Check it, Peons: Your CNN Humiliation Compartmentalized

Monday, September 21, 2009


A couple of years ago, I had declared the ironic t-shirt officially dead.
I no longer wanted to see scrawny, pasty Brooklyn guys, faces obscured by "look at my funny facial hair" wandering about in t-shirts that proclaimed,"Geometry is for Squares" or "I'm Popular in South Dakota" or "Missouri loves Company".

"Enough!" I thought. I did not think it would be possible for one of those t-shirts to ever make me laugh again.

I was wrong.

Because when you see a fat Chinese guy sporting an "Italian Stallion" t-shirt while walking a poodle, you realize that there's always an exception to the rule.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009


An actor I knew named Paul Burke died today. Not only did he star in one of my favorite movies of all time, "Valley Of The Dolls" but he was an incredibly kind man.
I actually performed a scene from Macbeth for him, asking for his honest opinion if I should pursue acting. He'd confided to my father beforehand that he planned to deter me, because acting is such a cruel  profession.

But after I performed, he just looked at me and said, "Go for it kid. You got raw, natural talent."

The above photo is us in Palm Springs, just after that performance. And yes, I'm wearing a costume. For some reason, I thought my mom's sparkly scarf made me look like Lady Macbeth.

I miss you,  Paul Burke.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009


Calling all horn dogs...
Cum on down!
Get ready for a sexy night of entertainment from comics Ali Wong, Sean Hart and Mistress Irina, burlesque sensation Fem Appeal and the sonic ecstasy of The Bukkake Klatch.
Plus: The "Sex in the 1980's Trivia Contest" where you can win sleazy prizes galore.
Sure you could stay home and masturbate instead, but why don't you give your hand a rest tonight and enjoy the show.

A mere 5 bucks for this enchanting night. 

DATE: Friday, Oct. 2
TIME: 8pm
PLACE: Parkside Lounge
ADDRESS: 317 E. Houston

Wednesday, September 09, 2009


It's an exciting day here at Peon Confidential!
We're introducing a brand new treat for you.
It's our exclusive "Dyan Cannon Cam" (TM, patent pending.)
Yes, one of you Peons has reached the glorified position of living in Dyan Cannon's LA neighborhood:
Dyan Cannon, Hollywood icon.
Dyan Cannon, Oscar and Golden Globe nominated actress and one-time wife of Cary Grant.
Dyan Cannon, whose Wikipedia entry ends with:
She resides in West Hollywood and can be seen walking her two Chihuahuas, JC and Matilda.
As a member of the ultra exclusive Peon Confidential readership, you now have proof that this is indeed true. You can hold your head high, confident in your elite, Hollywood insider status.

Tuesday, September 08, 2009


Just read this from Reuters:

Drunk Grandmaster Checkmated After Dozing Off

CHENNAI, India – A leading French chess player turned up drunk and dozed off after just 11 moves in an international tournament in Kolkata, losing the round on technical grounds, domestic media reported Friday.
Grandmaster Vladislav Tkachiev arrived for Thursday's match against India's Praveen Kumar in such an inebriated state that he could hardly sit in his chair and soon fell asleep, resting his head on the table, Hindustan Times newspaper reported.
Indian papers carried pictures of the world number 58 sleeping and the organizers' futile attempts to wake his up.
The game was awarded to the Indian on the technical ground of Tkachiev being unable to complete his moves within the stipulated time of an hour and 30 minutes, the paper said.

And what conclusion did I draw from this news item? What's my analysis?
It turns out your hard-working grandpa's favorite saying is true.
Furthermore, it should be taken literally:
If ya snooze, ya lose, buddy.

Thursday, September 03, 2009


I'm a West Coast girl by birth.
I grew up on two islands, with the Pacific Ocean at my doorstep: Oahu, Hawaii and Whidbey Island, Washington.
As a toddler, I ran around naked on Kailua beach, our dog beside me. As a teen, I danced at parties on Double Bluff beach, with bonfires, cheap beer, and a sky full of stars overhead.

But I've lived on the East Coast for several years, and seen plenty of claustrophobic New Yorkers who head west, searching for answers that can only be found by reaching the edge of the continent. And even if textbooks tell us that American freedom is about the right to vote and peaceful demonstration, that's not what comes to mind first...

American freedom is driving up the Pacific Coast Highway, the music cranked up, the sun shining, the ocean sparkling like an obscenely gorgeous sapphire necklace on woman far too young to wear it.

This freedom is a religion. It permeates LA. It's the freedom to re-write history, with no one to scold you for forgetting about the past. It's the freedom of unabashed ambition, unhindered by ghosts. You can recreate yourself. Whether you're an actor shaving years off your age or if you're Born Again, like the people I saw being baptized in the Pacific Ocean.

This is why I think there is something very earnest about this city, even if that defies the cliche. People really do believe in what they're selling. I love that. And to those who see the fake grass in front of homes and apartments and sneer about how phony LA is--that's your perception. Just because the grass is plastic doesn't mean it isn't real. It's just real plastic instead of grass.

See that? I'm an LA disciple already. One great weekend and I'm already enjoying the freedom to create my own reality.

Tuesday, September 01, 2009


I have returned from L.A., where I spent an incredible weekend with a beloved CNNer.
Now I'm looking through my photos.
I know there's a literary/personal/spiritual connection.
Just waiting for it to materialize.
In the are the pieces to my puzzle:

Paparazzi shot, fake grass, Tom Selleck's Star on the Walk of Fame, the entrance to The Beverly Hills Hotel, and a baptism in the Pacific Ocean.