Check it, Peons: Your CNN Humiliation Compartmentalized

Tuesday, August 07, 2007


I was at the supermarket last night where I saw a very young, (18 years old tops) very pregnant cashier. A bit sad yes, but it got me to thinking:
Which song was playing in the background when her horny, pimply Casanova planted his careless seed?
And as she was not the speediest cashier, I had time to consider this:
Which distinguished songs comprise the all-time greatest "Unplanned Pregnancy Soundtack"? You know, the mellow songs that were moaning from the 8-track player in a shag carpeted 70's van, (complete with a deer and a sunset airbrushed on the side) the "let me lick you up and down" slow-jam music that thumped from a boom box on a cheap K-Mart desk in a dorm, the heartfelt tunes that were blaring from the floor-mounted, fake wood stereo in the rumpus room (while mom and dad were visiting relatives in Wisconsin.)
In short, the sappy, radio-friendly songs that facilitated After School Special type drama.
(By the way-I think I've figured out the exact moment when we become adults. It's the point at which one of your peers tells you "I'm pregnant" and you respond with "Wow! Congratulations!" instead of "Oh shit...what are you going to do?")

For those who are unfamiliar with the Unplanned Pregnancy Soundtrack Phenomenon, I came up with this top ten list of songs for the daring, foolish love-makers who threw caution and condoms to the wind:

1. "Baby What A Big Surprise" by Chicago
2. "I Just Died in Your Arms Tonight" by Cutting Crew
3. "Lovin' Touchin' Squeezin'" by Journey
4. "Babe" by Styx
5. "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" by Poison
6. "The Heat of The Moment" by Asia
7. "I Swear" by All 4 One
8. "To Be With You" by Mr. Big
9. "Lost In Love" by Air Supply
10. "Baby I Love Your Way" by Peter Frampton

There are many, many more. Please feel free to add your favorites...


DF said...

"Yummy, Yummy, Yummy, (I've got love in my tummy)" by the Ohio Express.

Your Sleazy Neighbor said...

All of my unplanned babies were conceived while listening to Bad Company's classic, "Feel Like Makin' Love" (budump-buh-badump-buh)

Bangin to the Oldies said...

Hey Sleazy Neighbor!

That's the song that was playing on the radio when I lost my virginity in 1991 (obviously it was a classic rock station). Good call!

"Baby, when I think about you...I think about looooooooooooove."

a former audio-spud said...

Which version... Bad Company's, or Ned Gerblansky's cover from South Park?

Anonymous said...

Face down, Ass up?

Anonymous said...

Face Down, Ass Up (by 2 Live Crew, of course)

ds said...

Meatloaf. Paradise. Dashboard. Lights. Action. No one actually listens the lyrics. They just get naked. And then pregnant.

That or Justin Timberlake. Any song. Really.

Rhythm Method said...

Like a Virgin?

a former audio-spud said...

Anything by Barry White.

Let's Get It On or Sexual Healing by Marvin Gaye.

And we can't forget Do Me by Bel Biv Devoe.