Check it, Peons: Your CNN Humiliation Compartmentalized

Thursday, December 31, 2009

CNN FLASHBACK


This one's for special, long-time reader we'll call Serm:

Picture it, CNNI Master Control. 1999. A hapless, hungry employee comes back from a disappointing expedition to the atrium to rustle up some vittles.
Employee #1 says incredulously: "I can't believe it. Arby's ran out of roast beef!"
To which Employee #2 says in a stupid, nasally voice: "Arby's ran out of roast beef? Why, that's like CNN runnin' outta news!"

And thus, an endlessly repeated techie catch phrase was born.

Happy New Year everyone!

Monday, December 28, 2009

MORE PROOF OF TRUTH IN CLICHES


Surely you've all heard the cliche, "One man's trash is another man's treasure."
Well, I was just reading through some of the top odd news stories of 2009 when I came across this:
A British academic who spent seven years collecting the dung of rare lizards in the Philippines was devastated when a clean-up team threw it out of his laboratory with the trash. "To some people it might have been just lizard shit... but to me it represented years of painstaking work," he said.

You see that? Cliches really are rooted in reality.
Now if I could just find concrete evidence of someone actually blowing smoke up another person's ass, I'd be happy.

Friday, December 25, 2009

REAL NEW YORK APARTMENT #5: THE HOLIDAY EDITION!


Incredible Real Estate Opportunity: just in time for Christmas!
Spacious snow hut in the middle of Manhattan's beautiful Dag Hammarskjold Plaza.
Unique floor plan, close to public transportation. Pet friendly.
NO FEE! RENT FREE!
Hurry! This offer won't last...

Merry Christmas everyone!

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

CHOICE NUGGETS OF WISDOM FROM MOM


Since Christmas is almost here, I'm giving you Peon Confidential readers a lovely gift...
Those of you who know me are aware that my mom is a crazy Finnish woman. She came to North America with 217 bucks in her back pocket, speaking three words of English. Over the years, she's managed to explore both her adopted home and the English language in fascinating ways. This woman doles out advice and opinions with a special flair.
I'm sharing some of her greatest hits with you today:

1. ON GROCERY SHOPPING: I don't understand people who buy those big cans of things in bulk. Why do they do it? A gallon of cling peaches is such a big commitment.

2. ON AIRPLANES: I hate that airplane smell. You know what that smell is? I tell you. People fart on the plane and it goes into the ventilator system and zooms around and around. It has no place to go! It's trapped. The whole flight people are smelling the same fart. So that's what airplane smell is: recycled fart.

3. ON GETTING ME MY FIRST BRA: (Giving my 12-year-old, unicorn t-shirted chest a stern once over) Yeeech. Saara, you've got the little fat man titties. We're getting you a bra.

4. ON SEX: Hey Saara. Come here. Sit down. You know about the penis? You know about the vagina? You know about the penis going into the vagina? Well, don't do it. It is so boring.

5. TO MY FATHER'S FRIEND WHO TRIED TO GET HIM TO INVEST IN A PYRAMID SCHEME: You touch my savings, I slit your throat!

6. TO A WOMAN AT A PARTY WITH EXTREMELY LONG FAKE NAILS: How do you wipe yourself with those things?

7. TO MY FATHER AFTER HE PULLED HER AWAY FROM THE WOMAN WITH EXTREMELY LONG FAKE NAILS: Don't eat that casserole. I think she brought it.

8. ON THE NEIGHBOR: She's a loosey. What? Okay fine. Floozy, Loosey. I don't care what the English word is! She spread her legs for a fat man.

9. ON THE LOCAL SHERIF: He has a herpes. What? No a hair-peez! You know, a wig. Looks like shit too.

10. ON THE SMELL OF A CERTAIN CAFE IN ATLANTA: (Sniffing loudly) This place...This place...it stinks like unwashed vagina.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

TOP 10 WORST SCRATCH N' SNIFF STICKER SCENTS


Don't ask why, but I went down a winding path of nostalgia yesterday that wound up at Scratch n' Sniff stickers.
Then I found the above photo. It surprised me. Because I don't recall them making Scratch n' Sniff stickers scented like crabs, footballs and smelly sneakers. Must have blocked that out.
So-
In case these stickers are revived for a new generation, might I suggest the top 10 worst potential scents for Scratch n' Sniff stickers. Avoid these aromas at all costs:

1. Any communal phone in any newsroom. No amount of antiseptic wipes can knock out that nasty funk.

2. Rolling Stone Keith Richards' morning breath

3. A fart on an airplane

4. Microwaved tuna

5. The hallway in my building on a Thursday night. Some neighbor has decided that's the night to explore culinary treats plagued with waaaaay too many onions.

6. Port Authority, NYC

7. The third bathroom stall at my gym

8. An Irish pub just after last call and the lights come on

9. CNN's Hard News Cafe Brunswick Stew

10. Flop sweat during the 3rd hour of the Academy Awards broadcast. It has to smell in the Kodak Theatre at that point, right? With a roomful of losers? (Yeah yeah, it's an honor just to be nominated...)

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

AN ENVIRONMENTALLY FRIENDLY ORGASM


Have I got news for you today!
I'd like to preface this post by telling you that I try to do my part for the environment.
I recycle my bottles, cans and newspapers. I re-use the plastic containers from my take-out meals. I use the subway.
But I am deeply excited to take it to the next level...

An Irish company has created the world's first green vibrator!
DUBLIN (AFP) – When world leaders in Copenhagen argue for days in knife-edge talks to save the planet, what more fitting way to relieve the tension than an environmentally-friendly vibrator?
The global sex toy industry is worth an annual 15 billion dollars (22 billion euros), and uses up a mountain of batteries in the process, many of which end up as toxic waste.
But now one Irish company reckons they've got the solution to shake up the market: a vibrator they are calling the world's first-ever "green technology sex toy".
The Earth Angel, described as "eight inches (20 centimetres) with a sleek white finish", is a wind-up vibrator which comes with a handle built into the bottom.
"You just flip out the handle, grab a hold of it there, and you just wind it," said Janice O'Connor, the co-founder with her husband Chris, of Caden Enterprises which makes the gadget.
"So for four minutes of doing that, you should generate enough power to give you 30 minutes of full-on, right-to-the top vibrations," she told AFP.
She added: "I've only used it a couple of times, and it's fantastic. It's very intense, and sometimes, at the top level, depending on the person that's using it, it can actually be too intense sometimes.
"That's why we have four different levels on it."
The vibrator is made of 100 percent recyclable materials and the couple hope it will encourage sex toy fans around the globe to do their bit for the environment.

Three cheers for mother earth and good vibrations.

Monday, December 14, 2009

5 NEW YORK SKILLS I'VE NEVER MASTERED



Despite having lived in New York since 2001, I continually fail in all these areas:

1. Walking briskly while drinking a cup of coffee and not spilling it all over myself. Not once have I ever achieved this feat. Yet I keep trying.

2. Hailing a cab with efficiency in the pissing down rain. I'm always completely drenched and annoyed by the time I've managed to score one.

3. Swiping my Metrocard and getting though the turnstile on the first try.

4. Coming up with an appropriate response to, "Hey Blondie" or "Yo Shawty" or "Hola Mamacita" or "I like your shoes. Are you Puerto Rican?"

5. Not being seated at the shitty table by the kitchen/bathroom/bussing station at a chic restaurant.

Not sure how I survive in this town, really.

Friday, December 11, 2009

THE FRAUDULENT DECADE


As we reach the bitter embers of this tumultuous decade, no two figures embody it better than White House gatecrashers Tareq and Michaele Salahi. They mirror everything we became in this decade: greedy, fame-hungry frauds. It’s the “fake it till you make it” adage personified. Even in an era where the internet makes it easier than ever to double check backgrounds, facts and figures, this attractive couple looked the part and that was enough. Whether it was a White House party, or in Michaele’s case, performing routines with the Washington Redskins cheerleaders.
 
These two are fitting symbols of this decade’s deceitful behavior; reflected in inflated real estate values, fraudulent Enron projections, fictional memoirs and the desert mirage that is Dubai,with its indoor skiing rinks, man made lakes and 60 billion dollar debt that won’t be repaid anytime soon. Not only was fabrication rampant during this decade, it was profitable. Just ask Bernie Madoff.

We went to war in Iraq over phantom weapons of mass destruction and went to concerts by singers who don’t actually sing. We tuned into scripted “reality” shows and breathlessly watched manufactured news about the Balloon Boy.

We willfully ignored the truth when it didn’t suit our needs. We lied to ourselves as well as others. We spent more money than we had and we knew it. We demanded destination weddings we couldn’t afford and tried to keep up with the fake celebrity lifestyle we saw in glossy magazines. Then when it all collapsed, we pulled ourselves away from our flat screen TVs in utter surprise. The truth quite literally hurt.

So as we raise a toast on New Year’s Eve, let’s try to make resolutions we can actually keep. No reason to start the next decade with unrealistic expectations. 

We’ve had plenty of that already.

Wednesday, December 09, 2009

10 WOMEN WHO HAVE PROBABLY NOT HAD SEX WITH TIGER WOODS



I present you with a list of women that I'm reasonably sure Tiger Woods has not slept with.
It's not a long list.
But it's what I came up with.
And of course, I could be mistaken...

1. Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg
2. TV Personality Barbara Walters
3. That Duggar woman in Arkansas with 18 going on 19 kids whose vagina is probably so cavernous that it: a) has an echo and b) could provide a safe haven for illegal immigrants.  Alert Lou Dobbs.
4. Me
5. Rae Dawn Chong (Because he'd have to find her first. Honestly. Where has she been?)
6. French Canadian power balladeer Celine Dion
7. Dog the Bounty Hunter's Buxom Ex-wife
8. Famed CNN Cafeteria Hashslinger Roz
9.  Judge Judy
10. Southern Cooking Personality/Flying Ham Victim Paula Deen

Did I miss anyone? Raise your hands.

Monday, December 07, 2009

MAMA D'S ARTS BORDELLO PRESENTS: THE JET SET



Mark your calendars! Prepare for take off and high flying hijinks at the next Mama D's Arts Bordello on February 5th.

Thursday, December 03, 2009

OTHER SITCOM MOMS I WISH WERE LESBIANS



Hearing that actress Meredith Baxter came out the other day made me happy, because I believe everyone should be out and proud; free not only to love whomever they want, but express that love openly. Closets are stuffy and should be used to store clothes, not sexual secrets.

Edited to add: And by the way you clueless, useless fuckers in the New York Senate who rejected a Gay Marriage bill yesterday--YOU ARE COMPLETELY PATHETIC. I'd tell you to kiss my ass but you don't deserve the honor.

Of course, Meredith Baxter will forever be the mom from "Family Ties", Mrs. Keaton.
So I tried to picture what Mr. Keaton would do in this situation. I imagine being the liberal fellow that he is, he'd be supportive. Maybe he'd be a sperm donor for her partner. The three of them might even live together in Taos, New Mexico; making ceramic sculptures and organic casseroles.

Then I started to think about other sitcom moms who I wish were lesbians. I came up with this list:

1. The "Leave It To Beaver" mom. For obvious reasons.

2. Maggie Seaver from "Growing Pains". I'd like her to quit that boring suburban home, hop on a motorcycle and ride with the Dykes on Bikes during the Gay Pride parade.

3. Mrs. Huxtable from "The Cosby Show". Because she is smokin'. She could be a lesbian cougar and  prowl around with Denise Huxtable's college pals from "A Different World". How's that for cross-promotion?

4. Mrs. Cunningham from "Happy Days". Because I'm 12 and cunnilingus works with Cunningham.



5. Laura Petrie from "The Dick Van Dyke Show". For obvious reasons.

6. Lucy from "I Love Lucy". She spends more time with Ethel than her husband anyway, so why not?

7. Mona from "Who's The Boss". She should run an all-lesbian escort agency from her apartment over the kitchen.

8. Mrs. Brady. And I want to see the YouTube footage of her hooking up with Mrs. Partridge.

9. Mary Jenkins from "227". I always thought she wanted to fuck sexy Sandra Clark from the upstairs apartment. (Who could resist Jackee?)

10. Edith Bunker from "All In The Family". I want Archie to catch her in flagrante delicto, whereupon she will look up from in between Maude's thighs and say, "Ooooh Ahhhh-chie."

TRENDS OF THE DECADE



With just under a month before the start of a sparkling, new decade, I think it's time for a round up of the trends we've lived through over the past 10 years. I'll even admit to the ones I participated in, and the ones I managed to avoid:

A List of Trends I Managed to Avoid:

1. Crocs
2. Uggs
3. Freedom Fries
4. Wearing copious amounts of red white and blue clothing, pins, and other flag-related paraphernalia during the first 3 months after 9/11
5. Flipping over homes for profit
6. Foreclosure
7. Making a sex tape that was "accidentally" leaked/emailing naughty photos of myself that wound up online
8. Making videos of babies/kittens/dogs and posting them on YouTube
9. Sending said videos to cube mates,  hoping they'd experience a "cutegasm"
10. Doing a "Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)" homage
11. Carrying around a yoga mat
12. Ridiculously large/expensive handbags
13. Having a Destination Wedding
14. Showcasing "whale tail" with super low rise jeans
15. Twitter

A List of Trends that I Participated in Willfully:

1. Big, stupid sunglasses
2. Sequins in the daytime
3. The ironic t-shirt
4. Being shut out of/annoyed by the status quo and carving out my own niche as a result
5. Being a Permalance employee
6. Sneering at the plight of the uber-wealthy (post-financial collapse)
7. Over using the prefix "uber"
8. Celebrity schadenfreude
9. Writing a blog
10. Canceling my newspaper subscription because I get my news on line (plus someone was stealing it)
11. Bitching about Reality TV but still watching it
12. Obama mania
13. Palin mockery
14. Hanging out at NY restaurants/clubs with lame one word names (Town, Butter, Sway, Salt,)
15. Facebook

What about you?

Monday, November 30, 2009

TOP TEN ALBUMS OF THE DECADE



Since most people purchase music by cherrypicking singles now, the album is becoming a dinosaur. The idea of actually listening to an entire album as a cohesive piece of art instead of a collection of singles is antiquated. Who knows, this may be the last decade in which a Top 10 Albums List is even attempted. So I'm taking the opportunity while I can.
Obviously, I'm no professional music critic. If you hate this list, or think I've missed something or added something absurd, go ahead and call me a jackass. It won't sting much.
But make sure you tell me what you'd have chosen instead.
I came up with this list through an unscientific process of looking through my i-tunes play counts,  personal preference, and pure whimsy.
Have at it, Peon Confidential readers:

1. Is This It? -The Strokes
I had just moved to New York when this album came out. I remember standing in the Virgin Record Store in Union Square (which, sadly, like Foxy Lady is no longer there) listening to the whole album, start to finish, wearing those smelly public headphones. I must have looked like a moron, grinning, nodding and closing my eyes for the length of the album. And I'm glad I bought the import CD. The English album cover on the top is a million times more iconic than the American cover:

 

2. Chutes Too Narrow-The Shins
"Garden State" is to "The Graduate" as The Shins are to Simon and Garfunkle. Discuss.

3. The White Stripes-Elephant
Shrieking, sexy vocals, bluesy riffs, strange lyrics, red, white and black outfits. Plus, the Led Zeppelin influences are a treat for a Pacific Northwestern girl like me, where Gettin' The Led Out is a regional obsession.

4. Funeral-Arcade Fire
For the sheer number of instruments per song, people on stage and misty eyed hipsters in the audience.

5. Girls Can Tell-Spoon
This band manages to turn a song about dad's fitted shirt into a rock anthem. Now that's cool.

6. Speakerboxxx/The Love Below-Outkast
Incredible mix of styles from Andre 3000 and Big Boi. "Hey Ya" is perhaps the best single of the decade. I can't picture any other song that could have moved a roomful of dull, pasty CNBC employees at a boring holiday party in a New Jersey hotel to get up and "shake it like a Polaroid picture". Yes, this happened. I witnessed it with my own eyes. Plus, if you never saw this Peanuts remix, do yourself a favor and check it out: 


7. Back to Black-Amy Winehouse
Show me a woman who hasn't lived Amy's songs at least once and I'll show you a liar.

8. Alright, Still-Lily Allen
Yeah, yeah. I can hear the groans from you serious music fans. Well, to borrow the title of another Lily Allen song, Fuck You. This album is like candy. Every song is a delicious pop confection, and the sly lyrics are hilarious. Plus, Lily is my kind of pop star. She never hides behind any sweet, virginal facade. She misbehaves with rock stars on first class flights to Tokyo. She makes an ass of herself at awards shows. She talks shit about other famous people. What's not to love about Lily?

9. Franz Ferdinand-Franz Ferdinand-
Just because almost every song on here is a summons to the dancefloor. Which shouldn't really be a reason to put it on this list, except that I am a really fucking bad dancer. So this is an achievement. I'll hear the opening chords to "Take Me Out", and think, "Yep. I've been served. It's a sonic subpoena." Then off I'll go to embarrass myself in front of strangers. (See also: their follow up album "Tonight" which offers up sonic subpoenas "No You Girls" and "Ulysses".)

10. Music For Men-Gossip
Beth Ditto is the most original front person to emerge in years. Now that I think about it, this decade launched quite a few interesting female singers, and not in the tedious, yeast infected Lilith Fair way: Beth Ditto, Karen O, Lady Gaga.
Whether or not you like what they do, they're certainly doing it in a unique way.

Honorable Mention:
Less Sophistication-The Jessica Fletchers
Very few people have heard of this band. This album doesn't have a single review on i-tunes. But I love it. It's the sound of a sunny Midsummer Night festival. And how can you not love a band that takes its name from your granny's favorite mystery program?

Saturday, November 28, 2009

RELIGIOUS VISIONS IN HOUSEHOLD ITEMS: THE TIMELINE



So-
Every so often, there will be a news report about some deluded individual who sees either The Virgin Mary or Jesus in a potato chip, a pizza pan or an egg sandwich. (For some reason, these people never see Moses or Elijah.) The blessed item will often be placed under a glass pie cover to respect and preserve it. Citizens of the hamlet where this miraculous sighting took place will gather 'round it, bearing witness to religious history. (These sightings rarely happen in large cities, presumably because people are too busy to notice such things.)

Well, it's happened again.

This time the lucky visionary is Mary Jo Coady of Methuen, Massachusetts, who discovered the face of Jesus on her iron. (See above photo)

Now, maybe I'm not as sophisticated as Mary Jo Coady, but I don't see it. And I've really tried. But all I see is a burnt iron, and I worry about what happened to the clothes she was ironing.

Then I tried to picture the timeline of this miraculous event. Since I wasn't there, I have to fill in the details from my imagination. So I figured the timeline might go something like this:

9:30am: Mary Jo Coady finishes a hearty breakfast, in which for a thrilling moment she thinks she's seen the Virgin Mary in her Eggo Waffle, but ultimately concludes that she was mistaken. She sighs.


9:45am: Mary Jo Coady goes to the laundry room, wearily piling up the clothes she has to iron. She puts on the Adult Contemporary radio station ("The Greatest Hits of Yesterday and Today!") to put a little kick in her step. 


10:00am: Mary Jo Coady begins ironing. 


10:15am: Mary Jo Coady gets distracted while reminiscing about her exciting and educational trip to Colonial Williamsburg two years ago. The result is that she burns her favorite Quaker Factory sweatshirt.


10:17am: After a brief moment of grief, Mary Jo Coady turns that frown upside down. Because she examines her iron which reveals...the face of Jesus. 


10:25am: Mary Jo Coady calls up some friends and tells them about the Heavenly Glory in her laundry room. 


11:00am: Mary Jo Coady's coffee klatch descends upon her house to inspect the Blessed Burnt Iron.


11:30am: Over a cup of Maxwell House and pie, one of her friends (the wacky, crazy, fun gal--she's a hoot!) throws out the idea that they should contact the local news station. 


11:40am: More coffee.


12:00pm: Amped up on Maxwell House, Mary Jo Coady calls the local news station. The Assignment Desk is enthralled by her tale of religious imagery in domestic drudgery, and they send a reporter to her house.


Thus, Mary Jo Coady has cemented her place in local news lore...


UPDATE: Here I thought my Eggo Waffle bit was sarcastic, but now I find that in Port St. Lucie, FL a woman just sold a pancake that she claims shows a vision of Jesus and Mary. She managed to make a 338.00 windfall from her Holy Pancake.

Friday, November 27, 2009

ADULT ENTERTAINMENT: MYSTERY SOLVED



The Peon Confidential hiatus is over, just in time for me to assist you with your Black Friday shopping questions.
And in particular, your porn shop questions...Okay, it's really just the answer to one porn shop question.
You see, I went out with some pals recently and learned the answer to a mystery that's been haunting me for far too long.

So, a couple years back a former CNN peon and myself had tickets to a concert at Madison Square Garden. We get there and find that it's been cancelled. Devasted but still in search of fun, we popped into a porn shop around the corner. Within this porn shop we found the usual merchandise: blow up dolls, DVDs, vibrators and those weird plastic pussies that truly creep me out.
You know what I'm talking about? They're just these cooters that come in a box. They aren't even attached to a plastic woman. I hate to think about tragic, lonely men pounding away at these things, then rinsing them out and putting them away in their Kmart dressers for use later.

I do not know what I would do if I were dating someone, opened their dresser drawer and found one of these pathetic fake snatches. I suspect the reaction would be the same as when I found a massive roach in my New Orleans bathroom. It was crawling on my toothbrush. Then when I tried to throw out the toothbrush with roach attached...the motherfucker flew at me. I ran out of there so fast that I slipped and banged my head on the wall. Then I called for backup. I'm a tough woman but I have my limits.

Okay. So. Back to the point...
There we were in the porn store.

And in the midst of all these seedy sundries, we see three massive stacks of...Delta Burke's book entitled,
"Delta Style: Eve Wasn't A Size 6 And Neither Am I."


We could not figure this out. Who would buy this book here? Does Delta Burke have an audience we don't know about? Do perverts read uplifting celebrity accounts about learning to accept their fat thighs? But mostly it was just an overwhelming thought of...why?

Well,  I finally got my answer the other night.

Turns out that in certain places, there is a 70-30 law. Meaning that at least 30% of the merchandise in a porn shop needs to be non-porn related. So Delta Burke and her uplifting book were helping these porn purveyors uphold the law!

Mystery solved.
And with that, I'm off to slice a piece of pie for breakfast.

Happy first official day of the Holiday Season to all of you!

Monday, November 23, 2009

DESOLATION BOULEVARD: BLOGGING IN THE HARSH GLARE OF KINKOS


Hello Peons!
Just checking in with you to tell you I'm not dead. Neither is the blog. What's dead is my computer. But it's with the nerds at the Mac store, where I can only hope they are treating it with as much love as I do. I cannot tell you how forlorn my desk looks now, with only a cookie crumb infested keyboard on it.

Until my computer and I are reunited, I'd just like to leave you with this bit of information: Southern Cooking Personality Paula Deen was smacked in the face with a ham yesterday.

Back soon with more of the useless shit you've come to expect from this blog...

-VJDutton

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

TOP TEN WORST ITEMS TO SELL DOOR TO DOOR




(Enjoy today's Large Print Edition. No need to dig out those reading glasses. No, I didn't do this on purpose. Not sure what I did wrong, but I can't seem to fix it.)


So-
I just read this from the Associated Press:


BROWNSVILLE, Texas – A 19-year-old Brownsville man is jailed on a drug charge after he allegedly went door-to-door trying to sell marijuana. A Brownsville police spokesman says Anthony Carrazco's alleged scheme went awry when he knocked on a police officer's apartment door.


Now, this fellow is an idiot. (Almost as idiotic as a person who can't fix font issues on their blog.) No question there. But it got me to thinking about other goods and services that are best not sold door to door.
I came up with this list:


1. Opened tubes of hemorrhoid ointment, accompanied by an offer to help with application


2. Lederhosen 


3. "Manager's Special" Ground Beef


4.  Dentures


5.  Opened boxes of Tampax, accompanied by an offer to help with insertion


6. Internal Organs


7. Whoopie Cushions


8. Tubas


9. Monkeys (That didn't stop 70's cult leader Jim Jones from doing it, however)


10. Opened jars of Vaseline, accompanied by an offer to help smear it someplace

Monday, November 16, 2009

AM I CRAZY OR IS THIS A VAGINA? TAKE THIS POLL, PLEASE



So-
A certain bespectacled, grey-haired curmudgeonly pal of mine had a back stage pass to Metallica at Madison Square Garden  last night. (Another pal was in charge of tuning guitars for the band.)

Afterwards, he showed me the above badge and I immediately said,
"Oh, that's subtle."
And he said "What do you mean?"
I said, "Well, that's clearly a pussy."
He said I was wrong. Crazy in fact. And no, he was not being ironic. Of course, he was still a little drunk. Maybe he will sober up and see the truth.

Admittedly, I am painfully aware that us women are shaving/waxing/plucking/laser beaming our nether regions now, so perhaps this photo does not automatically conjure up genital visions.

Point being...
Cast your vote now!

A. Yes, that's a Hairy Clam
B. What the hell are you talking about, you lunatic?
C. Don't I have better things to do?

Friday, November 13, 2009

FACEBOOK ANNOYANCE DU JOUR



You know, I have enough people trying to make me feel guilty: PBS with their fund raisers, my mom on the phone, Hallmark with their insistence that I'm a bad friend who doesn't care enough to send the very best if I don't buy their cards.
Now Facebook is joining the guilt chorus.
I see in my suggestions column that they've taken to putting a friend's face there and saying, "You haven't connected with ___________ on Facebook in a while. Send______________ a message."
Better yet, they put: "Help make Facebook better for her."

What is the meaning of this shit? How did I become a Facebook charity work volunteer?

Why is Facebook telling me that I'm an uncaring asshole? Facebook is like one of those irritating, overbearing moms who always tried to mediate grade school conflicts:

Irritating, Overbearing Mom: Wendy, why can't you just forgive Saara for trying to steal your Little Pony, even though I'm sure her family can afford to buy her one and it was very rude of her.

Wendy: No! She's fat and ugly and I hate her!

See? And I understand Wendy's outrage. Truthfully, I still hate her too. Plus, I already had a Little Pony, I just took hers out of spite. And I'd do it again, bitch!
So Facebook, stop dropping unsubtle hints about friends I may be neglecting.
But if you still want to emulate an Irritating, Overbearing Mom, at least have the courtesy to carpool in an unflattering velour tracksuit, bathed in Elizabeth Arden perfume while you're doing it.

Monday, November 09, 2009

UNDER THE VOLCANO IN NYC: THE DEATH OF COOL



You know the only thing worse than your favorite bar going out of business?
Your favorite bar under new management.

For many years, there was a fantastic New York bar called Under The Volcano on 12 E. 36th Street. It was a murky joint that took its name from Malcolm Lowry's 1947 book about a depressed alcoholic expat in Mexico. There were incredible Dia de los Muertos creatures placed in strategic locations. Candles dripped wax all over the bar. The music was great. The staff could actually translate and explain the literary relevance of a famous quote from the book, which had been painted on the wall: LE GUSTA ESTE JARDIN? QUE ES SUYO? EVITE QUE SUS HIJOS LO DESTRUYAN!

In a dull part of Midtown, this strange place was a beacon of cool in a sea of boring, charmless pubs. Instead of office drones knocking back Budweisers, you'd find punk pioneer Legs McNeil sneering at everyone in the corner. (Okay, I only witnessed this once, but it still counts.)

Well, I went in there recently, and the whole place had been revamped. There were flat screen TVs blaring college football. They'd replaced the spooky amber windows. They'd removed all the Dia de los Muertos art and the dripping candles. The music was shit. They'd painted over the famous quote on the wall.

And yet they've kept the name "Under The Volcano". Why? What the fuck is the point? It's false advertising. Just go ahead and rename it Andy's Ale House or McDuffy's or some other shit.

I won't be back.

Anyone else have a similar story about your favorite bar?

UPDATE: Not sure if the new management reads this blog, but I walked past this place a couple days ago to find that that they've changed the name to The Archive.

Monday, November 02, 2009

MEMO TO THE PACKS OF LOUD, OBNOXIOUS STRAIGHT GIRLS INVADING GAY CLUBS




I’d like to begin by stating that I have been a fag hag since I was 5 years old, when I asked my mom for a Paul Lynde lunchbox.  Being from a rural area in Finland, she could not grasp the concept of a "lunchbox", let alone Paul Lynde. She presented me with a cigar box, upon which I pasted several pictures of Paul Lynde that I cut out of an old Bon Appetit Magazine.  I also pasted a photo of his “Millionaire’s Salad”.

So I feel that I come from a place of some authority on this issue, even though I’m not a gay man. And I need to tell you good time girls something:

You are really fucking annoying.

You teeter into gay clubs, shrieking, laughing and thinking you look so damn cute. You carry with you the same entitlement that you take to straight clubs, the idea that you’re “sitting on a goldmine”. Newsflash: you’re surrounded by gay men. They don’t want your pussy. They don’t even want to think about your pussy. Your pussy is about as relevant as the last piece of sweaty cheese after an office holiday party.

And why must you come to gay clubs in packs? Or worse, bachelorette parties? You ruin the whole vibe. You wander around like you’re on vacation in a foreign land. You pretend to dance with abandon and gingerly put dollar bills into g-strings like you’re the most daring mavericks that ever walked the earth.  Some of you even stare and point. You and your pack of giggling idiots just aren’t adorable or funny. You are rude. You reek of self-satisfaction.

And honestly, aren’t there enough Senor Frogs type establishments you can go to where you can sing into your Miller Lite beer bottles and talk about your insensitive boyfriends?

I’m certainly not saying that there should be no straight women in gay clubs. I love to go to gay clubs. But never in a bachelorette party pack. It’s disrespectful. The ratio should be the reverse of straight clubs. You know how sexy girls get in for free at straight clubs because they don’t want too many men? Well, it’s payback time. Bring at least one gay male for every straight female. It’s only fair.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

NEW HOOTERS OUTFITS



Well I am just beside myself.
It used to be that in this world of uncertainty, there were still a few precious things you could count on to remain unchanged:

1. That gross liquid discharge on the top layer of yogurt

2. Acoustic guitarists in Hawaiian shirts playing Jimmy Buffet songs at Florida beach resorts

3. The Hooters Outfits

The original Hooters outfits are the gold standard: Orange, camel toe-inducing shorts, tight tank top with the owl eyes stretched out over pendulous/surgically enhanced tits and of course, the shiny beige pantyhose. This sublime workplace attire was a source of national pride. Now they've gone and changed it to the monstrosity pictured above. Why camouflage? These women do not need to hide in a Vietnamese jungle. They need to serve me fucking hot wings and beer!
Damn. Another piece of iconic American fashion history is relegated to the dusty recesses of our collective consciousness...

Monday, October 26, 2009

ANNE GEDDES, MOVE OVER



So-
Several months ago, I wrote a couple of posts about my friend who arranged to have a tank of top grade sperm transported across the country...
Part 1: QUALITY EJACULATE SELECTION
She even did a bit of guest blogging...
Part 2: EJACULATE UPDATE

One of you recently asked what happened to my friend. It was a cliffhanger and you were left hanging, you said. Well, I'm glad you asked...
You see that glorious picture above?
That's what happened!
(For more info, check out my friend's blog: CONNOTATION AND DENOTATION)
But isn't that the greatest baby picture you've ever seen?

Anne Geddes and her creepy foliage-wrapped infants have been trumped.

The only thing this photo lacks is a good caption. If you've got one, lay it on us!

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

MARGE SIMPSON GRACES PLAYBOY MAGAZINE



I'm a collector of vintage Playboy magazines. The issues from 1960-1977 are fantastic.  While the standard joke used to be about "reading Playboy for the articles", the truth is that some of America's finest authors were published in Playboy's glossy pages:  John Updike, Joyce Carol Oates, Kurt Vonnegut Jr., George Plimpton, and Hunter S. Thompson all offered up their prose in between photos luscious naked women. The magazine was witty, urbane and stylish.

Then the late 1980's hit and it all went downhill. The magazine started to look cheap. The women looked trashy. The articles weren't as good. The whole enterprise seemed like an outdated, pathetic relic.

Even my father, who had always subscribed to Playboy (delivered to his clinic, no less) cancelled his subscription.

Things only got worse with the rise of internet porn. Charmless spankers just got on line to leer at women for free, and Playboy magazine languished at the newsstand.

Which is why for years I've said that Playboy should get back to its roots: top quality writing, humor and  tips on how to create a sophisticated bachelor den. Return to more stylized nudes and photo shoots. Give people something they're not getting on line.

So when I saw Marge Simpson in a rather 1960's pose on the cover, plus a new piece of fiction by Stephen King, I was impressed. This is an issue I will buy. It's a fresh new direction with a nod to the past. A perfect combination.

Keep it up Playboy! Now all you need is to hire me as a writer and you'll really have a sensational publication...

Thursday, October 08, 2009

AN ELEGY FOR LITERARY ROCK STARS: FEUDS, BOOZE AND WIT



This may seem hard to believe today, but there was a time when writers had a starring role in the media circus. And they loved it. They put on a show, feuding with each other publicly, revealing professional jealousy and petty grievances, but still showcasing incredible charm and intelligence. 

People like Gore Vidal and Norman Mailer sparred over "intellectual pollution" on Dick Cavett's talk show. Truman Capote sniffed, "That's not writing, that's typing" about Jack Kerouac's book, "On the Road". Later, he kicked off a classic feud with Jacqueline Susann by proclaiming on the Tonight Show that she looked like "a truck driver in drag." Susann threatened to sue Capote and NBC. So Capote apologized, "to truck drivers everywhere."


But this was back when authors had big personalities and even bigger advances and didn't try to look like they were teenagers at age 35, shuffling around in ill-fitting t-shits, jeans and sneakers. They were witty, bitchy, well-dressed and went on talk shows, not just to promote their books, but because they were actually interesting. Audiences wanted to see them. At one point in the late 1970s, Truman Capote had the highest television Q rating of any celebrity around. Even more amazing, unlike today--these writers were famous for writing, not because they were celebrities who got book deals because of their fame. 
Authors of this era had style. George Plimpton threw incredible parties at his East 72nd street apartment, where only the sharpest, most articulate people were invited. Attendees were served plenty of booze--but his personal quirk was that he only offered cheap Dinty Moore stew to eat.

Norman Mailer, John Updike and Tom Wolfe had protracted arguments about literary merit versus popular success. This battle played out for years in publications like Harpers, The New Yorker and The New York Review of Books. One writer would posit a theory or make a criticism, the next would respond to it. They almost read like classic Rhythm and Blues answer songs.

Many writers in this era were urbane, occasionally pompous but always fun. It was proof that the literati could be raucous.
Now I don't even know if a literati exists.


I started my show, Mama D's Arts Bordello as an attempt to create a bawdy literary event. I had attended far too may of those dull, dry, bullshit readings in stale cafes and bookstores where pasty, nervous writers stammer over their prose. Writers can (and should) be lusty, witty, cruel and full of life. Books and book discussions should not be relegated to musty libraries and twee coffee shops. Nor should the literary world be separated from popular culture. It should be careening, crazy and succulent. 
So I'm on a crusade: bring back the literary rock star.
Oh.
And while we're at it--
Fuck those smug, masturbatory Book Clubs that are held on sober Saturday afternoons in some boring do-gooder's chintz-festooned, Thomas Kinkade-friendly living room too.

Friday, October 02, 2009

TONIGHT--MAMA D'S ARTS BORDELLO PRESENTS: ORGASMIC!




Your wait is finally over!
The big show is tonight!

Parkside Lounge.
8pm.
$5 cover.

It's a night of sex-fueled comedy, music, burlesque and trivia.

Don't miss out!

PARKSIDE LOUNGE

Monday, September 21, 2009

THE IRONIC T-SHIRT: A REPRIEVE



So-
A couple of years ago, I had declared the ironic t-shirt officially dead.
I no longer wanted to see scrawny, pasty Brooklyn guys, faces obscured by "look at my funny facial hair" wandering about in t-shirts that proclaimed,"Geometry is for Squares" or "I'm Popular in South Dakota" or "Missouri loves Company".

"Enough!" I thought. I did not think it would be possible for one of those t-shirts to ever make me laugh again.

I was wrong.

Because when you see a fat Chinese guy sporting an "Italian Stallion" t-shirt while walking a poodle, you realize that there's always an exception to the rule.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

PAUL BURKE TRIBUTE




An actor I knew named Paul Burke died today. Not only did he star in one of my favorite movies of all time, "Valley Of The Dolls" but he was an incredibly kind man.
I actually performed a scene from Macbeth for him, asking for his honest opinion if I should pursue acting. He'd confided to my father beforehand that he planned to deter me, because acting is such a cruel  profession.

But after I performed, he just looked at me and said, "Go for it kid. You got raw, natural talent."

The above photo is us in Palm Springs, just after that performance. And yes, I'm wearing a costume. For some reason, I thought my mom's sparkly scarf made me look like Lady Macbeth.

I miss you,  Paul Burke.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

MAMA D'S ARTS BORDELLO PRESENTS: ORGASMIC!



Calling all horn dogs...
Cum on down!
Get ready for a sexy night of entertainment from comics Ali Wong, Sean Hart and Mistress Irina, burlesque sensation Fem Appeal and the sonic ecstasy of The Bukkake Klatch.
Plus: The "Sex in the 1980's Trivia Contest" where you can win sleazy prizes galore.
Sure you could stay home and masturbate instead, but why don't you give your hand a rest tonight and enjoy the show.

A mere 5 bucks for this enchanting night. 

DATE: Friday, Oct. 2
TIME: 8pm
PLACE: Parkside Lounge
ADDRESS: 317 E. Houston

Wednesday, September 09, 2009

DYAN CANNON CAM

It's an exciting day here at Peon Confidential!
We're introducing a brand new treat for you.
It's our exclusive "Dyan Cannon Cam" (TM, patent pending.)
Yes, one of you Peons has reached the glorified position of living in Dyan Cannon's LA neighborhood:
Dyan Cannon, Hollywood icon.
Dyan Cannon, Oscar and Golden Globe nominated actress and one-time wife of Cary Grant.
Dyan Cannon, whose Wikipedia entry ends with:
She resides in West Hollywood and can be seen walking her two Chihuahuas, JC and Matilda.
As a member of the ultra exclusive Peon Confidential readership, you now have proof that this is indeed true. You can hold your head high, confident in your elite, Hollywood insider status.

Tuesday, September 08, 2009

FOLK WISDOM CONFIRMED


Just read this from Reuters:

Drunk Grandmaster Checkmated After Dozing Off

CHENNAI, India – A leading French chess player turned up drunk and dozed off after just 11 moves in an international tournament in Kolkata, losing the round on technical grounds, domestic media reported Friday.
Grandmaster Vladislav Tkachiev arrived for Thursday's match against India's Praveen Kumar in such an inebriated state that he could hardly sit in his chair and soon fell asleep, resting his head on the table, Hindustan Times newspaper reported.
Indian papers carried pictures of the world number 58 sleeping and the organizers' futile attempts to wake his up.
The game was awarded to the Indian on the technical ground of Tkachiev being unable to complete his moves within the stipulated time of an hour and 30 minutes, the paper said.

And what conclusion did I draw from this news item? What's my analysis?
Well...
It turns out your hard-working grandpa's favorite saying is true.
Furthermore, it should be taken literally:
If ya snooze, ya lose, buddy.

Thursday, September 03, 2009

LOS ANGELES: FAKE GRASS, TRUE FREEDOM


I'm a West Coast girl by birth.
I grew up on two islands, with the Pacific Ocean at my doorstep: Oahu, Hawaii and Whidbey Island, Washington.
As a toddler, I ran around naked on Kailua beach, our dog beside me. As a teen, I danced at parties on Double Bluff beach, with bonfires, cheap beer, and a sky full of stars overhead.

But I've lived on the East Coast for several years, and seen plenty of claustrophobic New Yorkers who head west, searching for answers that can only be found by reaching the edge of the continent. And even if textbooks tell us that American freedom is about the right to vote and peaceful demonstration, that's not what comes to mind first...

American freedom is driving up the Pacific Coast Highway, the music cranked up, the sun shining, the ocean sparkling like an obscenely gorgeous sapphire necklace on woman far too young to wear it.

This freedom is a religion. It permeates LA. It's the freedom to re-write history, with no one to scold you for forgetting about the past. It's the freedom of unabashed ambition, unhindered by ghosts. You can recreate yourself. Whether you're an actor shaving years off your age or if you're Born Again, like the people I saw being baptized in the Pacific Ocean.

This is why I think there is something very earnest about this city, even if that defies the cliche. People really do believe in what they're selling. I love that. And to those who see the fake grass in front of homes and apartments and sneer about how phony LA is--that's your perception. Just because the grass is plastic doesn't mean it isn't real. It's just real plastic instead of grass.

See that? I'm an LA disciple already. One great weekend and I'm already enjoying the freedom to create my own reality.

Tuesday, September 01, 2009

AWAITING CONNECTION






So-
I have returned from L.A., where I spent an incredible weekend with a beloved CNNer.
Now I'm looking through my photos.
I know there's a literary/personal/spiritual connection.
Just waiting for it to materialize.
In the meantime...here are the pieces to my puzzle:

Paparazzi shot, fake grass, Tom Selleck's Star on the Walk of Fame, the entrance to The Beverly Hills Hotel, and a baptism in the Pacific Ocean.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

THE OFFICIAL CNN CUM STAIN


I was out with a CNN pal last night, enjoying cocktails in the retro darkness of Campbell's Apartment at Grand Central Terminal.
We got to talking about the CNN Atlanta experience, and how you don't really move to Atlanta, you move to CNN when you accept the job from out of state. It's such a strange, all-consuming bubble existence, and people work such peculiar hours that your life is tied up in CNN Center. You work with these people. You party with these people. You play softball with these people. You fuck these people. You occasionally fuck these people on CNN premises...

Case in point: As a brand new employee, eyes shining with excitement, this pal of mine was given a tour of CNN Center. The tour guide pulled back a curtain in one of the edit bays to point out a cum stain left behind by two horny employees. This humble cum stain had become a a CNN artifact, a newsroom curiosity. The tour guide even mentioned the fornicating couple by name, thus lending credibility to the legend. Now, I highly doubt that these two were the only couple to ever have sex in an edit bay, but they are the only ones with the foresight to leave some evidence behind to solidify their place in CNN history.

Bravo, I say.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

DREAM CNN ANCHOR RECIPES


A devoted Peon Confidential reader named Vidiot recently left this comment:
It was great to work with Ralitsa [Vassiliva]-- among other things, she gave me her mom's recipe for potato salad, which I still make. I mean, pleasant conversation is one thing, but a killer potato-salad recipe is forever.

This is superb news. I love that Vidiot is still impressing hungry crowds with Ralitsa's recipe.

But it got me to thinkin':
Which other recipes would I like to have from CNN legends?
Here's what I came up with:

1. Anderson Cooper's Coq Au Vin

2. Larry King's Stewed Prunes

3. Kiran Chetry's Marshmallow Fudge

4. Nancy Grace's Steamed Clam(s)

5. Susan Rook's Twice Baked Potatoes

6. Don's Lemon Meringue Pie

7. Wolf Blitzer's Cheese Blintzes

8. Lynn Russell's Jalapeno Poppers

9. Lou Dobb's Chimichangas

10. And of course...Roz The Famed Hashslinger's Turkey Tetrazznini

What about you?

Monday, August 24, 2009

PRICELESS CNN MOMENT


Good Morning Peons!
I'm happy to brighten your Monday with a vintage story from a CNN pioneer. A control room veteran known as Oy The Audio Man stumbled on Peon Confidential. He wrote in and said:
"I was one of the Original employees at Atlanta, and signed on before CNN went on the air, or the building was even completed. I was scheduled to be in the building 14 hours a day, and was usually there more. I worked 7 days a week for over 3 months, and therefore was there for a lot of incidents. Especially as most nights I slept in the equipment/props storage area on the Sandy Freeman Show furniture. So in many cases when hell broke loose somebody woke me up to help."

As you can imagine, this man has plenty of great tales, but one in particular was my favorite. It's proof that the transition from ancient paper TelePrompter to modern newsroom technology was not so smooth:
"The computer-fed prompter put up a nasty letter of resignation by error. [Anchor] Bob Cain was reading and it started out, 'I'd like to inform you of the passing of something near and dear to me at CNN - myself.' Then it got really nasty. After about 20 seconds of reading, Bob looked at the control area and said, 'Do you really want me to go on reading this?'"

Beautiful. Oy the Audio Man--keep 'em coming please!

Friday, August 21, 2009

MOM'S TOP 10 HOUSECLEANING SOUNDTRACK


So-
I was at a discount department store the other day, escaping the heat, caressing angora sweaters, when "He's So Shy" by The Pointer Sisters came over the sound system.

It put me in a trance. I was whisked back to being a kid. Saturday afternoon. Mom's cleaning. I'm helping. She's annoyed because Dad is not. This means she turns up the radio as loud as possible, just to piss him off. One of those stations that plays "The greatest hits of yesterday and today!" You know this station: it's almost impossible to tell the songs of yesterday apart from the songs of today because it's all the same non-threatening sonic slush. But it's still just kicky enough to put a swing in your step while mopping the floor. If you play any of these songs, I can almost hear the vacuum humming and smell the Pine Sol...

1. "Caribbean Queen" by Billy Ocean

2. "Sad Songs (Say So Much)" by Elton John

3. "Conga" by Gloria Estefan

4. "Breakout" by Swingout Sister

5. "I've Had The Time of My Life" by Bill Medley and Jennifer Warnes (The Dirty Dancing soundtrack)

6. "Higher Love" by Steve Winwood

7. "Baby Baby" by Amy Grant

8. "Easy Lover" by Phil Collins

9. "Baby Hold On" by Eddie Money

10. "Young Turks" by Rod Stewart

BONUS: The Pointer Sisters should be in an honorary Housecleaning Soundtrack Hall of Fame because in addition to "He's So Shy", they also provided "Jump (for My Love)" "I'm So Excited" "Automatic" and The Neutron Dance".

Now...do you have any songs to add?

Thursday, August 20, 2009

BLIND ITEM #15


Which CNN personality displayed grace under fire when an attendee collapsed at her book party? A spy says she bent over the fallen attendee, revealing her control top pantyhose, made sure everything was okay and kept right on fielding questions from the crowd.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

SEX IN THE 1980’s TRIVIA CONTEST


So-
The next Mama D's Arts Bordello, "ORGASMIC!", is not until Friday, October 2nd.
And we just know you're aching with anticipation.
As such, we're trying out a new concept for the show.
I'm giving you the Trivia Contest in advance.
Feel free to cheat. Go ahead and Google the answers or ask your pals, print it out and bring it to the show if you want.
Consider this a fringe benefit of being both a Peon Confidential reader and a Mama D attendee.

As always, the themed prizes and inspiration for this trivia contest will be kept secret until the night of the show...

NAME______________________________________
EMAIL:_____________________________________

SEX IN THE 1980'S TRIVA CONTEST

1. In 1983, scandalous Palm Beach social climber Roxanne Pulitzer was accused of performing “unnatural acts” with which musical instrument?

A. Tuba
B. Saxophone
C. Trumpet
D. Zither

2. Which famous New York City sex club was shut down by the Health Department in 1985?

A. Plato’s Retreat
B. Aristotle’s Grotto
C. Socrates’ Cave
D. The Fuck Hut

3. “Model” Donna Rice is to disgraced 80’s politician Gary Hart as “model” Jessica Hahn is to disgraced 80’s televangelist:

A. Jerry Falwell
B. Jim Bakker
C. Tammy Faye Bakker
D. Jimmy Swaggert

4. Match up the 80’s sex euphemism:

A. Knockin’........... 1. Wild Thing
B. Gettin’.............. 2. Injection
C. Doin’ the................ 3. Boots
D. The Hot Beef........... 4. Busy

5. Complete this 1984 Prince song lyric:
“I knew a girl named Nikki I guess you could say she was a sex queen,
Met her in a hotel lobby masturbating with_____________________”

A. a tub of margarine
B. Jared’s submarine
C. a magazine
D. Mean Joe Green