Check it, Peons: Your CNN Humiliation Compartmentalized

Thursday, April 19, 2007


I'm a little bummed out.
Ever since I found out that Malaysia has an Official Bigfoot Tracking Team (government funded no less) I have been intrigued by this amazing career opportunity. I was going to leave the world of TV behind and make Bigfoot tracking my next professional move. I wondered what kind of uniform the Official Bigfoot Trackers wear. I envisioned my tax return, with Official Bigfoot Tracker listed as my profession. I imagined "talking shop" with the other Official Bigfoot Trackers. We'd feel superior to the amateur trackers, with our "official" status. I pictured myself at glittering cocktail parties, enthralling everyone with my exotic Bigfoot tales. People would shun the astronauts, porn stars, Nascar racers and taxidermists in the room and come rushing over to me, rapt with interest.

So you can imagine how excited I was to come across this site:

It's a goldmine, and answers such questions as "How come no one is trying to shoot a bigfoot with a tranquilizer gun?" and "Do bigfoots climb trees?"

But my dreams were dashed when I realized that you can't just become a member of this esteemed organization. You have to be invited. And there is an intense screening process. It's like a fucking New York Co-Op board. And I don't think I could take the humiliation of being rejected from the Bigfoot Field Researchers Organization.

Then I noticed that July 12-15th there is a Bigfoot tracking excursion in Michigan! Michigan, the place where I have a newfound cosmic connection. It also appeared that they allow non-members to attend. But further investigation revealed that it is sold out! This is devastating. Also weird. Who knew there were so many people desperate to track Bigfoot in Michigan?

It's only noon and already the day is steeped in disappointment.
But I'll tell you this:
I'm buying a damn Bigfoot Field Researchers Organization t-shirt.
I deserve it.
Nobody, not even Bigfoot can stand in my way.

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