PEON CONFIDENTIAL IS NOW PEON ARCHIVES

Hello fellow Peons,

After five years of transcribing tales of CNN heartburn and heartache, I've decided that this blog will remain, but only as part of an online archive of CNN stories. I have added the MOPE (Museum of Peon Exhibits) as a separate page of this blog too.
All other elements of Peon Confidential will eventually be transferred to my revamped website: www.SaaraDutton.com.
And, you can always read more crazy shit on the Mama D's Arts Bordello Facebook page, which is where most of you read and comment now anyway.

So, I'll be cleaning house around here, packing up and moving non-CNN stories over to the new site. And of course, if you have a new or vintage CNN story to get off your over-worked chest, you can always reach me at vjdutton@gmail.com.

I've had such a great time getting back in contact with all of you! Thanks for reading and for sharing your stories. I've really enjoyed this experience--you've given me plenty of laughs and memories.

Even though I'm moving on, I will always be a Peon.

-VJDutton

NUDIST CAMPS OF OHIO

So-
I've been making mischief in the Youngstown, Ohio area for the past few days. I swam, bought a pair of Pittsburgh Steelers socks, ate plenty of Italian food and...learned about nudist camps in the region. I was especially interested because a pal of mine mentioned that one of her professors at Youngstown State University told her about a Nudist Camp in BEAVER CREEK.

Yeah.
You heard me.
THE BEAVER CREEK NUDIST CAMP.

You can imagine how much I loved that.
Better yet, she said some nudists parachute into the camp ground wearing nothing but a pair of boots and a parachute.
Naturally, I was compelled to do my own research. And while I never found info about Beaver Creek, I did stumble across a treasure trove of other nude ranches:

ASSORTED NUDIST CAMPS OF OHIO

Looking through all of them, I was especially delighted with the "activities" section. Perhaps delighted is the wrong word. More like astonished. Try picturing people engaging in these activities buck naked:

1. Badminton

2. Volleyball

3. Shuffleboard

4. Pétanque (I have no idea what this is. If I had to guess, I'd say it's a rigorous discussion of French Existentialism.)

5. Canoe Trips

6. Table Tennis

7. Darts

8. Air Hockey

9. Frisbee

And finally, the common denominator at almost every single one of these nudist resorts...

10. HORSESHOES

No joke! Horseshoes! Why are Ohio nudists so obsessed with horseshoes? What's so alluring about playing horseshoes with your cock hanging out? Do they have different rules that I don't know about?

I hate to say this, but I'm sensing the need for another one of my investigative journalism adventures...

NEW YORK'S HIGHLINE

So-
The new website is taking longer than expected.
Consider this post a layover at this spot.
And honestly, I'm feeling nostalgic for this spot already. It's gonna be a tough separation.

Anyway-
On Sunday, I dragged my boyfriend out to do one of those lovely, couples-type activities.
We went to The Highline.
It's free, beautiful, a great way to repurpose industrial space and filled with attractive, respectable people.

Naturally, we lasted all of 15 minutes before we high tailed it off to a dank, disgusting bar filled with derelicts.

But we did manage to snap some photos beforehand.
Enjoy...

BUYING EMBARRASSING CLOTHES FOR DEFENSELESS CHILDREN

Reason #172 why I'm never having a kid: because you just know I would dress the poor bastard up in this black velvet cloak with fringe. No joke. I actually snapped this photo and asked a fellow CNN Peon if I could buy this for her daughter. Oddly enough, she never got back to me. See, that's why she's a mom and I'm not.

FAVORITE MAMA D'S ARTS BORDELLO PRIZE PHOTOS

So-
I've been compiling all the Mama D's Arts Bordello photos I have in preparation for our big, gorgeous 5th Anniversary "Sensory Overload" show!

I thought I'd post some of my favorite prize photos from over the years. (Such as the photo above--she sure loves that Korean Pop Star jigsaw puzzle, doesn't she?)
Enjoy...

1. The Joey Ramone Yarmulke from the "Rock 'N' Roll Salvation" Show (This prize was so beloved that the winner posted this photo after the show.)


2. The Isaac Washington Cocktail shaker from the "Shipwreck" show.


3. The plastic red heart encased in styrofoam that our prize winner stabbed at the "Spurned Lovers" show.


4. The Bea Arthur Hot Water Bottle from the "Spurned Lovers" show


5. The Interior of Jackie Collins' Brain from the "Guilty Pleasures" Show (Prominently displayed at the winner's home in Queens.)


If you've got a picture of yourself with a prize you've won at a Mama D's show--send it my way!

THE WAYWARD BABOON OF NEW JERSEY

I am saddened to report that the Wayward Baboon of New Jersey has been captured. He has been tranquilized and returned to the Six Flags Great Adventure Park.

This is depressing. I was really rooting for that vagabond primate! His wanderlust was admirable. I was hoping he'd take the Holland Tunnel and visit me in New York. We'd eat bananas, make high pitched screetching noises and throw poop at each other. I could get down with that. And I'm sure my neighbors would appreciate it too.

But if he wasn't going to visit me, I wanted him to keep on ramblin'. I wanted kids to be playing in the park and notice this baboon on the monkey bars. I wanted housewives to look out their kitchen windows to see him stealing an apple pie cooling on the sill. (Okay, I know it's not 1955 but it's still a funny image.) I wanted him to sneak into a multi-plex and heckle Tom Cruise movies. I wanted him to knock on Bruce Springteen's door and ask for a cup of sugar.

Apparently, when this Roaming Baboon was captured, he was making his way toward the Jersey Shore. (I'd make a Snooki/hot tub joke here but what's the point?)

So I'm making a request to those of you reading this: On the 4th of July, when we celebrate our American freedom, let's raise a toast to the Wayward Baboon of New Jersey. His freedom jaunt ended far too soon.

PHOTOS FROM MAMA D'S CRIME BEAT SHOW

Hey you hooligans who escaped our clutches on June 3rd--here's evidence of what you missed! All photos taken by Mama D's photog extraordinaire, Jay Herrero...