Check it, Peons: Your CNN Humiliation Compartmentalized

Thursday, January 29, 2009


Today is Tom Selleck's birthday! All the best to you Tom, thanks for making this world a better, more mustachioied place. It's also a perfect day to celebrate one of the greatest shows of all time, Magnum P.I. Those of you who know me know that Magnum P.I. is on constant rotation at my place. But I'm not going to focus on the important elements of the show (such as the legendary mustache.) No, I'd like to point out the little details that make this show a classic:

1. The rubber chicken

2. TC's rainbow suspenders, occasionally worn without a shirt

3. Rick's contrast collared shirts, occasionally unbuttoned to display gold chains

4. The brown and orange Island Hoppers color scheme

5. Magnum's big brass bed

6. Magnum's crazy tight OP shorts, which never cease to catch me off guard when I look up from ironing or writing or brushing my teeth.

7. The fact that they reused the estate location (and countless actors) from Hawaii Five-0

8. The blue eyeshadow, feathered hair and nude pantyhose sported by the sexy ladies--even on Waikiki Beach

9. Higgins' comb over

10. Agatha's huge glasses, behind which she gave Higgins' comb over many lustful glances

Sunday, January 25, 2009


Fresh off the presses, hotter than's the Spurned Lovers flier.
If the flier is this great, you know you don't want to miss the show...

(Click to enlarge. Be grateful for that privilege. In a couple hours time, the bride in this photo will be wishing the same were true of her husband's cock.)

Friday, January 23, 2009


I think the time is right to resurrect the 1980's khaki jumpsuit, as modeled by my mom in the above photo. Look how happy that jumpsuit is making her.
Who's with me on this?

Wednesday, January 21, 2009


The next Mama D's Arts Bordello is just under a month away! The theme is "Spurned Lovers" and the talented Daniel Figueroa created this superb promo to peak your interest...

Friday, January 16, 2009


As always, I am ignoring the big picture today and focusing on shit:

BANGKOK, Thailand – A count of elephant dung revealed a surprisingly large endangered elephant population — more than 600 — in Malaysia's biggest national park, researchers said Thursday.
The number of endangered Asian elephants had always been a mystery as researchers tried to visually count every one of the frequently shifting crowd in the dense jungle.
But the new method of counting dung piles came up with an estimate of 631 animals living in Taman Negara National Park, the New York-based Wildlife Conservation Society and Malaysia Department of Wildlife and National Parks said.

Now, this is good news, if it's true. I love elephants and am glad to know that they are livin' large in Malaysia.
But, I am concerned about this new dung counting method of population assessment:

How do they know that each pile of dung is from a different elephant? What if one elephant just had an upset stomach (say he drank too many margaritas) and they counted his dung piles as the work of three elephants?
I mean, not to get too graphic, but...I suspect there have been times where a VJDutton dung count would be way off, if this method was employed. Dung tabulators would assume there were at least 5 VJDuttons roaming around Manhattan.


Isn't freedom of the press great? I mean, aren't you glad you live in a country where this blog isn't censored? Wouldn't it be a travesty if you hadn't read this blog today?

Tuesday, January 13, 2009


Color me bewildered:

GREENFIELD, Calif. – Police have arrested a Greenfield man for allegedly arranging to sell his 14-year-old daughter into marriage in exchange for $16,000, 100 cases of beer and several cases of meat.

Several cases of meat. Was it rump roast, chuck roast, brisket, or prime rib? And why stop there when bartering away your daughter's life? If you're going to ask for several cases of meat, why not ask for:

1. A crate of Fruit of the Loom sweat socks

2. 12 boxes of ShamWows

3. A year's supply of Ore-Ida TaterTots

4. A truckload of Tucks hemorrhoid pads

5. Several Drakkar Noir gift sets from J.C. Penney

Friday, January 09, 2009


We have an enterprising boozer with a commitment to the cause that we're celebrating here on Peon Confidential today:

BILLINGS, Mont. – A school bus driver made an unscheduled stop at a liquor store, then allegedly asked a student to help hide her purchases when police stopped her, the district superintendent said. It does not appear the driver had been drinking, Billings Public Schools Superintendent Jack Copps said. No charges had been filed but the driver quit her job this week.

This woman was not about to go without her booze, and used any means necessary to ensure she got it.
I appreciate her tenacity and resourcefulness. She makes other boozers seem lazy in comparison.

But it got me to thinking of other creative ways to transport booze in a pinch:

1. By mule/camel/shetland pony

2. Tucked inside Phillip Seymore Hoffman's ass

3. On a Zamboni

4. Strapped to Celine Dion

5. Pulled by a tribe of pygmies

6. In a rickshaw driven by Regis Philbin

7. In a Miata driven by Richard Simmons

8. On Tootie's roller skates

9. In a Frito-Lay van hijacked by Chad Lowe

10. On The Great Space Coaster

Any others?

Wednesday, January 07, 2009


Just woke up in my footie pjs, ate some leftover Chicken parm, popped a few aspirin to stave off a hangover and found this delightful story:

SYDNEY (Reuters) – An Australian man broke into three adult shops, had sex with blow up dolls named "Jungle Jane" and then dumped his plastic conquests in a nearby alley, local media reported Wednesday.
"It's totally bizarre. It's a real concern that someone like that is out on the street," said one of the owners of the adult sex shops.

Now, what makes "Jungle Jane" so special? You'd think he'd want a little variety. If he's going to all that effort, breaking the law just to stick his weenie in an inanimate object, you'd think he'd give some other sex dolls a test drive. Surely they are worthy of his attentions too. What about:

1. Catheter Cathy

2. Truck Stop Trish

3. Pittsburgh Polly

4. Port-a-Potty Pam

5. Food Court Fran

The list of missed opportunities must be keeping this bandit awake at night...