Check it, Peons: Your CNN Humiliation Compartmentalized

Wednesday, December 12, 2007


Today, I am applauding New Zealand. Check this:

WELLINGTON (Reuters) - A New Zealand woman who sent a naked man to the wrong house on the promise of a good time has been charged with misusing a telephone, local media reported on Wednesday.
The 17-year-old woman sent the man an enticing text message offering him an early Christmas present in the shape of two friendly women and suggested he take off his clothes to save time, the Manawatu Standard reported. The 31-year old man wasted no time in arriving at the house, and took off his clothes and threw them through the window before entering.
But it was the wrong house and the householder did not see the funny side. The police were called and the man arrested for being unlawfully on a property. The woman, who sent the tempting but deliberately wayward message, was also tracked down and charged for misusing a telephone.

This story is brilliant. Charged with "misusing a telephone". I say we take that concept and apply it to an irritation that has grown steadily worse over the past five years: being within earshot of obnoxious, overbearing, idiotic, unnecessary cell phone conversations. And as we all know, there are multiple types of offenders:

1. The "Lonely Phoner" Offender
This person is ashamed to eat dinner/lunch at a cafe alone, so they talk on their cell phone the ENTIRE TIME. This apparently proclaims to other diners; "See! I'm not a loser! There is a friend on the other end of this phone! That's right! Plenty of people like me! ME!"
As I eat alone often and don't give a shit if people think I'm a loser, I am usually tempted to grab the cell phone and shove it up this person's ass with a cheery, "You're sitting all by yourself. Just you. With a cell phone up your ass. Deal with it."

2. The "Indecisive Shopper" Offender
This person cannot buy a pair of socks, a package of Jimmy Dean sausage or a stick of deodorant without consulting a friend. I was at the grocery store once and heard a man going through every cut of beef and rattling off the price to some cheap fucker on the other end of his cell phone. He caught me looking at him with disgust and I just muttered, "You're some bargain hunter, buddy."

3. The "Dirty Laundry" Offender
This person has no problem walking down the street and bellowing out the most embarrassing, personal information about themselves, their friends and anyone else. A couple weeks ago I was walking down St. Mark's and heard:

"She tol' me her vajayjay's on fire. She got some kind of infection. I tol' her you got to air that shit out when you go to bed. You know? My mom always tol' me you can't wear no underwear to bed. That shit needs to breathe."

I stared at this woman, mostly because my mom told me the same thing, and I got to wondering if this is a country-wide, globe-spanning, culture-connecting adage that all mothers pass along to their daughters. (Seriously--if anyone else's mom told them this, will you let me know? I'm fascinated.)

Anyway-she then glares at me like I'm rude for overhearing her conversation...which is another hallmark of these offenders. This is why I say, good for you New Zealand; holding people accountable for telephone malfeasance. I'd like to see that type of vigilance here in the States.


Anonymous said...

My mom told me to air out my tweenie once in a while. Yes, my tweenie. It's a family word, and has been for many a generation. The origin? Simple - because it's be(tween)ie your legs. My entire family gets a huge chuckle nowadays, with the whole 'tween' generation!

And, by the way...shouldn't vajayjay be vagigi? VaGina, not VaJina. I dunno. I have a lot of time on my hands (ya think?)

Dr. Ruth said...

I love the word tweenie! That's awesome!