Check it, Peons: Your CNN Humiliation Compartmentalized

Friday, December 28, 2007

5 WORST TV THEMES OF ALL TIME


I'd like to begin by promising that you will all get your George Jefferson strut as soon as I can figure out how to work the camera feature on this new fangled computer here.
But until then-
In the last post, I celebrated my winter friend TV. Today, I point out TV's flaws. Unlike Barbra Streisand's "Prince of Tides" manicure, Burt Reynold's circa 1982 mustache or Clay Aiken's heterosexual tendencies, TV is not perfect.
Some theme songs are an abomination. Take these for example:

1. FULL HOUSE
I fucking HATE this show. This was the worst show OF ALL TIME. And yes, I'm including both "She's the Sheriff" And "Cop Rock" when I make this assessment. (And in all honesty, COP ROCK was kind of cool.)
But this anal wart of a show was rancid. Horrible. Horrible. Horrible.
Every episode went something like this:

Uncle Jessie: Michelle, girls can do anything boys can do/You're special/It's okay if you made wee wee in my guitar.
Interchangeable Olsen Twin: (Making Fonzie thumb) You're cool, dude.

Cue laugh/AAAWWWWW track.

2. PERFECT STRANGERS
Cousin Larry?
Yes Balki.
Why does your nose look like a penis?

3. PUNKY BREWSTER
Annoying pussy singer. I'm picturing him living in an apartment with too many ferns. Wow. Ferns are such 80's plants. No one has ferns in their home anymore, do they?

4. ALF
Who decided that smooth jazz=creepy alien puppet?

5. FRIENDS
I always hated this damn song. That clapping bit makes me want to rhythmically fart on all of the actors.

Anyone want to defend these theme songs? Or add to this tragic list?

4 comments:

theme song junkie said...

- Law and Order. I hate this theme song. I mean, I seriously hate it to the point that I have never watched the show. I just can't get through that damn song.

- The Dukes of Hazzard, "Good Ol' Boys." Now, I know a lot of people just looooove this song and the show. Let me explain. It's not necessarily a bad song, per se, but growing up Chicago, I just didn't identify with this song or show whatsoever. It was just too country, too rednecky, too Boss Hogg-y. I couldn't get past the first few seconds of the song, without changing the station to something I could relate to..Bozo the Clown.

- The Golden Girls, "Thank you for Being a Friend." Quite possibly the hokiest song EVER. I liked the show, though. That Sicilian pistol Sophia...she makes me excited to be old and just as sarcastic as I am today.

- Saved by the Bell. I don't know what's worse. That song, or the fact that I know every last fucking word to it. "It's allll right...."

- Charles in Charge. Yes, the tune is catchy. But, the words?? "A new boy in the neighborhood, lives downstairs and it's understood...he's there just to take good care of me....blah blah blah..more gross lyrics...I want Charles in charge of me!" EWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!! I mean, really...who, in their right mind, would hire this cheesy, smarmy college guy, with his (cliche) wacky friend (suprisingly named 'Buddy') to be in charge of "our days and our nights." SICKIES!! Not to mention, that tool Scott Baio was bangin the baywatch hottie (the older sister.) Even more scandalous!

And, P.S. - Sadly, I didn't Google those lyrics. I know the entire song by heart. Now who's the sickie?

P.P.S - More to come, I am sure.

The Dishwasher at The Peach Pit said...

I can't stand the theme to 90210. Lame. Donna and the gang deserved better.

Anonymous said...

Blossom. "In my opinionation, the sun is surely gonna shine."
Opinionation? This show sucked ass.

serm said...

Has anyone mentioned "Dear John"?