Check it, Peons: Your CNN Humiliation Compartmentalized

Friday, November 21, 2008


A peon getting an early start on holiday shopping e-mailed yesterday to let me know what I'm getting for Christmas:

Well, I just cannot wait to get my hands on that book. Note the charming inscription: "Like fine wine and cheeses, the taste of semen is complex and dynamic. Semen is inexpensive to produce and is commonly available in many, if not most, homes and restaurants. Despite all of these positive qualities, semen remains neglected as a food."

We cannot sit idly by as this culinary resource continues to be shunned. I think the first recipe I'll try is the Cumin Rub, or perhaps the simple Tossed Salad.

But I think there are plenty of recipes that appear to have been left out. Maybe even enough for a follow up book.
Here are a few I came up with:

-Jamaican Jerk Chicken

-Beef Stroke-it-off

-Shrimp Cocktail

-Holiday Cum Balls

-Cock Au Vin

*Bonus Submitted by CNN Hard News Cafe Legend, Roz: Turkey Tetrajizzy

Wednesday, November 19, 2008


I am so pissed off with the state of journalism today. Check out this amazing headline from the AP:

Naturally, I'm intrigued. I read further:

PORT ST. LUCIE, Fla. – A man faces a domestic battery charge after allegedly hitting his girlfriend with a sandwich as she was driving on Interstate 95 on Friday. Police said the 19-year-old man became angry and hit the woman in the arm and face with a sandwich, knocking her glasses off.

But I suspect all readers have the same question...which goes unanswered: "Police haven't said what type of sandwich was involved."

DAMN! How can you even release this story without answering that question? If I were the reporter on this story, I would camp out in front of the police station for hours on end, denying myself my afternoon gin and tonic just to get the answer to that question. I would hound that police department! I'd inundate them with endless phone calls--from a nasty, germy, piss scented phone booth if I had to.

I cannot believe this.

That said--if I had to guess, I'd go with a footlong meatball sub; purchased late in the afternoon so the meatballs are all hard and dry from sitting in that metal vat all day...And stale hoagie bread.
That's a key element.
I've seriously cut myself on stale hoagie bread.
You don't want to fuck with brutal baked goods like that.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008


In a couple months, our current Commander in Chief will be unemployed. Now, I've been in this situation many times before. It's no fun. So I'm going to offer up some post-presidential career options for George W. Bush:

1. Establishing a hotline for The Prevention of Pretzel-Related Accidents.

2. Running a cheerleading camp for boys who want to follow in his spirited Yale footsteps.

3. Manufacturing a line of W codpieces inspired by the "Mission Accomplished" photo op from 2003. (See above)

4. Managing a Brush Clearing Service.

5. Creating an on-line nickname generator for future Cabinet members and Presidential pals.

6. Taxidermist.

7. Sweeping up Laura's cigarette butts from the back patio.

8. Designing a line of inspirational sweatshirts with some of his patented quotes such as, "Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream."

9. Taking creepy photos of babies wrapped up in foliage, ala Anne Geddes.

10. Going back to drinking in the afternoons.

Any other ideas? Our lame duck President is waiting.

Saturday, November 15, 2008


Across the country today, people will be taking to the streets to stand up for equal rights:
We will be demanding respect for all families, respect for all citizens, and respect for love.
As you can see from these gorgeous photos of two activists in Chicago, we're energized, organized and ready to shout.

I hope to see you out there too!

Thursday, November 13, 2008


A Peon Confidential spy just forwarded me an internal CNN memo:

There have been a number of incidents involving vandalism in some of our restrooms, including clogging toilets with hand towels to kicking in doors and removing screws to remove doors off hinges.

This has become a serious problem over the past few months and we have notified Security and they are investigating. If you have questions or concerns, please feel free to contact Security directly...

Any guesses on who this toilet bully is? I've got my money on Ali Velshi.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008


Don't fuck with these parishioners:

JENSEN BEACH, Fla. – Police arrested a Connecticut man after he tried to steal communion wafers during a church service. The Martin County Sheriff's Office said 33-year-old John Samuel Ricci, of Canton, was cornered by fellow churchgoers when he grabbed a handful of wafers from the priest during communion services Saturday.
The Stuart News reported that Ricci was being held down by six or seven offended parishioners when deputies arrived at St. Martin de Porres Catholic Church in Jensen Beach. Police say two parishioners, ages 82 and 61, received minor injuries in the scuffle.
Ricci was charged with two counts of simple battery, theft and disruption of a religious assembly. He was being held Tuesday on $2,000 bond at the Martin County Jail.

The man was probably just hungry. As you can see from the photo, he doesn't look particularly well nourished. (Or groomed for that matter.) I love that he was "cornered" by fellow churchgoers, as he was clutching excess amounts of the body of Christ. I'm picturing an ornery gaggle of women in floral dresses and pantyhose, their thighs rubbing together and making that "whisp whisp" noise. And as they held him down he was probably suffocated by clouds of Elizabeth Arden perfume and pious outrage.

I'm assuming this guy didn't know that these wafers aren't a taste sensation. I learned this early on, which prompted me to ask why communion wafers didn't come in nacho cheese or barbeque flavor.

I never got an answer, just a stern look.

Friday, November 07, 2008


Now that the election is over, I can get back to writing about useless shit...
I thoroughly enjoyed being Hunter S. Thompson for Halloween. But in hindsight, I may have taken the gonzo shenanigans too far. Questionable behavior included:

1. Getting very drunk and arguing with The Phantom of the Opera and Scooby Doo.
2. Grabbing my rather shy friend's right boob and shouting, "Nice knockers!"
3. Repeatedly flipping off a nice suburban woman who was trying to snap a photo of a nice pregnant woman.

The list goes on.
And on.
Maybe next year I'll avoid temptation and dress up as a more sedate writer. I can't imagine achieving this level of embarrassment if I were impersonating a Bronte sister.

Okay. I could probably find a way, but it would be tough.

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

NOVEMBER 5th, 2008

Now that's what I call a beautiful First Family.