Check it, Peons: Your CNN Humiliation Compartmentalized

Monday, December 10, 2007

IRRATIONAL CELEBRITY HATRED


So-
I know it's the holidays, and I should not be thinking unkind thoughts. I should be thinking about wondrous children, delicious cookies and adorable cards featuring contented mice clutching tiny cups of hot chocolate by the fire.
However:
I can't help it. Today I woke up thinking of celebrities that I really hate for no apparent reason at all. And I'm not talking about the obvious, idiotic celebs like Paris Hilton, George Bush or anyone from "The Hills".
No, what I'm talking about here is talented, attractive celebrities who have done nothing to offend me. I am not a waitress who has been poorly tipped by any of them. I am not a prostitute who has been forced to eat a shit cake by any of them.
I simply don't like the following people. I hate them so much that I will not see a movie/watch a TV show that features any of them. It's shameful thing to admit, especially now that Santa is on heightened alert. But I feel compelled to unleash the following list:

1. Katherine Heigl. I don't care how you pronounce your name, I just call you "That woman I can't fucking stand for no apparent reason."

2. Rachel Ray. I think this is because we are both squat little women, and I worry that my body looks like hers. Possibly worse. And that upsets me. Immensely.

3. Justin Timberlake. He hung Janet Jackson out to dry after the Nipplegate fiasco. And I will love that woman forever, mostly because someday I want this scenario to happen in a bar:

SUAVE GUY: I noticed you from across the room, and had to say hello. What's your name?
ME: Saara. Miss Dutton if you're nasty.

4. Gwenyth Paltrow. I realize that I am not alone on this. In fact, I think her fame is partly based on women hating her, yet being drawn to her particular brand of anemic, scrawny, vegetarian beauty. I'm not. I think she looks like she'd have a permanent yeast infection.

5. Patricia Cornwell. Not an actress/TV personality, I know. Instead she's an immensely successful, attractive author. Loaded, books in every airport, constantly on the best seller list. Plus, the books are well-written thrillers. So I can't even say she's a hack...Bitch.

Anybody else want to unleash some irrational celebrity hatred?

9 comments:

Hello, Lover! said...

Sarah Jessica Parker.
Probably a nice person.
Or maybe not.
Either way: ##$%^%^&&^%%$#@@!!!!!!!!!
Why are you rich and famous and I'm not?

Rachel Ray's Joker Grin said...

Does this mean you don't want some EVOO?

Chubby Little Cook said...

YUMMMMMM-OH!

DF said...

ROSIE ODONNELL because she's an obnoxious moron...and she can't spell.

Here is a quote from her blog:

today
out in the bay
there r no words
really

80 % say conspiracy re jfk
hmmmm

gonna get a ? of the day button
this will b fun

maybe a graph
pie chart
something

dolphins
a nudge
from above
4 me

____________________

I did not alter that in any way. That's how she writes. She's a moron. Who does she think she is, E.E. Cummings?

Are we supposed to think, "Gee, that Rosie really is artistic, and she really knows how to express herself." No Rosie, you're an idiot. Learn to write you fucking sloppy human filth.

Oh wait, VJ Dutton asked for people we hate for no apparent reason.

How about Wilder Valderrama? That tool produces a show called "Yo Momma." Sadly, this show is worse than "Mama's Family," and anyone that's ever watched "Mama's Family" knows that says a lot.

I know peons and you sir are no peon! said...

I hate to say it, but I have to go with AC of AC360 fame. Yes, he has dreamy baby blues, blah, blah, blah, reported from war zones, blah, blah, blah. Did he ever survive a $15-20K annual salary? DId he ever have to find change in the couch for well drinks & PBR at Moes and Joes, buy Dockers, face an angry Roz, pull scripts for Lou Waters, get yelled at by mean EPs on a power trip, sample the Turkey Tetrazzini, scam drink coupons for the Holiday Party, bribe other peons for shift changes, etc., etc., etc.? I think NOT, AC!

Anonymous said...

1) I know this is redundant, but I must second that dancer Justin Timberlake. He's a lame boy-band grad with applesauce-colored pubes on his dome. Your music sucks, and you look like an absolute poser tooling around in an MC5 t-shirt.

2) Angelina Jolie: annoying incest schtick with brother at awards ceremony a few years back, even more annoying schtick with Bad Santa a few years back, one trick pony actress (does that crazy-eye thing as her go-to move). That move is almost as bad as Tom Cruise with his "I'm intense, see how fiercely I squint as I stare right through your skull"...Right, she's an Oscar Award Winner! Wonderful. She wasn't even the best performer in that film.

3) Nathan Lane: What is he always smiling about? The fact that he's pulled one over on the public? He looks a hybrid of Corky, from Life Goes On (only fatter) and Australopithecus Afarensis. He's kind of a fat Down Syndrome/Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer.

4) Corky from Life Goes On, but only because he kind of looks like Nathan Lane, whom I despise. Well, I also hold a grudge: Corky should've done something to end the career of Kellie Martin. I'll never forgive him for that.

5) That guy with initials for a first name that's in that medical dramedy with Katherine Heigl. He looks like Corky, too. Someone should hit him in the face with a flat-head shovel.

Ashton Kutcher said...

Rumer "Mr. Potato Head" Willis.

Rachael Ray's Man-voice said...

Dr. McFucking Extra Anchovies. Spare me the dreamy...you're nothin' but an 80's craptastic movie actor. I simply cannot look at him without thinking about extra anchovies.

Hmmmm who else...?

Oh, fo reals..Zac Efron. Could he be any less masculine? THIS is who young teens are screaming for?(Well, wait a sec..after all, I did have a huge crush on George Michael in 1985. Not like he was the picture of masculinity.) But, I digress. Zac Efron bugs. Period. His annoying, air-brushed, I am the newest addition to 'hot, young hollywood', almost cross-dressing creepiness really weirds me out.

a former audio-spud said...

Martha Stewart. Still. She's frikkin' June Cleaver on crack. I still remember vjdutton's comment during the "Marthagate" trial... "she's so anal retentive she probably makes her own tampons with beeswax and lamb's wool!"

The whole Spears clan. Proves yet again you tane take the girl out of the trailer park, but can't take the trailer park out of the girl.

Any former celeb on any VH1/MTV/UPN/CBS/OFU/ETC "reality" show. Your fifteen minutes were up ten years ago. Build a bridge, and f%$^&g get over it.