THE WAYWARD BABOON OF NEW JERSEY

I am saddened to report that the Wayward Baboon of New Jersey has been captured. He has been tranquilized and returned to the Six Flags Great Adventure Park.

This is depressing. I was really rooting for that vagabond primate! His wanderlust was admirable. I was hoping he'd take the Holland Tunnel and visit me in New York. We'd eat bananas, make high pitched screetching noises and throw poop at each other. I could get down with that. And I'm sure my neighbors would appreciate it too.

But if he wasn't going to visit me, I wanted him to keep on ramblin'. I wanted kids to be playing in the park and notice this baboon on the monkey bars. I wanted housewives to look out their kitchen windows to see him stealing an apple pie cooling on the sill. (Okay, I know it's not 1955 but it's still a funny image.) I wanted him to sneak into a multi-plex and heckle Tom Cruise movies. I wanted him to knock on Bruce Springteen's door and ask for a cup of sugar.

Apparently, when this Roaming Baboon was captured, he was making his way toward the Jersey Shore. (I'd make a Snooki/hot tub joke here but what's the point?)

So I'm making a request to those of you reading this: On the 4th of July, when we celebrate our American freedom, let's raise a toast to the Wayward Baboon of New Jersey. His freedom jaunt ended far too soon.

THE BRAZILIAN WORKPLACE MASTURBATOR

I am so fucking mad.
I feel like I slept through my own birthday party or something.

By sheer happenstance, I stumbled across a news story from over a month ago that was custom made for Peon Confidential.
I cannot understand how it got lost in the news cycle shuffle. I'm blaming Weiner for this travesty. All the focus was on making bad dick jokes and the important, high quality news stories slipped through the cracks. So, although this is technically old news, it's going to be discussed here today. I can't not write about this story. I won't be able to rest otherwise.

In a legal triumph for hardcore diddlers everywhere, a Brazilian judge ruled that Ana Catarian Bezerra, a 36-year-old accountant, can legally masturbate at work and watch porn on her computer.

Now, before you go running to your boss demanding to put a vibrator and a copy of "Good Will Humping" on your expense account, realize that this was a hard won battle. Ms. Bezerra had to successfully argue that she "suffers from a chemical imbalance that triggers severe anxiety and hypersexuality". So, that's a pretty high standard. It's not just that she has an occasional itch she needs to scratch after her lunch break.

Still, I have a few questions about how this ruling will be put into practice:

1. Will she get her own special Masturbatorium? Or will she just tease the taco in the bathroom?

2. Does she share office equipment? Phones, staplers, the break room coffee maker? If so, I think that should come to an end.

3. Are these scheduled masturbation breaks? Like, will they be every hour on the hour? Or can she just stroke the kitty at her whim?

4. If these are scheduled masturbation breaks, can you imagine the knowing looks on her co-workers faces as she leaves the room? "Oh, there goes Ana again, off to polish the pearl."

5. Do you think her co-workers ever eat any casseroles she brings to office potlucks? I bet they just sit there, untouched, congealing, coated in suspicion.

Okay, I think we're done here...only because I've run out of stupid euphemisms for female masturbation.

BREAK SOME WIND, BREAK THE LAW

So-
I continue to live up to my reputation as being the go-to person for all your fart-related concerns.
I am truly honored that one of you emailed me this story:
MALAWI PREPARES TO CRIMINALIZE FARTING

Yeah.
You read that right.
It appears the governing body of Malawi is attempting to protect its citizens from flatulence by punishing the gassy offenders.

Naturally, I have a few questions...

1. Will there be a Sta-toot of Limitations? Or can one be charged with unlawful farting years after the fact?

2. Will there be a special task force to apprehend these criminals? Will they wear wind breakers as their official uniform?

3. Will there be sting operations run by undercover farters to catch those who run afoul of the Anti-Fart law?

4. Will there be varying levels of punishment for different fart styles: loud but not stinky, silent but deadly or wet farts? If an otherwise upstanding citizen lets out a little toot by accident when laughing or sneezing, will this citizen be liable for it?

5. Will there be an FBI's Most Wanted style poster featuring the 10 Most Dangerous Farters? Will shady types be trafficking beans on the street corner, luring impressionable kids into a life of crime?

And finally...can I become a Flatulence Defense lawyer? "Your Honor, I submit to you that my client is innocent...The dog did it."

THE TUBEROUS BUSHCRICKET HAS SERIOUS COJONES

Fellow Peons, I was not prepared for this news. No, I never thought I'd be penning an ode to the Tuberous Bushcricket. Yet here I am, clacking away. You see, according to the AFP, this little species of bushcricket has the biggest balls of any creature in the whole world!

Now, some of you out there might be thinking, "No fucking way, man. My goolies are way bigger than that little fucker's nutsack."

But you'd be wrong. Dead wrong. Because this Testicle Titan drags around a set of stones that are 13.8 percent of his body mass. That's like your sorry cock nestled in between two tires weighing 22 pounds each.

So today when you're stuck in traffic or an elevator in which Ned from Accounting just unleashed a toxic fart, remember the Tuberous Bushcricket, and realize your troubles are very small in comparison.

SPY SPERM

We've got some news to report direct from the United Kingdom's most venerable, high-brow, elite newspaper, The Sun. According to their sources, hard-working semen was instrumental in covert MI6 operations:

SEMEN USED AS INVISIBLE INK

That's right.
James Bond didn't waste all his spunk on slinky dames. Some of it was used to defend The Empire.

I'm not sure if this story is even true. This is from The Sun, after all. (Which I shamefully loved reading when I lived in London. It's a bit like the NY Post: odious yet very addictive.)
But I can tell this journalist had an excellent time writing this jizz-filled historical account:

Walter Kirke wrote in June 1915 that Mansfield Cumming, the first chief of the SIS, was "making enquiries for invisible inks at the London University". In October he noted that he "heard from C that the best invisible ink is semen", which did not react to usual methods of detection.

It also had the advantage of being easily available.

One member of staff close to Cumming, Frank Stagg, said he would never forget his bosses' delight when the Deputy Chief Censor said one of his staff had discovered that "semen would not react to iodine vapour".

Close to Cumming, indeed.

INFLATABLE SLIDE AS RESIGNATION DEVICE

By now, JetBlue flight attendant Steven Slater has become a symbol of fighting bullshit with a flourish:

JETBLUE FLIGHT ATTENDANT STORMS OFF THE JOB BY DROPPING F BOMBS AND EVACUATING PLANE VIA INFLATABLE SLIDE

This guy is a crusader in an era of overbooked flights, rude passengers and uncomfortable seats. Plus he has panache. But it got me to thinking how much cooler any resignation would be if you could exit stage left by zooming down an inflatable slide:

Imagine Richard Nixon resigning as President by shouting, "Fuck you America! You won't have Richard Nixon to kick around anymore" grabbing Pat by the hand and slipping out of the White House on an inflatable slide. Or if David Lee Roth quit Van Halen by packing up all his Aqua Net shrieking, "Fuck you Eddie! I'm out of here" and releasing an inflatable slide tucked away in his lycra pants.

The bottom line is:
If this shitty economy has taught us anything it's that there is no job security. We're all adrift, and you've got to sort out your path in a unique way. So if you're going to quit, take a lesson from Steven Slater and do it up right. Burn that fucking bridge down with a monogramed Zippo.

TRANSVESTITE ON THE LOOSE

A Peon Confidential reader just sent me this outrageous article:

TRANSVESTITE HAS SEX WITH DOG IN MOAT OF ENGLISH CASTLE

First off, I'm humbled by the extraordinary array of toilet, fart, pubic waxing and sex related articles that remind you Peon Confidential readers of me. Sometimes they aren't even articles. One of you farted loudly at work once and saw fit to message me about it. So, I'm much obliged.

Secondly, my favorite line in this incredibly strange article is: "the pair spotted the lone transvestite on the morning of Saturday July 10th," as though transvestites are more traditionally spotted in packs, gaggles, flocks or whatever the collective noun is for transvestites.

SAUSAGE AGONY

First things first: tabouli isn't the best thing to eat for breakfast. Not sure why really. And I keep waiting for the day when I'll just magically get one of those fully-stocked, well-organized adult refrigerators packed with Tupperware and I won't have to eat weird shit for breakfast. I'll eat toast with delicious raspberry jam or maybe chocolate chip pancakes. But somehow, I still wind up eating tabouli, a pickle and a hunk of stale cheese.

Anyway-
I just read this headline: "Man Sucked into Sausage Seasoning Machine".

Now, I hasten to add that this man from Danvers, Massachusetts is okay. And he probably ate a better, less tabouli-centric breakfast than me today.

It's just that...I don't think it's possible to live that down. The Sausage Seasoning Machine Incident will be incorporated into wedding toasts, bar stories, family lore and each time someone introduces him to someone new, it will be followed up with "He was sucked into a sausage seasoning machine once."

He might as well just get the t-shirt printed up and embrace it.

DEAD MEN MAKE BAD TRAVEL PARTNERS

File this one under, "People Who Have No Fucking Common Sense And Deserve What They Get".
Just woke up and read this little tidbit:

LONDON (Reuters) – Two women were arrested at a British airport on suspicion of trying to smuggle a dead relative onto a flight bound for Germany, police said on Tuesday.
The 91-year-old deceased man was pushed in a wheelchair through Liverpool's John Lennon airport wearing sunglasses before check-in staff became suspicious and he was prevented from boarding the plane.

Yeah.
You read that right.
They put sunglasses on a 91-year-old corpse and wheeled him though the airport. Now I realize that most 91-year-old men aren't terribly spry. But there's a difference between not sprinting to catch your flight and slumping over while turning blue.

But beyond that, it seems to me that the sunglasses are really what gave them away. This was an airport in Liverpool. Not a city known for it's bright, sunshiny weather. I suspect anyone wearing sunglasses would look suspicious.

AN ENVIRONMENTALLY FRIENDLY ORGASM

Have I got news for you today!
I'd like to preface this post by telling you that I try to do my part for the environment.
I recycle my bottles, cans and newspapers. I re-use the plastic containers from my take-out meals. I use the subway.
But I am deeply excited to take it to the next level...

An Irish company has created the world's first green vibrator!

DUBLIN (AFP) – When world leaders in Copenhagen argue for days in knife-edge talks to save the planet, what more fitting way to relieve the tension than an environmentally-friendly vibrator?
The global sex toy industry is worth an annual 15 billion dollars (22 billion euros), and uses up a mountain of batteries in the process, many of which end up as toxic waste.
But now one Irish company reckons they've got the solution to shake up the market: a vibrator they are calling the world's first-ever "green technology sex toy".
The Earth Angel, described as "eight inches (20 centimetres) with a sleek white finish", is a wind-up vibrator which comes with a handle built into the bottom.
"You just flip out the handle, grab a hold of it there, and you just wind it," said Janice O'Connor, the co-founder with her husband Chris, of Caden Enterprises which makes the gadget.
"So for four minutes of doing that, you should generate enough power to give you 30 minutes of full-on, right-to-the top vibrations," she told AFP.
She added: "I've only used it a couple of times, and it's fantastic. It's very intense, and sometimes, at the top level, depending on the person that's using it, it can actually be too intense sometimes.
"That's why we have four different levels on it."
The vibrator is made of 100 percent recyclable materials and the couple hope it will encourage sex toy fans around the globe to do their bit for the environment.

Three cheers for mother earth and good vibrations.

RELIGIOUS VISIONS IN HOUSEHOLD ITEMS: THE TIMELINE

So-
Every so often, there will be a news report about some deluded individual who sees either The Virgin Mary or Jesus in a potato chip, a pizza pan or an egg sandwich. (For some reason, these people never see Moses or Elijah.) The blessed item will often be placed under a glass pie cover to respect and preserve it. Citizens of the hamlet where this miraculous sighting took place will gather 'round it, bearing witness to religious history. (These sightings rarely happen in large cities, presumably because people are too busy to notice such things.)

Well, it's happened again.

This time the lucky visionary is Mary Jo Coady of Methuen, Massachusetts, who discovered the face of Jesus on her iron. (See above photo)

Now, maybe I'm not as sophisticated as Mary Jo Coady, but I don't see it. And I've really tried. But all I see is a burnt iron, and I worry about what happened to the clothes she was ironing.

Then I tried to picture the timeline of this miraculous event. Since I wasn't there, I have to fill in the details from my imagination. So I figured the timeline might go something like this:

9:30am: Mary Jo Coady finishes a hearty breakfast, in which for a thrilling moment she thinks she's seen the Virgin Mary in her Eggo Waffle, but ultimately concludes that she was mistaken. She sighs.


9:45am: Mary Jo Coady goes to the laundry room, wearily piling up the clothes she has to iron. She puts on the Adult Contemporary radio station ("The Greatest Hits of Yesterday and Today!") to put a little kick in her step. 


10:00am: Mary Jo Coady begins ironing. 


10:15am: Mary Jo Coady gets distracted while reminiscing about her exciting and educational trip to Colonial Williamsburg two years ago. The result is that she burns her favorite Quaker Factory sweatshirt.


10:17am: After a brief moment of grief, Mary Jo Coady turns that frown upside down. Because she examines her iron which reveals...the face of Jesus. 


10:25am: Mary Jo Coady calls up some friends and tells them about the Heavenly Glory in her laundry room. 


11:00am: Mary Jo Coady's coffee klatch descends upon her house to inspect the Blessed Burnt Iron.


11:30am: Over a cup of Maxwell House and pie, one of her friends (the wacky, crazy, fun gal--she's a hoot!) throws out the idea that they should contact the local news station. 


11:40am: More coffee.


12:00pm: Amped up on Maxwell House, Mary Jo Coady calls the local news station. The Assignment Desk is enthralled by her tale of religious imagery in domestic drudgery, and they send a reporter to her house.


Thus, Mary Jo Coady has cemented her place in local news lore...


UPDATE: Here I thought my Eggo Waffle bit was sarcastic, but now I find that in Port St. Lucie, FL a woman just sold a pancake that she claims shows a vision of Jesus and Mary. She managed to make a 338.00 windfall from her Holy Pancake.

CALLING JOHN WATERS

One of you thoughtful Peons sent me a link to a story with the following headline:

Swedish Lesbians Suck Sperm Banks Dry

Intrigued, I read the story and found this headline directly underneath:

US Woman Attacks Missus With Sperm-Filled Syringe

What I wouldn't give for a hotline to John Waters' house in Baltimore. (And yes, the hotline phone would be a 1950's pink princess model.) Surely the mustachioed director responsible for such classics as "Pink Flamingos" "Female Trouble" and "Serial Mom" could combine these two headlines to create a cinematic masterpiece.

So John, if you're a chronic self-Googler like me and happen to read this, here are five possible film titles for this spooge-filled romp:

1. Attack of The Sperm Crazed Lesbians

2. The Stockholm Ejaculate Syndicate

3. Cum Pirates from Outer Space

4. Semen Smorgasbord

5. Friedborg and Torborg: The Quest for Cum

Any others?

BLOOD, SWEAT AND TEARS

If you're eating something at your computer right now, read this later:

HONG KONG (AFP) – An Indonesian maid has appeared in a Hong Kong court accused of adding menstrual blood to her employer's food in an effort to improve their stormy relationship, a report said Thursday.
Indra Ningsih, aged 26, mixed the blood in a pot of vegetables in the belief that the recipe would help smooth over her difficult work environment, The Standard newspaper reported.
In some southeast Asian cultures, menstrual blood is thought to have special powers, the paper added.
The maid has been charged with one count of "administering poison or other destructive or noxious substances with intent to injure," and has not yet entered a plea.

Wow.
I can sort of understand the notion that menstrual blood has magical powers, as men are often completely and utterly grossed out by the concept. Hell, so are women sometimes. It creates quite a strong reaction, which I suppose is magical.
But it would seem to me that there are better ways of improving relations with your boss.

-You could present your boss with one of those Mrs. Fields Cookie Cakes or a Hickory Farms basket of sausage and cheese.
-You could send a singing telegram or a balloon bouquet.
-You could offer to stay late on a Friday.

But flavoring the soup with menstrual blood is probably not your best option.

NON-ALCOHOLIC WAKE?

I am slightly confused by the following story. I thought people were supposed to drink at wakes?
Was this a dry county in Arkansas? Why bother calling it a wake at all if you can't drink? At that point it's a memorial service.
I can't blame this woman for refusing to leave her beer can behind. She heard it was a wake and expected booze. And she traveled out of state to get there.
I hate false advertising...

MAGNOLIA, Ark. – Sheriff's deputies said a Texas woman started a brawl at a wake in Arkansas when she arrived with a beer can in her hand. The woman, 52, faces a third-degree domestic battery charges, as does another woman, 46, over the March 29 fight. Deputies said the first woman arrived at the Christies Chapel Church with a beer can in hand and that she refused to leave.

EXTENDED WEAR UNDERPANTS

Hello Peons!
I have some truly startling news to deliver today...

HOUSTON (Reuters) – Teen-age boys, are you tired of embarrassing questions about when you last changed underwear? Japan's space scientists may have just the answer -- a line of odour-free underwear and casual clothing.
Koichi Wakata, the first Japanese astronaut to live on the International Space Station, is testing the clothes, called J-ware and created by textile experts at Japan Women's University in Tokyo.
"He can wear his trunks (underwear) more than a week," said Koji Yanagawa, an official with the Japanese Aerospace Exploration Agency.

This is terrifying.
Is this "extended wear underpants" discovery the new Tang?
You know, an appalling product that was specifically designed for astronauts but for some inexplicable reason found it's way into homes across the nation?

I don't even know where to begin on this one.

A SLIP OF THE DUNG

As always, I am ignoring the big picture today and focusing on shit:

BANGKOK, Thailand – A count of elephant dung revealed a surprisingly large endangered elephant population — more than 600 — in Malaysia's biggest national park, researchers said Thursday.
The number of endangered Asian elephants had always been a mystery as researchers tried to visually count every one of the frequently shifting crowd in the dense jungle.
But the new method of counting dung piles came up with an estimate of 631 animals living in Taman Negara National Park, the New York-based Wildlife Conservation Society and Malaysia Department of Wildlife and National Parks said.

Now, this is good news, if it's true. I love elephants and am glad to know that they are livin' large in Malaysia.
But, I am concerned about this new dung counting method of population assessment:

How do they know that each pile of dung is from a different elephant? What if one elephant just had an upset stomach (say he drank too many margaritas) and they counted his dung piles as the work of three elephants?
I mean, not to get too graphic, but...I suspect there have been times where a VJDutton dung count would be way off, if this method was employed. Dung tabulators would assume there were at least 5 VJDuttons roaming around Manhattan.

Huh.

Isn't freedom of the press great? I mean, aren't you glad you live in a country where this blog isn't censored? Wouldn't it be a travesty if you hadn't read this blog today?

MARRIAGE=MEAT

Color me bewildered:

GREENFIELD, Calif. – Police have arrested a Greenfield man for allegedly arranging to sell his 14-year-old daughter into marriage in exchange for $16,000, 100 cases of beer and several cases of meat.

Several cases of meat. Was it rump roast, chuck roast, brisket, or prime rib? And why stop there when bartering away your daughter's life? If you're going to ask for several cases of meat, why not ask for:

1. A crate of Fruit of the Loom sweat socks

2. 12 boxes of ShamWows

3. A year's supply of Ore-Ida TaterTots

4. A truckload of Tucks hemorrhoid pads

5. Several Drakkar Noir gift sets from J.C. Penney

10 CREATIVE WAYS OF TRANSPORTING BOOZE

We have an enterprising boozer with a commitment to the cause that we're celebrating here on Peon Confidential today:

BILLINGS, Mont. – A school bus driver made an unscheduled stop at a liquor store, then allegedly asked a student to help hide her purchases when police stopped her, the district superintendent said. It does not appear the driver had been drinking, Billings Public Schools Superintendent Jack Copps said. No charges had been filed but the driver quit her job this week.

This woman was not about to go without her booze, and used any means necessary to ensure she got it.
I appreciate her tenacity and resourcefulness. She makes other boozers seem lazy in comparison.

But it got me to thinking of other creative ways to transport booze in a pinch:

1. By mule/camel/shetland pony

2. Tucked inside Phillip Seymore Hoffman's ass

3. On a Zamboni

4. Strapped to Celine Dion

5. Pulled by a tribe of pygmies

6. In a rickshaw driven by Regis Philbin

7. In a Miata driven by Richard Simmons

8. On Tootie's roller skates

9. In a Frito-Lay van hijacked by Chad Lowe

10. On The Great Space Coaster

Any others?

RENEGADE CHURCHGOER JUSTICE: IT'S ON, MOTHER FUCKER

Don't fuck with these parishioners:

JENSEN BEACH, Fla. – Police arrested a Connecticut man after he tried to steal communion wafers during a church service. The Martin County Sheriff's Office said 33-year-old John Samuel Ricci, of Canton, was cornered by fellow churchgoers when he grabbed a handful of wafers from the priest during communion services Saturday.
The Stuart News reported that Ricci was being held down by six or seven offended parishioners when deputies arrived at St. Martin de Porres Catholic Church in Jensen Beach. Police say two parishioners, ages 82 and 61, received minor injuries in the scuffle.
Ricci was charged with two counts of simple battery, theft and disruption of a religious assembly. He was being held Tuesday on $2,000 bond at the Martin County Jail.

The man was probably just hungry. As you can see from the photo, he doesn't look particularly well nourished. (Or groomed for that matter.) I love that he was "cornered" by fellow churchgoers, as he was clutching excess amounts of the body of Christ. I'm picturing an ornery gaggle of women in floral dresses and pantyhose, their thighs rubbing together and making that "whisp whisp" noise. And as they held him down he was probably suffocated by clouds of Elizabeth Arden perfume and pious outrage.

I'm assuming this guy didn't know that these wafers aren't a taste sensation. I learned this early on, which prompted me to ask why communion wafers didn't come in nacho cheese or barbeque flavor.

I never got an answer, just a stern look.

THE ART OF THE FART

It is with great pride that I tell you this:
I woke up this morning, logged into my e-mail account and saw that TWO of you delightful Peons had sent me the following story. It is very flattering to know that when people see a story about farting, I am the go to recipient of that story.
If this were an SAT exam, the correct equation might read: "Pet hair is to black pants as VJDutton is to fart stories."

SOUTH CHARLESTON, W.Va. - A West Virginia man who police said passed gas and fanned it toward a patrolman has been charged with battery on a police officer.
Jose A. Cruz, 34, of Clarksburg, was pulled over early Tuesday for driving without headlights, police said. According to the criminal complaint, Cruz smelled of alcohol, had slurred speech and failed three field sobriety tests before he was handcuffed and taken to a police station for a breathalyzer test.
As Patrolman T.E. Parsons prepared the machine, Cruz scooted his chair toward Parsons, lifted his leg and "passed gas loudly," the complaint said.
Cruz, according to complaint, then fanned the gas toward the officer.
"The gas was very odorous and created contact of an insulting or provoking nature with Patrolman Parsons," the complaint alleged.
Cruz acknowledged passing gas, but said he didn't move his chair toward the officer nor aim gas at the patrolman. He said he had an upset stomach at the time, but police denied his request to go to the bathroom when he first arrived at the station.
"I couldn't hold it no more," he said.

Yeah. The last line is my favorite too.