SANDWICH ABUSE

I am so pissed off with the state of journalism today. Check out this amazing headline from the AP:
MAN NABBED AFTER HITTING GIRLFRIEND WITH SANDWICH

Naturally, I'm intrigued. I read further:

PORT ST. LUCIE, Fla. – A man faces a domestic battery charge after allegedly hitting his girlfriend with a sandwich as she was driving on Interstate 95 on Friday. Police said the 19-year-old man became angry and hit the woman in the arm and face with a sandwich, knocking her glasses off.

But I suspect all readers have the same question...which goes unanswered: "Police haven't said what type of sandwich was involved."

DAMN! How can you even release this story without answering that question? If I were the reporter on this story, I would camp out in front of the police station for hours on end, denying myself my afternoon gin and tonic just to get the answer to that question. I would hound that police department! I'd inundate them with endless phone calls--from a nasty, germy, piss scented phone booth if I had to.

I cannot believe this.

That said--if I had to guess, I'd go with a footlong meatball sub; purchased late in the afternoon so the meatballs are all hard and dry from sitting in that metal vat all day...And stale hoagie bread.
That's a key element.
I've seriously cut myself on stale hoagie bread.
You don't want to fuck with brutal baked goods like that.