Check it, Peons: Your CNN Humiliation Compartmentalized

Wednesday, February 02, 2011


I continue to live up to my reputation as being the go-to person for all your fart-related concerns.
I am truly honored that one of you emailed me this story:

You read that right.
It appears the governing body of Malawi is attempting to protect its citizens from flatulence by punishing the gassy offenders.

Naturally, I have a few questions...

1. Will there be a Sta-toot of Limitations? Or can one be charged with unlawful farting years after the fact?

2. Will there be a special task force to apprehend these criminals? Will they wear wind breakers as their official uniform?

3. Will there be sting operations run by undercover farters to catch those who run afoul of the Anti-Fart law?

4. Will there be varying levels of punishment for different fart styles: loud but not stinky, silent but deadly or wet farts? If an otherwise upstanding citizen lets out a little toot by accident when laughing or sneezing, will this citizen be liable for it?

5. Will there be an FBI's Most Wanted style poster featuring the 10 Most Dangerous Farters? Will shady types be trafficking beans on the street corner, luring impressionable kids into a life of crime?

And finally...can I become a Flatulence Defense lawyer? "Your Honor, I submit to you that my client is innocent...The dog did it."

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I'm literally crying at my desk, vjdutton. this is f'ing hilarious.