Check it, Peons: Your CNN Humiliation Compartmentalized

Friday, July 31, 2009


Last night I was battling some sort of stomach flu till 3am.
Highly unpleasant, clutching that bowl like Rush Limbaugh to a hamburger, vomiting non-stop.
(It's kind of fascinating to play CSI detective with your own barf though, trying to recall when you ate corn.)
But if I had a toilet like the one above, I doubt I'd be complaining as much. I'd be blinded by the crystals.
Cleaning it would be a delight. I'd whistle while I scrubbed it. I'd take laxatives just so I could spend more time on it.
My life would be filled with sunshine if that were my toilet.


Now that we've cleared that up, happy Friday!

Wednesday, July 29, 2009


I was talking to a CNN alum yesterday about the third comment on Blind Item# 14. This Peon exclaimed that the comment is a rather tasty bit of gossip because:
A) It isn't commonly known
B) One person in this equation is married. To someone else.
Now-I don't know if the gossip or the marital status claim is true.
Do you?
If anyone can clear this up for me, I'd be much obliged. Google has let me down. I hope you Peons can come to the rescue.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009


One of you thoughtful Peons sent me a link to a story with the following headline:
Swedish Lesbians Suck Sperm Banks Dry

Intrigued, I read the story and found this headline directly underneath:
US Woman Attacks Missus With Sperm-Filled Syringe

What I wouldn't give for a hotline to John Waters' house in Baltimore. (And yes, the hotline phone would be a 1950's pink princess model.) Surely the mustachioed director responsible for such classics as "Pink Flamingos" "Female Trouble" and "Serial Mom" could combine these two headlines to create a cinematic masterpiece.

So John, if you're a chronic self-Googler like me and happen to read this, here are five possible film titles for this spooge-filled romp:

1. Attack of The Sperm Crazed Lesbians

2. The Stockholm Ejaculate Syndicate

3. Cum Pirates from Outer Space

4. Semen Smorgasbord

5. Friedborg and Torborg: The Quest for Cum

Any others?

Sunday, July 26, 2009


I should have expected this.
One of you crazy comedians sent me this photo of your "Real New York Apartment".
Love what you've done with the place. Great use of space. But I just remembered--I can't make that dinner party you invited me too. Yeah. Sorry. I'll be out of town that day. Oh, you haven't announced the date yet? Huh.

(Photo courtesy of The National Archives)

Friday, July 24, 2009


It's a brand new concept here at Peon Confidential, where Peon lives are revered.
For years, people have scoffed at the New York apartments depicted on TV shows and in movies. The natives point out that only tycoons or blackmailers of tycoons live in the apartments on "Friends" or "Will and Grace" or any other syndicated dreamworlds. Those apartments are too spacious, too clean, too perfect.
And they're right on the money.
Which is why I've decided to show you how the real folks live.
I'll start with my apartment, and I hope you'll follow suit.
No need to tell me your street address, or show yourself in the photo.
Just send me a photo of your real New York apartment at
Let's eradicate real estate falsehoods together, shall we?

(Click to enlarge. If only I could do the same in real life.)


Which early rising news duo despise each other so much that they can scarcely stand to be in the same shot? This set ain't big enough for them. For a while, the hatred was so palpable that they were only in a 2 shot at the top of the show. But there's a new EP in town. And this sharp shooter is demanding more 2 shots. So the question is, can Butch Cassidy and the Sundunce Kid hide their irritation behind fake smiles? Will there be a shootout on the set? Stay tuned.