Check it, Peons: Your CNN Humiliation Compartmentalized

Thursday, December 31, 2009

CNN FLASHBACK


This one's for special, long-time reader we'll call Serm:

Picture it, CNNI Master Control. 1999. A hapless, hungry employee comes back from a disappointing expedition to the atrium to rustle up some vittles.
Employee #1 says incredulously: "I can't believe it. Arby's ran out of roast beef!"
To which Employee #2 says in a stupid, nasally voice: "Arby's ran out of roast beef? Why, that's like CNN runnin' outta news!"

And thus, an endlessly repeated techie catch phrase was born.

Happy New Year everyone!

Monday, December 28, 2009

MORE PROOF OF TRUTH IN CLICHES


Surely you've all heard the cliche, "One man's trash is another man's treasure."
Well, I was just reading through some of the top odd news stories of 2009 when I came across this:
A British academic who spent seven years collecting the dung of rare lizards in the Philippines was devastated when a clean-up team threw it out of his laboratory with the trash. "To some people it might have been just lizard shit... but to me it represented years of painstaking work," he said.

You see that? Cliches really are rooted in reality.
Now if I could just find concrete evidence of someone actually blowing smoke up another person's ass, I'd be happy.

Friday, December 25, 2009

REAL NEW YORK APARTMENT #5: THE HOLIDAY EDITION!


Incredible Real Estate Opportunity: just in time for Christmas!
Spacious snow hut in the middle of Manhattan's beautiful Dag Hammarskjold Plaza.
Unique floor plan, close to public transportation. Pet friendly.
NO FEE! RENT FREE!
Hurry! This offer won't last...

Merry Christmas everyone!

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

CHOICE NUGGETS OF WISDOM FROM MOM


Since Christmas is almost here, I'm giving you Peon Confidential readers a lovely gift...
Those of you who know me are aware that my mom is a crazy Finnish woman. She came to North America with 217 bucks in her back pocket, speaking three words of English. Over the years, she's managed to explore both her adopted home and the English language in fascinating ways. This woman doles out advice and opinions with a special flair.
I'm sharing some of her greatest hits with you today:

1. ON GROCERY SHOPPING: I don't understand people who buy those big cans of things in bulk. Why do they do it? A gallon of cling peaches is such a big commitment.

2. ON AIRPLANES: I hate that airplane smell. You know what that smell is? I tell you. People fart on the plane and it goes into the ventilator system and zooms around and around. It has no place to go! It's trapped. The whole flight people are smelling the same fart. So that's what airplane smell is: recycled fart.

3. ON GETTING ME MY FIRST BRA: (Giving my 12-year-old, unicorn t-shirted chest a stern once over) Yeeech. Saara, you've got the little fat man titties. We're getting you a bra.

4. ON SEX: Hey Saara. Come here. Sit down. You know about the penis? You know about the vagina? You know about the penis going into the vagina? Well, don't do it. It is so boring.

5. TO MY FATHER'S FRIEND WHO TRIED TO GET HIM TO INVEST IN A PYRAMID SCHEME: You touch my savings, I slit your throat!

6. TO A WOMAN AT A PARTY WITH EXTREMELY LONG FAKE NAILS: How do you wipe yourself with those things?

7. TO MY FATHER AFTER HE PULLED HER AWAY FROM THE WOMAN WITH EXTREMELY LONG FAKE NAILS: Don't eat that casserole. I think she brought it.

8. ON THE NEIGHBOR: She's a loosey. What? Okay fine. Floozy, Loosey. I don't care what the English word is! She spread her legs for a fat man.

9. ON THE LOCAL SHERIF: He has a herpes. What? No a hair-peez! You know, a wig. Looks like shit too.

10. ON THE SMELL OF A CERTAIN CAFE IN ATLANTA: (Sniffing loudly) This place...This place...it stinks like unwashed vagina.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

TOP 10 WORST SCRATCH N' SNIFF STICKER SCENTS


Don't ask why, but I went down a winding path of nostalgia yesterday that wound up at Scratch n' Sniff stickers.
Then I found the above photo. It surprised me. Because I don't recall them making Scratch n' Sniff stickers scented like crabs, footballs and smelly sneakers. Must have blocked that out.
So-
In case these stickers are revived for a new generation, might I suggest the top 10 worst potential scents for Scratch n' Sniff stickers. Avoid these aromas at all costs:

1. Any communal phone in any newsroom. No amount of antiseptic wipes can knock out that nasty funk.

2. Rolling Stone Keith Richards' morning breath

3. A fart on an airplane

4. Microwaved tuna

5. The hallway in my building on a Thursday night. Some neighbor has decided that's the night to explore culinary treats plagued with waaaaay too many onions.

6. Port Authority, NYC

7. The third bathroom stall at my gym

8. An Irish pub just after last call and the lights come on

9. CNN's Hard News Cafe Brunswick Stew

10. Flop sweat during the 3rd hour of the Academy Awards broadcast. It has to smell in the Kodak Theatre at that point, right? With a roomful of losers? (Yeah yeah, it's an honor just to be nominated...)

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

AN ENVIRONMENTALLY FRIENDLY ORGASM


Have I got news for you today!
I'd like to preface this post by telling you that I try to do my part for the environment.
I recycle my bottles, cans and newspapers. I re-use the plastic containers from my take-out meals. I use the subway.
But I am deeply excited to take it to the next level...

An Irish company has created the world's first green vibrator!
DUBLIN (AFP) – When world leaders in Copenhagen argue for days in knife-edge talks to save the planet, what more fitting way to relieve the tension than an environmentally-friendly vibrator?
The global sex toy industry is worth an annual 15 billion dollars (22 billion euros), and uses up a mountain of batteries in the process, many of which end up as toxic waste.
But now one Irish company reckons they've got the solution to shake up the market: a vibrator they are calling the world's first-ever "green technology sex toy".
The Earth Angel, described as "eight inches (20 centimetres) with a sleek white finish", is a wind-up vibrator which comes with a handle built into the bottom.
"You just flip out the handle, grab a hold of it there, and you just wind it," said Janice O'Connor, the co-founder with her husband Chris, of Caden Enterprises which makes the gadget.
"So for four minutes of doing that, you should generate enough power to give you 30 minutes of full-on, right-to-the top vibrations," she told AFP.
She added: "I've only used it a couple of times, and it's fantastic. It's very intense, and sometimes, at the top level, depending on the person that's using it, it can actually be too intense sometimes.
"That's why we have four different levels on it."
The vibrator is made of 100 percent recyclable materials and the couple hope it will encourage sex toy fans around the globe to do their bit for the environment.

Three cheers for mother earth and good vibrations.

Monday, December 14, 2009

5 NEW YORK SKILLS I'VE NEVER MASTERED



Despite having lived in New York since 2001, I continually fail in all these areas:

1. Walking briskly while drinking a cup of coffee and not spilling it all over myself. Not once have I ever achieved this feat. Yet I keep trying.

2. Hailing a cab with efficiency in the pissing down rain. I'm always completely drenched and annoyed by the time I've managed to score one.

3. Swiping my Metrocard and getting though the turnstile on the first try.

4. Coming up with an appropriate response to, "Hey Blondie" or "Yo Shawty" or "Hola Mamacita" or "I like your shoes. Are you Puerto Rican?"

5. Not being seated at the shitty table by the kitchen/bathroom/bussing station at a chic restaurant.

Not sure how I survive in this town, really.

Friday, December 11, 2009

THE FRAUDULENT DECADE


As we reach the bitter embers of this tumultuous decade, no two figures embody it better than White House gatecrashers Tareq and Michaele Salahi. They mirror everything we became in this decade: greedy, fame-hungry frauds. It’s the “fake it till you make it” adage personified. Even in an era where the internet makes it easier than ever to double check backgrounds, facts and figures, this attractive couple looked the part and that was enough. Whether it was a White House party, or in Michaele’s case, performing routines with the Washington Redskins cheerleaders.
 
These two are fitting symbols of this decade’s deceitful behavior; reflected in inflated real estate values, fraudulent Enron projections, fictional memoirs and the desert mirage that is Dubai,with its indoor skiing rinks, man made lakes and 60 billion dollar debt that won’t be repaid anytime soon. Not only was fabrication rampant during this decade, it was profitable. Just ask Bernie Madoff.

We went to war in Iraq over phantom weapons of mass destruction and went to concerts by singers who don’t actually sing. We tuned into scripted “reality” shows and breathlessly watched manufactured news about the Balloon Boy.

We willfully ignored the truth when it didn’t suit our needs. We lied to ourselves as well as others. We spent more money than we had and we knew it. We demanded destination weddings we couldn’t afford and tried to keep up with the fake celebrity lifestyle we saw in glossy magazines. Then when it all collapsed, we pulled ourselves away from our flat screen TVs in utter surprise. The truth quite literally hurt.

So as we raise a toast on New Year’s Eve, let’s try to make resolutions we can actually keep. No reason to start the next decade with unrealistic expectations. 

We’ve had plenty of that already.

Wednesday, December 09, 2009

10 WOMEN WHO HAVE PROBABLY NOT HAD SEX WITH TIGER WOODS



I present you with a list of women that I'm reasonably sure Tiger Woods has not slept with.
It's not a long list.
But it's what I came up with.
And of course, I could be mistaken...

1. Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg
2. TV Personality Barbara Walters
3. That Duggar woman in Arkansas with 18 going on 19 kids whose vagina is probably so cavernous that it: a) has an echo and b) could provide a safe haven for illegal immigrants.  Alert Lou Dobbs.
4. Me
5. Rae Dawn Chong (Because he'd have to find her first. Honestly. Where has she been?)
6. French Canadian power balladeer Celine Dion
7. Dog the Bounty Hunter's Buxom Ex-wife
8. Famed CNN Cafeteria Hashslinger Roz
9.  Judge Judy
10. Southern Cooking Personality/Flying Ham Victim Paula Deen

Did I miss anyone? Raise your hands.

Monday, December 07, 2009

MAMA D'S ARTS BORDELLO PRESENTS: THE JET SET



Mark your calendars! Prepare for take off and high flying hijinks at the next Mama D's Arts Bordello on February 5th.

Thursday, December 03, 2009

OTHER SITCOM MOMS I WISH WERE LESBIANS



Hearing that actress Meredith Baxter came out the other day made me happy, because I believe everyone should be out and proud; free not only to love whomever they want, but express that love openly. Closets are stuffy and should be used to store clothes, not sexual secrets.

Edited to add: And by the way you clueless, useless fuckers in the New York Senate who rejected a Gay Marriage bill yesterday--YOU ARE COMPLETELY PATHETIC. I'd tell you to kiss my ass but you don't deserve the honor.

Of course, Meredith Baxter will forever be the mom from "Family Ties", Mrs. Keaton.
So I tried to picture what Mr. Keaton would do in this situation. I imagine being the liberal fellow that he is, he'd be supportive. Maybe he'd be a sperm donor for her partner. The three of them might even live together in Taos, New Mexico; making ceramic sculptures and organic casseroles.

Then I started to think about other sitcom moms who I wish were lesbians. I came up with this list:

1. The "Leave It To Beaver" mom. For obvious reasons.

2. Maggie Seaver from "Growing Pains". I'd like her to quit that boring suburban home, hop on a motorcycle and ride with the Dykes on Bikes during the Gay Pride parade.

3. Mrs. Huxtable from "The Cosby Show". Because she is smokin'. She could be a lesbian cougar and  prowl around with Denise Huxtable's college pals from "A Different World". How's that for cross-promotion?

4. Mrs. Cunningham from "Happy Days". Because I'm 12 and cunnilingus works with Cunningham.



5. Laura Petrie from "The Dick Van Dyke Show". For obvious reasons.

6. Lucy from "I Love Lucy". She spends more time with Ethel than her husband anyway, so why not?

7. Mona from "Who's The Boss". She should run an all-lesbian escort agency from her apartment over the kitchen.

8. Mrs. Brady. And I want to see the YouTube footage of her hooking up with Mrs. Partridge.

9. Mary Jenkins from "227". I always thought she wanted to fuck sexy Sandra Clark from the upstairs apartment. (Who could resist Jackee?)

10. Edith Bunker from "All In The Family". I want Archie to catch her in flagrante delicto, whereupon she will look up from in between Maude's thighs and say, "Ooooh Ahhhh-chie."

TRENDS OF THE DECADE



With just under a month before the start of a sparkling, new decade, I think it's time for a round up of the trends we've lived through over the past 10 years. I'll even admit to the ones I participated in, and the ones I managed to avoid:

A List of Trends I Managed to Avoid:

1. Crocs
2. Uggs
3. Freedom Fries
4. Wearing copious amounts of red white and blue clothing, pins, and other flag-related paraphernalia during the first 3 months after 9/11
5. Flipping over homes for profit
6. Foreclosure
7. Making a sex tape that was "accidentally" leaked/emailing naughty photos of myself that wound up online
8. Making videos of babies/kittens/dogs and posting them on YouTube
9. Sending said videos to cube mates,  hoping they'd experience a "cutegasm"
10. Doing a "Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)" homage
11. Carrying around a yoga mat
12. Ridiculously large/expensive handbags
13. Having a Destination Wedding
14. Showcasing "whale tail" with super low rise jeans
15. Twitter

A List of Trends that I Participated in Willfully:

1. Big, stupid sunglasses
2. Sequins in the daytime
3. The ironic t-shirt
4. Being shut out of/annoyed by the status quo and carving out my own niche as a result
5. Being a Permalance employee
6. Sneering at the plight of the uber-wealthy (post-financial collapse)
7. Over using the prefix "uber"
8. Celebrity schadenfreude
9. Writing a blog
10. Canceling my newspaper subscription because I get my news on line (plus someone was stealing it)
11. Bitching about Reality TV but still watching it
12. Obama mania
13. Palin mockery
14. Hanging out at NY restaurants/clubs with lame one word names (Town, Butter, Sway, Salt,)
15. Facebook

What about you?