TOILET DREAMS

So-
Last night I was battling some sort of stomach flu till 3am.
Highly unpleasant, clutching that bowl like Rush Limbaugh to a hamburger, vomiting non-stop.
(It's kind of fascinating to play CSI detective with your own barf though, trying to recall when you ate corn.)
But if I had a toilet like the one above, I doubt I'd be complaining as much. I'd be blinded by the crystals.
Cleaning it would be a delight. I'd whistle while I scrubbed it. I'd take laxatives just so I could spend more time on it.
My life would be filled with sunshine if that were my toilet.

Well.

Now that we've cleared that up, happy Friday!

BLIND ITEM UPDATE

So-
I was talking to a CNN alum yesterday about the third comment on Blind Item# 14. This Peon exclaimed that the comment is a rather tasty bit of gossip because:
A) It isn't commonly known
and
B) One person in this equation is married. To someone else.
Now-I don't know if the gossip or the marital status claim is true.
Do you?
If anyone can clear this up for me, I'd be much obliged. Google has let me down. I hope you Peons can come to the rescue.

CALLING JOHN WATERS

One of you thoughtful Peons sent me a link to a story with the following headline:

Swedish Lesbians Suck Sperm Banks Dry

Intrigued, I read the story and found this headline directly underneath:

US Woman Attacks Missus With Sperm-Filled Syringe

What I wouldn't give for a hotline to John Waters' house in Baltimore. (And yes, the hotline phone would be a 1950's pink princess model.) Surely the mustachioed director responsible for such classics as "Pink Flamingos" "Female Trouble" and "Serial Mom" could combine these two headlines to create a cinematic masterpiece.

So John, if you're a chronic self-Googler like me and happen to read this, here are five possible film titles for this spooge-filled romp:

1. Attack of The Sperm Crazed Lesbians

2. The Stockholm Ejaculate Syndicate

3. Cum Pirates from Outer Space

4. Semen Smorgasbord

5. Friedborg and Torborg: The Quest for Cum

Any others?

REAL NEW YORK APARTMENT #2

Okay.
I should have expected this.
One of you crazy comedians sent me this photo of your "Real New York Apartment".
Love what you've done with the place. Great use of space. But I just remembered--I can't make that dinner party you invited me too. Yeah. Sorry. I'll be out of town that day. Oh, you haven't announced the date yet? Huh.

(Photo courtesy of The National Archives)

REAL NEW YORK APARTMENTS

It's a brand new concept here at Peon Confidential, where Peon lives are revered.
So-
For years, people have scoffed at the New York apartments depicted on TV shows and in movies. The natives point out that only tycoons or blackmailers of tycoons live in the apartments on "Friends" or "Will and Grace" or any other syndicated dreamworlds. Those apartments are too spacious, too clean, too perfect.
And they're right on the money.
Which is why I've decided to show you how the real folks live.
I'll start with my apartment, and I hope you'll follow suit.
No need to tell me your street address, or show yourself in the photo.
Just send me a photo of your real New York apartment at vjdutton@gmail.com
Let's eradicate real estate falsehoods together, shall we?

(Click to enlarge. If only I could do the same in real life.)

BLIND ITEM #14

Which early rising news duo despise each other so much that they can scarcely stand to be in the same shot? This set ain't big enough for them. For a while, the hatred was so palpable that they were only in a 2 shot at the top of the show. But there's a new EP in town. And this sharp shooter is demanding more 2 shots. So the question is, can Butch Cassidy and the Sundunce Kid hide their irritation behind fake smiles? Will there be a shootout on the set? Stay tuned.

THE LATEST MAMA D'S ARTS BORDELLO FLYER

With a flier this fantastic, how can you afford to miss the show?
(Click to enlarge. If only the same could be said for my bank account.)

FAREWELL, BEA ARTHUR

Over the weekend, my favorite Golden Girl Bea Arthur passed away. She was 86. Bea spent the early part of her career on Broadway, and did not appear on television until she was 50, when she was cast on "Archie Bunker" as Edith's liberal relative, Maude. This led to a spin off show called "Maude". But to me, her finest moments were on the "Golden Girls".

As I mentioned in the previous post, I just visited my parents in Florida, and what my mother told me is true: my dad is hooked on The Golden Girls reruns. He tunes in every morning.

The following is my very favorite Golden Girls scene. Anytime you can blend hilarity with a message about safe sex is aces with me. This scene is from a Valentine's Day episode. Blanche, Rose and Dorothy are at the pharmacy before leaving for a cruise:

Blanche: In this day in age it might be a good idea to take along some... protection.
Rose: What kind of protection?
Dorothy: Two armed Pinkerton guards. No, Blanche is talking about... [indicates a nearby counter]
Rose: A Nestle's Crunch?
Dorothy: One over.
Rose: An enema bag?
Dorothy: To the right.
Rose: Dentu-Grip?!
Dorothy: CONDOMS, ROSE! CONDOMS, CONDOMS, CONDOMS!
Cashier: Calm down, lady! You just get out of prison?

Blanche: There's no reason to be embarrassed! Now these are discreet professionals. This is a private matter. Whatever we buy is nobody's business but our own! [picks up a package of condoms off the counter and hands it to the cashier] I'd like a package of these, please.
Dorothy: [grabs another package of condoms and hands it to the cashier] And I'll take these.
Rose: [looks around nervously, then tentatively grabs a random package of condoms off the counter and hands it to the cashier] ...and I'll take these.
Blanche: Now, that wasn't so bad, was it?
Cashier: [speaking into his microphone] JOE, I NEED A PRICE CHECK ON SOME CONDOMS! THESE THREE LADIES HERE WANT A COUPLE OF BOXES OF THE KING GEORGE PROPHYLACTICS, THE LAMBSKINS AND THE ULTRA-SENSITIVE. TWO OF THEM HAVE THE LAMBSKINS, AND THE BLONDE HAS THE ULTRA-SENSITIVE IN BLACK.

BONUS: CONDOMS CONDOMS CONDOMS!

THE LAND OF NO TECHNOLOGY

So-
The reason there were no posts this week is that I was visiting my parents in Florida. The only item in their home that vaguely resembles a computer is a Word Processor. They even got rid of their 1980's Texas Instruments computer. And their Betamax. It's a miracle that they don't have a rotary phone attached to the kitchen wall.
And having spent these past few days in a pre-1995 universe, I can honestly say I don't know how we did it. I do not look upon those days with great nostalgia. Nay, I marvel at how we withstood such hardship. It's akin to the covered wagon era, when there were no showers and smelly pioneers rolled around in grass to rub off the stench of 10 day old B.O.

Let's look at the pros and cons of our Internet-driven society:

PROS:

1. The ability to settle arcane movie trivia arguments with ease.

2. Sites like Manhunt take the pressure off of clubbers to find someone to go home with at 3am. Horny denizens can just enjoy their cocktails, then go home alone and choose some equally horny person online. No muss, no fuss.

3. Realizing that there are people in the world like this: SARA AND HER VAGINA CAPE.

4. Online banking alleviates the need to wait in line behind assholes at the bank.

5. Submitting articles to various publications is so much easier. Plus, getting rejected by The New Yorker doesn't have such a sting when it is merely an electronic rejection. No palpable "Sorry, but this piece just isn't for us" letter to rip up.

CONS:

1. Settling arcane movie trivia arguments the old fashioned way could go on for hours, and would bring up other movies, thoughts and ideas. Then, you'd call up some super smart friend in another state and get them in on it too. This was fun, cheap entertainment. But then again, entertainment options were limited back then.

2. Manhunt and similar sites have changed the atmosphere at certain clubs. They just don't buzz with as much sexual energy anymore. The 3am desperation has decreased.

3. Realizing that there are people in the world like this: SARA AND HER VAGINA CAPE.

4. Online banking means none of those butterscotch candies in glass bowls at the bank. They weren't very good, but it was nice to get something for free.

5. Some writers have a perverse need to keep their rejection slips. There are plenty of stories of broke writers wallpapering their cheap, nasty, Campbell's soup scented apartments with rejection slips. Online submissions and rejections eliminate this option. But frankly, I think those writers need a better sense of interior design.

BLOOD, SWEAT AND TEARS

If you're eating something at your computer right now, read this later:

HONG KONG (AFP) – An Indonesian maid has appeared in a Hong Kong court accused of adding menstrual blood to her employer's food in an effort to improve their stormy relationship, a report said Thursday.
Indra Ningsih, aged 26, mixed the blood in a pot of vegetables in the belief that the recipe would help smooth over her difficult work environment, The Standard newspaper reported.
In some southeast Asian cultures, menstrual blood is thought to have special powers, the paper added.
The maid has been charged with one count of "administering poison or other destructive or noxious substances with intent to injure," and has not yet entered a plea.

Wow.
I can sort of understand the notion that menstrual blood has magical powers, as men are often completely and utterly grossed out by the concept. Hell, so are women sometimes. It creates quite a strong reaction, which I suppose is magical.
But it would seem to me that there are better ways of improving relations with your boss.

-You could present your boss with one of those Mrs. Fields Cookie Cakes or a Hickory Farms basket of sausage and cheese.
-You could send a singing telegram or a balloon bouquet.
-You could offer to stay late on a Friday.

But flavoring the soup with menstrual blood is probably not your best option.

NON-ALCOHOLIC WAKE?

I am slightly confused by the following story. I thought people were supposed to drink at wakes?
Was this a dry county in Arkansas? Why bother calling it a wake at all if you can't drink? At that point it's a memorial service.
I can't blame this woman for refusing to leave her beer can behind. She heard it was a wake and expected booze. And she traveled out of state to get there.
I hate false advertising...

MAGNOLIA, Ark. – Sheriff's deputies said a Texas woman started a brawl at a wake in Arkansas when she arrived with a beer can in her hand. The woman, 52, faces a third-degree domestic battery charges, as does another woman, 46, over the March 29 fight. Deputies said the first woman arrived at the Christies Chapel Church with a beer can in hand and that she refused to leave.

NAKED POLE VAULTER: THE ECONOMIC CRISIS STRIKES AGAIN

Just when you think all angles of the economic crisis have been covered, what with mistresses bitching about married men taking them to cheap restaurants, married women taking 2nd jobs at strip joints, and ex-businessmen wandering about in panda suits (see below) along comes another sorry bastard tugging at your heartstrings with his tale of economic woe...

PARIS (Reuters) – A French pole vaulting champion has run naked with his pole through the streets of Paris and posted the video on the Internet, hoping to draw attention to his quest for a new sponsorship deal.
Romain Mesnil, who won a silver medal at the 2007 Athletics World Championships in Osaka, used to be sponsored by U.S. sports brand Nike but says his contract expired last year and was not renewed.
Many athletes have reported difficulties obtaining corporate sponsorship as companies cut costs because of the global economic downturn.

And naturally, I found the video for you:
NAKED POLE VAULTER SEEKS SPONSORSHIP

SAD PANDA AND THE DUANE READE BAG

So-
Apparently, the Sad Panda featured above has been spotted all over Manhattan. He's been known to shuffle about listlessly on Wall Street, in the West Village, and on the subway.
I'm not quite sure why he's so sad. He seems to be getting a bit dirty, so I doubt he's bathing much. Another sign of depression.
But I do know that Sad Panda's propensity for carrying a Duane Reade shopping bag provides evidence for my Duane Reade shopping bag observation.
If you didn't read this piece in the New York Times the first time around, check it out now. This article is New York social studies at it's best...
SACKS AND THE CITY

EXTENDED WEAR UNDERPANTS

Hello Peons!
I have some truly startling news to deliver today...

HOUSTON (Reuters) – Teen-age boys, are you tired of embarrassing questions about when you last changed underwear? Japan's space scientists may have just the answer -- a line of odour-free underwear and casual clothing.
Koichi Wakata, the first Japanese astronaut to live on the International Space Station, is testing the clothes, called J-ware and created by textile experts at Japan Women's University in Tokyo.
"He can wear his trunks (underwear) more than a week," said Koji Yanagawa, an official with the Japanese Aerospace Exploration Agency.

This is terrifying.
Is this "extended wear underpants" discovery the new Tang?
You know, an appalling product that was specifically designed for astronauts but for some inexplicable reason found it's way into homes across the nation?

I don't even know where to begin on this one.

EVERYBODY TODAY IS TURNIN' ON

This video is for a very special Peon.
I should have waited for our CNN anniversary, but it's just too good.
Lots of love to you!

BRAZILIAN WAX BAN

Beavers in New Jersey could get just a little bit hairier:

TRENTON, N.J. – New Jersey is drawing the line when it comes to bikini waxing.
The state Board of Cosmetology and Hairstyling is moving toward a ban on genital waxing altogether after two women reported being injured in their quest for a smooth bikini line.
Both women were hospitalized for infections following so-called "Brazilian" bikini waxes; one of the women has filed a lawsuit, according to Jeff Lamm, a spokesman for New Jersey's Division of Consumer Affairs, which oversees the cosmetology board.
Technically, genital waxing has never been allowed — only the face, neck, abdomen, legs and arms are permitted — but because bare-it-all "Brazilians" weren't specifically banned, state regulators haven't enforced the law.

"The genital area is not part of the abdomen or legs as some might assume," Lamm said.

Okay. Let's say this ban passes...

What would a police raid on an illegal Brazilian bikini waxing salon look like?
Can you imagine the pubic pandemonium? The shrieking, the spilled wax, the customers with half-bare poon bolting out the door...
Will there be a special police squad for this type of law enforcement?

New Jersey, you've got quite a few issues to sort out before enacting this ban.

TOP 10 INTERVIEW MISTAKES EXEMPLIFIED

So-
I have failed many, many interviews in my lifetime. I literally cannot count the interviews I have botched, mostly because I'm not good at math. (See also: the math quiz for Morgan Stanley that I abandoned after the third question.) I suspect that my behavior has been so jaw-droppingly, head-slappingly embarrassing that I have become an anecdote at recruiter seminars.

As such, when I came across this article about interview mistakes, I took note. Perhaps I could learn something.
Upon reading them, I realized I've made every single mistake on the list. As a Peon Confidential community service in this brutal economic climate, I'm sharing those mistakes with you:

1. Not knowing your aim.
The best example of this would be when I interviewed for a position in Feeds at CNN, a position which consisted of pushing play and record in a dark crevice of the newsroom, and I told them I was suited for this because I spoke French.

2. Being too needy.
Once during an interview, there was a tray of cookies and muffins on the conference table for an upcoming meeting that was scheduled to take place later in the day. I kept glancing at this delicious tray of baked goods with such longing that I practically drooled on myself. My distraction was so great that the interviewer finally snapped, "Those are for managers only."

3. Lousy nonverbal communication.
A prime example: The time the interviewer left the room and returned (she was so quiet--must have been wearing those Easy Spirit pumps) to find me picking my nose. She actually asked, "Are you finished?"

4. Compromising your position.
See above.

5. Falling into the answers-only rut.
I had no idea you were supposed to ask questions. I guess this is why interviewers look at me funny when they finally ask if I have any questions, and I reply, "Nope. Wow! You sure have been thorough. Thanks!"

6. Rambling.
Talking about the Clermont Lounge strip club in Atlanta (including Blondie's patented tit punch maneuver) was in hindsight, not such a great idea.

7. Being overly familiar.
The time I told the interviewer that I had horrible breath and needed a mint was perhaps a tad familiar.

8. Making incorrect assumptions.
Thinking the interviewer would offer me a mint. She did not.

9. Getting emotional.
Perhaps during those failed interviews in which I have both rambled
and became overly familiar in a foreign accent put me over the edge into emotional territory. Especially when I was applying to The State Department for a job as a foreign officer.

10. Not asking specific questions.
Now, here's where I differ. I ask specific questions, just not about the job. I'll ask about the charming photo on the interviewer's desk of his family on a Mexican cruise. I'll ask if they enjoyed Mexico. I'll ask what they ate. I'll ask if they tipped the Mariachi band. But I won't ask about company objectives.

BLIND ITEM #13

In light of the Jim Cramer/Jon Stewart battle:
Which former CNNer quit Jim Cramer's CNBC show "Mad Money" a few years ago, citing an "ethical dilemma" with Cramer's brand of cheerleading?
Ah, but no one listens to peons...

INNERMOST THOUGHTS

I'm going to speculate that at least one of the pious women on the above album cover is thinking:

1. "I'm not wearing any panties."

2. "Hurry up and take this picture. I've got a jar of peanut butter and a German Shepherd waiting for me at home."

3. "I'm the pretty one."

4. "Who farted?"

5. "Why the hell did you two bitches have to pull my head out of the oven last Wednesday?"

MEXICAN CHEF DEPORTED, ENGLISH PUNTERS DENIED DECENT TACOS

We're treading into Lou Dobbs territory here on Peon Confidential today...

LONDON (Reuters) – A Mexican national who told airport immigration he was visiting Britain to see a friend was swiftly deported after a search unearthed a good-luck card in his luggage wishing him well for his "new life in the UK."
UK Border Agency officers at Manchester Airport routinely stopped the 40-year-old chef after he arrived on a flight from Los Angeles last Friday.
The man told them he was on a short trip to see a friend who was opening a restaurant in the area.
"However, a search of the passenger's baggage revealed a huge collection of Mexican food recipes and a good-luck card from his church wishing him well for his 'new life in the UK,'" the agency said in a statement.
The man later admitted he had intended to work at the restaurant illegally and had planned to bring his family over from America if he liked it.
He was deported the next day.

Now, I'm not defending illegal immigration. My mom is an immigrant, but she had all the proper paperwork. Plus, she had a lovely collection of sparkly disco pants and mini skirts. That's called immigrating with panache and respect.

But I think in this situation, the immigration officials might have made an exception.
Here's why:
I lived in London for two and a half years.
There was not one decent Mexican restaurant in my neighborhood, or any neighborhood that I stumbled into.
No El Ranchero. No Pancho Villa's. Nada!
And I love Mexican food, so I had to resort to making my own at home. I would buy some crappy, overpriced Old El Paso taco kits from the "specialty" store. I'd fry up beef that may or may not have been infected with Mad Cow disease. (I'm not showing any signs of it yet--fingers crossed.) English friends would come over, sniff my inauthentic feast and say,
"Oh, taah-cohs".
(With the "a" pronounced as in "apple".)
Taah-cohs.
You see how severe this problem is?
England needs some delicious Mexican restaurants. Maybe things have changed since I lived there, but I'm doubtful.
They should have let this Mexican chef into the country. Or at least confiscated his recipes. It might have opened up a whole new culinary world...