Check it, Peons: Your CNN Humiliation Compartmentalized

Thursday, April 10, 2008


Last night I was out with a former CNNer. We were at my favorite Italian restaurant in the neighborhood. I expect you're thinking, "Ah, VjDutton's local Italian restaurant in New York. This establishment must have delightful truffle-infused duck sausage ravioli, understated yet sumptuous decor, opera music at just the right volume and charming waiters direct from Rome."
Well, no.
This red sauce joint is better than that. There are dusty fake plants and colored Christmas lights lining the place, iceberg lettuce salads with gloopy dressing, neon green garlic bread, seven different types of lasagne and...they play the radio over the sound system. As a bonus-- the waiter sings along in his falsetto voice. Debbie Gibson never sounded so good.

The point is, this is how we wound up listening to some Grocery Store Rock staples, one of which has the glorious line:
"I know forever we'll be doin' it, doin' it, doin' it."

So then we decided to name all the euphemisms for sex that we could. Here's what we came up with:

1. The Horizontal Mambo
2. Gettin' Busy
3. Knockin' Boots
4. Hot Beef Injection
5. Makin' the Two-Backed Beast
6. Tipping the Velvet (just learned this one recently)
7. Bumping Uglies
8. Doin' it

Well, then the food came and I tore into my pasta, splattering red sauce all over myself and literally setting my napkin on fire.
So now I need your help. You know what a cunning linguist I am. Let's make the definitive list.


DF said...

"The Horizontal Bop" was quoted to me by the father of one of my high school friends. He was dating a girl that was taller than him and he said to us, "Boys, height doesn't matter when you're doing the horizontal bop."

To that list, I add:
"Tapping that ass"
"Porking" (I grew up in the South)
"Riding the balogna pony"
"Heat Seeking Moisture Missle"
"Making Baby Batter"
"Hittin'" or "Hit that," as in, "Are you hitting that?" "You bet I hit that ass."

Alex said...

A bit of the old in and out.

Bret Michaels said...

Uh ... Unskinny Bob? I'd tell you more, but I have to go get my wig groomed. Oh -- Wig Grooming (foreplay).

Kenny Loggins said...

Sweet love showin' us a heavenly light
I've never seen such a beautiful sight
Sweet love flowin' on us every night
I know forever we'll be doing it, doing it, doing it

Awesome Grocery Store Rock song!

Anonymous said...

1. ballin'
2. makin' it

a former audio-spud said...

vjdutton, I'm sure you remember "The Kimmer" on the dorky 640, WGST. His favourite euphemism: The ol'Bachongada-chongada!