Check it, Peons: Your CNN Humiliation Compartmentalized

Monday, January 31, 2011


As a book lover and writer, I can rest easy today.
For insurgent library agitator Joy Cassidy (above) has been arrested.

It seems Joy, a feisty 76-year-old book drop bandit had a beef with the librarians at a Community Library in Boise, Idaho.
Maybe they didn't maintain the Dewey Decimal system to her standards. Maybe their fines were too steep. Maybe they didn't carry enough mystery novels featuring sleuthing felines as the protagonist.

But for whatever reason, this biblio-thug was fightin' mad. And she fought The Man with condiments.

That's right.

Since 2009 this radical AARP malcontent has been assaulting the book drop with ketchup, maple syrup and other delicious items you probably have in your kitchen right now. (Or not, if you live in Manhattan, where you probably need the room to store your shoes.) The point is, Joy was a repeat offender. On multiple occasions she poured that shit right down into the book drop and fled the scene.

(I can't verify this, but I'd like to think she cackled as she tore out of the library parking lot.)

According to the Associated Press, "In an attempt to nab the serial condiment criminal, the library installed a surveillance system. But the real break in the case came last summer when Boise police staked out the crime scene."

Yes, it appears Boise's Finest caught Joy Cassidy as she was dumping an open jar of mayonnaise down the hatch. (No word on which brand it was.) Now Joy has been sentenced to a month in the slammer, where she can reflect upon her foul deeds.

We can only hope that this criminal can be reformed; learning to accept the limitations of one's library experience, learning to live up to her cheerful first name and above all...learning to use condiments in more productive ways.

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