Check it, Peons: Your CNN Humiliation Compartmentalized

Monday, February 28, 2011


Friday night's Church of Rock & Roll was a huge success.
Just check out this photographic evidence of our Missionaries, Disciples and Preachers spreading the Gospel of Rock:

Friday, February 25, 2011


Get ready for a baptism in the Bordello!

It's a Spiritual Revival for lost souls saved by the down and dirty glory of rock n' roll. Rock & Roll Missionaries Wayne Kral, Evan Storey, Natasha and Michael Gural-Maiello will be sharing stories of salvation through song; when three chords could lift your love-scarred heart to the heavens, a concert could rescue you from the hell of suburban stagnation and a mix-tape could offer the answers to life's big questions.

PLUS: Burlesque Icon Nasty Canasta will soothe your weary soul and Mama D’s choir Genifer Robin and Delage will pay tribute to Queen.

TIME: 8pm
DATE: Friday, February 25th
PLACE: Parkside Lounge
ADDRESS: 317 E. Houston
COVER: $5.00

Tuesday, February 22, 2011


Take a good, long look at this fashionable collage of photos.
You see it, don't you?
All those draping fabrics, scarves and flowing tunics.
It really does seem like Moammar Gadhafi raided Bea Arthur's Golden Girls' wardrobe at a certain point, doesn't it?

Monday, February 21, 2011


Are you ready all you rock & rollers?
The countdown is on for the coolest, most guitar-laden Mama D's show ever.
The Rock & Roll Salvation show is just around the corner.
And check it:
You could win this fabulous, one-of-a-kind JOEY RAMONE YARMULKE, made by yours truly.

You can't afford to miss out...
Get your sweet ass to the Parkside Lounge on Friday, Feb. 25th at 8pm!

Friday, February 18, 2011


Fellow Peons,
This is one of those profound moments in a blogger's life when you realize that it's all worth it. All the struggle, sacrifice, late nights, finger cramps, worn-out pajamas and coffee breath.

For today a faithful reader and valiant news spy sent me the above photo.

Yes, it appears that CNN has a deep commitment to the environment. What you're looking at here is a recycling bin, complete with "newspaper only" sign...IN THE MEN'S RESTROOM AT THE TIME WARNER CENTER.

Now, I have a few observations about this situation:

1. Despite a drop in circulation, print journalism clearly isn't dead. There are some places you really don't want to bring your ipad, laptop or Kindle.

2. Contrary to popular wisdom, people aren't terrified of taking a dump at the workplace. Quite the opposite. What this recycling bin says to me is that professional men are grabbing the NY Times or USA Today from the newsroom and heading straight to the bathroom. This is pretty much announcing to your co-workers, "Good day, colleagues! If you'll please excuse me, I'm about to unleash my fecal matter right here in our place of business."

3. Do you think there was a staff meeting to determine if the men's bathroom really needed a recycling bin? Did they weigh the pros and cons? Who brought it to the higher ups attention that there were stacks of crumpled Shit Lit all over the place?

It's astonishing how much deep thought can be generated from one photo.
So, thank you Toilet Photog! You're a lion among men...Or you know, a guy with a cellphone and a sense of humor.

Which is even better, if you ask me.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011


Here in New York, the big fear is that you'll die alone in a messy, filthy apartment and no one finds you until you become a foul stench that annoys the neighbors enough to call in the Super.

The patron saints of this nightmare are the infamous "Collyer Brothers", two hoarders who were literally killed by their over-stuffed house. (That's their repulsive abode in the photo above.) They're also the main reason I throw out/donate half the stuff in my apartment every Spring.

But yesterday I read a story out of L.A. that was even more depressing. According to KTLA news, a woman named Rebecca Wells died in her cubicle at the L.A. County Department of Internal Services...and no one found her until the next day. According to one co-worker, "She was always working. Always working."

See, this is proof that your grandfather was wrong. A little hard work WILL actually kill you.

The theory is that everyone left for the weekend and didn't notice that she was slumped over, dead in her cubicle. I don't know what the time frame was exactly. Because the last time anyone saw her alive was at 9am on Friday morning.

So am I to believe that no one shouted, "Have a great weekend, Becky!" or "You wanna join us for happy hour at the place around the corner?"

I can't tell you how sad this story makes me.

But this is modern life. People working in dismal cubicles, not getting anywhere, never making enough money to stop working so hard, not making connections with their coworkers...and no one even notices if you die.

Yet we're repeatedly told, "In this economy, you should be happy to have a job."

Fuck that overused line. Fuck it right up the ass without any lube.

I can't stand the egregious bullshit people are forced to put up with because, "In this economy_____________ "(fill in the blank.)
If anything comes from wallowing through the sticky aftermath of excess greed and lack of foresight, I hope it's that we dismantle the whole fucking system. Because it's starting to look a lot like the Collyer Brothers house.
And it's killing us.
There's got to be a better way.

Monday, February 14, 2011


Just a small observation today.
Now, I know I could use this forum and my poli-sci degree in more effective ways.
I could analyze the situation in Egypt.
I could write an in depth thesis about the lasting economic fallout of the Smoot-Hawley tariff of 1930.
But nay.
What I really want to know is...

Why the hell am I getting so much Bigfoot spam?

No joke motherfuckers.
Every week I delete several comments purporting to blow the lid off the Bigfoot conspiracy.

Who are these Bigfoot fanatics?
How did they find me?

Yes, at one point I wanted to become an Official Bigfoot Tracker, this is true. But that was a fleeting fantasy, and primarily related to the possibility of wearing an Official Bigfoot Tracker Uniform.

I also contributed to a Jackie Collins parody called "The Sasquatch Goddess". But that story has nothing at all to do with Bigfoot and everything to do with a fictional, oversexed, underhanded and oddly hairy film star in Hollywood.

If anything, I should be getting spammed by the Fart Joke Appreciation Society.
At least that would make sense.

Thursday, February 10, 2011


This is a sad, soul-crushing day.
A former mayor from Indiana; a respected historical figure who won 4 terms in the 1930s and 1950s is being denied his due honor.

That's right, the illustrious, esteemed name of Harry Baals will probably not grace a new Government Center in Fort Wayne.

This is nothing short of a travesty.

Despite the fact that Harry Baals is the overwhelming favorite of online voters (receiving three times more votes than the closest contender) resident killjoy and Deputy Mayor Beth Malloy is doing her best to squash this dream. Apparently, the will of the people isn't enough to make the "Harry Baals Government Center" a reality. Malloy explained in a statement to the Associated Press, "We realize that while Harry Baals was a respected mayor, not everyone outside of Fort Wayne will know that."

BOO! Not only is this woman no fun, but I'd say she's thwarting democracy! The people of Indiana have spoken! LET THERE BE HARRY BAALS!

Wednesday, February 02, 2011


I continue to live up to my reputation as being the go-to person for all your fart-related concerns.
I am truly honored that one of you emailed me this story:

You read that right.
It appears the governing body of Malawi is attempting to protect its citizens from flatulence by punishing the gassy offenders.

Naturally, I have a few questions...

1. Will there be a Sta-toot of Limitations? Or can one be charged with unlawful farting years after the fact?

2. Will there be a special task force to apprehend these criminals? Will they wear wind breakers as their official uniform?

3. Will there be sting operations run by undercover farters to catch those who run afoul of the Anti-Fart law?

4. Will there be varying levels of punishment for different fart styles: loud but not stinky, silent but deadly or wet farts? If an otherwise upstanding citizen lets out a little toot by accident when laughing or sneezing, will this citizen be liable for it?

5. Will there be an FBI's Most Wanted style poster featuring the 10 Most Dangerous Farters? Will shady types be trafficking beans on the street corner, luring impressionable kids into a life of crime?

And finally...can I become a Flatulence Defense lawyer? "Your Honor, I submit to you that my client is innocent...The dog did it."