Check it, Peons: Your CNN Humiliation Compartmentalized

Friday, May 27, 2011


Check it out!
One of you fabulous, globe-trotting motherfuckers has helped Mama D's Arts Bordello tap into the South Korean market!
Look at our flyer, nestled amongst all that Korean reading material. It brings a tear of joy to my eyes.
Thank you--or should I say, 감사합니다!

Thursday, May 26, 2011


Last Saturday I had one of those sappy, emotional moments that make me cringe when they're depicted in films. (They're often accompanied by some over-played Peter Gabriel song.) I went to a "Meet the New Baby" gathering. Some friends were in town from DC, and they held it at a relative's beautiful Upper West Side apartment.

So, a bunch of us pals were gathered together, goofing off. I looked around the room at everyone laughing, telling stories, dancing, mocking The End of The World, eating salami and cheese, passing the baby around, Googling The Mandrell Sisters and playing with the dog. I suddenly realized that I'd known most of these kick ass mischief makers for 10 years or more.

And I felt overwhelmed by gratitude. Not just for the people at that party, but for all of my long-time friends.

Because here's the thing: I'm not a diligent friend. I'm not the glue that keeps us together. I never pick up the phone (mostly because I hate the damn thing.) I have forgotten birthdays. I have put off visits for longer than I should...and yet you fine people still keep me in the mix. Because of your generosity and willingness to look past my shortcomings, I have so many unbelievably wonderful, smart, cool and kind friends. You've invited me to your weddings, your son's Brit milah, your birthday parties and you've sent me artwork from your kids. You've supported Mama D's Arts Bordello and all sorts of wacky bullshit I've thrown in your direction.

I honestly don't know how I got so lucky and I sure as hell don't deserve all of you. So thanks for sticking with me. I love you more than I let on...even if you know damn well this post is about the only proof you'll get.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011


Attention crooks and criminals, hooligans and hustlers!
Prepare to get your mugshot taken on June 3rd at Mama D's Arts Bordello.
We'll put you in our Gallery of Ruffians before sending you to The Slammer...

Friday, May 20, 2011


Last night a few cohorts and I went to Elaine's. I've lived in New York for nine years now, and I'd never set foot in it.
It's a storied New York institution born in 1963. For decades, proprietor/ringmaster Elaine Kaufman ran the joint, always sitting at her table, making introductions between authors, actors, cops and journalists. Elaine's was featured prominently in Woody Allen's movie "Manhattan" and name dropped in Billy Joel's song "Big Shot".

Elaine passed away at the age of 81, six months ago. And sadly, now her restaurant is set to close on May 26th.

As the scene in "Manhattan" shows, Elaine's is from an era when sitting with friends at an understated restaurant, having a drink and talking about interesting shit was the height of cool. Imagine that! It was cool to be smart. It was cool to try to impress your date with your varied cultural references. You quoted Camus and pretended to have read Kierkegaard's lesser works. You saw Bergman films at art house theatres with uncomfortable seats. You had a collection of rare jazz records you showed off in your dimly lit apartment.

And sure, maybe at a certain point this became insufferable. Maybe as my mom always says, "When you talk too much shit you get bad breath."

But it's sad that we've moved so far away from this era. When my guy and I walked outside of Elaine's last night and said goodbye to our pals, we strolled down 2nd Ave for a bit. We ran smack into a gaggle of stupid hoochie bitches dancing around their SUV. The doors and sunroof were wide open and they were blaring Ke$ha. They were starving for attention: some of them grinding up on each other, some of them singing; their arms pumping up and down out of the sun roof. When we didn't stare at them as much as they wanted, one of them pointed at us and shrieked at my guy: "You need to go home and FUCK HER! FUCK HER HARD! She wants it! She so fucking wants it! FUCK HERRRRRRR!"

It was tragic.

So he said politely, "Thanks for the tip, ladies" as we kept walking past.

But oddly enough, their pathetic grab for attention and unsophisticated approach to getting it made me think of Elaine Kaufman. Unlike these morons, Elaine got plenty of attention by creating a lively art salon in her restaurant. She took the opposite approach. She cultivated a cult of clever. She fostered an atmosphere where witty, talented people reigned supreme.

Elaine Kaufman became (in her words) "a fucking icon" by making smart people cool.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011


"Gino had never visited a whorehouse. Unlike his friends, he had never needed to. Fresh, young pussy was plentiful on the street for him."
-Jackie Collins

Fellow Peons, this is a beautiful day. Maybe not for Arnold Schwarzenegger, who found fresh, young pussy among his own household staff and now has to pay the price, but it's a great day for us here on Peon Confidential.

Yes, one of you long time readers made Jackie Collins' Meatloaf Recipe and sent in photos to prove it! I must say, I am deeply impressed: both by your cooking skills and your beautiful stove. My stove is as temperamental as a drug addicted televangelist and about as useless. One burner only emits extreme heat while the other only emits low. The other two don't work. The oven is hotter in the front than the back and dips in the middle.

But enough about that piece of shit. Check out these gorgeous pictures of the most glamorous meatloaf ever!

First Photo: Getting started! Note the Jackie Collins' Meatloaf Recipe in the distance.

Second Photo: Mixing up the fresh, young meat.

Third photo: Baking the meaty deliciousness.

Fourth photo: Jackie Collins' Meatloaf, sliced and ready to devour.

Fifth photo: A Hollywood style romantic dinner for two!

Saturday, May 14, 2011


Hello fellow Peons!
I have returned from Florida: bronzed, relaxed and better acquainted with Jimmy Buffet songs than I'd like to be.
But it was great to come home. You know why? Because the doorman presented me with a box of wonder.
Yes, one of you Peon superstars sent me the special delivery pictured here.
As you can see, it contains Hollywood icon Elizabeth Taylor's glorious book, "My Love Affair With Jewelry".
It's just gorgeous.
But you didn't stop there. Nay! In what may have been a calculated move, you put the book in a box far too large for it...thus necessitating some extra padding. And what did you use? Why, crumpled up gay porn of course! I think the divine Ms. Taylor would have been proud.

Thank you, Gorgeous! I love you. You always know how to make me smile.

Monday, May 02, 2011


I'm thinking it must be annoying as hell to Fox News that President Obama and his administration get credit for the raid on Osama Bin Laden's compound, a raid which resulted in Bin Laden's death.
Yes, it must be a shit eating experience, sitting and watching helplessly as a Democratic president delivers the news that this Mission is Accomplished.

It got me to thinking about how they might spin this news if they could.
I came up with this list:

1. Arrogant Obama Hogs Spotlight In Osama's Death

2. Black Male in D.C. Makes Late Night Confession to Slaying of Old Man With Kidney Disease

3. Obama is Responsible for Prolonged BP Oil Disaster, Unchecked Somali Pirates, and Littering the Ocean With A Corpse: Worst Oceanic President Ever?

4. Black Male in D.C. is Prime Suspect in International Incident

5. Obama Encourages Unruly Gangs Loitering Outside of White House and Elsewhere