with half-bare poon bolting out the door...
Will there be a special police squad for this type of law enforcement?

New Jersey, you've got quite a few issues to sort out before enacting this ban.

Monday, March 16, 2009


I have failed many, many interviews in my lifetime. I literally cannot count the interviews I have botched, mostly because I'm not good at math. (See also: the math quiz for Morgan Stanley that I abandoned after the third question.) I suspect that my behavior has been so jaw-droppingly, head-slappingly embarrassing that I have become an anecdote at recruiter seminars.

As such, when I came across this article about interview mistakes, I took note. Perhaps I could learn something.
Upon reading them, I realized I've made every single mistake on the list. As a Peon Confidential community service in this brutal economic climate, I'm sharing those mistakes with you:

1. Not knowing your aim.
The best example of this would be when I interviewed for a position in Feeds at CNN, a position which consisted of pushing play and record in a dark crevice of the newsroom, and I told them I was suited for this because I spoke French.

2. Being too needy.
Once during an interview, there was a tray of cookies and muffins on the conference table for an upcoming meeting that was scheduled to take place later in the day. I kept glancing at this delicious tray of baked goods with such longing that I practically drooled on myself. My distraction was so great that the interviewer finally snapped, "Those are for managers only."

3. Lousy nonverbal communication.
A prime example: The time the interviewer left the room and returned (she was so quiet--must have been wearing those Easy Spirit pumps) to find me picking my nose. She actually asked, "Are you finished?"

4. Compromising your position.
See above.

5. Falling into the answers-only rut.
I had no idea you were supposed to ask questions. I guess this is why interviewers look at me funny when they finally ask if I have any questions, and I reply, "Nope. Wow! You sure have been thorough. Thanks!"

6. Rambling.
Talking about the Clermont Lounge strip club in Atlanta (including Blondie's patented tit punch maneuver) was in hindsight, not such a great idea.

7. Being overly familiar.
The time I told the interviewer that I had horrible breath and needed a mint was perhaps a tad familiar.

8. Making incorrect assumptions.
Thinking the interviewer would offer me a mint. She did not.

9. Getting emotional.
Perhaps during those failed interviews in which I have both rambled
and became overly familiar in a foreign accent put me over the edge into emotional territory. Especially when I was applying to The State Department for a job as a foreign officer.

10. Not asking specific questions.
Now, here's where I differ. I ask specific questions, just not about the job. I'll ask about the charming photo on the interviewer's desk of his family on a Mexican cruise. I'll ask if they enjoyed Mexico. I'll ask what they ate. I'll ask if they tipped the Mariachi band. But I won't ask about company objectives.

Friday, March 13, 2009


In light of the Jim Cramer/Jon Stewart battle:
Which former CNNer quit Jim Cramer's CNBC show "Mad Money" a few years ago, citing an "ethical dilemma" with Cramer's brand of cheerleading?
Ah, but no one listens to peons...

Monday, March 09, 2009


I'm going to speculate that at least one of the pious women on the above album cover is thinking:

1. "I'm not wearing any panties."

2. "Hurry up and take this picture. I've got a jar of peanut butter and a German Shepherd waiting for me at home."

3. "I'm the pretty one."

4. "Who farted?"

5. "Why the hell did you two bitches have to pull my head out of the oven last Wednesday?"

Friday, March 06, 2009


We're treading into Lou Dobbs territory here on Peon Confidential today...
LONDON (Reuters) – A Mexican national who told airport immigration he was visiting Britain to see a friend was swiftly deported after a search unearthed a good-luck card in his luggage wishing him well for his "new life in the UK."
UK Border Agency officers at Manchester Airport routinely stopped the 40-year-old chef after he arrived on a flight from Los Angeles last Friday.
The man told them he was on a short trip to see a friend who was opening a restaurant in the area.
"However, a search of the passenger's baggage revealed a huge collection of Mexican food recipes and a good-luck card from his church wishing him well for his 'new life in the UK,'" the agency said in a statement.
The man later admitted he had intended to work at the restaurant illegally and had planned to bring his family over from America if he liked it.
He was deported the next day.

Now, I'm not defending illegal immigration. My mom is an immigrant, but she had all the proper paperwork. Plus, she had a lovely collection of sparkly disco pants and mini skirts. That's called immigrating with panache and respect.

But I think in this situation, the immigration officials might have made an exception.
Here's why:
I lived in London for two and a half years.
There was not one decent Mexican restaurant in my neighborhood, or any neighborhood that I stumbled into.
No El Ranchero. No Pancho Villa's. Nada!
And I love Mexican food, so I had to resort to making my own at home. I would buy some crappy, overpriced Old El Paso taco kits from the "specialty" store. I'd fry up beef that may or may not have been infected with Mad Cow disease. (I'm not showing any signs of it yet--fingers crossed.) English friends would come over, sniff my inauthentic feast and say,
"Oh, taah-cohs".
(With the "a" pronounced as in "apple".)
You see how severe this problem is?
England needs some delicious Mexican restaurants. Maybe things have changed since I lived there, but I'm doubtful.
They should have let this Mexican chef into the country. Or at least confiscated his recipes. It might have opened up a whole new culinary world...

Wednesday, March 04, 2009


Are you sitting down?
Because a Peon Confidential spy just sent me the above photograph, thus alerting me to a tragic turn of toilet events.
As the go-to recipient of all your toilet concerns, I was shocked to see that danger is afoot at the Time Warner Center restrooms.

Some rapscallion committed a misdeed so heinous, so destructive, that management had to slap up CAUTION tape over the crime scene.

So listen up all you Colonel Mustards, Miss Scarlets and Professor Plums, the question is...what kind of evil is lurking behind that CNN stall door? And who is responsible?

Possible Suspects and Crimes:

1. Lou Dobbs: Flushing an illegal immigrant down the toilet

2. Anderson Cooper: Using that stall as a closet

3. Nancy Grace: Holding her producer Elizabeth hostage in that stall

4. VJDutton: Haunting that stall like "Moaning Myrtle" from Harry Potter, mourning my dead CNN career

5. Larry King: Hiding in that stall, fearing world domination by Ryan Seacrest

Do you sleuths have any other theories?

Monday, March 02, 2009


Today I am again humbled by the thoughtfulness of our Peon Confidential readers, for I found this photograph of a Time Warner toilet poster waiting for me in my inbox.

To quote CNN's resident justice avenger Nancy Grace, "Thank yeeeeew, friend."

It is more proof that when people see anything fart or toilet related, my face immediately comes to mind.
This is an honor right up there with being the spokesperson for Activia.
Which prompts the question--
Jamie Lee Curtis is married to a lord. She's a successful children's book author. I can't imagine she needs the money.
Why does she shill for that shit? It's a step below Lifetime movies.
And you can't tell me that she's hell bent on spreading the gospel of bowel churning yogurt.

Anyway, what I noticed first about this toilet poster is that it looks remarkably like Communist Propaganda. Compare it to the actual propaganda posters I've added. Note the strong, bold lines, the wrench held like a sickle. The plunger held aloft in worker's unity. The rallying call to arms...

Pasty CNN employees beware. Plumbers of the World Unite! No hand towels in the toilet!