Check it, Peons: Your CNN Humiliation Compartmentalized

Thursday, August 27, 2009

THE OFFICIAL CNN CUM STAIN


I was out with a CNN pal last night, enjoying cocktails in the retro darkness of Campbell's Apartment at Grand Central Terminal.
We got to talking about the CNN Atlanta experience, and how you don't really move to Atlanta, you move to CNN when you accept the job from out of state. It's such a strange, all-consuming bubble existence, and people work such peculiar hours that your life is tied up in CNN Center. You work with these people. You party with these people. You play softball with these people. You fuck these people. You occasionally fuck these people on CNN premises...

Case in point: As a brand new employee, eyes shining with excitement, this pal of mine was given a tour of CNN Center. The tour guide pulled back a curtain in one of the edit bays to point out a cum stain left behind by two horny employees. This humble cum stain had become a a CNN artifact, a newsroom curiosity. The tour guide even mentioned the fornicating couple by name, thus lending credibility to the legend. Now, I highly doubt that these two were the only couple to ever have sex in an edit bay, but they are the only ones with the foresight to leave some evidence behind to solidify their place in CNN history.

Bravo, I say.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

DREAM CNN ANCHOR RECIPES


A devoted Peon Confidential reader named Vidiot recently left this comment:
It was great to work with Ralitsa [Vassiliva]-- among other things, she gave me her mom's recipe for potato salad, which I still make. I mean, pleasant conversation is one thing, but a killer potato-salad recipe is forever.

This is superb news. I love that Vidiot is still impressing hungry crowds with Ralitsa's recipe.

But it got me to thinkin':
Which other recipes would I like to have from CNN legends?
Here's what I came up with:

1. Anderson Cooper's Coq Au Vin

2. Larry King's Stewed Prunes

3. Kiran Chetry's Marshmallow Fudge

4. Nancy Grace's Steamed Clam(s)

5. Susan Rook's Twice Baked Potatoes

6. Don's Lemon Meringue Pie

7. Wolf Blitzer's Cheese Blintzes

8. Lynn Russell's Jalapeno Poppers

9. Lou Dobb's Chimichangas

10. And of course...Roz The Famed Hashslinger's Turkey Tetrazznini

What about you?

Monday, August 24, 2009

PRICELESS CNN MOMENT


Good Morning Peons!
I'm happy to brighten your Monday with a vintage story from a CNN pioneer. A control room veteran known as Oy The Audio Man stumbled on Peon Confidential. He wrote in and said:
"I was one of the Original employees at Atlanta, and signed on before CNN went on the air, or the building was even completed. I was scheduled to be in the building 14 hours a day, and was usually there more. I worked 7 days a week for over 3 months, and therefore was there for a lot of incidents. Especially as most nights I slept in the equipment/props storage area on the Sandy Freeman Show furniture. So in many cases when hell broke loose somebody woke me up to help."

As you can imagine, this man has plenty of great tales, but one in particular was my favorite. It's proof that the transition from ancient paper TelePrompter to modern newsroom technology was not so smooth:
"The computer-fed prompter put up a nasty letter of resignation by error. [Anchor] Bob Cain was reading and it started out, 'I'd like to inform you of the passing of something near and dear to me at CNN - myself.' Then it got really nasty. After about 20 seconds of reading, Bob looked at the control area and said, 'Do you really want me to go on reading this?'"

Beautiful. Oy the Audio Man--keep 'em coming please!

Friday, August 21, 2009

MOM'S TOP 10 HOUSECLEANING SOUNDTRACK


So-
I was at a discount department store the other day, escaping the heat, caressing angora sweaters, when "He's So Shy" by The Pointer Sisters came over the sound system.

It put me in a trance. I was whisked back to being a kid. Saturday afternoon. Mom's cleaning. I'm helping. She's annoyed because Dad is not. This means she turns up the radio as loud as possible, just to piss him off. One of those stations that plays "The greatest hits of yesterday and today!" You know this station: it's almost impossible to tell the songs of yesterday apart from the songs of today because it's all the same non-threatening sonic slush. But it's still just kicky enough to put a swing in your step while mopping the floor. If you play any of these songs, I can almost hear the vacuum humming and smell the Pine Sol...

1. "Caribbean Queen" by Billy Ocean

2. "Sad Songs (Say So Much)" by Elton John

3. "Conga" by Gloria Estefan

4. "Breakout" by Swingout Sister

5. "I've Had The Time of My Life" by Bill Medley and Jennifer Warnes (The Dirty Dancing soundtrack)

6. "Higher Love" by Steve Winwood

7. "Baby Baby" by Amy Grant

8. "Easy Lover" by Phil Collins

9. "Baby Hold On" by Eddie Money

10. "Young Turks" by Rod Stewart

BONUS: The Pointer Sisters should be in an honorary Housecleaning Soundtrack Hall of Fame because in addition to "He's So Shy", they also provided "Jump (for My Love)" "I'm So Excited" "Automatic" and The Neutron Dance".

Now...do you have any songs to add?

Thursday, August 20, 2009

BLIND ITEM #15


Which CNN personality displayed grace under fire when an attendee collapsed at her book party? A spy says she bent over the fallen attendee, revealing her control top pantyhose, made sure everything was okay and kept right on fielding questions from the crowd.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

SEX IN THE 1980’s TRIVIA CONTEST


So-
The next Mama D's Arts Bordello, "ORGASMIC!", is not until Friday, October 2nd.
And we just know you're aching with anticipation.
As such, we're trying out a new concept for the show.
I'm giving you the Trivia Contest in advance.
Feel free to cheat. Go ahead and Google the answers or ask your pals, print it out and bring it to the show if you want.
Consider this a fringe benefit of being both a Peon Confidential reader and a Mama D attendee.

As always, the themed prizes and inspiration for this trivia contest will be kept secret until the night of the show...

NAME______________________________________
EMAIL:_____________________________________

SEX IN THE 1980'S TRIVA CONTEST

1. In 1983, scandalous Palm Beach social climber Roxanne Pulitzer was accused of performing “unnatural acts” with which musical instrument?

A. Tuba
B. Saxophone
C. Trumpet
D. Zither

2. Which famous New York City sex club was shut down by the Health Department in 1985?

A. Plato’s Retreat
B. Aristotle’s Grotto
C. Socrates’ Cave
D. The Fuck Hut

3. “Model” Donna Rice is to disgraced 80’s politician Gary Hart as “model” Jessica Hahn is to disgraced 80’s televangelist:

A. Jerry Falwell
B. Jim Bakker
C. Tammy Faye Bakker
D. Jimmy Swaggert

4. Match up the 80’s sex euphemism:

A. Knockin’........... 1. Wild Thing
B. Gettin’.............. 2. Injection
C. Doin’ the................ 3. Boots
D. The Hot Beef........... 4. Busy

5. Complete this 1984 Prince song lyric:
“I knew a girl named Nikki I guess you could say she was a sex queen,
Met her in a hotel lobby masturbating with_____________________”

A. a tub of margarine
B. Jared’s submarine
C. a magazine
D. Mean Joe Green

Monday, August 17, 2009

MEXICAN CHEF NEEDED


While it doesn't happen very often here on Peon Confidential, we occasionally do something valuable. For example, we once helped a student from University of Michigan pursue his dream of becoming a CNN Peon.
But like I say, this do-good stuff is a rarity. It happens once a year, like a pap smear or a 4th of July picnic.

So I am happy to announce that the opportunity to contribute to the world via this weird little blog is upon us.

Today I checked my VJ Dutton account and saw that someone had left a comment on an ancient post about a Mexican chef who was deported from England. He wrote:
I need a mexican chef for a new venture, if possible and this chef reads this please contact me at ricardo6312@hotmail.com

Cheers,
Ricardo

Ricardo, here's your spotlight on Peon Confidential. The word is out! If any of you Peons have leads, please contact him. As for me, I sincerely hope this venture is in London. I could rest easier knowing there is at least one decent Mexican restaurant amongst all the delicious Indian and Lebanese establishments.

UPDATE: It appears that Peon Confidential has become the go-to spot to place want ads for Mexican chefs! We've had another person write in with their contact info for a new venture in the Hamptons: paul.thompson01@btconnect.com

Thursday, August 13, 2009

A NEW CLERMONT LOUNGE LEGEND IS BORN



So, I had a bit of a panic attack when I read that The Clermont Hotel is facing foreclosure. As those of you who live in Atlanta can testify, The Clermont Hotel is also home to the delectably seedy strip club, The Clermont Lounge. This is where Blondie, the fabulous 60-year-old stripper crushes beer cans between her tits. (She used to charge $5 per can crushing, but now with inflation it's $10.)

This club was also immortalized on Salon: BATHROOM CONFIDENTIAL. (Just go ahead and click on it. I wrote it. And yes, perhaps "immortalized" is a bit strong.)

But yesterday, I received an e-mail that calmed all my fears. I now know that this place will never go out of business. Not when hard working, inventive employees like this are on the payroll:

Last night, I had drinks with a friend from college that lives in Atlanta. She tells me that she had a friend in town and took said friend to The Clermont Lounge. Blondie was still there, BUT, now, Blondie's niece named Chandra works there. As exciting as that is, I wondered: Does Chandra smash the PBR cans w/ her tits too? Oh no, not so. Chandra puts the cans between her ass cheeks and with no help of her hands crushes the cans! So, of course, my first question was: Does she insert the can horizontally or vertically? The answer: Horizontally!

She puts the can in, taps her ass playfully, then removes her hands and with one swift unassisted ass flex, she crushes the can between the cheeks...and the can cannot be seen once it's crushed. It goes into recycle heaven between the buttocks! I'm not sure I would want that can, even if it is worth a nickel.

Seeing Chandra use her ass as a trash compactor is absolutely worth a trip to Atlanta. Who's with me?

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

DARYN KAGAN T-SHIRT MYSTERY SOLVED


A year and a half later, it took one boozy, humid summer Sunday for one particular New York Peon to crack.
The result?
I finally know who sent me the above Daryn Kagan t-shirt.
So to you two delicious fire crackers--a kiss, a validated ticket for the CNN parking decks and my eternal gratitude...

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

A 14th STREET REQUIEM FOR FOXY LADY


The truth is, I'm devastated.
People often bemoan the gentrification of New York. I've even turned the concept into a Mama D's show, and delivered a LOST NEW YORK speech about it, dressed as Mayor Mike Bloomberg.
But it really hit home the other day, when I took the above photo.
It's truly the end of an era. The demise of a trashy wonderland called FOXY LADY.

Now, I never bought a single lycra, rhinestoned, pleather, rayon, fringed, sequined, sparkly, highly flammable item from this store.
But I respected this place.
I figured with a name like that, it must have been there since the 1970's.
I imagined legions of soon to be knocked up teenagers fingering the cheap underpants for sale.
I pictured the yeast infections from the denim coochie cutters and hoochie squeezing vinyl pants.
I visualized illegally purchased beer-fueled encounters with guys at the video arcade while wearing FOXY LADY attire.

So to see that it's gone out of business makes me dab the tears from my eyes with my Lee Press On Nails.
Because this was not a chain.
It was the only "Hey Trish, what tight, sleazy, cheap outfit are we gonna wear to Barry's party on Saturday?" discount store of its kind.

And you know that there's no way another proprietor is going to move into this space and keep that name.
That name is from a bygone era. There will never be another FOXY LADY clothing store. At least not without irony.

And as I was crying into my gin and tonic about this loss, I looked up other defunct clothing stores around the nation.
Shock and horror!
No more Jay Jacob! No more Chess King! No more Merry Go Round!

Don't believe me? Take a look. I'll bet the place you bought your first pair of parachute pants is on this list:

FASHION FUNERAL

Monday, August 10, 2009

REAL NEW YORK APARTMENT #3


Spotted on Mulberry Street, Little Italy. Now this is real New York living.

(Click to get up close and personal.)

Friday, August 07, 2009

MAMA D'S ARTS BORDELLO PRESENTS: ORGASMIC!

video

Mark your calendars, horn dogs.
Mama D's Arts Bordello will be tantalizing your libido at Parkside Lounge on Friday, October 2nd.
It's a night of raunchy comedy, raucous music, ribald burlesque and racy trivia.
Mama D's Tech Guru and Chairman of Artistic Lunacy, Daniel Figueroa has just created this gorgeous promo to energize your senses...

Thursday, August 06, 2009

HELP SAVE MR. CLUCKY!


This is an abomination!
One of Miami Beach's most high profile residents is getting the boot:
MIAMI BEACH, Fla. – A celebrity rooster and Miami Beach tourist favorite named Mr. Clucky could soon be evicted from the condo he shares with his owner.
The Miami Herald reports that a dramatic city hall plea from Mark Buckley wasn't enough to stop officials from giving city code officers authority to remove Mr. Clucky and his hen girlfriend, Wallflower.
Buckley was also ordered to pay a $50 fine for the rooster, known for perching on the handlebars of his bicycle.
Miami Beach code prohibits keeping poultry and other livestock in residential areas.
But there might still be hope for Mr. Cluckey: Buckley can ask city commissioners for an exception or appeal to the courts.
Mr. Clucky has become a favorite subject of tourist photos and was even grand marshal of a parade.

My theory is that this is what happens when Florida is overrun by bored, fun-crushing members of the Homeowners Association. Bunch of sour pusses.
My Mom and I have long been suspicious of these elected killjoys, and have more than once defied their "No Horseplay" warnings at the pool.

These dull Association bastards are not real Floridians. Florida is the Potluck State--land of pirates, booze smugglers, leathery divorcees in leopard print bikinis, cocaine cowboys, free-wheelin' grannies and night club lotharios. It's populated by wacky Carl Haaisen characters.

As such, Mr. Clucky is a Floridian original, and deserves respect. According to his website, Mr. Clucky believes in "peace, protecting the earth and being kind to animals."

He's a goodwill ambassador. He's Cock of the Miami Beach Walk.

Save Mr. Clucky!

Tuesday, August 04, 2009

THE TOILET BULLY STRIKES AGAIN!


EXTRA EXTRA! It's a breaking news Peon Confidential EXCLUSIVE!

A spy sent me the above photograph and this horrific eyewitness account:
"A sewage pipe has burst at TWC streaming raw sewage onto 58th street...it is currently moving downstream towards 8th Avenue. A little too much fiber in the LKL diet?
It's really gross...it's a river of shit...as I walked back into the building, it reminded me of those videos we've all seen of 3rd world countries and their polluted rivers."

Now, I don't know if you remember, but a few months back Peon Confidential leaked an internal memo about bathroom vandalism at the Time Warner Center. We even tried to guess this crazed vandal's identity.

So I'm thinkin' that whoever it is has taken it up a notch. This hooligan is unstoppable; careening to the next level of depraved toilet rebellion.

Something MUST be done about this situation. How many lives have to be ruined by overstuffed toilets and rivers of sewage before the culprit is apprehended?

It's time to take action.