Check it, Peons: Your CNN Humiliation Compartmentalized

Thursday, June 09, 2011


Get ready for some over-sharing today here on Peon Confidential.
Because I just learned something the hard way.
There are two things you should never try to do yourself:

One is electrical wiring and the other is bikini waxing.

But let's focus on the second thing.
So there I was at the Duane Reade, wandering around, reading trashy magazines, trying to figure out which chocolate bar was the least fattening and making a nuisance of myself when the Sally Hansen bikini waxing kit caught my eye. It seemed foolproof. Maybe even fun! And I thought to myself, I'm no DIY novice. I've hung wallpaper. I've painted the bathroom. I can do this. And how could a product with a comforting name like Sally Hansen steer me wrong? Yeah. Sally Hansen. She's the woman in the next cubicle who always has an extra stick of gum and sneaks off to have a cigarette after lunch, spraying herself with cheap perfume afterwards to cover up the smell of smoke.

Sally Hansen.

I guess I'd forgotten that names can be misleading. Look at Sallie Mae and Fannie Mae. They sound like a couple of Baptist sisters who might offer you some pink lemonade on a lazy summer afternoon.

I took Sally home with me and...let's just say this wasn't like other DIY projects. This was no wallpaper situation. It looks like a fucking warzone down there. No joke--it actually looks like Afghanistan. You know, bare but with a few scraggly tufts here and there. Like this:

My take on this sad affair? Sally Hansen is a Pussy Assassin.

Yeah. I know. I'm squandering my 1st Amendment rights by writing this stupid shit. But you needed a break from Weinergate, didn't you?


Anonymous said...

Okay. Now what's your electrical wiring story?

Serm said...

You should really stick to wallpapering. You're good at that.

LAZ said...

Install Hardwood Floors...
No need to match the drapes...

vjdutton said...

Sally Hansen scarred me for life and all you people can do is laugh. Buncha heartless bastards.

Anonymous said...

As always, magnificent job with the photos! Inspired storytelling, once again...and, The Afghanistan parallel is a first, I must say.

Anonymous said...

Looking at the waxing pro here, it gives new meaning to eager beaver. He seems...thorough, and decidedly two-handed about his work.