Check it, Peons: Your CNN Humiliation Compartmentalized

Thursday, December 11, 2008


Those of you know me are well aware that I don't drive. Never had a driver's license. The whole concept just freaks me out; idiotic me behind the wheel, in control of a car. It actually wakes me up when I have nightmares about driving.
Now, since I live in the United States and not a quaint French village, not having a car has put me in some strange situations.
Such as:

-Getting stranded in downtown Atlanta while looking at lofts, and wandering into a Christian charity office to call a cab. I was allowed to use the phone only after I assured them I had accepted The Lord as my Savior.

-Getting into the back of the cop car that was patrolling St. Pete Beach, Florida. Apparently, I was waiting for a bus that had stopped running. The cop gave me a lift home, not before radioing in that he had a "Caucasian female" in his car. Two days later he tried to get my phone number from the building security guard.

-Considering enlisting in the Navy, because it was within walking distance of my San Diego apartment. I actually called them, and was told with my degree, I could be an officer. I realized how ridiculous this idea was and hung up.

-Considering becoming a stock broker, because Morgan Stanley was within walking distance of my San Diego apartment. I actually took the Morgan Stanley entrance test, but half-way through realized how ridiculous the idea was and proceeded to leave. Some Morgan Stanley bigwig stopped me and called me into his office to give me a pep talk. I still didn't pursue a career as a stock broker.

-Crouching in the back of a New Orleans cab, awaiting gun play, as my cabbie pulled out his gun and called another driver the N word.

-Receiving a pink muumuu and matching shoes plus a decorative brass plate from a Moroccan cab driver who used to drive me home from CNN at 4am every morning.

-Sleeping on Ted Turner's sofa until I could take MARTA at 6am and getting hustled out by two security guards.

-Getting stranded in downtown Cochran, Georgia and having to hang out in Badcock furniture store for an hour, sitting on a Lay-Z-Boy and chatting with the employees. I helped sell a dinette set.

-Actually walking in Atlanta, Georgia, which caused drivers to stop and ask if I was in trouble.

-Actually walking in L.A., where no one asked if I was in trouble but just looked at me like I was insane.


Your Highschool Driving Instructor said...

Saara, you're a lost cause.

vjdutton said...

Wha? Oh. I couldn't hear you. I was smoking a joint behind the gym. Just like the last lesson I missed.