HOW FOX NEWS MIGHT SPIN OSAMA BIN LADEN'S DEATH IF THEY COULD

So-
I'm thinking it must be annoying as hell to Fox News that President Obama and his administration get credit for the raid on Osama Bin Laden's compound, a raid which resulted in Bin Laden's death.
Yes, it must be a shit eating experience, sitting and watching helplessly as a Democratic president delivers the news that this Mission is Accomplished.

It got me to thinking about how they might spin this news if they could.
I came up with this list:

1. Arrogant Obama Hogs Spotlight In Osama's Death

2. Black Male in D.C. Makes Late Night Confession to Slaying of Old Man With Kidney Disease

3. Obama is Responsible for Prolonged BP Oil Disaster, Unchecked Somali Pirates, and Littering the Ocean With A Corpse: Worst Oceanic President Ever?

4. Black Male in D.C. is Prime Suspect in International Incident

5. Obama Encourages Unruly Gangs Loitering Outside of White House and Elsewhere

RONALD MCDONALD ON SKID ROW

Will this economic nightmare ever end?
It appears no one is safe...including Ronald McDonald.
Yes, according to Bloomberg news, Ronald McDonald will be joining the Hamburgler, Mayor McCheese, Grimace and the Fry Guys on the unemployment line.

This is a travesty. After 48 years of service, Ronald McDonald is getting the boot. Apparently, he does not "deserve a break today". And he is most certainly not "Lovin' it." Did they pay off Mr. McDonald with a Golden Parachute deal when they terminated him? After all--he has been privy to top level business secrets. He must know what goes into the Special Sauce.

But out of respect for an American icon, I'm offering Ronald McDonald a few ideas for the next stage of his professional life.

FIVE NEW JOB OPPORTUNITIES FOR RONALD MCDONALD

1. Milking cows on his relative "Old" McDonald's farm.

2. Clown Porn. First movie title: "Snatch Adams"

3. Singing back up for his relative and former Doobie Brother, Michael McDonald

4. Fishmonger, Herpetologist or Shopping Cart Wrangler at Kmart

5. Publish a tell all book and hit the talk show circuit. Book title: "The Red Wig of Courage"

GADHAFI'S STYLE ICON: BEA ARTHUR

Take a good, long look at this fashionable collage of photos.
You see it, don't you?
Right?
All those draping fabrics, scarves and flowing tunics.
It really does seem like Moammar Gadhafi raided Bea Arthur's Golden Girls' wardrobe at a certain point, doesn't it?

WORKING OURSELVES TO DEATH

Here in New York, the big fear is that you'll die alone in a messy, filthy apartment and no one finds you until you become a foul stench that annoys the neighbors enough to call in the Super.

The patron saints of this nightmare are the infamous "Collyer Brothers", two hoarders who were literally killed by their over-stuffed house. (That's their repulsive abode in the photo above.) They're also the main reason I throw out/donate half the stuff in my apartment every Spring.

But yesterday I read a story out of L.A. that was even more depressing. According to KTLA news, a woman named Rebecca Wells died in her cubicle at the L.A. County Department of Internal Services...and no one found her until the next day. According to one co-worker, "She was always working. Always working."

See, this is proof that your grandfather was wrong. A little hard work WILL actually kill you.

The theory is that everyone left for the weekend and didn't notice that she was slumped over, dead in her cubicle. I don't know what the time frame was exactly. Because the last time anyone saw her alive was at 9am on Friday morning.

So am I to believe that no one shouted, "Have a great weekend, Becky!" or "You wanna join us for happy hour at the place around the corner?"

I can't tell you how sad this story makes me.

But this is modern life. People working in dismal cubicles, not getting anywhere, never making enough money to stop working so hard, not making connections with their coworkers...and no one even notices if you die.

Yet we're repeatedly told, "In this economy, you should be happy to have a job."

Fuck that overused line. Fuck it right up the ass without any lube.

I can't stand the egregious bullshit people are forced to put up with because, "In this economy_____________ "(fill in the blank.)
If anything comes from wallowing through the sticky aftermath of excess greed and lack of foresight, I hope it's that we dismantle the whole fucking system. Because it's starting to look a lot like the Collyer Brothers house.
And it's killing us.
There's got to be a better way.

INDIANA HAS NO BAALS

This is a sad, soul-crushing day.
A former mayor from Indiana; a respected historical figure who won 4 terms in the 1930s and 1950s is being denied his due honor.

That's right, the illustrious, esteemed name of Harry Baals will probably not grace a new Government Center in Fort Wayne.

This is nothing short of a travesty.

Despite the fact that Harry Baals is the overwhelming favorite of online voters (receiving three times more votes than the closest contender) resident killjoy and Deputy Mayor Beth Malloy is doing her best to squash this dream. Apparently, the will of the people isn't enough to make the "Harry Baals Government Center" a reality. Malloy explained in a statement to the Associated Press, "We realize that while Harry Baals was a respected mayor, not everyone outside of Fort Wayne will know that."

BOO! Not only is this woman no fun, but I'd say she's thwarting democracy! The people of Indiana have spoken! LET THERE BE HARRY BAALS!

THE LIBRARY BOOK DROP GUERILLA OF IDAHO

As a book lover and writer, I can rest easy today.
For insurgent library agitator Joy Cassidy (above) has been arrested.

It seems Joy, a feisty 76-year-old book drop bandit had a beef with the librarians at a Community Library in Boise, Idaho.
Maybe they didn't maintain the Dewey Decimal system to her standards. Maybe their fines were too steep. Maybe they didn't carry enough mystery novels featuring sleuthing felines as the protagonist.

But for whatever reason, this biblio-thug was fightin' mad. And she fought The Man with condiments.

That's right.

Since 2009 this radical AARP malcontent has been assaulting the book drop with ketchup, maple syrup and other delicious items you probably have in your kitchen right now. (Or not, if you live in Manhattan, where you probably need the room to store your shoes.) The point is, Joy was a repeat offender. On multiple occasions she poured that shit right down into the book drop and fled the scene.

(I can't verify this, but I'd like to think she cackled as she tore out of the library parking lot.)

According to the Associated Press, "In an attempt to nab the serial condiment criminal, the library installed a surveillance system. But the real break in the case came last summer when Boise police staked out the crime scene."

Yes, it appears Boise's Finest caught Joy Cassidy as she was dumping an open jar of mayonnaise down the hatch. (No word on which brand it was.) Now Joy has been sentenced to a month in the slammer, where she can reflect upon her foul deeds.

We can only hope that this criminal can be reformed; learning to accept the limitations of one's library experience, learning to live up to her cheerful first name and above all...learning to use condiments in more productive ways.

SCANDAL AT THE LIBERACE MUSEUM

Well.
Color me sad.
After 31 years, the Liberace Museum in Las Vegas will be shutting its glamorous doors for good in exactly one month.
I went there a few years ago (see above photo) and was dazzled by the array of costumes, the glittering gift shop (I bought my pal a dishtowel) and the enthusiasm of the docents.
So you can imagine just how shocked I was to find that this fabulous museum was rife with corruption!

The Las Vegas Review-Journal reports:

One former musician at the museum claims internal factors inflicted damage on the institution. "It was like a rotten onion, layer after layer after layer," says Wes Winters, who performed at the museum from 2003 to 2008 after winning the Liberace Play-Alike Competition.

He cites a staff meeting [where] "everyone was threatened that if you questioned anything, questioned authority, you would be terminated. They're threatening these 80-year-old women, employees and volunteers."

Now there's a headline:

Liberace Impersonators and 80-year-old Devotees Threatened By Domineering Liberace Museum Overlords

These are bleak days indeed.

CAPTIONING WITH INTENT

CAPTIONS FOR THE ABOVE "RESPECTABLE DAD" PHOTOS

1. I heard through the grapevine that Bill McGillicutty's company is planning to transfer him to London where he will be living with his gorgeous wife in a multi-million dollar townhouse.

2. Yet here I am, unemployed, living in this shitbox with my mustachioed wife.

3. Bill McGillicutty is goin' down, fuckers.

4. That's better. Now, I'll put on my glasses and spy on the hot college girls next door.

MY LOW-TECH HELL

Still no home computer.
My miserable Little House On The Prairie life continues, unabated.
Hence a photo of me with a bonnet perched on my head, churning butter with a pal. Later, we'll get water from the well with a wooden bucket. Then we'll light the kerosene lamp and Pa will play his fiddle.

Yeah, yeah. Okay. I have no idea who these kids are.

Life is bleak and lonely out here on the Prairie.

MORE PROOF OF TRUTH IN CLICHES

Surely you've all heard the cliche, "One man's trash is another man's treasure."
Well, I was just reading through some of the top odd news stories of 2009 when I came across this:

A British academic who spent seven years collecting the dung of rare lizards in the Philippines was devastated when a clean-up team threw it out of his laboratory with the trash. "To some people it might have been just lizard shit... but to me it represented years of painstaking work," he said.

You see that? Cliches really are rooted in reality.
Now if I could just find concrete evidence of someone actually blowing smoke up another person's ass, I'd be happy.

FOLK WISDOM CONFIRMED

Just read this from Reuters:

Drunk Grandmaster Checkmated After Dozing Off

CHENNAI, India – A leading French chess player turned up drunk and dozed off after just 11 moves in an international tournament in Kolkata, losing the round on technical grounds, domestic media reported Friday.
Grandmaster Vladislav Tkachiev arrived for Thursday's match against India's Praveen Kumar in such an inebriated state that he could hardly sit in his chair and soon fell asleep, resting his head on the table, Hindustan Times newspaper reported.
Indian papers carried pictures of the world number 58 sleeping and the organizers' futile attempts to wake his up.
The game was awarded to the Indian on the technical ground of Tkachiev being unable to complete his moves within the stipulated time of an hour and 30 minutes, the paper said.

And what conclusion did I draw from this news item? What's my analysis?
Well...
It turns out your hard-working grandpa's favorite saying is true.
Furthermore, it should be taken literally:
If ya snooze, ya lose, buddy.

NAKED POLE VAULTER: THE ECONOMIC CRISIS STRIKES AGAIN

Just when you think all angles of the economic crisis have been covered, what with mistresses bitching about married men taking them to cheap restaurants, married women taking 2nd jobs at strip joints, and ex-businessmen wandering about in panda suits (see below) along comes another sorry bastard tugging at your heartstrings with his tale of economic woe...

PARIS (Reuters) – A French pole vaulting champion has run naked with his pole through the streets of Paris and posted the video on the Internet, hoping to draw attention to his quest for a new sponsorship deal.
Romain Mesnil, who won a silver medal at the 2007 Athletics World Championships in Osaka, used to be sponsored by U.S. sports brand Nike but says his contract expired last year and was not renewed.
Many athletes have reported difficulties obtaining corporate sponsorship as companies cut costs because of the global economic downturn.

And naturally, I found the video for you:
NAKED POLE VAULTER SEEKS SPONSORSHIP

EXTENDED WEAR UNDERPANTS

Hello Peons!
I have some truly startling news to deliver today...

HOUSTON (Reuters) – Teen-age boys, are you tired of embarrassing questions about when you last changed underwear? Japan's space scientists may have just the answer -- a line of odour-free underwear and casual clothing.
Koichi Wakata, the first Japanese astronaut to live on the International Space Station, is testing the clothes, called J-ware and created by textile experts at Japan Women's University in Tokyo.
"He can wear his trunks (underwear) more than a week," said Koji Yanagawa, an official with the Japanese Aerospace Exploration Agency.

This is terrifying.
Is this "extended wear underpants" discovery the new Tang?
You know, an appalling product that was specifically designed for astronauts but for some inexplicable reason found it's way into homes across the nation?

I don't even know where to begin on this one.

BRAZILIAN WAX BAN

Beavers in New Jersey could get just a little bit hairier:

TRENTON, N.J. – New Jersey is drawing the line when it comes to bikini waxing.
The state Board of Cosmetology and Hairstyling is moving toward a ban on genital waxing altogether after two women reported being injured in their quest for a smooth bikini line.
Both women were hospitalized for infections following so-called "Brazilian" bikini waxes; one of the women has filed a lawsuit, according to Jeff Lamm, a spokesman for New Jersey's Division of Consumer Affairs, which oversees the cosmetology board.
Technically, genital waxing has never been allowed — only the face, neck, abdomen, legs and arms are permitted — but because bare-it-all "Brazilians" weren't specifically banned, state regulators haven't enforced the law.

"The genital area is not part of the abdomen or legs as some might assume," Lamm said.

Okay. Let's say this ban passes...

What would a police raid on an illegal Brazilian bikini waxing salon look like?
Can you imagine the pubic pandemonium? The shrieking, the spilled wax, the customers with half-bare poon bolting out the door...
Will there be a special police squad for this type of law enforcement?

New Jersey, you've got quite a few issues to sort out before enacting this ban.

MEXICAN CHEF DEPORTED, ENGLISH PUNTERS DENIED DECENT TACOS

We're treading into Lou Dobbs territory here on Peon Confidential today...

LONDON (Reuters) – A Mexican national who told airport immigration he was visiting Britain to see a friend was swiftly deported after a search unearthed a good-luck card in his luggage wishing him well for his "new life in the UK."
UK Border Agency officers at Manchester Airport routinely stopped the 40-year-old chef after he arrived on a flight from Los Angeles last Friday.
The man told them he was on a short trip to see a friend who was opening a restaurant in the area.
"However, a search of the passenger's baggage revealed a huge collection of Mexican food recipes and a good-luck card from his church wishing him well for his 'new life in the UK,'" the agency said in a statement.
The man later admitted he had intended to work at the restaurant illegally and had planned to bring his family over from America if he liked it.
He was deported the next day.

Now, I'm not defending illegal immigration. My mom is an immigrant, but she had all the proper paperwork. Plus, she had a lovely collection of sparkly disco pants and mini skirts. That's called immigrating with panache and respect.

But I think in this situation, the immigration officials might have made an exception.
Here's why:
I lived in London for two and a half years.
There was not one decent Mexican restaurant in my neighborhood, or any neighborhood that I stumbled into.
No El Ranchero. No Pancho Villa's. Nada!
And I love Mexican food, so I had to resort to making my own at home. I would buy some crappy, overpriced Old El Paso taco kits from the "specialty" store. I'd fry up beef that may or may not have been infected with Mad Cow disease. (I'm not showing any signs of it yet--fingers crossed.) English friends would come over, sniff my inauthentic feast and say,
"Oh, taah-cohs".
(With the "a" pronounced as in "apple".)
Taah-cohs.
You see how severe this problem is?
England needs some delicious Mexican restaurants. Maybe things have changed since I lived there, but I'm doubtful.
They should have let this Mexican chef into the country. Or at least confiscated his recipes. It might have opened up a whole new culinary world...

MR. PEANUT IS GONNA GIT YA!

Okay.
Call me an insensitive bitch. Go ahead, I won't correct you. But check this out:

ATLANTA, Georgia (CNN) -- The return of peanuts to the snack menu at Northwest Airlines this month has prompted a spasm of protests from travelers with allergies.
The change comes four months after Northwest merged with Atlanta-based Delta Air Lines and in the midst of a national salmonella outbreak involving Peanut Corporation of America. In Minneapolis, where Northwest is based, news of the change has resulted in a flood of responses on the Web site of the Star Tribune, a local newspaper.
"This is a very disappointing development," wrote one man who responded to the story. "My wife's allergy is so severe that if someone is sitting next to her and eating peanuts, the odor is enough to trigger an allergic reaction."
"Northwest is really out of touch with its customers and the reality of allergies to peanuts," wrote another reader. "What's wrong with pretzels?"
The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention says more than 3 million Americans are allergic to peanuts or tree nuts.
Delta says it will make accommodations for those with peanut allergies, if a request is made.
"We'll create a buffer zone of three rows in front of and three rows behind your seat," the airline's Web site says.

My question is this:
When the fuck did everyone start having such a problem with peanuts? When did these insane allergies descend upon us?

When I was a kid, no one had peanut allergies. No one. Kids across the lunch room opened up their Scooby Doo and Garfield lunch boxes and happily munched on peanut butter and jelly sandwiches (on white bread, with the grape jelly seeping though like a wound.) Now just the threat of being near a peanut prompts an airline quarantine.

When I was a kid, no one had to make sure they didn't get peanut M&Ms on Halloween. No, our concern was the threat of some creep putting razor blades in apples or handing out Ex-Lax instead of chocolate. Our parents had heard about this on the nightly news. Of course, this never actually happened to anyone we knew.

And I'm starting to wonder if peanut allergies are the new nightly news boogeyman.

POVERTY: HITTING BELOW THE BELT

Yet another hard-hitting Peon Confidential analysis of the economic crisis for you today...

NEW YORK (Reuters) – It's crippling for businesses but the credit crisis is giving Cupid a boost as more people hunt online for mates to weather the economic storm.
Unlike other companies where revenues are dropping and layoffs are climbing, online dating seems to be resistant to the recession.
"In a tough economy, you want someone to appreciate you for who you are and not because of your jobs or material possessions," said eHarmony chief executive Greg Waldorf.

Translation: When people are broke, they want someone to fuck who they don't have to spend money on.

AN ELEGY FOR A BACHELOR PAD

Yet another casualty of the shitty economy:
No more sexy bachelor pads like this. No more swanky rotating beds, fully stocked bars, sexy chrome fixtures and love-makin' tunes blaring from the hi-fi.
These days, it's a cheap futon, a DIY entertainment center from Target (with one nail rammed too far in, causing the particle board to burst) sports posters on the walls and last week's Chinese takeout and two beers in the fridge.

It's a wonder anyone gets laid at all.

SANDWICH ABUSE

I am so pissed off with the state of journalism today. Check out this amazing headline from the AP:
MAN NABBED AFTER HITTING GIRLFRIEND WITH SANDWICH

Naturally, I'm intrigued. I read further:

PORT ST. LUCIE, Fla. – A man faces a domestic battery charge after allegedly hitting his girlfriend with a sandwich as she was driving on Interstate 95 on Friday. Police said the 19-year-old man became angry and hit the woman in the arm and face with a sandwich, knocking her glasses off.

But I suspect all readers have the same question...which goes unanswered: "Police haven't said what type of sandwich was involved."

DAMN! How can you even release this story without answering that question? If I were the reporter on this story, I would camp out in front of the police station for hours on end, denying myself my afternoon gin and tonic just to get the answer to that question. I would hound that police department! I'd inundate them with endless phone calls--from a nasty, germy, piss scented phone booth if I had to.

I cannot believe this.

That said--if I had to guess, I'd go with a footlong meatball sub; purchased late in the afternoon so the meatballs are all hard and dry from sitting in that metal vat all day...And stale hoagie bread.
That's a key element.
I've seriously cut myself on stale hoagie bread.
You don't want to fuck with brutal baked goods like that.

SARAH PALIN CAN KISS MY FAT MEDIA ELITE ASS

I don't normally get political on this blog, mostly because it was created in the spirit of fun and CNN nostalgia. I started it as a way for us "peon" CNNers (past or present) to connect and goof off together. But just bear with me today. Because we're 7 days away from the most important election in years, and I'm pissed off.
And I know this post isn't going to matter, because only 4 of you read this blog. So consider this a personal catharsis.

Bottom line:
Sarah Palin is an asshole.

But I'm so fucking sick of idiotic shit like this:

WHY SOME WOMEN HATE SARAH PALIN

This is not why she provokes such a visceral reaction. This is not why she inspires an intense desire to hock a loogie on her smug face, and watch it slide down her cheek, smearing her orange makeup. I am so annoyed with the notion that women hate this ruthless, ignorant, phony, manipulative moose killer because we love a Dynasty style cat fight (with or without the swimming pool) or we can't stand to see another woman succeed...especially if she's pretty. Or because she's a "mean girl" who gets all the male attention.
That's not the point.
Neither is this:

WHY THEY HATE HER

No, that's not why "they" hate her. As in me. As in most of my colleagues. As in my relatives. As in my friends. As in smart, savvy bitches across the country. Her private decisions should have no bearing on her political career. These decisions don't affect me, or the economy or geopolitical events. Those are family issues. What she does in that realm is a personal choice, and I firmly believe in the right of choice for all women. Even if Sarah Palin would never give me the same respect in return.

So why is Sarah Palin an asshole?
Glad you asked...

Top 10 Reasons Why I Hate Sarah Palin And Cannot Wait For Her To Face The Harsh Morning Light Of November 5th:

1. She is totally, unequivocally, unqualified. This isn't sexism, this isn't partisanship. This is obvious.
And any women who want Sarah Palin to be VP just because she has a pussy should have their right to vote revoked.
I didn't believe these types of moron voters existed until I heard it with my own ears.
That's not progressive.
That's an embarrassment.

2. She is vain, self-centered and proudly provincial.

3. That awful voice.

4. She's a hypocrite. She seems just as corrupt as the "Boys Network" and " Washington Insiders" she rails against (plus she rails against them with that awful voice.)

5. All that GOP money on clothes and she still looks like a cheap insurance saleswoman who fucks the boss to get ahead on their business trip to Topeka.

6. A woman in a position of power does not automatically benefit women. Look at Margaret Thatcher. Look at Imelda Marcos. If Stalin had been a woman (Stalina, perhaps) would women have reason to sing? As much as Palin claims to love Democracy and freedom, she has some seriously despotic tendencies.

7. Her fake folksy ways. So damn transparent. As evidenced by...

8. ...when Joe Biden started tearing up about his family at the VP debate, and she didn't even acknowledge him. She seems incapable of understanding other people's perspectives. Which relates to...

9. Zero empathy, zero ability to connect with Americans she deems "not real" (i.e. people who live in big, Blue State cities.)

BUT MOST OF ALL:

10. The whole "Media Elite" thing. I guess I just don't get it, mostly because I've been in news for over a decade, and most of the media professionals I've known are in no way "elite." They bust their asses (and no, those asses aren't as hot as Sarah Palin's tight buns because they spend less time jogging and more time logging soundbites at the computer.) They're the lowly folks who scramble to meet deadlines or get the news on the air, who beg for overtime to pay the rent, who carry their lunch to work in Tupperware. They hand off their kids to their spouses in between shifts. They wear crappy clothes.

There's a reason this blog is called "Peon Confidential". Most of us, the ones who do the grunt work, we're just trying to get by. It is absurd for Sarah Palin to blame this murky "Media Elite" for her inability to present a coherent political platform during an interview. Who exactly is she talking about? Yes, celebrity reporters and anchors are wealthy, well-connected and well dressed. But they aren't even half of the media equation. The traditional image of the journalist has always been the rumpled schlub in a dirty raincoat; the same outfit of choice as the crazy homeless guy or the flasher pervert down the street. We're often broke, tired and have bad breath from consuming nasty coffee at odd hours.

Most of us ARE Joe the Plumber, just transplanted to a hectic newsroom. Instead of unclogging toilets we push buttons in a control room.

So Sarah Palin, fuck you.
Seriously.
Fuck you and the moose you rode in on.