The chronicles of CNN's boot camp known as The VJ Program. We Peon Warriors began meeting here to share humiliating and humorous stories about early encounters with CNN anchors, directors, producers and brutal cafeteria employees. We divulged what it was like to be broke, foolish and referred to not by name but by function.
And while we've moved on in life...the inner Peon still remains.
Check it, Peons: Your CNN Humiliation Compartmentalized
I'm no stranger to salty language. I like a liberal sprinkling of profanities in my daily discourse. I've found that a well-placed curse word can really liven up the dullest dinner party. So when I read about a children's author named Robert Sayegh, I felt an instant connection. This man was recently ejected from a plane in Detroit for dropping the F-Bomb. Now, I'm on the guy's side. He wasn't directing this F-bomb at anyone in particular. And furthermore, the fucking plane wasn't going anywhere. It was just sitting there. For a long time. And you know how fucking annoying that can be. So I can't blame the guy.
Then I started to think of possible books this children's author might want to write. So if you're reading this Robert Sayegh--you're welcome:
1. Goodnight Moon, You Fucking Cocksucker
2. The Cat In The Motherfucking Hat
3. Everyone Shits
4. Fancy Nancy Is A Skank Ass Bitch
5. Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Piece of Shit Day
6. Cloudy With A Chance of My Sweaty Balls Smacking You in Your Fat Fucking Face
7. Fuck the Bunny--He Owes Me Money
8. Curious George Wasn't So Curious After I Punched Him In The Fucking Piehole
9. Where The Wild Motherfuckers Are
10. Oh, The Places You'll Go! (After I Shove My Foot Up Your Ass)
Boy, have I got scoop for you today! A secret Peon Confidential spy sent me an uncorrected, unedited copy of Gwyneth Paltrow's tedious new cookbook, "My Father's Daughter". Let me tell you, I was surprised at some of the recipes that didn't make the cut! So I'm sharing five of Gwyneth Paltrow's recipes that you'll never get to see:
So, I like watching sex on TV. It's a lot less messy than sex in real life and there's less laundry involved. But it seems to me that they get a lot of things wrong. I'll start with these:
10 WAYS SEX IS DIFFERENT ON TV THAN IN REAL LIFE
1. People wake up in the morning, turn over and start making out with the person next to them...without brushing their teeth! Who does this? I don't care how good the sex is, nobody is accosting me with their foul, early morning halitosis.
2. People pull their covers up just over their tits. This way, you know they're naked, but you don't actually see anything. (Judith Light in "Who's the Boss?")
3. People wrap the sheet around them to get a glass of water. They don't do what I do, which is leap out of the bed and run out of eyesight with lightning speed so my thighs are on display for as minimal time as possible.
4. People slip the condom on with no fumbling or swearing...actually, condoms are rarely mentioned. If they are, it's just a sly glance at the condom still in the packet.
5. People fuck in their bras. (Sarah Jessica Parker in "Sex and the City")
6. People thrust three times and magically orgasm in tandem.
7. People are very serious about sex. Unlike me, there is no laughing or Ethel Merman imitations. Also, when it's over, (unlike me) people don't announce, "Well, I'm gonna go scrub my box." (Yeah. I'm a sexual dynamo, skilled in the sensual art of love.)
8. People know it's time to get laid when they hear saxophone music. (Actually, this only happens when I catch reruns of "Magnum P.I.")
9. People fuck on cold hard marble floors or the beach and never complain about the side effects.
10. People use the terms, "let's make love" or "make love to me" with a straight face.
There's nothing like a high quality insult. Delivering them is an art form that seems to be disappearing in a sea of unoriginal expletives and tired hand gestures. So here are a few of my favorite verbal assaults throughout the ages. And if you've got a good one, add it to this steaming pot of bitchery.
1. "Don't be so humble, you're not that great." -Golda Meir to Moshe Dayan
2. "He looks like a female llama who has been surprised in the bath." -Winston Churchill on Charles De Gaulle
3. "It is only too easy to catch people's attention by doing something worse than anyone else has dared to do it before." - Charivari on Claude Monet
4. “He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” -William Faulkner on Ernest Hemingway
5. “Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?” -Ernest Hemingway on William Faulkner
6. "He couldn't ad-lib a fart after a baked-bean dinner."- Johnny Carson on Chevy Chase
7. "Nixon's motto was: If two wrongs don't make a right, try three." -Norman Cousins
8. "He is suffering from halitosis of the intellect." -Harold Ickes on Huey Long
9. "So, you're the man who can't spell 'fuck." -Dorothy Parker to Norman Mailer after publishers had convinced Mailer to replace the word with a euphemism, 'fug,' in his 1948 book, "The Naked and the Dead."
10. "He was born with a silver foot in his mouth." - Ann Richards on George Bush
Apparently, Pork Industry honchos are searching for a new slogan. Sales are stagnant and "The Other White Meat" isn't cutting it anymore. I'd love to sit in on the pork slogan brainstorming sessions. Tell ya what fellas, here are a few ideas I came up with, just off the top of my head:
1. Stab Your Fork Into Some Pork
2. Don't Worry, Swine Flu Doesn't Actually Come From Eating Swine
3. This Little Piggy Got Slaughtered And Wound Up On Your Plate
4. Ham It Up Tonight!
5. We Ain't Fakin'-There's Nothin' Better Than Bacon
It occurs to me that people have overlooked some of the lousy messages buried within popular films over the years. Well no more. I'm fed up. It's time to call these classics out, and I'm just the cranky bitch to do it:
1. Forrest Gump: It's better to be naive and ignorant because otherwise you'll get hooked on drugs and die.
2. Pretty Woman: Prostitution is a great way to land a cute, rich guy who buys you lots of expensive stuff.
3. Sixteen Candles: Date rape is totally hilarious!
4. Ratatouille: Rats in the kitchen are adorable!
5. Grease: When you completely change your image and learn to dress like a slut, you get the hot guy and everybody's happy.
6. Dead Poets Society: Pompous, irritating windbags are "inspiring".
7. Patch Adams: Don't be afraid if your doctor is some nutjob wearing a clown nose.
8. Twilight: Pasty stalkers who watch you sleep are "romantic".
9. The Wizard of Oz: If you magically find yourself in a beautiful place with great friends and cool shoes, it's still better to go back to the dusty, dreary shithole you came from.
10. Pretty In Pink: That guy who really loves and understands you, who is sweet, funny and kind? Yeah. Forget him and go for the rich asshole who was too embarrassed to be seen with you.
So- I recently came across an article about two people who were caught having sex in a K-Mart bathroom. It struck me that this would not have been nearly as embarrassing if they were caught in a cool L.A. club. Or perhaps a chic NY restaurant. But a K-Mart bathroom is pretty horrific. Then I started to think about other mortifying places to be caught in the act. I came up with this list:
1. On top of the kitchen table in the above photo
2. At Sears Portrait Studio, in front of the "woodland" backdrop
3. At Costco, behind a massive stack of pickle jars
So- I recently stumbled across this picture of SPAM flavored macadamia nuts. To anyone outside of Hawaii, this concept sounds appalling. Criminal, even. But if you've ever lived in Hawaii, it makes perfect sense. Military personnel stationed in Hawaii during World War II introduced the locals to the canned delight that is SPAM. It was an instant hit and remains so to this day. I think it's because the salty flavor blends well with some of their traditional foods. Then I started to think about other concepts that only make sense in their own environment. I came up with this list:
1. The Prytania Movie Theatre in New Orleans. I'd take my seat and notice other patrons would bring in their dogs, parrots, massive plates of spaghetti from home, and daiquiris from the drive-thu daiquiri place around the corner.
2. Young couples in Rome. It's tough to find a parking spot in Rome, so you tend to circle around and around the city until you find one. The first time around, you'll see a couple screaming and yelling at each other. You'll go around again and see the same couple, except one of them is crying. The next time you see them, they're practically fucking in the street. All of this happens within 15 minutes.
3. English men and their profound need to get naked for no apparent reason: "Let's have a naked race down the High Street! Let's ride motorbikes naked! I took a photo of my penis during your wedding reception! Look at me and my mates--we're naked in the pub!"
4. The nonchalant Washington State attitude towards rain.
5. St. Urho's Day. I keep trying to spread the good news on the East Coast. But no one's buying it.
Now that's pretty disturbing. But why doesn't this funeral director have a proper hearse? There's no respect for tradition these days. It seems completely inappropriate that you can just cart corpses around in any old vehicle with a laminated sign stuck to the windshield. Especially a minivan for fuck's sake. I'd even back a new law preventing this from shit from happening again.
Then I started to think about other activities that are best not done in a minivan. I came up with this list:
For those of you who missed it, the U.S. Supreme Court just served up our 50 States on a silver platter to corporate interests yesterday. Corporations are now free to influence our political system and can conceivably dictate who wins and who gets stuck on the shitter without toilet paper or reading materials.
So it occurred to me that many of these corporations really wouldn't have to change their slogans much for their new role as political strongmen. Many of these famous slogans can be recycled. I just made a few subtle tweaks and presto! They're perfect for campaign ads. See for yourself:
Sprite: Obey Your Government
Smuckers: With A Name Like Joe Lieberman, It Has To Be Good
Energizer: Nothing outlasts The Schwarzenegger. He Keeps Going and Going
State Farm: Like A Good Neighbor, Newt Gingrich Is There
GEICO: So Easy Even Sarah Palin Can Do It
L'Oreal: Senator Mike Crapo--Because You're Worth It
Don't ask why, but I went down a winding path of nostalgia yesterday that wound up at Scratch n' Sniff stickers. Then I found the above photo. It surprised me. Because I don't recall them making Scratch n' Sniff stickers scented like crabs, footballs and smelly sneakers. Must have blocked that out. So- In case these stickers are revived for a new generation, might I suggest the top 10 worst potential scents for Scratch n' Sniff stickers. Avoid these aromas at all costs:
1. Any communal phone in any newsroom. No amount of antiseptic wipes can knock out that nasty funk.
2. Rolling Stone Keith Richards' morning breath
3. A fart on an airplane
4. Microwaved tuna
5. The hallway in my building on a Thursday night. Some neighbor has decided that's the night to explore culinary treats plagued with waaaaay too many onions.
6. Port Authority, NYC
7. The third bathroom stall at my gym
8. An Irish pub just after last call and the lights come on
9. CNN's Hard News Cafe Brunswick Stew
10. Flop sweat during the 3rd hour of the Academy Awards broadcast. It has to smell in the Kodak Theatre at that point, right? With a roomful of losers? (Yeah yeah, it's an honor just to be nominated...)
I present you with a list of women that I'm reasonably sure Tiger Woods has not slept with. It's not a long list. But it's what I came up with. And of course, I could be mistaken...
1. Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg 2. TV Personality Barbara Walters 3. That Duggar woman in Arkansas with 18 going on 19 kids whose vagina is probably so cavernous that it: a) has an echo and b) could provide a safe haven for illegal immigrants. Alert Lou Dobbs. 4. Me 5. Rae Dawn Chong (Because he'd have to find her first. Honestly. Where has she been?) 6. French Canadian power balladeer Celine Dion 7. Dog the Bounty Hunter's Buxom Ex-wife 8. Famed CNN Cafeteria Hashslinger Roz 9. Judge Judy 10. Southern Cooking Personality/Flying Ham Victim Paula Deen
With just under a month before the start of a sparkling, new decade, I think it's time for a round up of the trends we've lived through over the past 10 years. I'll even admit to the ones I participated in, and the ones I managed to avoid:
A List of Trends I Managed to Avoid:
1. Crocs 2. Uggs 3. Freedom Fries 4. Wearing copious amounts of red white and blue clothing, pins, and other flag-related paraphernalia during the first 3 months after 9/11 5. Flipping over homes for profit 6. Foreclosure 7. Making a sex tape that was "accidentally" leaked/emailing naughty photos of myself that wound up online 8. Making videos of babies/kittens/dogs and posting them on YouTube 9. Sending said videos to cube mates, hoping they'd experience a "cutegasm" 10. Doing a "Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)" homage 11. Carrying around a yoga mat 12. Ridiculously large/expensive handbags 13. Having a Destination Wedding 14. Showcasing "whale tail" with super low rise jeans 15. Twitter
A List of Trends that I Participated in Willfully:
1. Big, stupid sunglasses 2. Sequins in the daytime 3. The ironic t-shirt 4. Being shut out of/annoyed by the status quo and carving out my own niche as a result 5. Being a Permalance employee 6. Sneering at the plight of the uber-wealthy (post-financial collapse) 7. Over using the prefix "uber" 8. Celebrity schadenfreude 9. Writing a blog 10. Canceling my newspaper subscription because I get my news on line (plus someone was stealing it) 11. Bitching about Reality TV but still watching it 12. Obama mania 13. Palin mockery 14. Hanging out at NY restaurants/clubs with lame one word names (Town, Butter, Sway, Salt,) 15. Facebook
Since most people purchase music by cherrypicking singles now, the album is becoming a dinosaur. The idea of actually listening to an entire album as a cohesive piece of art instead of a collection of singles is antiquated. Who knows, this may be the last decade in which a Top 10 Albums List is even attempted. So I'm taking the opportunity while I can. Obviously, I'm no professional music critic. If you hate this list, or think I've missed something or added something absurd, go ahead and call me a jackass. It won't sting much. But make sure you tell me what you'd have chosen instead. I came up with this list through an unscientific process of looking through my i-tunes play counts, personal preference, and pure whimsy. Have at it, Peon Confidential readers:
1. Is This It? -The Strokes I had just moved to New York when this album came out. I remember standing in the Virgin Record Store in Union Square (which, sadly, like Foxy Lady is no longer there) listening to the whole album, start to finish, wearing those smelly public headphones. I must have looked like a moron, grinning, nodding and closing my eyes for the length of the album. And I'm glad I bought the import CD. The English album cover on the top is a million times more iconic than the American cover:
2. Chutes Too Narrow-The Shins "Garden State" is to "The Graduate" as The Shins are to Simon and Garfunkle. Discuss.
3. The White Stripes-Elephant Shrieking, sexy vocals, bluesy riffs, strange lyrics, red, white and black outfits. Plus, the Led Zeppelin influences are a treat for a Pacific Northwestern girl like me, where Gettin' The Led Out is a regional obsession.
4. Funeral-Arcade Fire
For the sheer number of instruments per song, people on stage and misty eyed hipsters in the audience.
5. Girls Can Tell-Spoon This band manages to turn a song about dad's fitted shirt into a rock anthem. Now that's cool.
6. Speakerboxxx/The Love Below-Outkast Incredible mix of styles from Andre 3000 and Big Boi. "Hey Ya" is perhaps the best single of the decade. I can't picture any other song that could have moved a roomful of dull, pasty CNBC employees at a boring holiday party in a New Jersey hotel to get up and "shake it like a Polaroid picture". Yes, this happened. I witnessed it with my own eyes. Plus, if you never saw this Peanuts remix, do yourself a favor and check it out:
7. Back to Black-Amy Winehouse Show me a woman who hasn't lived Amy's songs at least once and I'll show you a liar.
8. Alright, Still-Lily Allen Yeah, yeah. I can hear the groans from you serious music fans. Well, to borrow the title of another Lily Allen song, Fuck You. This album is like candy. Every song is a delicious pop confection, and the sly lyrics are hilarious. Plus, Lily is my kind of pop star. She never hides behind any sweet, virginal facade. She misbehaves with rock stars on first class flights to Tokyo. She makes an ass of herself at awards shows. She talks shit about other famous people. What's not to love about Lily?
9. Franz Ferdinand-Franz Ferdinand- Just because almost every song on here is a summons to the dancefloor. Which shouldn't really be a reason to put it on this list, except that I am a really fucking bad dancer. So this is an achievement. I'll hear the opening chords to "Take Me Out", and think, "Yep. I've been served. It's a sonic subpoena." Then off I'll go to embarrass myself in front of strangers. (See also: their follow up album "Tonight" which offers up sonic subpoenas "No You Girls" and "Ulysses".)
10. Music For Men-Gossip Beth Ditto is the most original front person to emerge in years. Now that I think about it, this decade launched quite a few interesting female singers, and not in the tedious, yeast infected Lilith Fair way: Beth Ditto, Karen O, Lady Gaga. Whether or not you like what they do, they're certainly doing it in a unique way.
Honorable Mention:
Less Sophistication-The Jessica Fletchers
Very few people have heard of this band. This album doesn't have a single review on i-tunes. But I love it. It's the sound of a sunny Midsummer Night festival. And how can you not love a band that takes its name from your granny's favorite mystery program?
(Enjoy today's Large Print Edition. No need to dig out those reading glasses. No, I didn't do this on purpose. Not sure what I did wrong, but I can't seem to fix it.)
So- I just read this from the Associated Press:
BROWNSVILLE, Texas – A 19-year-old Brownsville man is jailed on a drug charge after he allegedly went door-to-door trying to sell marijuana. A Brownsville police spokesman says Anthony Carrazco's alleged scheme went awry when he knocked on a police officer's apartment door.
Now, this fellow is an idiot. (Almost as idiotic as a person who can't fix font issues on their blog.) No question there. But it got me to thinking about other goods and services that are best not sold door to door. I came up with this list:
1. Opened tubes of hemorrhoid ointment, accompanied by an offer to help with application
2. Lederhosen
3. "Manager's Special" Ground Beef
4. Dentures
5. Opened boxes of Tampax, accompanied by an offer to help with insertion
6. Internal Organs
7. Whoopie Cushions
8. Tubas
9. Monkeys (That didn't stop 70's cult leader Jim Jones from doing it, however)
10. Opened jars of Vaseline, accompanied by an offer to help smear it someplace
So- I was at a discount department store the other day, escaping the heat, caressing angora sweaters, when "He's So Shy" by The Pointer Sisters came over the sound system.
It put me in a trance. I was whisked back to being a kid. Saturday afternoon. Mom's cleaning. I'm helping. She's annoyed because Dad is not. This means she turns up the radio as loud as possible, just to piss him off. One of those stations that plays "The greatest hits of yesterday and today!" You know this station: it's almost impossible to tell the songs of yesterday apart from the songs of today because it's all the same non-threatening sonic slush. But it's still just kicky enough to put a swing in your step while mopping the floor. If you play any of these songs, I can almost hear the vacuum humming and smell the Pine Sol...
1. "Caribbean Queen" by Billy Ocean
2. "Sad Songs (Say So Much)" by Elton John
3. "Conga" by Gloria Estefan
4. "Breakout" by Swingout Sister
5. "I've Had The Time of My Life" by Bill Medley and Jennifer Warnes (The Dirty Dancing soundtrack)
6. "Higher Love" by Steve Winwood
7. "Baby Baby" by Amy Grant
8. "Easy Lover" by Phil Collins
9. "Baby Hold On" by Eddie Money
10. "Young Turks" by Rod Stewart
BONUS: The Pointer Sisters should be in an honorary Housecleaning Soundtrack Hall of Fame because in addition to "He's So Shy", they also provided "Jump (for My Love)" "I'm So Excited" "Automatic" and The Neutron Dance".
So- The reason there were no posts this week is that I was visiting my parents in Florida. The only item in their home that vaguely resembles a computer is a Word Processor. They even got rid of their 1980's Texas Instruments computer. And their Betamax. It's a miracle that they don't have a rotary phone attached to the kitchen wall. And having spent these past few days in a pre-1995 universe, I can honestly say I don't know how we did it. I do not look upon those days with great nostalgia. Nay, I marvel at how we withstood such hardship. It's akin to the covered wagon era, when there were no showers and smelly pioneers rolled around in grass to rub off the stench of 10 day old B.O.
Let's look at the pros and cons of our Internet-driven society:
PROS:
1. The ability to settle arcane movie trivia arguments with ease.
2. Sites like Manhunt take the pressure off of clubbers to find someone to go home with at 3am. Horny denizens can just enjoy their cocktails, then go home alone and choose some equally horny person online. No muss, no fuss.
4. Online banking alleviates the need to wait in line behind assholes at the bank.
5. Submitting articles to various publications is so much easier. Plus, getting rejected by The New Yorker doesn't have such a sting when it is merely an electronic rejection. No palpable "Sorry, but this piece just isn't for us" letter to rip up.
CONS:
1. Settling arcane movie trivia arguments the old fashioned way could go on for hours, and would bring up other movies, thoughts and ideas. Then, you'd call up some super smart friend in another state and get them in on it too. This was fun, cheap entertainment. But then again, entertainment options were limited back then.
2. Manhunt and similar sites have changed the atmosphere at certain clubs. They just don't buzz with as much sexual energy anymore. The 3am desperation has decreased.
4. Online banking means none of those butterscotch candies in glass bowls at the bank. They weren't very good, but it was nice to get something for free.
5. Some writers have a perverse need to keep their rejection slips. There are plenty of stories of broke writers wallpapering their cheap, nasty, Campbell's soup scented apartments with rejection slips. Online submissions and rejections eliminate this option. But frankly, I think those writers need a better sense of interior design.
So- I have failed many, many interviews in my lifetime. I literally cannot count the interviews I have botched, mostly because I'm not good at math. (See also: the math quiz for Morgan Stanley that I abandoned after the third question.) I suspect that my behavior has been so jaw-droppingly, head-slappingly embarrassing that I have become an anecdote at recruiter seminars.
As such, when I came across this article about interview mistakes, I took note. Perhaps I could learn something. Upon reading them, I realized I've made every single mistake on the list. As a Peon Confidential community service in this brutal economic climate, I'm sharing those mistakes with you:
1. Not knowing your aim. The best example of this would be when I interviewed for a position in Feeds at CNN, a position which consisted of pushing play and record in a dark crevice of the newsroom, and I told them I was suited for this because I spoke French.
2. Being too needy. Once during an interview, there was a tray of cookies and muffins on the conference table for an upcoming meeting that was scheduled to take place later in the day. I kept glancing at this delicious tray of baked goods with such longing that I practically drooled on myself. My distraction was so great that the interviewer finally snapped, "Those are for managers only."
3. Lousy nonverbal communication. A prime example: The time the interviewer left the room and returned (she was so quiet--must have been wearing those Easy Spirit pumps) to find me picking my nose. She actually asked, "Are you finished?"
4. Compromising your position. See above.
5. Falling into the answers-only rut. I had no idea you were supposed to ask questions. I guess this is why interviewers look at me funny when they finally ask if I have any questions, and I reply, "Nope. Wow! You sure have been thorough. Thanks!"
6. Rambling. Talking about the Clermont Lounge strip club in Atlanta (including Blondie's patented tit punch maneuver) was in hindsight, not such a great idea.
7. Being overly familiar. The time I told the interviewer that I had horrible breath and needed a mint was perhaps a tad familiar.
8. Making incorrect assumptions. Thinking the interviewer would offer me a mint. She did not.
9. Getting emotional. Perhaps during those failed interviews in which I have both rambled and became overly familiar in a foreign accent put me over the edge into emotional territory. Especially when I was applying to The State Department for a job as a foreign officer.
10. Not asking specific questions. Now, here's where I differ. I ask specific questions, just not about the job. I'll ask about the charming photo on the interviewer's desk of his family on a Mexican cruise. I'll ask if they enjoyed Mexico. I'll ask what they ate. I'll ask if they tipped the Mariachi band. But I won't ask about company objectives.
So- Today is Tom Selleck's birthday! All the best to you Tom, thanks for making this world a better, more mustachioied place. It's also a perfect day to celebrate one of the greatest shows of all time, Magnum P.I. Those of you who know me know that Magnum P.I. is on constant rotation at my place. But I'm not going to focus on the important elements of the show (such as the legendary mustache.) No, I'd like to point out the little details that make this show a classic:
1. The rubber chicken
2. TC's rainbow suspenders, occasionally worn without a shirt
GREENFIELD, Calif. – Police have arrested a Greenfield man for allegedly arranging to sell his 14-year-old daughter into marriage in exchange for $16,000, 100 cases of beer and several cases of meat.
Several cases of meat. Was it rump roast, chuck roast, brisket, or prime rib? And why stop there when bartering away your daughter's life? If you're going to ask for several cases of meat, why not ask for:
1. A crate of Fruit of the Loom sweat socks
2. 12 boxes of ShamWows
3. A year's supply of Ore-Ida TaterTots
4. A truckload of Tucks hemorrhoid pads
5. Several Drakkar Noir gift sets from J.C. Penney
