HAIRY PALMED TRESPASSER

I really think I need to visit Michigan. The following is the second great Michigan story I've read lately. This sublime bit of journalism is from a college newspaper called The Michigan Daily. The bold headline (one to make Walter Winchell proud) is:


"MASTURBATING TRESPASSER BOOTED FROM FRAT"

You read that right. Trespassing, Masturbating and a Frat house. Perfection. For your pleasure I'll post this gem along with running commentary:

"Police have been unable to locate a woman who entered the Pi Kappa Alpha fraternity house without permission on Thursday and began to masturbate on a couch."

(What kind of an APB did they put out on this one? Also, this was a frat house. I suspect she could have avoided the trespassing charge if she had knocked on the door and politely asked, "Can I just sit for a spell and masturbate?" I don't think it would have been a problem.)

"While fraternity members were eating in the dining room, a woman entered the house's living room, took off her clothes and started masturbating, said LSA junior Dan Nye, the president of the Washtenaw Avenue fraternity. No one saw the woman enter the house or knew how she got in...Fraternity members asked the woman to leave the house, but she refused and continued masturbating for about half an hour, Nye said."

(Half an hour? They let her continue for half an hour? If this were a man in a sorority house masturbating, he'd barely have the time to slap his pecker around for two seconds before a member of the sisterhood would whip out her pink Motorola RAZR and shriek out a call to 911. )

"When members asked the woman if she was all right, she casually replied that she was fine, he said. The woman was talking on her cell phone at one point, said LSA sophomore Adam Bayard, a member of the fraternity."

(She was on her cell phone, while trespassing and masturbating. Was she checking stock quotes? Calling in sick to work? Talking to mom? "Hi mom...I know I haven't called much. I'm sorry, I've just been really busy lately."
This is exactly why I think our multi-tasking society is getting out of hand...so to speak. People can't even enjoy the simple pleasures of masturbation anymore.)

"She walked out of the front door wearing only a thigh-length black coat after a fraternity member called the police, Nye said. When police arrived minutes later, the woman had already left...The woman told fraternity members that her name was Melissa and she was a student at Eastern Michigan University, according to the police report."

(When did THIS conversation take place? Was she still masturbating when introductions were made? Were refreshments provided? How civilized these frat boys are, making pleasant conversation with their guest.)

"Fraternity members said they will throw out two couches in the living room because of the incident, Nye said."

(You know they're just saying this because they're worried the cute sorority girls won't have sex with them on those couches anymore after the crazed masturbating trespasser trickled juice on them. Otherwise, they'd have just spritzed a little Febreze or wiped down the pleather with Windex and called it a day.)

"Police said the break-in appeared to be an isolated incident."

(WHEW! I'm glad to know that she isn't making the rounds from house to house like Goldilocks, masturbating on different couches until she finds one that is "juuust riiight".)

Side note:
For anyone having trouble placing the face of the woman in the photo above, that's Jocelyn Elders, the first female US Surgeon General and patron saint of masturbators. In 1994, Bill Clinton fired her when she posited the notion that masturbation “is something that is part of human sexuality and its part of something that perhaps should be taught.”

Jocelyn Elders, we salute you, a woman too smart and saucy for her time. You'll always have respect here on Peon Confidential at least.