Check it, Peons: Your CNN Humiliation Compartmentalized

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

VERBOTEN AIRPLANE ATTIRE


While at work yesterday, I stumbled across this rather inane article:

WHAT NOT TO WEAR ON A PLANE

I can tell you I have repeatedly ignored at least three of those recommendations.
Flying is bad enough (what with the lack of food) and you're denying me my heels too?
No.
Now, I understand that if I have to go down that rubber slide the shoes come off-but I'll take that risk before arriving in London or Cairo looking like the dwarf that I am sans heels.

So, I came up with my own inane list:

TOP TEN THINGS PASSENGERS SHOULD NOT WEAR ON A PLANE

1. Spandex pants.
I should probably amend this category to include any item of clothing which: a.) does not disguise a boner and b.) encourages camel toe. The reasoning here is that both visible genital protrusions are quite obtrusive to fellow passengers.

2. A sombrero.

3. Leather pants.
These are probably uncomfortable on long flights and make weird farty noises on the leather seats, if you are flying 1st class. (This is not an issue for me, of course.)

4. A clown suit.
Cliched as this sounds, statistics prove that 99% of the polulace fears clowns. The other 1% are assholes, and not worthy of consideration.

5. One of those circa-1990 Madonna cone bras.

6. A toupe.
No reason here except that should the plane go down, your toupe makes your death just a tad undignified.

7. KISS boots.
Really, it's not so easy to go through security in thigh high studded platform boots.

8. Some stupid t-shirt with a stupid phrase on it such as "I HEART TO FART"
If I am sitting next to you on a flight to Bogota, I will be forced to read and reread that phrase for several hours. Have some respect for your fellow passengers.

9. Pantyhose.
Trans-Atlantic flight+pantyhose=rank cooch

10. Yesterday's underpants.

Did I miss anything?

Monday, April 28, 2008

LANA SHIELDS: GODMOTHER OF ALL COUGARS




So-
I was watching a little Three's Company yesterday, since it was a rainy Sunday and...what?
Oh please. I don't have to explain anything to you people.
Anyway, I was struck by a profound notion:
Lana Shields, the over-sexed, on-the-prowl divorcee who moved into the gang's Santa Monica building during the 1979 season was perhaps first cougar ever depicted on the small screen.
Actress Ann Wedgeworth played her as a sultry minx whose attempts to ensnare Jack in her web of ripe sexuality were routinely thwarted by the bumbling Ralph Furley.

I say Jack missed out.

Lana would probably know just how to please him as they rolled around on that multi-brown/beige/orange sofa. And while Jack's souffle burned in the kitchen, things would be gettin' even hotter in the living room as they knocked over each and every one of Janet's plants and that hideous wicker table.

Friday, April 25, 2008

IN MEMORIAM


One of our beloved Peon Confidential readers passed along this bleak missive today.
In compliance with our policy of anonymity, I have removed her name. Nonetheless, the grief can be shared by fellow Peons who have a shred of compassion in their hearts...



It's with great sadness that I deliver the news that my sweet Hymie is no longer with us. I wish that I could say he, maybe she, passed peacefully, but it appears that Hymie got stuck between a rock and a tank and couldn't get loose.

Hymie is survived by his sister/brother/maybe lover Toots and its guilt-ridden mother, who instead of wishing her babies a good morning, would simply say, "you need to die by end of April because Mommy needs the outlet to plug in her A/C, not your filter." If nothing else, Hymie was obedient.

Hymie was also an outgoing turtle, with an appetite for adventure and Repto-Min (turtle food), who grew to twice the size of Toots! Perhaps that's why a) he/she got stuck or b) perhaps Toots finally had enough and murdered her nemesis.

God speed Hymie "da Hym" (LAST NAME REMOVED).
You'll be missed, briefly.

Hymie
August 2007 - April 2008

Thursday, April 24, 2008

PENIS THEFT PANIC HITS CITY


I'd really like to take credit for that title, but it is a direct headline from Reuters. I was drawn to it like the sweet, elastic-waistbanded fat lady in Human Resources is drawn to cute holiday decorations for her desk... and Girl Scout cookies.

Read on:

KINSHASA (Reuters) - Police in Congo have arrested 13 suspected sorcerers accused of using black magic to steal or shrink men's penises after a wave of panic and attempted lynchings triggered by the alleged witchcraft.
Reports of so-called penis snatching are not uncommon in West Africa, where belief in traditional religions and witchcraft remains widespread, and where ritual killings to obtain blood or body parts still occur.

Rumors of penis theft began circulating last week in Kinshasa, Democratic Republic of Congo's sprawling capital of some 8 million inhabitants. They quickly dominated radio call-in shows, with listeners advised to beware of fellow passengers in communal taxis wearing gold rings.
Purported victims, 14 of whom were also detained by police, claimed that sorcerers simply touched them to make their genitals shrink or disappear, in what some residents said was an attempt to extort cash with the promise of a cure.

"You just have to be accused of that, and people come after you. We've had a number of attempted lynchings. ... You see them covered in marks after being beaten," Kinshasa's police chief, Jean-Dieudonne Oleko, told Reuters on Tuesday.

Police arrested the accused sorcerers and their victims in an effort to avoid the sort of bloodshed seen in Ghana a decade ago, when 12 suspected penis snatchers were beaten to death by angry mobs. The 27 men have since been released.

"I'm tempted to say it's one huge joke," Oleko said. "But when you try to tell the victims that their penises are still there, they tell you that it's become tiny or that they've become impotent. To that I tell them, 'How do you know if you haven't gone home and tried it'," he said.

Some Kinshasa residents accuse a separatist sect from nearby Bas-Congo province of being behind the witchcraft in revenge for a recent government crackdown on its members.

"It's real. Just yesterday here, there was a man who was a victim. We saw. What was left was tiny," said 29-year-old Alain Kalala, who sells phone credits near a Kinshasa police station.


This is the greatest piece of journalism ever.
A few thoughts:

1. What a perfect excuse if you have a small dick.
Picture it...
You take a fine lady home for some fornication. She looks disappointed when you get naked. All you do is act wistful and whisper, "I used to have a big, throbbing member (pause for dramatic effect) until that ruthless penis snatcher accosted me one night."
Jackpot!
Bingo!
She feels sorry for your mini-weenie status and you get the best mercy fuck of your life.

2. "12 suspected penis snatchers were beaten to death by angry mobs."
(Should we assume that these angry mobs consisted entirely of penis-less marauders?)

3. Can you imagine the Neighborhood Watch program for this crime?

4. "[Rumors of penis snatching] quickly dominated radio call-in shows, with listeners advised to beware of fellow passengers in communal taxis wearing gold rings."
(I might even consider learning to drive if my work commute involved talk radio like this.)

5. I'm pleased that the reporter also chose to tell us that Alain Kalala sells phone credits near the police station.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

MASTURBATION IS GOOD FOR YOU!


Men, don't listen to your priests...at least about masturbation anyway. Turns out it's good for you!
The BBC recently reported that, "Frequent masturbation may help men cut their risk of contracting prostate cancer, according to Australian researchers."

So don't worry about hairy palms or eternal damnation--start slapping that sausage around.
As for you women, you might as well get in on the action too. No health benefits to diddling with yourself that I can see, but name me one other activity that:

A. Has no cover charge
B. Is pleasurable
C. Can be done while watching TV Land reruns of The Love Boat. (Although I actually wouldn't recommend that. I've tried it and can't seem to sustain interest in myself. Who can concentrate on cooch when there's a galaxy of 1980' s superstars like Patrick Duffy, Donna Mills and Loni Anderson?)

Thursday, April 10, 2008

SEXUAL EUPHEMISMS: THE DEFINITIVE LIST


Last night I was out with a former CNNer. We were at my favorite Italian restaurant in the neighborhood. I expect you're thinking, "Ah, VjDutton's local Italian restaurant in New York. This establishment must have delightful truffle-infused duck sausage ravioli, understated yet sumptuous decor, opera music at just the right volume and charming waiters direct from Rome."
Well, no.
This red sauce joint is better than that. There are dusty fake plants and colored Christmas lights lining the place, iceberg lettuce salads with gloopy dressing, neon green garlic bread, seven different types of lasagne and...they play the radio over the sound system. As a bonus-- the waiter sings along in his falsetto voice. Debbie Gibson never sounded so good.

The point is, this is how we wound up listening to some Grocery Store Rock staples, one of which has the glorious line:
"I know forever we'll be doin' it, doin' it, doin' it."

So then we decided to name all the euphemisms for sex that we could. Here's what we came up with:

1. The Horizontal Mambo
2. Gettin' Busy
3. Knockin' Boots
4. Hot Beef Injection
5. Makin' the Two-Backed Beast
6. Tipping the Velvet (just learned this one recently)
7. Bumping Uglies
8. Doin' it

Well, then the food came and I tore into my pasta, splattering red sauce all over myself and literally setting my napkin on fire.
So now I need your help. You know what a cunning linguist I am. Let's make the definitive list.

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

BOTTOMS UP!


I've noticed certain news outlets can't to get enough of this trashy story out of Lakeland, Florida about the gang of teenage girls who beat up on another teen. They claim she taunted them on MySpace. But beating her into a concussion wasn't enough for these Bright Young Things. In keeping with these fame-obsessed times, they sensed that internet glory was ripe for the grabbing. So they recorded this watershed moment in their lives so it could be posted on YouTube.

As a person who works in the news industry, I have to say...this story has all the elements of cable news gold:

1. Nubile youths.
2. Recorded violence to play and replay on every show from morning until night.
3. The potential for producers to exploit guests who will cluck their tongues and shake their fists about this degenerate world we live in.

But the most important factor to me is:

4. One of the kids who was arrested is named Brittini.

BRITTINI.
BRITTINI!

If I owned a bar, I'd get to work on creating that drink ASAP. I realize flavored martinis are about as cool as last year's faux hawk. But that seems appropriate here. And instead of vodka or gin, the Brittini would be a lethal mix of:

-Red Bull
-one part Malibu rum
-a spritz of wine cooler
-a drop of Jagermeister
-a jigger of peach Schnapps.

NOTE: To truly enjoy this drink, it is important to wear your sexiest Juicy Couture velour track suit and carry your best knock off Coach bag.

Monday, April 07, 2008

ALTERNATE USES FOR SARAN WRAP


So-
The previous post about the hotness of the Land O' Lakes lady inspired much conversation amongst assorted cohorts. I won't bore you with connecting the dots, but this particular subject somehow brought us to the topic of spooging on a woman's face.
A pal of mine admitted that he once asked his girlfriend if he could express his love for her in this exuberant fashion. She refused. He begged. She refused. He begged. Finally she capitulated. However, there was a caveat: he could cum on her face, provided he put a sheet of Saran Wrap over her pretty mug.
He agreed. And yes, he enjoyed himself.
And there was no muss, no fuss.
Easy clean up for everyone involved.
Now-
My question is this:
Does the Saran Wrap company know that their product is being used for other things besides wrapping up leftover tuna casserole?
I mean, I recently found out that resourceful guys in the 1950's used Saran Wrap for make-shift condoms.
Then I found out that some people who are into watersports and "scat" also use this reliable household product.
And it got me to thinkin':
Is there a way the Saran Wrap company could capitalize on this? Advertising on porno sites and such? Hiring Ron Jeremy as their spokesperson?
I mean, people don't cook at home as much anymore, let alone wrap up leftovers.
The Saran Wrap company big shots might want to consider their options...

Thursday, April 03, 2008

LEADERSHIP SHOES


So-
I'm not a huge fan of polls. I once had to help conduct a poll for Political Science class. I was so uncomfortable with bothering strangers at home that after my third cold call I just started making up names like "Eunice Smiley" and gave them all intriguing answers such as,
"I hate all them thievin' politicians. I think we should cut their balls off and feed 'em to the wolves."

I can only hope that whomever was helping to conduct the following poll did something similar. Because if these results are true, I'm screwed:

NEW YORK (Reuters) - Got a passion for buying sneakers? It could be a good sign, with a poll finding that people who buy three pairs of sneakers or more a year are far more likely to be a leadership type than other people.
Mindset Media, a media company that examines personality traits of different consumers, found that people who buy more than three pairs of sneakers a year are 61 percent more likely to have the qualities of a modern leader. These qualities were defined as having ideas and vision, and a style with others that is both inclusive and decisive.


What does it mean if you've bought one pair of sneakers in the last three years? And I didn't even buy them. My boyfriend was horrified by the previous pair I'd purchased from K-Mart in about 1998. So he inflicted new sneakers on me.

And what does it mean that I am 100 percent more likely to buy three pairs of shoes per year like those in the above picture?

I'm doomed...
Doomed to work the window at Wendy's while wearing ridiculous shoes.

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

BLIND ITEM #11


A Peon Confidential reader sent in this juicy nugget from Blind Item Rehash:

"WHAT top cable news executive is repeatedly cheating on his wife with younger women? He even recently made a play for one of his on-air babes."

This item originally came from The New York Post. As any devoted reader knows, The New York Post (owned by News Corp, parent company to Fox News Channel) seems to delight in stirring up shit about CNN. Which is why I'm guessing CNN for the cable news element of the item...but who is the executive? And who is the on-air babe?