Monday, December 10, 2007
IRRATIONAL CELEBRITY HATRED
I know it's the holidays, and I should not be thinking unkind thoughts. I should be thinking about wondrous children, delicious cookies and adorable cards featuring contented mice clutching tiny cups of hot chocolate by the fire.
I can't help it. Today I woke up thinking of celebrities that I really hate for no apparent reason at all. And I'm not talking about the obvious, idiotic celebs like Paris Hilton, George Bush or anyone from "The Hills".
No, what I'm talking about here is talented, attractive celebrities who have done nothing to offend me. I am not a waitress who has been poorly tipped by any of them. I am not a prostitute who has been forced to eat a shit cake by any of them.
I simply don't like the following people. I hate them so much that I will not see a movie/watch a TV show that features any of them. It's shameful thing to admit, especially now that Santa is on heightened alert. But I feel compelled to unleash the following list:
1. Katherine Heigl. I don't care how you pronounce your name, I just call you "That woman I can't fucking stand for no apparent reason."
2. Rachel Ray. I think this is because we are both squat little women, and I worry that my body looks like hers. Possibly worse. And that upsets me. Immensely.
3. Justin Timberlake. He hung Janet Jackson out to dry after the Nipplegate fiasco. And I will love that woman forever, mostly because someday I want this scenario to happen in a bar:
SUAVE GUY: I noticed you from across the room, and had to say hello. What's your name?
ME: Saara. Miss Dutton if you're nasty.
4. Gwenyth Paltrow. I realize that I am not alone on this. In fact, I think her fame is partly based on women hating her, yet being drawn to her particular brand of anemic, scrawny, vegetarian beauty. I'm not. I think she looks like she'd have a permanent yeast infection.
5. Patricia Cornwell. Not an actress/TV personality, I know. Instead she's an immensely successful, attractive author. Loaded, books in every airport, constantly on the best seller list. Plus, the books are well-written thrillers. So I can't even say she's a hack...Bitch.
Anybody else want to unleash some irrational celebrity hatred?