Sunday, July 03, 2011
THE WAYWARD BABOON OF NEW JERSEY
I am saddened to report that the Wayward Baboon of New Jersey has been captured. He has been tranquilized and returned to the Six Flags Great Adventure Park.
This is depressing. I was really rooting for that vagabond primate! His wanderlust was admirable. I was hoping he'd take the Holland Tunnel and visit me in New York. We'd eat bananas, make high pitched screetching noises and throw poop at each other. I could get down with that. And I'm sure my neighbors would appreciate it too.
But if he wasn't going to visit me, I wanted him to keep on ramblin'. I wanted kids to be playing in the park and notice this baboon on the monkey bars. I wanted housewives to look out their kitchen windows to see him stealing an apple pie cooling on the sill. (Okay, I know it's not 1955 but it's still a funny image.) I wanted him to sneak into a multi-plex and heckle Tom Cruise movies. I wanted him to knock on Bruce Springteen's door and ask for a cup of sugar.
Apparently, when this Roaming Baboon was captured, he was making his way toward the Jersey Shore. (I'd make a Snooki/hot tub joke here but what's the point?)
So I'm making a request to those of you reading this: On the 4th of July, when we celebrate our American freedom, let's raise a toast to the Wayward Baboon of New Jersey. His freedom jaunt ended far too soon.