Check it, Peons: Your CNN Humiliation Compartmentalized

Sunday, July 03, 2011


I am saddened to report that the Wayward Baboon of New Jersey has been captured. He has been tranquilized and returned to the Six Flags Great Adventure Park.

This is depressing. I was really rooting for that vagabond primate! His wanderlust was admirable. I was hoping he'd take the Holland Tunnel and visit me in New York. We'd eat bananas, make high pitched screetching noises and throw poop at each other. I could get down with that. And I'm sure my neighbors would appreciate it too.

But if he wasn't going to visit me, I wanted him to keep on ramblin'. I wanted kids to be playing in the park and notice this baboon on the monkey bars. I wanted housewives to look out their kitchen windows to see him stealing an apple pie cooling on the sill. (Okay, I know it's not 1955 but it's still a funny image.) I wanted him to sneak into a multi-plex and heckle Tom Cruise movies. I wanted him to knock on Bruce Springteen's door and ask for a cup of sugar.

Apparently, when this Roaming Baboon was captured, he was making his way toward the Jersey Shore. (I'd make a Snooki/hot tub joke here but what's the point?)

So I'm making a request to those of you reading this: On the 4th of July, when we celebrate our American freedom, let's raise a toast to the Wayward Baboon of New Jersey. His freedom jaunt ended far too soon.


SERM said...

Don't think I like the way Captain Combover's handling the b'boon. Wouldn't be surprised if the b'boon hurled some fecies at the handler before they went their separate ways.

vjdutton said...

Sadly, he was tranquilized, so I doubt poop-tossing occurred. But I like the way you think Serm!