Check it, Peons: Your CNN Humiliation Compartmentalized

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

HAPPY 1st ANNIVERSARY!


It's official...
Peon Confidential is a year old! Over the past year, we've shared stories of Peon drudgery and moments of glory, tried to solve Blind Items, offered up (vaguely) sensible advice to college students, exchanged juicy gossip, and made up Barry Manilow inspired songs about Roz the Hashslinger.

So for today's post, I'm going to take a cue from 1980's sitcom writers who got lazy a few times a year and offered up clip shows instead of new storylines. For example--

SCENE: Blanche, Dorothy, Rose and Sophia are sitting around the kitchen table, eating cheese cake.

DOROTHY: Blanche, do you remember how we first met at the supermarket?
BLANCHE: How could I forget it? You rammed your shopping cart into mine with those big manly hands of yours.

CUE SLOW DISSOLVE

So in the spirit of a Golden Girls clip show, I'd like to take this opportunity to offer up some highlights of our first year together...

AUG 2006:
Peon Confidential kicks off with memories of food theft accusations in Read Me, Sports Department Pussy Warriors, and the tragic tale of The Stolen Vagina.

SEPT 2006:
FLOYD YARMUTH.
TACKY FINGER.
CHINESE PENIS TRANSPLANT.

OCT 2006:
I describe the art of fine dining on a Peon budget, and reveal fear of both the weird stains on the breakroom sofa and Rachael Ray

NOV 2006:
An important month at Peon Confidential, as Joe Kinstel's despotic "Dockers Mandate" was brought to light. Also brought to light: evidence that as an infant, I looked just like CNN's Lou Dobbs

DEC 2006:
We learn how
A) CNN's PR hotline was used for porn/masturbatory purposes
and
B) a woman's flatulence caused a plane to make an emergency landing

JAN 2007:
The first month of 2007 brought us a harrowing Dockers-related incident AND a Dead File Mishap

FEB 2007:
The heroic saga of Captain Waterbed

MARCH 2007:
We unearth The Lone Pube Phenomenon

APRIL 2007:
Lone Pube Art, a Roz File update and a University of Michigan student writes in asking for advice from us reformed Peons

MAY 2007:
We come up with several alternative artifacts for the Newseum in D.C., and discuss the pressing problem of Drunk Downloading

JUNE 2007:
It's a month full of undesirables: Criminal Garden Gnomes, Unemployed Cereal Mascots and a Talk Back Live Hooligan

JULY 2007:
Lost crushes revealed!
Larvae infestations!
Litter box loons!

And here we are a year later, still writing and sharing useless, goofy stories.
Here's to you Peon Confidential readers! Thanks for making this blog so much fun...

9 comments:

Larry King said...

Whose one year anniversary is it?
Never heard of it. Anybody seen my jar of Metamucil?

Kiran Chetry said...

Peon Confidential. Um, is that some kind of secret government thing? Because you know that our government is uh, divided into four branches....No, that's three trees. No wait, Bush is the president...and uh, I know there's a Rose Garden at the White House. So it's divided into five rose bushes...no wait...

John Roberts said...

Sigh.

Susan Rook said...

Hey, I've got some great stuff!! Let's PARTYYYY!!!

Roz said...

What is dis? I don't care about no Peon Confidential. I'm jus' tryin' to choose my lottery numbers over here. MMMM-HMMMMM.

Bobbie Battista said...

Party? Where? I don't see any party. Does anyone see a party around here, or is it just me? Everyone is saying there's a party here, but I just don't see it.

Big Lou said...

Party? Where's my Vavoom? AquaNet? Turquiose ring? Who stole my mirror?

ARGGG! WHO'S ON PROMPTER?!!

gordon graham said...

Yabba-dabba-doo!

Jonnathan Mann said...

Saara Dutton... thanks so much for this.