10 WAYS SEX IS DIFFERENT ON TV THAN IN REAL LIFE

So, I like watching sex on TV.
It's a lot less messy than sex in real life and there's less laundry involved.
But it seems to me that they get a lot of things wrong.
I'll start with these:

10 WAYS SEX IS DIFFERENT ON TV THAN IN REAL LIFE

1. People wake up in the morning, turn over and start making out with the person next to them...without brushing their teeth! Who does this? I don't care how good the sex is, nobody is accosting me with their foul, early morning halitosis.

2. People pull their covers up just over their tits. This way, you know they're naked, but you don't actually see anything. (Judith Light in "Who's the Boss?")

3. People wrap the sheet around them to get a glass of water. They don't do what I do, which is leap out of the bed and run out of eyesight with lightning speed so my thighs are on display for as minimal time as possible.

4. People slip the condom on with no fumbling or swearing...actually, condoms are rarely mentioned. If they are, it's just a sly glance at the condom still in the packet.

5. People fuck in their bras. (Sarah Jessica Parker in "Sex and the City")

6. People thrust three times and magically orgasm in tandem.

7. People are very serious about sex. Unlike me, there is no laughing or Ethel Merman imitations. Also, when it's over, (unlike me) people don't announce, "Well, I'm gonna go scrub my box." (Yeah. I'm a sexual dynamo, skilled in the sensual art of love.)

8. People know it's time to get laid when they hear saxophone music. (Actually, this only happens when I catch reruns of "Magnum P.I.")

9. People fuck on cold hard marble floors or the beach and never complain about the side effects.

10. People use the terms, "let's make love" or "make love to me" with a straight face.