Check it, Peons: Your CNN Humiliation Compartmentalized

Showing posts with label Respectfully Yours. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Respectfully Yours. Show all posts

Wednesday, August 03, 2011

PEON CONFIDENTIAL IS NOW PEON ARCHIVES


Hello fellow Peons,

After five years of transcribing tales of CNN heartburn and heartache, I've decided that this blog will remain, but only as part of an online archive of CNN stories. I have added the MOPE (Museum of Peon Exhibits) as a separate page of this blog too.
All other elements of Peon Confidential will eventually be transferred to my revamped website: www.SaaraDutton.com.
And, you can always read more crazy shit on the Mama D's Arts Bordello Facebook page, which is where most of you read and comment now anyway.

So, I'll be cleaning house around here, packing up and moving non-CNN stories over to the new site. And of course, if you have a new or vintage CNN story to get off your over-worked chest, you can always reach me at vjdutton@gmail.com.

I've had such a great time getting back in contact with all of you! Thanks for reading and for sharing your stories. I've really enjoyed this experience--you've given me plenty of laughs and memories.

Even though I'm moving on, I will always be a Peon.

-VJDutton

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

NUDIST CAMPS OF OHIO


So-
I've been making mischief in the Youngstown, Ohio area for the past few days. I swam, bought a pair of Pittsburgh Steelers socks, ate plenty of Italian food and...learned about nudist camps in the region. I was especially interested because a pal of mine mentioned that one of her professors at Youngstown State University told her about a Nudist Camp in BEAVER CREEK.

Yeah.
You heard me.
THE BEAVER CREEK NUDIST CAMP.

You can imagine how much I loved that.
Better yet, she said some nudists parachute into the camp ground wearing nothing but a pair of boots and a parachute.
Naturally, I was compelled to do my own research. And while I never found info about Beaver Creek, I did stumble across a treasure trove of other nude ranches:

ASSORTED NUDIST CAMPS OF OHIO

Looking through all of them, I was especially delighted with the "activities" section. Perhaps delighted is the wrong word. More like astonished. Try picturing people engaging in these activities buck naked:

1. Badminton

2. Volleyball

3. Shuffleboard

4. Pétanque (I have no idea what this is. If I had to guess, I'd say it's a rigorous discussion of French Existentialism.)

5. Canoe Trips

6. Table Tennis

7. Darts

8. Air Hockey

9. Frisbee

And finally, the common denominator at almost every single one of these nudist resorts...

10. HORSESHOES

No joke! Horseshoes! Why are Ohio nudists so obsessed with horseshoes? What's so alluring about playing horseshoes with your cock hanging out? Do they have different rules that I don't know about?

I hate to say this, but I'm sensing the need for another one of my investigative journalism adventures...

Saturday, May 14, 2011

DIAMONDS AND DICKS


Hello fellow Peons!
I have returned from Florida: bronzed, relaxed and better acquainted with Jimmy Buffet songs than I'd like to be.
But it was great to come home. You know why? Because the doorman presented me with a box of wonder.
Yes, one of you Peon superstars sent me the special delivery pictured here.
As you can see, it contains Hollywood icon Elizabeth Taylor's glorious book, "My Love Affair With Jewelry".
It's just gorgeous.
But you didn't stop there. Nay! In what may have been a calculated move, you put the book in a box far too large for it...thus necessitating some extra padding. And what did you use? Why, crumpled up gay porn of course! I think the divine Ms. Taylor would have been proud.

Thank you, Gorgeous! I love you. You always know how to make me smile.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

JACKIE COLLINS' MEATLOAF RECIPE


I love writing this blog.
You know why?
Because you people send me the coolest shit.
Like this morning, one of you sent me a recipe.
But this isn't just any recipe. Hell no! This is JACKIE COLLINS' MEATLOAF RECIPE.
I have no idea where you found this...or even if it's authentic.
But I don't care!
How often do you find "Jackie Collins" and "meatloaf" in the same sentence?
Well I'll tell you: Not very often, bitches. It's a rare treat.
So here it is, presented with love.
And if any of you make this recipe, please email me with the results (and pics too!)

JACKIE COLLINS’ MEATLOAF
2 lbs ground beef or turkey
1 tube tomato paste
Half loaf of wheat breadcrumbs
2 eggs
Small jar spaghetti sauce
2 tablespoons mixed herbs, and lemon herbs
Pinch of garlic salt
1 package Campbell ’s onion soup mix
1 chopped onion
1 yellow pepper

Combine! Mix!
Cook for 45 minutes on 350 degrees.

ENJOY!

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

THE MAGNUM P.I. ESTATE: WINTER RESPITE


So-
It's pretty dreary in NYC today. The snow has mostly melted, except for a few dirty clumps here and there. And of course now the streets are littered with cigarette butts, Coke cans and dog shit people didn't pick up in the snow. Somehow people think if their dog shits in the snow it doesn't count. It's the New York version of, "If a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?"

The point is, I woke up in need of some sunshine. Of course, with my finances in their usual pitiful state, I did not hop on a plane and head for sunnier climes. No, I chose the broke writer's route of looking through some old photos of Hawaii. Some from when I lived there, and some from trips I've taken in the past couple of years. And I thought I'd share the photo above with you, in case you're in the same boat I am. You know, the boat that isn't headed toward a sun-drenched tropical island. This is for those of us in a leaky dinghy.

So what you're looking at is the Magnum P.I. Estate (Robin's Nest) on Oahu! Ah, it's magical.
When my pal and I were visiting Hawaii a couple years back, we lived up to our Magnum P.I. fanatic status and made a special pilgrimage there. Yeah, we couldn't actually get on the estate. So we lurked around like a couple of Magnum crazed hooligans, trying to get a peek through the chain link fence.

But in case you need a refresher, here's what the estate looked like back when everyone's favorite mustachioed private investigator lived there with Higgins and The Lads:


What a great show. I think my favorite episode was "The Jororo Kill". Magnum hunting down a cross-dressing international assassin! Does it get much better than that?

Tell you what--as an added bonus, here's the "lost" episode of Magnum P.I. created by myself and three other writers and performed at a past Mama D's Arts Bordello show. I wrote the first section and passed it on to Mike Ser. He wrote the next section and passed it onto Peter Olson. He then passed it on to Tim O'Mara:

The Curse of The Kok'A'No'Work'A

Enjoy! How's THAT for adding a little sunshine to your life?

Monday, December 20, 2010

THE BORING ELITIST CHANNEL (BEC)


So-
I've noticed that a lot of channels I used to love (such as A&E and the History Channel) have drastically changed their programming. They are nothing at all like what they once were. A&E used to have all those wonderful English murder mysteries and Masterpiece Theatre adaptations of classic novels. They were pleasant to watch and great background TV for napping. Now it's filled with shit like "Dog the Bounty Hunter" and "Billy The Exterminator". I doubt their current audience even knows that A&E once stood for "Arts and Entertainment", seeing as how they offer neither now.

Same goes for The History Channel. It used to be my go-to channel for historical mysteries and political documentaries. Now it's jam packed with crap like "Ice Road Truckers" and "Pawn Stars".

Now, I understand these channels need ratings. And perhaps the dull stuff I liked wasn't bringing in the numbers. So, I can't fault them for making these changes.

But it seems to me that TV is so niche oriented these days that there ought to be enough of an audience to sustain The Boring Elitist Channel.
Are you out there TV moguls?
Then check this:
You know all those tedious costume dramas, historical accounts and documentaries? Put 'em all on The Boring Elitist Channel. Make it known that this channel is for uncool, literature/history loving assholes like me. Be unabashed about it. Be loud and proud about your highbrow, elitist TV content. Call it TV for people who like polysyllabic words.

It just might be successful.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

SAVE FREDERICA WILSON'S HAT COLLECTION!


This is a call to arms!
Due to some arcane, Daconian rule dating back to the 1800s, newly elected Florida representative Frederica Wilson will have to forsake her glorious hat collection while on the House floor!

This fashionable lawmaker has over 300 hats. In fact, she has a room in her house devoted to them. If these hats are all as sublime as the one pictured here, how can we the American people be deprived of seeing them? Imagine how much more stimulating CSPAN would be with Frederica Wilson's colorful hats; festooned with rhinestones, feathers and sequins. I know I'd be proud to obey any laws passed while Frederica Wilson was wearing one of her divine hats.

Sure, Ms. Wilson will be pressing House Speaker John Boehner to overturn this cruel rule. But we can't afford to sit back and do nothing.

Fellow Americans, stand tall. Write your local Congressman. Demand the right to enjoy Frederica Wilson's hat collection!

Tuesday, November 09, 2010

ROCK N' ROLL SALVATION: DEBBIE HARRY'S SNEER


I've decided that the next Mama D's Arts Bordello theme is: "Rock n' Roll Salvation".

Description? A lyric from David Bowie, "Until there was rock you only had God."

Thus, today we pay our respects to rock n' roll goddess Debbie Harry.

I have always loved this woman, from the minute I knew what rock n' roll was.
Her icy beauty; frozen between a slap and a kiss is legendary.
Her incredibly marketable voice; sometimes bitchy, sometimes cooing was the bridge between punk and new wave.

And more than anything-that mouth. That gorgeous sneer that says come worship me...but not too close.
It says fuck you if you don't take me seriously.
It says I am an icon, whether you like it or not.

Let's give it up for trailblazer Debbie Harry.
Her glorious mix of punk credo and Hollywood glamour; all wrapped up in a bleached blonde cartoon will never be topped:

BLONDIE: DETROIT 442

P.S. Kudos to Mama D's cohort Mike Ser for putting together the cool split screen for this post.

Saturday, October 30, 2010

HAPPY HAUNTINGS!


Happy Halloween weekend everyone! I hope you all have a deliciously spooky time, and that no one in your neighborhood gives out "nature's candy" (i.e. raisins) as Halloween treats.
Check it out--here's my costume. Guess which one is the real Andy Warhol?

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

ALTERNATE IDEAS FOR JACKIE COLLINS MERCHANDISE


It has been well-established that I love author Jackie Collins. So when I heard she opened up an on-line Jackie Collins store, I was excited:
JACKIE COLLINS MERCHANDISE

Now, the keychains and notebooks are nice enough. But I have a few ideas to spice things up a bit.
Jackie, if you're reading this, I think your hardcore fans like me might appreciate some of these items:

1. Jackie Collins brand condoms: "The Cock Sock of Rock Stars"

2. The Jackie Collins Database Management System: "The Only Software Application That Gets You Hard"

3. The patented two-in-one Jackie Collins Pooper Scooper/Bedazzler: "Tired of ordinary dog shit? Bedazzle it!"

4. Jackie Collins brand Feminine Deodorant Spray. Comes in three scents: The Movie Mogul Magnet, The Washed Up Actor Repellent, and The Sweet Smell of Success

5. The Jackie Collins brand Potato Harvester: "For all your Potato Farming Needs"

Update:
I'm not sure if it was really her, but "Jackie Collins" left a message on my voicemail: "What the hell is going on around here? A Jackie Collins Potato Harvester? Whose idea of a joke is this? How many of these did we order? You're fired!"

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

THE DOG HOUSE TAVERN ON WHIDBEY ISLAND


The Dog House Tavern is a weathered, red wooden structure built by the Olympic Game Club in 1908. Over the years it has hosted vaudeville shows, prize fights, silent movie screenings, proms, basketball games, temperance meetings, and all night gambling events. Boozy gamblers would sleep on cots in the upstairs room to avoid the "dog house" status awaiting them with their wives at home. During prohibition in 1933 it officially became The Dog House Tavern.

Being such an old, rickety looking building, many Whidbey Islanders wondered if The Dog House would collapse under the weight of history and rain, sliding into the Puget Sound one dark night. But The Dog was built tough. It could withstand generations of poker faced cheaters, rustlers, hustlers and midnight floozies.

Now this historic building might disappear in a different way. It's up for auction on April 23rd, and its fate remains uncertain. [UPDATE: The auction has been postponed for a week.] If someone buys The Dog House just to tear it down, I'll be heartbroken...even if the food there often gave me heartburn.

The Dog House Tavern played a central role in my teenage years. Nobody there gave a shit if we sat in the restaurant area; singing sitcom theme songs, annoying the paying customers while we drank water or nursed one cup of coffee. They never complained if someone sat by the totem pole at the backdoor, practicing three chords on a guitar. Occasionally, someone would put a quarter in the player piano and we'd ironically dance until tourists would want to take our picture. Then we'd sneer at them and leave.

They hired teenagers too. One of my friends worked in the kitchen, and rumor had it he would spit in the Principal's chili when he came in. (This may have actually improved the flavor of the chili.)

Underneath The Dog House was a cave called "The Pleasure Dome". Admittedly, whoever named it this either had a fanciful imagination or very low standards. Because all you'd find inside were a stained mattress, some empty beer cans and a couple of used condoms.

But The Dog House deserves to be saved. It's an iconic piece of Pacific Northwest history. Families ate there, actors performed there, tourists boozed up there, and once I saw my dentist dressed in a devil's costume darting in there.

Of course, when I lived on Whidbey Island, I was never old enough to sit in the saloon area. So I'd love to go back there, stride through those swinging doors and take my seat at the bar where so many other misbehaved ramblers came before me.

Friday, February 12, 2010

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU, PEON CONFIDENTIAL READERS!


Hello young lovers! (And you old fuckers too, of course.)
Just wanted to wish you all a happy Valentine's Day weekend.
I also wanted to thank you for taking the time to read this blog. As we're all painfully aware, there are so many distractions, obligations and time thieves out there today, so I'm really grateful to those of you who manage to find room in your busy lives for this ridiculous blog.
So consider this a virtual box of chocolates. But without any of the crappy ones that you take a bite of and put back in the box for some other sorry bastard to find.

Lots of love to you!

P.S. On Monday, I'll assault you with the opening paragraph of my novel and maybe you can tell me what you think.

Monday, October 26, 2009

ANNE GEDDES, MOVE OVER



So-
Several months ago, I wrote a couple of posts about my friend who arranged to have a tank of top grade sperm transported across the country...
Part 1: QUALITY EJACULATE SELECTION
She even did a bit of guest blogging...
Part 2: EJACULATE UPDATE

One of you recently asked what happened to my friend. It was a cliffhanger and you were left hanging, you said. Well, I'm glad you asked...
You see that glorious picture above?
That's what happened!
(For more info, check out my friend's blog: CONNOTATION AND DENOTATION)
But isn't that the greatest baby picture you've ever seen?

Anne Geddes and her creepy foliage-wrapped infants have been trumped.

The only thing this photo lacks is a good caption. If you've got one, lay it on us!

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

MARGE SIMPSON GRACES PLAYBOY MAGAZINE



I'm a collector of vintage Playboy magazines. The issues from 1960-1977 are fantastic.  While the standard joke used to be about "reading Playboy for the articles", the truth is that some of America's finest authors were published in Playboy's glossy pages:  John Updike, Joyce Carol Oates, Kurt Vonnegut Jr., George Plimpton, and Hunter S. Thompson all offered up their prose in between photos luscious naked women. The magazine was witty, urbane and stylish.

Then the late 1980's hit and it all went downhill. The magazine started to look cheap. The women looked trashy. The articles weren't as good. The whole enterprise seemed like an outdated, pathetic relic.

Even my father, who had always subscribed to Playboy (delivered to his clinic, no less) cancelled his subscription.

Things only got worse with the rise of internet porn. Charmless spankers just got on line to leer at women for free, and Playboy magazine languished at the newsstand.

Which is why for years I've said that Playboy should get back to its roots: top quality writing, humor and  tips on how to create a sophisticated bachelor den. Return to more stylized nudes and photo shoots. Give people something they're not getting on line.

So when I saw Marge Simpson in a rather 1960's pose on the cover, plus a new piece of fiction by Stephen King, I was impressed. This is an issue I will buy. It's a fresh new direction with a nod to the past. A perfect combination.

Keep it up Playboy! Now all you need is to hire me as a writer and you'll really have a sensational publication...

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

PAUL BURKE TRIBUTE




An actor I knew named Paul Burke died today. Not only did he star in one of my favorite movies of all time, "Valley Of The Dolls" but he was an incredibly kind man.
I actually performed a scene from Macbeth for him, asking for his honest opinion if I should pursue acting. He'd confided to my father beforehand that he planned to deter me, because acting is such a cruel  profession.

But after I performed, he just looked at me and said, "Go for it kid. You got raw, natural talent."

The above photo is us in Palm Springs, just after that performance. And yes, I'm wearing a costume. For some reason, I thought my mom's sparkly scarf made me look like Lady Macbeth.

I miss you,  Paul Burke.

Monday, August 17, 2009

MEXICAN CHEF NEEDED


While it doesn't happen very often here on Peon Confidential, we occasionally do something valuable. For example, we once helped a student from University of Michigan pursue his dream of becoming a CNN Peon.
But like I say, this do-good stuff is a rarity. It happens once a year, like a pap smear or a 4th of July picnic.

So I am happy to announce that the opportunity to contribute to the world via this weird little blog is upon us.

Today I checked my VJ Dutton account and saw that someone had left a comment on an ancient post about a Mexican chef who was deported from England. He wrote:
I need a mexican chef for a new venture, if possible and this chef reads this please contact me at ricardo6312@hotmail.com

Cheers,
Ricardo

Ricardo, here's your spotlight on Peon Confidential. The word is out! If any of you Peons have leads, please contact him. As for me, I sincerely hope this venture is in London. I could rest easier knowing there is at least one decent Mexican restaurant amongst all the delicious Indian and Lebanese establishments.

UPDATE: It appears that Peon Confidential has become the go-to spot to place want ads for Mexican chefs! We've had another person write in with their contact info for a new venture in the Hamptons: paul.thompson01@btconnect.com

Monday, April 27, 2009

FAREWELL, BEA ARTHUR


Over the weekend, my favorite Golden Girl Bea Arthur passed away. She was 86. Bea spent the early part of her career on Broadway, and did not appear on television until she was 50, when she was cast on "Archie Bunker" as Edith's liberal relative, Maude. This led to a spin off show called "Maude". But to me, her finest moments were on the "Golden Girls".

As I mentioned in the previous post, I just visited my parents in Florida, and what my mother told me is true: my dad is hooked on The Golden Girls reruns. He tunes in every morning.

The following is my very favorite Golden Girls scene. Anytime you can blend hilarity with a message about safe sex is aces with me. This scene is from a Valentine's Day episode. Blanche, Rose and Dorothy are at the pharmacy before leaving for a cruise:

Blanche: In this day in age it might be a good idea to take along some... protection.
Rose: What kind of protection?
Dorothy: Two armed Pinkerton guards. No, Blanche is talking about... [indicates a nearby counter]
Rose: A Nestle's Crunch?
Dorothy: One over.
Rose: An enema bag?
Dorothy: To the right.
Rose: Dentu-Grip?!
Dorothy: CONDOMS, ROSE! CONDOMS, CONDOMS, CONDOMS!
Cashier: Calm down, lady! You just get out of prison?

Blanche: There's no reason to be embarrassed! Now these are discreet professionals. This is a private matter. Whatever we buy is nobody's business but our own! [picks up a package of condoms off the counter and hands it to the cashier] I'd like a package of these, please.
Dorothy: [grabs another package of condoms and hands it to the cashier] And I'll take these.
Rose: [looks around nervously, then tentatively grabs a random package of condoms off the counter and hands it to the cashier] ...and I'll take these.
Blanche: Now, that wasn't so bad, was it?
Cashier: [speaking into his microphone] JOE, I NEED A PRICE CHECK ON SOME CONDOMS! THESE THREE LADIES HERE WANT A COUPLE OF BOXES OF THE KING GEORGE PROPHYLACTICS, THE LAMBSKINS AND THE ULTRA-SENSITIVE. TWO OF THEM HAVE THE LAMBSKINS, AND THE BLONDE HAS THE ULTRA-SENSITIVE IN BLACK.

BONUS: CONDOMS CONDOMS CONDOMS!

Monday, March 23, 2009

EVERYBODY TODAY IS TURNIN' ON

This video is for a very special Peon.
I should have waited for our CNN anniversary, but it's just too good.
Lots of love to you!

Monday, December 08, 2008

SANTA, MAKE IT A PROMISCUOUS KOALA FOR ME!


So-
I have found the perfect gift for that special someone on your list...
For a paltry 40 bucks a year, you can adopt a koala:
ADOPT A WILD KOALA
Cool right?
But I don't recommend adopting just any koala.
There is no finer way of showing someone you care than presenting them with a certificate that states they've adopted Bago Babe, a koala with chlamydia! And look at her--isn't the little tramp cute?
You've also got to make sure to include her description with your gift. You could even type it up in some fancy font, or perhaps write it in calligraphy on an elegant piece of stationary:

Bago...had a very strange offensive smell exuding from her chest, neck, and upper arms that had us a little mystified as to what it could be. She also had signs of staining around her rear quarters, indicative of Chlamydia, and she was also tending to dribble quite a bit.


Bago Babe is my STD ridden holiday dream come true. I love you Bago!