Check it, Peons: Your CNN Humiliation Compartmentalized

Thursday, December 18, 2008

LEAKED CNN MEMO


I love our Peon Confidential spies. You people do great work. You put the CIA and the MI6 to shame.

Yesterday, one of our spies sent me the Time Warner Year End Message from Jeff Bewkes. It was full of the usual "great job folks" type platitudes, and the expected "but in this tough economy, we face certain challenges."

Now, this is all true.
But what pissed off our spy was this line:

"Just as important to our future is making sure that we correctly manage our structure and costs. It's been hard, but we've made good progress on our aggressive agenda for the year."

Why is this so annoying? Well, our spy provided this nugget:

"The terms of Bewkes’ contract with Time Warner include a base salary of $2 million upon his election as chairman and an annual discretionary cash bonus with a target amount of $8.5 million. An additional long-term incentive package puts Bewkes’ total compensation at as much as $19 million."

Naturally, this prompted further analysis:

"WTF? You want to manage costs? How about not having a potential $19 million dollar pay package?"

Indeed.

3 comments:

Jeff Bewkes said...

Err, no. When I said manage costs that's not what I meant. I was more thinking we should cut back on travel expenses. Instead of hotels, people could just pitch a tent in whichever city they're sent to. Instead of per diem money, we could offer Lunchables snack packs.

The Oscar Mayer CEO said...

We highly applaud Mr. Bewkes' Lunchables plan! To show our support, we're introducing the "Anderson Cooper Lunchable." It consists of fruits from around the globe.

Roz said...

They want "Lunchables"? I got some stale Saltines, some Velveeta and some baloney back here. Don't need no damn fancy packaging for "Lunchables"...