Check it, Peons: Your CNN Humiliation Compartmentalized

Monday, June 27, 2011


I am so fucking mad.
I feel like I slept through my own birthday party or something.

By sheer happenstance, I stumbled across a news story from over a month ago that was custom made for Peon Confidential.
I cannot understand how it got lost in the news cycle shuffle. I'm blaming Weiner for this travesty. All the focus was on making bad dick jokes and the important, high quality news stories slipped through the cracks. So, although this is technically old news, it's going to be discussed here today. I can't not write about this story. I won't be able to rest otherwise.

In a legal triumph for hardcore diddlers everywhere, a Brazilian judge ruled that Ana Catarian Bezerra, a 36-year-old accountant, can legally masturbate at work and watch porn on her computer.

Now, before you go running to your boss demanding to put a vibrator and a copy of "Good Will Humping" on your expense account, realize that this was a hard won battle. Ms. Bezerra had to successfully argue that she "suffers from a chemical imbalance that triggers severe anxiety and hypersexuality". So, that's a pretty high standard. It's not just that she has an occasional itch she needs to scratch after her lunch break.

Still, I have a few questions about how this ruling will be put into practice:

1. Will she get her own special Masturbatorium? Or will she just tease the taco in the bathroom?

2. Does she share office equipment? Phones, staplers, the break room coffee maker? If so, I think that should come to an end.

3. Are these scheduled masturbation breaks? Like, will they be every hour on the hour? Or can she just stroke the kitty at her whim?

4. If these are scheduled masturbation breaks, can you imagine the knowing looks on her co-workers faces as she leaves the room? "Oh, there goes Ana again, off to polish the pearl."

5. Do you think her co-workers ever eat any casseroles she brings to office potlucks? I bet they just sit there, untouched, congealing, coated in suspicion.

Okay, I think we're done here...only because I've run out of stupid euphemisms for female masturbation.

No comments: