Check it, Peons: Your CNN Humiliation Compartmentalized

Wednesday, June 30, 2010


Yesterday, CNN legend Larry King announced that he will stepping down from his perch soon and "hanging up his suspenders". Some of you have either worked for his show in the past or still do. I never did find out the truth behind the "he forced a VJ to pick the peanuts out of his Kung Pao chicken" rumor. But he was a comforting, steady presence on CNN and this rapidly changing world will feel just a bit more unsettled without him.

Here he is, interviewing The Letter W on Sesame Street:

Tuesday, June 29, 2010


It's hot, humid and impossible to think in NYC today, let alone blog about anything too complex.
So instead, I'm offering up a rare, historical treat: Sammy Davis Jr.'s glass eye.
It was on display for several years at The Freakatorium, a.k.a El Museo Loco on the Lower East Side.
The owner, Johnny Fox was a sword swallower who also showcased such wonders as the two headed dog skull and Tom Thumb's vest.

Sadly, the Freakatorium closed down five years ago.

If anyone knows where these curios have been moved to, please let me know. It seems that the freaks in this world are getting harder and harder to find, and these artifacts deserve some love!

Monday, June 21, 2010


Our new "Random NYC Photos" concept is off to a great start!
One of you sent me the above snapshot to add to the collection.
Today I present you with, "THE LONELY SHOE"

I'm not sure what the backstory is here. Did some drunken Cinderella lose it after a night of singing Lady Gaga songs at a karaoke bar? I suspect the odds of her inebriated, Bon Jovi-belting Prince Charming tracking her down are pretty slim.

Or perhaps some firey young woman came home from work early to find her boyfriend and some other woman naked in bed. Enraged, she scoops up this woman's clothes and shoes and throws them out the window shrieking, "Get the fuck out of here, you whore!" This prompts the naked woman to quickly wrap herself in a sheet and run out onto the street, wildly snatching up what she can before hailing a taxi, leaving this shoe behind.

I guess we'll never know...

Friday, June 18, 2010


The time has come! Get down to Parkside Lounge where sensational best-selling author Jackie Collins will kick off this show via skype. Then put on yor safety glasses and rubber gloves because your favorite icons and cultural institutions are getting slaughtered! The Middle Class, Shakespeare, Bono--we're making mincemeat out of 'em. And the venerable NPR is going on trial. Will this esteemed Sacred Cow of radio be slaughtered or spared? Come be in the audience and deliver a verdict.
Plus: You could win a delicious prize during Mama D's Meat raffle!

Where: Parkside Lounge
When: Tonight at 8pm
How Much: $5

See you there!

Thursday, June 17, 2010


It's the dawn of an exciting new era here at Peon Confidential! That's right. We're adding something else to this cyber brew.
I'll be snapping photos of random shit around New York City and accosting you with them on this blog.
Be forewarned-I'm no great photographer. I can't dance either but that won't stop me from making an ass of myself at your wedding.

This will be a photo potpourri. Sometimes the photos will be people, sometimes they'll be inconsequential snapshots of NY life. Don't over think them too much.

This first photo is, "STILL LIFE IN THE LAUNDRY ROOM."

I liked this image because with the multiple Duane Reade drug store bags and proud Bloomingdale's bag standing at attention, you just know it had to take place in NYC...well that and the fact that the laundry room is a filthy shithole.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010


I have a bit of experience in purchasing second hand items. In fact, second hand books are cooler in some ways. You might see that the previous owner underlined certain phrases and wonder what kind of person they were. Of course, you occasionally wonder what that disgusting green glob is on page 152.
Which brings me to this story from the Associated Press:

Woman Received Lungs of a 30-year Smoker

LONDON – The family of a 28-year-old British woman who unknowingly received a lung transplant from a smoker says she would have been "horrified" and have lodged a complaint.
Cystic fibrosis sufferer Lyndsey Scott in February received a double lung transplant from a donor who had smoked for three decades. She died in July of pneumonia.
Britain's top transplant official Chris Rudge defended the decision and said patients should be told they are not getting a "brand new" organ. He said on the BBC that "lungs from a smoker can be working perfectly normally."

Now, I think this transplant official is kind of a prick. Of course this patient knew she wasn't getting a "brand new" organ.
It's not like they stock new lungs at your local Target.
But getting this particular set of lungs is a bit like getting Pamela Anderson's used vagina.

The bottom line is:
If you're getting something used, it's best if it's "gently used", to use a vintage clothing term.
It seems to me there ought to be a Kelley Blue Book for second hand organs.

Friday, June 11, 2010


Apparently, Pork Industry honchos are searching for a new slogan. Sales are stagnant and "The Other White Meat" isn't cutting it anymore. I'd love to sit in on the pork slogan brainstorming sessions. Tell ya what fellas, here are a few ideas I came up with, just off the top of my head:

1. Stab Your Fork Into Some Pork

2. Don't Worry, Swine Flu Doesn't Actually Come From Eating Swine

3. This Little Piggy Got Slaughtered And Wound Up On Your Plate

4. Ham It Up Tonight!

5. We Ain't Fakin'-There's Nothin' Better Than Bacon

Wednesday, June 09, 2010


It occurs to me that people have overlooked some of the lousy messages buried within popular films over the years. Well no more. I'm fed up. It's time to call these classics out, and I'm just the cranky bitch to do it:

1. Forrest Gump: It's better to be naive and ignorant because otherwise you'll get hooked on drugs and die.

2. Pretty Woman: Prostitution is a great way to land a cute, rich guy who buys you lots of expensive stuff.

3. Sixteen Candles: Date rape is totally hilarious!

4. Ratatouille: Rats in the kitchen are adorable!

5. Grease: When you completely change your image and learn to dress like a slut, you get the hot guy and everybody's happy.

6. Dead Poets Society: Pompous, irritating windbags are "inspiring".

7. Patch Adams: Don't be afraid if your doctor is some nutjob wearing a clown nose.

8. Twilight: Pasty stalkers who watch you sleep are "romantic".

9. The Wizard of Oz: If you magically find yourself in a beautiful place with great friends and cool shoes, it's still better to go back to the dusty, dreary shithole you came from.

10. Pretty In Pink: That guy who really loves and understands you, who is sweet, funny and kind? Yeah. Forget him and go for the rich asshole who was too embarrassed to be seen with you.

Have you got one to add? Lay it on us.

Thursday, June 03, 2010


Every year around this time I start the hunt for a Father's Day card suitable for my father. Yes, I have to start this early because it is such a pain in the ass. They're all illustrated with pictures of tools, golf, barbecues or fishing poles (none of which applies to my father.) Worse, they all have sappy inscriptions like,
Dad, you've taught me how to live, share and love. You're the best dad I could ever ask for.

Dad, you're wise and caring. My love for you grows every year. Thanks for always being there for me.

Dad, you're my hero.


And listen, I love my dad. I love him for the person he is, not for who I wanted him to be. It took me a while to figure that out.

So all I want is a card that says, "Well, tried."

Yeah, I could just write it myself. But it would be oddly reassuring to know that someone at Hallmark felt the same way.