ALTERNATE IDEAS FOR JACKIE COLLINS MERCHANDISE

It has been well-established that I love author Jackie Collins. So when I heard she opened up an on-line Jackie Collins store, I was excited:
JACKIE COLLINS MERCHANDISE

Now, the keychains and notebooks are nice enough. But I have a few ideas to spice things up a bit.
Jackie, if you're reading this, I think your hardcore fans like me might appreciate some of these items:

1. Jackie Collins brand condoms: "The Cock Sock of Rock Stars"

2. The Jackie Collins Database Management System: "The Only Software Application That Gets You Hard"

3. The patented two-in-one Jackie Collins Pooper Scooper/Bedazzler: "Tired of ordinary dog shit? Bedazzle it!"

4. Jackie Collins brand Feminine Deodorant Spray. Comes in three scents: The Movie Mogul Magnet, The Washed Up Actor Repellent, and The Sweet Smell of Success

5. The Jackie Collins brand Potato Harvester: "For all your Potato Farming Needs"

Update:
I'm not sure if it was really her, but "Jackie Collins" left a message on my voicemail: "What the hell is going on around here? A Jackie Collins Potato Harvester? Whose idea of a joke is this? How many of these did we order? You're fired!"