Check it, Peons: Your CNN Humiliation Compartmentalized

Monday, April 05, 2010


It has been well-documented that I am a heinous toilet paper thief.
Evidence of my crimes can be found right here: EXHIBIT A.
When I steal these paper goods from restaurants, bars and quaint bistros, my friends usually just shake their heads sadly. Sometimes they sigh and mutter, "Oh, Saara." I can tell they're wondering how their lives got so far off track that they're stuck with the likes of an unrepentant asswipe criminal rather than an esteemed Astrophysicist or a witty Pulitzer prize winning author.

But I have one friend who doesn't seem to mind. He just came back from Italy. I saw him Saturday night and he presented me with a beautiful gift...a stolen roll of toilet paper from his hotel in Rome. As you can see, I even took a photo of this treasure. This toilet paper traveled across the Atlantic just to be in my bathroom. This toilet paper was packed and carried through customs. Then it was carried into a nice Upper West Side restaurant and presented with a flourish.

Just in time too. I was on my last stolen roll and was preparing for the hunt.


Anonymous said...

Are those supposed to be urine drops on the packaging?

Raisa said...

While reading your blog, I realized how awesome it must be to use stolen toilet paper.
I think it's a form of recycling really. Well, maybe not. But you are pretty funny, and you made me laugh a lot. So, I thank you for that!

vjdutton said...

Thank you Raisa! I like your perspective. Now I feel better about my toilet paper thievery.

vjdutton said...

Thank you Raisa, I like your perspective! I feel better about my toilet paper thievery now.

vjdutton said...

P.S. Just cracked open the Italian toilet paper this morning. What a delight!

DF said...

It's good stuff, right? Italy has great food, great wine, and some pretty damned soft hotel-grade toilet paper.