Check it, Peons: Your CNN Humiliation Compartmentalized

Friday, October 31, 2008

HAPPY HALLOWEEN, HUNTER!


"If you're going to be crazy, you have to get paid for it or else you're going to be locked up."
-Hunter S. Thompson

Happy Halloween everyone!
I hope you all have a delicious, spooky and delightful night.

As for me, I'll be dressed as Hunter S. Thompson. Not sure if he'd approve. But I'm a huge fan of his, and he's not around to complain. I'd like to think he'd appreciate the homage. Except that more than likely, he'd tell me to fuck off, take a swig of whisky and bang out a line on his typewriter like, "In a world of thieves, the only final sin is stupidity."
And that's why I'm a huge fan.

I'll post some pics as soon as I get them...

Thursday, October 30, 2008

RICHARD SIMMONS JACKPOT


Just read this story from the AP:

HONOLULU – The best bargain at the Salvation Army thrift store in Kailua-Kona was a Richard Simmons videotape. But Mikela Mercier, 11, decided to pass up the chance to buy the tape for a few coins after she found a surprise inside: $1,000 in $100 bills.


Okay, so kudos to the little girl for her honesty. Very cool.
When I was 11, I would have stuffed that $1,000 in my too-tight velour sweatpants pocket and bought up every single "My Little Pony" at KB Toys. Then I would have made a beeline to the food court and pillaged the Mrs. Fields Cookies stand.

But what I want to know is...why was she looking at a Richard Simmons videotape? She's 11. Did she view it as some sort of archeological find?

And finally...any guesses on which lucky Peons are flanking the joyous Richard Simmons in the above photo?

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

SARAH PALIN CAN KISS MY FAT MEDIA ELITE ASS


I don't normally get political on this blog, mostly because it was created in the spirit of fun and CNN nostalgia. I started it as a way for us "peon" CNNers (past or present) to connect and goof off together. But just bear with me today. Because we're 7 days away from the most important election in years, and I'm pissed off.
And I know this post isn't going to matter, because only 4 of you read this blog. So consider this a personal catharsis.

Bottom line:
Sarah Palin is an asshole.

But I'm so fucking sick of idiotic shit like this:

WHY SOME WOMEN HATE SARAH PALIN

This is not why she provokes such a visceral reaction. This is not why she inspires an intense desire to hock a loogie on her smug face, and watch it slide down her cheek, smearing her orange makeup. I am so annoyed with the notion that women hate this ruthless, ignorant, phony, manipulative moose killer because we love a Dynasty style cat fight (with or without the swimming pool) or we can't stand to see another woman succeed...especially if she's pretty. Or because she's a "mean girl" who gets all the male attention.
That's not the point.
Neither is this:

WHY THEY HATE HER

No, that's not why "they" hate her. As in me. As in most of my colleagues. As in my relatives. As in my friends. As in smart, savvy bitches across the country. Her private decisions should have no bearing on her political career. These decisions don't affect me, or the economy or geopolitical events. Those are family issues. What she does in that realm is a personal choice, and I firmly believe in the right of choice for all women. Even if Sarah Palin would never give me the same respect in return.

So why is Sarah Palin an asshole?
Glad you asked...

Top 10 Reasons Why I Hate Sarah Palin And Cannot Wait For Her To Face The Harsh Morning Light Of November 5th:

1. She is totally, unequivocally, unqualified. This isn't sexism, this isn't partisanship. This is obvious.
And any women who want Sarah Palin to be VP just because she has a pussy should have their right to vote revoked.
I didn't believe these types of moron voters existed until I heard it with my own ears.
That's not progressive.
That's an embarrassment.

2. She is vain, self-centered and proudly provincial.

3. That awful voice.

4. She's a hypocrite. She seems just as corrupt as the "Boys Network" and " Washington Insiders" she rails against (plus she rails against them with that awful voice.)

5. All that GOP money on clothes and she still looks like a cheap insurance saleswoman who fucks the boss to get ahead on their business trip to Topeka.

6. A woman in a position of power does not automatically benefit women. Look at Margaret Thatcher. Look at Imelda Marcos. If Stalin had been a woman (Stalina, perhaps) would women have reason to sing? As much as Palin claims to love Democracy and freedom, she has some seriously despotic tendencies.

7. Her fake folksy ways. So damn transparent. As evidenced by...

8. ...when Joe Biden started tearing up about his family at the VP debate, and she didn't even acknowledge him. She seems incapable of understanding other people's perspectives. Which relates to...

9. Zero empathy, zero ability to connect with Americans she deems "not real" (i.e. people who live in big, Blue State cities.)

BUT MOST OF ALL:

10. The whole "Media Elite" thing. I guess I just don't get it, mostly because I've been in news for over a decade, and most of the media professionals I've known are in no way "elite." They bust their asses (and no, those asses aren't as hot as Sarah Palin's tight buns because they spend less time jogging and more time logging soundbites at the computer.) They're the lowly folks who scramble to meet deadlines or get the news on the air, who beg for overtime to pay the rent, who carry their lunch to work in Tupperware. They hand off their kids to their spouses in between shifts. They wear crappy clothes.

There's a reason this blog is called "Peon Confidential". Most of us, the ones who do the grunt work, we're just trying to get by. It is absurd for Sarah Palin to blame this murky "Media Elite" for her inability to present a coherent political platform during an interview. Who exactly is she talking about? Yes, celebrity reporters and anchors are wealthy, well-connected and well dressed. But they aren't even half of the media equation. The traditional image of the journalist has always been the rumpled schlub in a dirty raincoat; the same outfit of choice as the crazy homeless guy or the flasher pervert down the street. We're often broke, tired and have bad breath from consuming nasty coffee at odd hours.

Most of us ARE Joe the Plumber, just transplanted to a hectic newsroom. Instead of unclogging toilets we push buttons in a control room.

So Sarah Palin, fuck you.
Seriously.
Fuck you and the moose you rode in on.

Monday, October 27, 2008

BLIND ITEM #12


Which CNN cutie, known more for her hair extensions than her extensive knowledge of news, really loves her breakfast sandwiches? She was wolfing one down when she heard the on air countdown. So she simply shoved the eggy delight inside her jacket, up against her boob.
She delivered the news.
As soon as the camera light went off, she happily retrieved the savory goods from her bosom and resumed munching on her breakfast.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

EUNUCHS AND BAD STYLE





EUNUCHS:
As promised, I visited The Forbidden City and became a virtual imperial eunuch. I don't know. Maybe it's because I already don't have a penis, but it wasn't that exciting.

BAD STYLE:
The RNC spent $4,716.49 on Sarah Palin's hair and makeup through September after reporting no such costs in August.

$4,716.49????

I haven't been to Super Cuts in a while, but it sounds like their prices have really gone up.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

10 UPDATES YOU SHOULDN'T PUT ON FACEBOOK


I have a love/hate relationship with Facebook. I love seeing photos. I love reading wall greetings. But then someone (occasionally me) will post an update so incredibly lame that it will ruin my whole experience, and I will log off in disgust.

Top 10 Updates You Shouldn't Put on Facebook:


1. Ted should have used Preparation H.

2. Denise thinks her husband is a no good piece of shit bastard.

3. Fran is getting a pap smear today :)

4. Joyce likes to roast puppies over a spit and eat them. Yummy!

5. Denise thinks that slut Trish is a home wrecking bitch.

6. Fred embezzled $175,000 from his company. See ya in Bermuda suckers!!!!

7. Denise longs for the days when cheaters were branded with a scarlet letter.

8. Herb likes the feel of silky panties against his balls.

9. Ralph enjoys kicking short, hairy nuns on Wednesdays.

10. Denise wants her husband to know that if he thinks he and his whore are getting the house, he's an even bigger prick than she thought he was.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

DEN OF SPIES SHORT FILM

For those of you who couldn't slink on over to the last Mama D's Arts Bordello, Danny Figueroa uploaded his opening vignette to YouTube, and I'm offering it up here on Peon Confidential.
Produced by Lofty Productions, this is a mystery filled, action packed cinematic masterpiece...

Friday, October 17, 2008

FAMOUS!


Hello everyone!
Mama D's Arts Bordello got some love today on Media Bistro's GalleyCat blog!
Click and enjoy:

GALLEYCAT ON MEDIA BISTRO

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

OVERDUE PHOTOS





So--
I was a bit lazy with these, but one of you asked me to post some photos from the VP Debate Party I hosted a couple weeks back.
For some odd reason, I just took photos of the Biden/Palin themed food, and neglected to take pics of people. This means I have no evidence of my less-than-authentic Palin Hive. I think the reason mine did not look quite right is because her hair is held in place by a strong combination of moose spit, Republican gumption and Aqua Net.

Here's what you're looking at:

-Itchy Trigger Finger Tortilla Chips
-Planned Parenthood Punch
-Lipsticked Pigs in Blankets
-Wasilla Quesadillas

Monday, October 13, 2008

IMPERIAL EUNUCH


Just when I think technology can't possibly make life any more exciting, I read something like this:

BEIJING (Reuters) - Culture fans thousands of miles from Beijing can now visit its famous Forbidden City, through a three dimensional recreation of the vast palace that also allows them to dress up as an imperial eunuch and meet a courtesan.


This is the opportunity of a lifetime. I'm going to check it out and report back to you. I just hope the clothes are fancier than what I see in the above photo. I'd like a ruby encrusted robe, gold shoes lined with peacock feathers and a jaunty velvet hat.
In the meantime, if you feel like being a virtual imperial eunuch, here's your key to happiness:

FORBIDDEN CITY

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

MAMA D'S ARTS BORDELLO PRESENTS: DEN OF SPIES


The craziest night of spy-flavored action is almost here! Prepare to be deviously entertained on Thursday, October 9th...

Lock up your classified documents, synchronize your watch, don your fake mustache and head over to the bordello for a night of intrigue. You'll be tantalized by Nasty Canasta's dangerous brand of burlesque and Pandora's sexy go go dancing, hear Charles Salzberg read from his new mystery novel, "Swann's Last Song", listen to Matt and Mary's tribute to James Bond themes, enjoy a mysterious short film from Jason Wicks and enter a high stakes 007 Dossier trivia contest where you can win villainous prizes...

No secret password needed for entry. A mere $7 bucks will do the trick.

DATE: October 9th, 2008
TIME: 8pm
PLACE: The Parkside Lounge
ADDRESS: 317 E. Houston between B and C Avenues
SUBWAY: F, V
COVER: $7

Monday, October 06, 2008

FLAPJACKS AND POLITICS


I have noticed that every four years, flocks of overly-hairspsrayed reporters and politicians descend upon diners and dingy little cafes in small towns, hoping to track down real, honest, hardworking Americans in their natural habitat. During election season, these are the only regular people (i.e. non-pundits) who can shed light on America's political climate. Moreover, if we've learned anything from the last few months, it's that small town Americans are the only "real" Americans. Only small towns represent true American values (cue John Cougar Mellencamp.)

So, reporters from various networks interrupt these hearty folks while they're eating flapjacks and slurping bad coffee to ask them about "the issues". And it's always the same kinds of places, the same kinds of people and the same kinds of answers.

I'm tired of this shit.

Why not mix it up?
Instead of going to Connie's Corner Cafe, why not check in on patrons at:

1. Moe's Taxidermy Emporium
2. Hooters
3. Barney's department store men's shoe section
4. The Castro District in San Francisco
5. The Podiatrist's Office
6. The Liberace Museum in Las Vegas
7. Cheap nail salons in strip malls
8. The gift shop at Graceland
9. Pete's Meat House of St. Petersburg, Florida
10. Any package store in a ghetto part of town

Where else?

Friday, October 03, 2008

PALIN FLIRTATION


Watching Sarah Palin wink repeatedly into the camera last night made me feel like she was trying to pick me up at a Holiday Inn bar.
I kept thinking that at any minute the DJ would play some Lionel Richie, a waitress would serve me some buffalo wings and I'd look out the window at an impressive view of I-95.

Anyone else have the same reaction?

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

THE THRILLA FROM WASILLA


So-
I'm inviting a couple of politically passionate buddies over to watch Thursday's Vice Presidential debate, which I'm hoping will be delectable. Fattening, even.
I had planned on having a low key Halloween party this year, but I'm doing this instead because the prospect of that idiotic, screechy voiced, book banning moose hunter getting anywhere near the White House is scary enough.
The point is:
I'm compiling a menu to fit the theme, and I need your input.
As of now, the menu consists of:

1. Wasilla Quesadillas (yes, quesadilla MUST be pronounced to rhyme with Wasilla.)

2. Planned Parenthood Punch (this will have a healthy splash of cheap beer, which has been the instigator of unprotected sex for generations.)

3. Biden's Balls (I'm hoping his are made of steel, while these will be made of turkey.)

4. Chocolate Moose

5. Lipsticked Pigs in Blankets

What else?