THE ROLLING STONES: EXILE ON MAIN STREET

I think it's pretty fitting that the Rolling Stones 1972 album, "Exile on Main Street" has been re-released now.
We're wallowing in the pop cultural after-effects of the American Idol hype machine, with reality TV rendering the bulk of the populace into fake celebrities. We're realizing that our major food sources are flavored with high fructose corn syrup and it's making us fat and stupid. People pretend to fight for justice but they can't even spell the words correctly on their protest signs.

So damn it, we need this filthy, muddy, messy album to remind us of what honesty sounds like.

This album is authentic and unwieldy. There's no autotune. This is real music with intelligent lyrics. When they recorded it, The Rolling Stones had already gone through their shiny pop star era and were now rich, druggy, debauched and had probably been exposed to every STD known to man. This album reflects that state of malaise. It's a sonic lens flare; gorgeous, hazy and self-indulgent. I bet the recording studio smelled like B.O., pot and just a touch of expensive cologne.

If you've never heard "Exile on Main Street" before, don't you dare just download one song. This is an album, not a collection of singles. Listen to the whole thing. Don't watch TV or get on the computer. Crank it up, turn out the lights and listen. Hear that? That's the sound of rock n' roll louche life.

MOM'S TOP 10 HOUSECLEANING SOUNDTRACK

So-
I was at a discount department store the other day, escaping the heat, caressing angora sweaters, when "He's So Shy" by The Pointer Sisters came over the sound system.

It put me in a trance. I was whisked back to being a kid. Saturday afternoon. Mom's cleaning. I'm helping. She's annoyed because Dad is not. This means she turns up the radio as loud as possible, just to piss him off. One of those stations that plays "The greatest hits of yesterday and today!" You know this station: it's almost impossible to tell the songs of yesterday apart from the songs of today because it's all the same non-threatening sonic slush. But it's still just kicky enough to put a swing in your step while mopping the floor. If you play any of these songs, I can almost hear the vacuum humming and smell the Pine Sol...

1. "Caribbean Queen" by Billy Ocean

2. "Sad Songs (Say So Much)" by Elton John

3. "Conga" by Gloria Estefan

4. "Breakout" by Swingout Sister

5. "I've Had The Time of My Life" by Bill Medley and Jennifer Warnes (The Dirty Dancing soundtrack)

6. "Higher Love" by Steve Winwood

7. "Baby Baby" by Amy Grant

8. "Easy Lover" by Phil Collins

9. "Baby Hold On" by Eddie Money

10. "Young Turks" by Rod Stewart

BONUS: The Pointer Sisters should be in an honorary Housecleaning Soundtrack Hall of Fame because in addition to "He's So Shy", they also provided "Jump (for My Love)" "I'm So Excited" "Automatic" and The Neutron Dance".

Now...do you have any songs to add?

INNERMOST THOUGHTS

I'm going to speculate that at least one of the pious women on the above album cover is thinking:

1. "I'm not wearing any panties."

2. "Hurry up and take this picture. I've got a jar of peanut butter and a German Shepherd waiting for me at home."

3. "I'm the pretty one."

4. "Who farted?"

5. "Why the hell did you two bitches have to pull my head out of the oven last Wednesday?"

SAXOPHONE=PEOPLE DOIN' IT

So there I was on the sofa, watching a little Magnum P.I.
This certainly isn't a rarity at my place. Not sure what it is, but I can't get enough Magnum P.I. This show has it all: Hawaii, intrigue, a Ferrari, women with feathered hair and frosted lips---it's 1980's TV at it's finest.


Anyway, at a certain point, Magnum was about to get laid.
How did I know this?
It wasn't because his already tight OP shorts bulged with a boner.
It wasn't the twitching of his moustache.
It wasn't because Higgins put a "Do Not Disturb" sign on the door.

It was because the saxophone music swelled.

And it got me to thinking:
TV was so much simpler in the 1980's. You heard that saxophone music play and you knew intercourse was about to commence. In fact, that brassy sound was the harbinger of fornication. Moreover, David Sanborn (see above) telegraphed sexual intent on a regular basis.

Now it seems that the saxophone as love makin' audio cue has gone out of fashion.
People just wind up naked and I am totally unprepared for it. I'll look up from a crossword or picking my toes to find tits and tongue all over my TV screen. It's slightly unsettling.

So I say:
With other 80's trends such as skinny jeans and huge belts over t-shirts making a comeback, why not resurrect the saxophone as instrument of sex?

AMERICAN IDOL REVAMP

So-
I'm not an American Idol fan. The last episode I watched featured Kelly Clarkson, so clearly the magic faded a long time ago.
However:
I could be persuaded to tune in again if instead of the same boring old "Motown Night" or "Disco Night" or "Broadway Tunes Night" American Idol offered up some of these intriguing themes...

1. Yoko Ono Night: Imagine an entire hour where each contestant caterwauled like Yoko.

2. Songs Mixed By Music Producers That Madonna Blew Before Getting Her Big Break Night: Not sure which songs we'd hear, but it could be fun.

3. Hidden Masturbation Reference Night: This would include Billy Idol's "Dancing With Myself" Cyndi Lauper's "She Bop" and The Vapors' "I Think I'm Turning Japanese".

which leads me to...

4. Tipper Gore's PMRC Censorship Night: The kids would belt out hits such as Prince's "Darling Nikki" and The Scorpions "Rock You Like A Hurricane".

which ultimately brings me to...

5. Songs About Hookers Night-A Tribute to Fallen Politicians: We'd be entertained by the likes of The Police's "Roxanne" and Patti LaBelle's "Lady Marmalade".

Any others?

BAN THAT SONG!

I just read that Shaun Clancy, the owner of an Irish pub in New York called Foley's, has decided to ban the song "Danny Boy" for the entire month of March. The thinking is that it's a sad song, and not particularly St. Pat's friendly.
Good PR ploy of course, and a nice respite for his regulars.
But it got me to thinking:
What other songs, which have been overplayed in certain situations, should be banned for good in said situations?

Here's what I came up with:

1. No one should ever have to hear The Beach Boys' wince inducing song "Kokomo" or any Jimmy Buffet ditty sung by an acoustic guitar player clad in a Hawaiian shirt at an all-inclusive tropical resort. Part of the all-inclusive experience should include the right to snatch the acoustic guitar and shove it up the singer's ass (wide end first) upon hearing these songs.

2. No wedding DJ should ever subject a wedding party to Abba's "Dancing Queen" or Kool and the Gang's "Celebration" or the BeeGees' "Stayin' Alive". How I fucking hate it when the opening chords of "Stayin' Alive" come over the sound system and the roar of joyous recognition erupts as people start doing the whole finger-pointing up-and-down business with hand on hips. Then they laugh at how hilarious and "ironic" they are. Oh ho ho! Hee! Disco is so funny!

3. Midtown bars need to ban any and all songs which inspire stupid drunk chicks to sing to each other. This irritation is compounded when they sing into their bottles of beer, pretending the bottle is a microphone. I realize this ban might result in a music-free bar. But I don't care. These "Good Time Kaitlyns" and their micro-bottles are an abomination.

4. Any song by U2 at a political rally. Is it just me or does it seem like every politician chooses U2 to appear socially conscious but hip? Actually, I think it's just me. But fuck it. I don't like it.

5. That irritating Gypsy Kings album that I swear has been on rotation at nearly every Mediterranean restaurant in every city since it was first released. Who decided this was great background music in which to enjoy hummus? Did all the Mediterranean restaurant owners get together at some type of tribunal? Even the tiny Mediterranean restaurant on Whidbey Island that I worked after school played it. I cannot understand this. When will it end? A person has the right to enjoy baklava without hearing that shit.

If anyone else wants to step in and offer up a banned music recommendation, feel free...

GROCERY STORE ROCK ANTHEMS

Always on the lookout for the next best thing (yet somehow never making a profit) I've come up with yet another stellar marketing idea: Grocery Store Rock Anthems.

During my years of food shopping experience, I've noticed that there are certain grocery store music staples that never go away. These songs are mellow, non-threatening and presumably help the shopper feel calm yet just a tad... jazzy as they select pork chops and laundry detergent. I'm not sure what types of tests were conducted, but it is astonishing how the same songs are routinely played over and over. These staples include such hits as "Sweet Love" by Anita Baker, "Get Out Of My Dreams" (Get into my Car) by Billy Ocean and anything by Phil Collins.

Admittedly, these songs are also inevitably played at generic midtown diners and low-rent department stores.

Now, while I genuinely dislike the bulk of these songs, there are a few exceptions that I can tolerate. Some I even get excited about. I will be in mid-squeeze of a cantaloupe, mid-inspection of a rump roast and start to grin when I hear them.
Unafraid of the chiding that could ensue, here's a sampling of the songs that get my toes tapping on the grocery store linoleum:

1. "Maggie May" by Rod Stewart
2. "Tempted" by Squeeze
3. "Brass In Pocket" by the Pretenders
4. "Vision of Love" by Mariah Carey
5. Almost anything by Hall and Oates

Grocery Store Rock Anthems of the future:
Anything by Keane, who really are the heir apparent to Christopher Cross.

If you feel like helping me compile the Greatest Hits of Grocery Store Rock, why, feel free. With any luck, this could turn into a Late Night Infomercial!

5 WORST TV THEMES OF ALL TIME

I'd like to begin by promising that you will all get your George Jefferson strut as soon as I can figure out how to work the camera feature on this new fangled computer here.
But until then-
In the last post, I celebrated my winter friend TV. Today, I point out TV's flaws. Unlike Barbra Streisand's "Prince of Tides" manicure, Burt Reynold's circa 1982 mustache or Clay Aiken's heterosexual tendencies, TV is not perfect.
Some theme songs are an abomination. Take these for example:

1. FULL HOUSE
I fucking HATE this show. This was the worst show OF ALL TIME. And yes, I'm including both "She's the Sheriff" And "Cop Rock" when I make this assessment. (And in all honesty, COP ROCK was kind of cool.)
But this anal wart of a show was rancid. Horrible. Horrible. Horrible.
Every episode went something like this:

Uncle Jessie: Michelle, girls can do anything boys can do/You're special/It's okay if you made wee wee in my guitar.
Interchangeable Olsen Twin: (Making Fonzie thumb) You're cool, dude.

Cue laugh/AAAWWWWW track.

2. PERFECT STRANGERS
Cousin Larry?
Yes Balki.
Why does your nose look like a penis?

3. PUNKY BREWSTER
Annoying pussy singer. I'm picturing him living in an apartment with too many ferns. Wow. Ferns are such 80's plants. No one has ferns in their home anymore, do they?

4. ALF
Who decided that smooth jazz=creepy alien puppet?

5. FRIENDS
I always hated this damn song. That clapping bit makes me want to rhythmically fart on all of the actors.

Anyone want to defend these theme songs? Or add to this tragic list?

TOP 5 TV THEMES OF ALL TIME

So-
In the winter months, TV is my friend. TV is right here. I do not have to find a cab in the snow and sleet, battle subway crowds or buy a bottle of wine to present as a hostess gift. TV demands nothing of me.
In celebration of my winter friend, I have compiled my all time favorite TV themes. These are in no particular order:

1. THE JEFFERSONS
I'd also like to point out that I can do a mean George Jefferson walk. Perhaps I will incorporate this into my elf shtick at the Elf Academy.

2. SANFORD AND SON
Pure, sweet 70's wonk.

3. MR. BELVEDERE
Shitty show, brilliant theme song. A favorite of mine when singing in the shower.

4. MAUDE
Now, I rarely actually get to watch this show, as it doesn't appear to be in heavy TV Land rerun rotation. But oh, that Maude with her flowy vests and bitchy liberal diatribes...

5. WONDER WOMAN
Mostly because this tune includes the lyrics "In her satin tights, fightin' for your rights, and the red white and blue--WONDER WOOOMAAAN!"

Bonus: JOSIE AND THE PUSSYCATS


Did I miss any good ones?

GLAM ROCK ALIAS

Today I'd just like to let you all in on a fantastic resource I just found.
It's a Glam Rock Name Generator.
Click on that link (fair warning-the background color will accost your retinas) put in your name and whether you are a Ziggy Stardust or a Femme Fatale and it spits out a name worthy of the sexiest, codpiece-thrusting, eyeshadow-wearing, guitar licking, platform boot-stomping, barely legal groupie-fucking Glam Rock Star around.

I put my name in the generator and they gave me CHARMAINE GOLDENROD. It's perfect. And these names have multiple uses:

-Pet names
-Reservations at stuffy restaurants
-Running for Congress (Imagine the bumperstickers!)
-Prank calls

Which glittery moniker did you get?

UNPLANNED PREGNANCY SOUNDTRACK

So-
I was at the supermarket last night where I saw a very young, (18 years old tops) very pregnant cashier. A bit sad yes, but it got me to thinking:
Which song was playing in the background when her horny, pimply Casanova planted his careless seed?
And as she was not the speediest cashier, I had time to consider this:
Which distinguished songs comprise the all-time greatest "Unplanned Pregnancy Soundtack"? You know, the mellow songs that were moaning from the 8-track player in a shag carpeted 70's van, (complete with a deer and a sunset airbrushed on the side) the "let me lick you up and down" slow-jam music that thumped from a boom box on a cheap K-Mart desk in a dorm, the heartfelt tunes that were blaring from the floor-mounted, fake wood stereo in the rumpus room (while mom and dad were visiting relatives in Wisconsin.)
In short, the sappy, radio-friendly songs that facilitated After School Special type drama.
(By the way-I think I've figured out the exact moment when we become adults. It's the point at which one of your peers tells you "I'm pregnant" and you respond with "Wow! Congratulations!" instead of "Oh shit...what are you going to do?")

For those who are unfamiliar with the Unplanned Pregnancy Soundtrack Phenomenon, I came up with this top ten list of songs for the daring, foolish love-makers who threw caution and condoms to the wind:

1. "Baby What A Big Surprise" by Chicago
2. "I Just Died in Your Arms Tonight" by Cutting Crew
3. "Lovin' Touchin' Squeezin'" by Journey
4. "Babe" by Styx
5. "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" by Poison
6. "The Heat of The Moment" by Asia
7. "I Swear" by All 4 One
8. "To Be With You" by Mr. Big
9. "Lost In Love" by Air Supply
10. "Baby I Love Your Way" by Peter Frampton

There are many, many more. Please feel free to add your favorites...

THE SONIC CONSEQUENCES OF INTOXICATION

Most of us have experienced the embarrassment of drunk dialing. That moment of intoxication when it seems like a brilliant idea to go through your phone book and harass ex-boyfriends, booty call long lost girlfriends, prank call professors and generally abuse this mode of communication in ways Alexander Graham Bell never envisioned...then pass out with your phone in one hand and a beer in the other.

With the age of e-mail, a new threat arrived: drunk e-mailing. This is perhaps worse, because you write horrid, rude, grammatically incorrect shit; telling a friend, relative or co-worker exactly how you feel about their Jamaican vacation, crappy forwarded jokes or ugly kid. You hit "send" with satisfaction...then pass out on the keyboard. When you wake up a few hours later with keyboard indentations on your forehead, you realize the folly of your ways. And there's no way to reverse the epistolary damage. Obviously, drunk texting also falls into this category.

Now, there is yet another drunken minefield:

Drunk Downloading.

While it has not been popularized to the extent that drunk dialing and drunk e-mailing have, it is equally dangerous. I have fallen prey to drunk downloading on many occasions. I will come home from a lovely evening of swilling gin and tonics and decide to get on the computer. I will turn up the i-Tunes. I will start to dance. And by "dance" I mean sway in my chair and wiggle my arms around. Soon I will decide that my music collection is missing something. Yes, I will think, I can no longer drunkenly sway and wiggle in this chair with any degree of satisfaction because I only have a paltry 3,657 songs in my i-Tunes library. And I cannot rest, cannot experience true fulfillment in this chair until the situation is rectified.

In the morning, I am horrified to discover that rectifying the situation somehow involved buying unbelieveably awful music from the i-Tunes store.

If you think I'm exaggerating, consider this:
I woke up on Sunday and found that while drunk downloading I had purchased the following songs:

1.) Right Said Fred's "Too Sexy"
2.) Salt n' Pepa's "I Like to Party"
3.) Naughty By Nature's "O.P.P."
4.) Fergie's "Fergilicious"
5.) Tom Jones' "Sex Bomb"

If that collection of sonic malfeasance isn't enough reason to get my ass next to Lindsay Lohan at A/A, I don't know what is.