HOLIDAY INTROSPECTION

I woke up a little melancholy this morning.
I always wonder how that happens. How can we wake up sad? Is it the remnants of depressing dreams? After all, nothing has happened yet today. I haven't been rejected by a publisher or been yelled at by some loon on the subway. I did not wake up to a fresh new pimple on my nose.

So I poured myself a cup of coffee, put on the Christmas lights and some music.
Vince Guaraldi's "A Charlie Brown Christmas" soundtrack came on, and I smiled. A tiny smile. But it still counts.

One of the reasons I love "A Charlie Brown Christmas" is because of the way the music and tone perfectly capture the strange melancholy of the holiday season.
Most people talk about the joy of Christmas; the festive parties, shiny presents, and loud family gatherings.
And that's part of it.
But it's also the end of the year; the most introspective time of the year. During the long, dark nights, you reflect upon who you are, what you've accomplished. It's oddly lonely, in that you realize no matter how many people you have in your life, whether you have a wife, husband, partner, kids, friends, dogs, cats...everyone still travels through this life alone. Even if you have people along for the ride, there are secret detours that only you can take.

In some ways, that's why I love to write. It's fascinating to see how an idea that belonged to me alone when it was floating around in my head changes once it's translated for you to read. An idea that was so beautiful when it only belonged to me often becomes misshapen and odd once I've offered it up to you. I don't know why that is. (It probably means I'm a shitty writer, now that I think about it.)

But that's also why even if I feel lonely sometimes, I'm glad there are certain parts of our inner selves that we don't share with anyone. And during this season of giving, I'm more aware than ever that there are some things I'll always keep to myself...